My husband and I are thinking about trying to get pregnant again in the next couple months. I've been mostly lurking on this board while we've been mulling over whether or not to try again. A surprise "I may be accidently pregnant but as it turns out I am not" episode happened this month and it has given us the opportunity to see that emotionally we are ready again.

But there is an issue I am having some difficulty with in regards to this decision...

Help me ease my guilty conscience about possibly taking a job that requires literally months of training only to maybe get pregnant within a couple months of hire.

Cons.

1. They would be losing money while training me. Probably for the first three months of employment (this would be the case with any job I take but specifically a concern with this particular one).
2. Part of the job is two hours away and I would be making that drive twice a week.
3. I am unsure for how long I would feel comfortable making that drive should I become pregnant. Six months? I think it is a residual side effect of my son's death but making that drive while hugely pregnant scares the crap out of me.
4. On those days it is far enough away that it would probably mean that I wouldn't be able to return to work if we do have a baby.

Pros.

1. It is a great office and I would certainly learn a lot.
2. I like my prospective boss and co-workers but I suspect that they would not be thrilled for me should I become pregnant shortly after hire.
3. It pays well enough that I wouldn't have to work full time, which is wonderful.

I just can't escape the feeling like I am doing something wrong here should they offer me the job and should I accept. Everyone I have talked to so far has told me that it isn't a big deal but to me it is a little cloudy, ethically speaking.

So is it unethical to start trying so soon after hire? Kind of mean? An asshole thing to do? Or is it fine and I am just letting the people-pleaser aspect of my personality make me feel guilty about having a uterus and wanting to use it again.

I really don't think it's unethical, if for none other than the reason that we are all here....trying to get pregnant doesn't necessarily mean you are going to be getting a baby. I'm not trying to be crass by saying that, but really, it's true. You can't ever predict what's going to happen to you in life, even once your children are here and healthy. So in my opinion, I wouldn't rely on potential future events to predict the ethical-ness of your present actions.

Although, if you know that you won't want to make the drive after 6 months and won't be going back to work after that because of the distance, is it really worth it to go through all the training and stuff? Assuming you got pregnant really quickly, would you have enough time to really learn anything? I'm not asking rhetorically, I'm just curious :)

There are two things you need to remember when dealing with employers:
1. Protect yourself first
2. The company will always have its best interests at heart first, not yours

It sounds terribly cynical, but it's true.

You are not legally required to disclose that you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant when seeking employment, and an employer is not allowed to discriminate against you for being pregnant, or a parent. you have to look at for your needs first and foremost because you can expect to the be the only person to advocate for yourself. It is what employers expect their employees to be doing, and as women we tend to be too deferential, non-confrontational, and too nurturing of other people's and corporations needs and it ends up only hurting us in our careers and how much we get paid for the same work men do.


And if there's anything I've learned in the last 12 months I have been trying to get pregnant and not getting pregnant is that you can't keep living your life postponing everything because you "could get pregnant any time." Can you? Yes. But you can also change plans. As someone who has not done anything because I've not wanted to change things again when I become pregnant -- my true and primary goal -- I am struggling with depression and feelings for failure and utter lack of fulfillment because I've put everything else behind the attempt. And it's unhealthy and soul-crushing.

I'd say go for the job anyway. I had a similar dilemma deciding whether to start the university nursing course I'd got a place on (after deciding we would not be trying again) I've got to 28 weeks now, which has honestly felt like forever and the course has kept me super busy and has been a welcome distraction from the anxiety. I'm just about to start 12.5 hour shifts next week which is pretty full on at this stage but it's keeping my mind off worrying the whole time. I don't think you should pass up a good opportunity, take the job and worry about the details as they come up :D

I agree with Melissa's way of thinking (and she expressed it so well that I won't add much!) I say take the job and worry about the rest later. I don't think you are being unethical or "assholish." You are just living your life the best way you can. No need to apologize for that.

Thank you all for your input. It really helps to hear the opinion of other women on this matter.

Keely: I totally agree with you that just because I am hoping to get pregnant quickly it may not necessarily happen. I also know from experience that I can make it into the third trimester only to have my child die anyway. The simple fact that things may not go along as planned is something I am also keeping in my head. Gone are the days of blissful naivety.
But to answer your question, yes, I think I could learn quite a bit even if I were to get pregnant right away only to have to quit after 6 or 7 months. It is a job with a very steep learning curve. A kind of sink or swim type of thing:)
Thank you so much for your input.

Melissa: I appreciate hearing your perspective on this. It really amazes me how different reality is in comparison to how simple we are made to believe having children is. It really isn't all that simple a lot of the time. Thank you for telling me about your experience over this last year. You have really brought to my attention something very important. I don't want to live my life solely in anticipation for an event that may or may not happen when I hope it will. I hope that the future holds brighter days ahead for you.
Also, it is good to hear someone say that I need to look after myself and not be overly concerned with what is good/bad for a place of business. So thank you for that.

Frustrated: I am very impressed with your experience of going through a very intensive program at university while pregnant. I really wish you luck during those 12.5 hour shifts. They can be brutal, I know, even while not pregnant. I appreciate your advice. I really need to learn how to think more in the present and not be so focused on possible future scenarios. Handle the details when they come up.

Thank you all again for taking the time to respond.

Thank you Steph!

Brianna - I could have written your post in late August. I recently started work at a new company at 8 weeks pregnant. They don't know about this pregnancy yet but they do know about my (deceased) son.

I was laid off while on mat leave and started interviewing for this position in early August. I happened to get pregnant in September but it could have easily taken another 6 months. If you think you're going to learn lots of good information to help your career and it pays enough for you & your family to be happy then go for it. Life is short, and who knows what will happen.

As for ethics - I get how you feel (because I feel like that too), but we are fortunate enough to be entitled to both the decision to have children and to work. Your work will deal if you get pregnant in 3 weeks or a year. They're a business, not a family.

GL! and I hope an offer comes soon. :-)

Brianna, a thought I had later about your training: Some employers who invest in extensive or expensive training for new employees will put in their hiring contract requirements to remain at the company for certain lengths of times, and penalties for leaving sooner than that. Return on their investment and all that. Just make sure you're covered by your hiring contract or by state hiring policies when the time comes. (i.e. I don't know that such requirements are common or possible in at-will employment states, for example.)

Sarah: Congratulations on your pregnancy and your new job. Thank you for the advice and thank you for sharing with me your current situation. I am appalled that you were laid off while on maternity leave. I am glad you are in a new position.

Melissa: Thanks for that. I had not really even made that connection.

Just wanted to chime in that I do NOT believe its unethical to take a new job while pregnant or trying to get pregnant. This is your life, you deserve happiness, you deserve a job, you deserve the right to maternity leave. I hope it all works out for you
Hugs,
M

i think there's some really good advice here. i think you should go for it.

I can't say it better than everyone else already has. And I'm with Melissa, they are a company and they will always put themselves first. There is nothing in the world wrong with you doing the same and putting yourself and your interests first. I understand why you might be troubled about accepting this job (I have a bit of a people-pleaser aspect to my own personality!) but you are WELL within your rights to do so.

The office, the people and the money all sound fantastic. I know you might feel guilty that they will be losing money whilst training you but surely the training will be positive for you and your future career. So you could move that from the con list to the pro! Just check that by accepting the training you aren't tying yourself into anything that might be a nuisance further down the line.

Hi Brianna, I know I'm chiming in very late, but just wanted to agree with what Keely and others have said - I don't think there is any ethical problem here because of the whole uncertain nature of TTC and pregnancy.

I was having similar worries around going back to work, and I regret delaying starting TTC so that I could have 3 months back at work under my belt if I hypothetically got pregnant on the first cycle. For us, though, that was driven partly by wanting to ensure I'd be eligible for paid maternity leave. As it turned out, fertility treatment was delayed by the clinic anyway.

Wishing you lots of good luck on both fronts - job and TTC, xxxh

Thanks everyone, again. It has been very beneficial to hear everyone's advice.