I have a question for those going through pregnancy or have had a pregnancy after losing a baby. Having always cringed at the thought of gender disappointment because I've always believed that every child is a blessing and gender shouldnt come into it, so I realise that this is a very sensitive issue. Then why am I terrified at the thought of having another baby of the same gender as the one I lost? We recently found out the gender of our new baby and I am terrified, whilst I am so happy that we are even pregnant at all, the thought of having another baby of the same gender in my arms has me worried it will send me into a fit of hysterics after the birth. Has anyone else experienced the same kind of feelings? Or perhaps the opposite feelings that you wanted the same gender?

Yes! We lost our daughter in Feb, and I'm pregnant again and kind of scared of having a girl. Although this is the first time I've voiced that. We have our u/s in 2 weeks to find out the gender, and I've convinced myself I think it's a boy. I've probably done that because I kind of want a boy. I do think having another girl will be hard, and maybe other people (family) would see her as even more of a 'replacement' baby. I don't know.........Ultimately I know I'm lucky to be pregnant, and I'll be happy with whatever gender as long as they get here alive and healthy.

I lost a boy and this baby is a boy. I am actually really happy about that. I don't say that to make you feel guilty - I'm hoping to reassure you that the same gender can be a good thing.

When I was first pregnant with my first boy I was a little bit scared about it. I thought I'd find it easier to relate to a girl and therefore I'd be a better mum. Then I lost him and realised he was my beautiful baby and I felt completely close to him. Second pregnancy, I was just delighted to be pregnant - I didn't think I cared at all about the gender. But when I heard he was a boy, I breathed a big sigh of relief. It was just right. I was always meant to have a boy. I have beautiful boy clothes lovingly washed and waiting, that a brother should be crawling around in. And I'll get to catch a glimpse of the personality my first little boy could have had. We thought of giving this baby his brother's first name as a middle name, but we decided to let him be his own man. He'll always know he had a big brother who we loved. We only ever wanted one baby. Now we get to have two. That's a very precious gift.

I'm very close to the end of this pregnancy and I'm so excited. I can't wait to meet him. I've had moments of panic but mostly I just know it will be OK this time. The further the pregnancy progresses, the better I feel. Things were pretty tough until about six months - I had doubts about everything. How I would cope with a baby that lived; how I would cope if I lost another one. Whether he was kicking enough. But now I've been pregnant for a year and a half (with months of trying in the middle) and I am just ready, ready, ready to be a mother. The babies are very separate in my mind and I'm expecting the birth to be the most exciting thing ever.

I really hope you relax into your pregnancy the same as I did. Your future is unfolding exactly as it should. The very best of luck and love to you.

I'm scared of having another girl, (I have 4) having lost my boy. I want my boy. But honestly, when pregnant with all my girls I was so afraid I would have a boy but I know it would have been fine whatever they were once they came out.

hugs.

I was hoping for a boy this time around just because I thought that might be easier to deal with somehow, but it turns out I'm having a girl. I really don't mind though so long as she is healthy it's all good xx

Not pregnant yet but I've given this question lots of thought. When we found out Otis was a boy, I was pretty upset - I always wanted a little girl. It took me three or four days to come around to the idea of raising a boy...by the time he was born, I couldn't believe I had ever wanted a girl so badly.

If we are blessed with a second pregnancy, I know I will be thrilled no matter what the gender. At the same time, I do find myself really hoping for a boy again. But I also completely understand the fear you describe, and I'm pretty terrified about that piece of it too. And of course, I also realize how excited I would be to have a girl, and I do think that some of the grief could be different if I were to have a girl instead of a second son. My husband, on the other hand, is firmly, firmly, firmly rooted in his hope for a second son - he thinks the grief would be entirely compounded if we were to have a girl the second time around.

I kinda think that no matter what, there will be grief (how's that for the Obvious Statement of the Morning?) but that it will take a different tone depending on the child's gender.

My first, who died, was a boy and I now have a 2 month old boy at home. When I found out I was having another boy, I was nervous - I just wanted my 2nd pregnancy to be completely different from my 1st. Somehow, I thought another boy might mean another loss. Now that he's here, I'm thrilled of course and just relieved. I find that they look so much alike I constantly wonder "is this what Sam would have looked like at this age?". I think it'll be something I will think about the rest of George's life.

I think there are so many emotions that come with pregnancy after loss that it's normal to be afraid, anxious, nervous no matter what.

My first (and living) child is a girl and so for most of my 2nd pregnancy I hoped I was having another girl since it would have just been easier logistically. My DH didn't want to know the baby's gender ahead of time so we found out we had a son about 1 minute before we found out he didn't have a heartbeat when he was delivered. We haven't managed to get pregnant yet but I want another chance to raise a boy. My DH says right now he would rather have another girl. We will be happy with any healthy living child we manage to have but there will be an adjustment period either way so we will be finding out the gender as soon as possible in that future pregnancy.

I have definitely at times felt like maybe I would prefer a girl next time around, simply because it would make a clearer separation of feelings of "replacing" Caleb.

I know early early on after losing him, I felt like the idea of having another boy was really abhorrent. But it was also at the time in my grief where I just wanted my baby, my Caleb back, not some other baby. Another boy wouldn't be him, and it felt too wrong.

I guess I am far enough out now that I'm like eh whatever, I have boy baby clothes, totally easier that way.

I'm not sure why, but I used to say I wanted a boy first and then a girl. Probably because I always wanted an older brother. But when we found out we were having a girl, we were both truly excited. And I found out my husband really wanted a "daddy's little girl".

So now I am scared to death that this baby will be a boy. I know I should be thrilled to be pregnant again so soon. And I should be happy with any baby that is healthy and eventually alive. But I really want a girl. How crazy is that?? I don't want to replace Charlotte, I just want a daughter. I want girlie things and I want what my mother and I have. I feel so selfish at times. But I am truly scared that this baby will be a boy... and I may not be as excited or may not love him enough or want him enough. I am scared of this already and it is only 6 weeks today.

I have always wanted two boys. We have a living son, so you can imagine how thrilled we were to find out about our second son being a boy, for about three days until it all went to shit.

Next time, if there is a next time, I kind of want a girl. If you knew me this would utterly shock you because I have all sisters and have always, ALWAYS wanted boys. But....maybe I just want something different. So I won't feel like I am replacing him. So it won't feel like we just pressed the pause button and then years later boom! we're back to two boys again.

That being said, if there is a next time, and it's a boy, I am going to love him with everything I have....and although it will take some adjustment, it will be perfect.

Susan, I wonder if your 'scared of this already' really means 'scared of this at the moment'. Because at six weeks, that's utterly understandable. Everything is anticipation - you don't know what to expect or how you will cope or how much of yourself you can afford to invest in a newly-established pregnancy. So of course you are asking yourself a bunch of impossible questions.

You first thought you wanted a boy, then surprised yourself by learning that you really wanted a girl. This time you're afraid you couldn't love a boy enough.. but I'm guessing you will surprise yourself again if it does turn out to be a boy.

It's not selfish to want a close relationship with your baby - and right now the picture for that which you carry in your mind is your mother and you - two girls. You would add a new and equally desirable picture of mother and son closeness once you had experienced it. And some boy stuff is way cool once you really get looking at it. Of course, you could get a girl who doesn't like girly things. So there's no point beating yourself up about it - what will be, will be, and you'll come around to it, I bet.

I'm having the opposite experience. I lost a boy, and I desperately want another boy. I don't feel that there's any possibility that another son could ever replace the one I lost so that hasn't bothered me at all.

It's taken me awhile though to figure out why I so badly want another child of the same sex when prior to my son's birth I did not care one way or the other about the sex. This past week I had sort of had a revalation as to why I feel this way now. When my son was stillborn, I realized there are so few things I'll really get to know for sure about him. However, one of the few concrete things I do know is his biological identity as a boy.

This may seem odd, but to say I want anything other than another boy to raise feels like saying who my son is and this key part of his identity isn't the absolutely best thing in the world that I ever could have wished for. It feels like a rejection of a big part of who he is. And so to desperately want another son, his brother, who would share this key aspect of his identity is to me a way of acknowledging that I loved every part of my son's identity so much I can't dream of anything else.

That said, I'm allowing myself to want a son with the faith that should I conceive a girl I will fall in love with her and that aspect of her identity and will not be able to dream of wanting her to be anything else but that either. When I got to see my son and hold his lifeless body in my arms for the first time I knew three things: I loved him, he was mine, and he was perfect just the way he was (with the big exception of no longer being alive). I have nothing but confidence that should I have another child when s/he is placed in my arms for the first time (hopefully, this time full of life), I will feel the exact three things regardless of the sex of that baby.

And so for now, I'll say unapologettically I want a boy. Because I know first-hand having a boy is absolutely amazing. Despite the short life he had, my boy is and continues to be amazing. And I will always want a boy until a little girl comes along and shows me that I want a girl too. And I have no doubt that, should she come into my life, she will.

I'm another one who is a little scared that having another boy might somehow mean having another loss. I know they aren't connected logically, but anything that makes this pregnancy feel like my pregnancy with Micah is terrifying to me. Part of me wanted a reason to replace everything in the nursery Micah never used, part of me is glad for an excuse to leave the door closed a little longer.

This will be my third son, but most people, of course, assume it will be my second and I've been floored by how many 'better luck next time' and 'will you try again' comments I've had. It sometimes takes me a minute to realize they aren't seeing this pregnancy as doomed - they are just picturing having two healthy sons as something deserving of pity.

totally normal what you're feeling. I wanted my sub to be the same gender and honestly, was devastated when I learned I was having a boy. I truly couldn't get excited until he was born. Once I saw him though, I was completely in love. I still have pangs of longing though when I see families with three daughters (as mine was until she died) and think about what we lost and how our family unit is forever changed. But mostly, I'm just happy my son is healthy and normal.

Only here can we have an honest and open discussion about something like this, eh? Like Keely, I always imagined myself with 2 boys. We had a healthy little boy, and when I found out our second was a girl, I freaked out. I was just really scared of having a girl. Of course I fell in love with the idea during the pregnancy, but she died after she was born at 38.5 weeks. Because I was pregnant with a girl, I traded all my boy clothes for girl clothes. I don't have a stitch of boy clothes from birth to 2T. When I got pregnant this time around, it was complicated. I wanted a girl because I decided I did want the experience of having a daughter. But I also wanted a boy because I was afraid of feeling (or having others feel) that I was replacing Addison. When we found out this is a boy, I was thrilled. But losing a baby makes you realize that you don't really care what "parts" it comes with, as long as they're healthy. I will admit that I have had a couple of instances where the temporary ripple in time occurs where I slip and refer to this baby as "Addison" because I think I'm still/again pregnant with her. Crazy shit.

This is my first post and the topic is what I have been obsessing about since my daughter died last summer at 38 weeks for no reason at all.
She was my first and I remember where I was when I realized that I might never get to raise a daughter -- something so completely out of my control now, and something that seemed so certain until that awful doctor's appointment.
I am pregnant now with #2, and terrified that it is a boy. For me this plays into my paranoid thoughts about why my daughter left us -- since medically we will never know -- and to have a boy I am worried will make me feel undeserving of a daughter, as if I am being further punished in some way.
Has anyone since November learned the gender of their babies? How are you doing with it?
I want to believe that we want what we get, and indeed before learning she was a girl, I didn't have a preference either way. I feel so strange to be rooting this hard for something like this when losing a full term baby is so huge in comparison. I hate it.