My third child, Veronica, died 17 months ago when she was 7 weeks old of an undetected congenital heart defect. My fourth child and "rainbow" baby, Ryan, arrived October 1rst and is now 6 weeks old.

Since Ryan's birth, I find myself thinking much less of Veronica. Her brief life and death used to dominate my thoughts. But now, my attention is so focused on Ryan. He has brought joy to my life I never thought possible after losing Veronica. He has lifted that huge weight of guilt, despair and sadness. I almost feel like the "old" me (pre-death of child).

Before Ryan was born, when asked how many children I have, I always answered, "three." I was adamant that Veronica be remembered and counted. Now, when asked, I still say, "three." (when truly it is four). I don't know why the change...I'm happy, I guess; and tired of grieving and being surrounded by thoughts of death. I just don't want to go there anymore. I want that part of my life to be behind me.

But I feel guilty for being joyful again. And for not thinking of her so often. And for not consistently including her when asked how many children I have. I feel like I'm leaving her behind -- and at some level, I guess I am...mostly out of necessity. I couldn't continue living like that. But I feel, by doing so, I've failed her again.

Thoughts from those who've been there?

I can't offer any advice as I've still waiting for my rainbow to be born. But honestly this is how I hope I feel after she is arrives, that sad part of my life left behind me and a whole new chapter beginning. I don't think you should feel any guilt whatsoever xx

Olivia, I don't know if I'll have a "rainbow baby," but I will say emphatically that, even though I understand the guilt, you shouldn't punish yourself for being happy. There are times when I chastise myself for being happy now, even in the absence of a new baby. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, though. Does finding happiness, especially in the joy of a new baby, negate the lives of our lost children? No. Never.

Life is a cycle of birth and death, joy and pain. We need to honor both. We owe it to ourselves to celebrate the happy times.

Congratulations on the birth of your son! Love him without an ounce of guilt, Olivia. You deserve this happiness.

Olivia, congratulations on the safe arrival of Ryan! I don't have the advice of someone who's been there, as my loss was only 5 months ago, but I wanted to chime in and say that I believe it's perfectly okay (sane! healthy!) to focus on your living child, without guilt.

I'm a naturally happy person who's surviving tragedy in my life. There has been joy in my house every single day since my daughter died - even on the worst, most horrible early day, there was some moment of pure joy and happiness, gratitude for my husband and my oldest child (some days it was only a tiny spark, but it was there). I think a lot about all the ways that I can still have a happy life without her, and I plan on pursuing all of that joy with everything I've got. When I start to feel a little whisper of guilt, I remind myself that I would always, always, always choose her. With the exception of my husband and my son, I would trade anything and anyone in my life to have her back. Literally: anything and anyone. I would move to mars, cut off my fingers so I could not write, never speak to my best friend again. It's that knowledge that helps me push away the guilt. Because this is the way it happened, and I don't get that choice. All I can do is live the best possible life.

Also, I think it's okay for your focus to ebb and flow. Right now, your baby boy is brand new and you're full of love for him, as it should be. As he grows, at certain moments in your life, Veronica may come back into focus. You'll figure out how the whole family fits together, and how to answer "how many children do you have?" in a way that feels good (and the answer will probably change).

Sending you love.

Everything M and Steph said. Congrats on your baby boy and love love love on him!

Yay and congrats!!!!

I had a stillborn twin and a living twin in April of this year...so I got my 'rainbow baby' very quickly. My experience may not be the same as most other women who have rainbow babies due to the freshness of our loss...but here is how it felt for me:

The first few weeks I was so completely in love with our suriving twin, Abby, and I purposefully pushed the painful feelings of loss away. Also, I was (of course) exhausted and trying my best to use any emotional energy I had toward taking care of Abby and my 3 1/2 year old son. But, as the weeks passed...the grief bubbled back up (of course). Probably started getting more intense around 10-12 weeks. Then I found myself in one of two places: overjoyed with Abby vs. in despair over Will. I found I could not visit grief and new joy at the same time. They were just too different.


Now that Abby is nearly 7 months old, I am learning to integrate my feelings of loss and joy more simultaneously in my life. Of course, there are times when Abby's successes make me ache for Will...but I find that I can miss Will and rejoice for Abby and not feel so damn guilty for it.

The how many kids is a difficult thing. It depends on my familiarity, mood, and a lot of other factors as to whom I tell that Abby is a twin. I'm feeling less like I'm defacing Will's memory now when I don't mention him. I know that I will ALWAYS remember him...but sometimes it is just hard to 'go there'.

Go easy on yourself. I tend to think joy feels incredibly foreign after such a long drought. The best advice I was given is that joy is not a betrayal of grief and grief not a betrayal of joy. They can and do exist within us...simultaneously.

THANK YOU ladies. All of you. Don't know what I would do without this board. Hugs and kisses to each of you.