I know I don't post much here, but I lurk and think about all of you a lot!

*Living children mentioned

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant. Many of you know that my son, Phineas, died at term as a result of cord prolapse and brain damage due to oxygen deprivation back in April. I was attempting a home birth as my previous delivery was so straightforward. I have come to terms with what happen, and I still feel that our decision to have him at home was the right choice.

This time, of course, I am a bundle of nerves. I am currently seeing my midwife for prenatal care and we are tentatively planning another home birth. I feel so worried about this choice. I feel so much anxiety over it, like I am somehow nuts and any reasonable person would not choose that again. I feel like it is my path somehow, and then I worry that maybe I am just being too selfish. The idea of another hospital birth also makes me incredibly anxious. Am I being selfish for wanting a birth that is not traumatic or where I feel totally belittled? Do I care more about myself than I do about this baby? Ugh, so much to think about.

Then, I think that most births turn out just fine. Just recently, I have read about all of these fast, precipitous and healthy births, and I just feel so jealous. The birth of a healthy baby all of a sudden feels so unobtainable now, no matter what I choose. (Despite the fact that I have two healthy children already.) I am stuck between what I know about birth and what I know about experience. Knowing you have been the 1 in "whatevernumberithappenstobe" is so damn hard.

I feel like I need some sense talked into me by those who have been there or are there now. I hope all of that made sense. :)

I had an amazing home birth with my second daughter and it was an incredible experience. I used to be the number one evangelical home birth supporter there was. I had a horrific experience having my first in hospital and had years of PTSD, I despise hospitals and the way things are done there, I was preparing to be training as a midwife, I read Ina May Gaskin and Shelia Kitzinger and was happily planning a home water birth. Then Isabella died...I have had what I can only describe as a massive paradigm shift. I have honestly found it difficult, coming to terms almost with, becoming such a different person with such different opinions. I don't give a crap about how horrible the hospital is, or if I have to be induced, c-sectioned, sliced diced whatever, bring it on... I just want a healthy baby I can take home, that is all that matters to me. A hospital is of course no guarantee of anything but if things go wrong it gives the best chance. I'm assuming I'll be delivering on the high risk unit, but I'm hoping to make the best of it with all the knowledge I have from what we did at home, low tech as possible but high tech on hand.
I'm conflicted about whether I should beg for an induction at term or wait to go naturally, but all my living babies are 42 weekers and I'm not sure I can wait that long. Man.... this is the first time I've let myself think about the possibility that this baby will survive that far for me to worry about this stuff :D

I was also a huge supporter of home birth before my daughter died. I had a midwife for that pregnancy, and I was planning and very adamant to give birth at home. During labor when my water broke there was meconium, so we had to transfer to the hospital (the rules in Canada). Labor continued normally at the hospital with the midwife, until the very end when everything went wrong. All I can say is THANK GOD I was in the hospital when Nevan's heart rate started dropping. I immediately had an emergency c-section, and they got her out in minutes. Although she already had no brain function at that point, we got to spend one precious day with her. I'm sure that if we'd been rushed to the hospital by ambulance, she would have died inside me, and I would have blamed myself even more.
I don't know where you live, but in Canada if you have a midwife, you can CHOOSE whether to give birth at home or in the hospital. If you have a midwife in the hospital, it is just you and her in the birthing room. NO doctors, no machines, technology, it can be just as relaxing as a home birth. However, if anything goes wrong, (which hopefully it won't) the midwife can open the door and medical staff is right there. I'm like Frustrated Fairy, in that my viewpoint on the whole subject of birth has been completely changed. I don't care what they do to get the baby out, and long as he/she's alive and breathing. In fact, I'm pregnant again and while I'm only 14.5 wks, my OB(yes, i also decided to go with a Dr. this time) he's going to take the baby at 38 weeks by c-section. I guess it's a very personal and hard decision you'll have to make, but wishing you all the best.

I have never had a child by any other means than c-section (my first was a an emergency as my own life was sliding away- he was taken a month early) I wasn't a candidate for VBAC and thus have never even been in labor. You many not want my opinion based on this but I figured it can't hurt to weigh in.
Cullen (my 4th) was also a c-section though he was gone before he was born. Most, if not all of the women I have met who had home births and lost a child opted for hospitals on subsequent pregnancies- even the ones who never in a million years thought they would do it ( I hear you frustrated fairy). I was never against home birthing- it just was not an option for us. Facing life as I now know it has changed everything, of course.
Yes- thousands of babies are born healthy every day. But looking at all of the women (and fathers) who have come to join this community (with various birth stories to share) I know that I would never suggest a home birth to anyone. There is so much that can go wrong and though being in a hospital gives absolutely no guarantee either, it does afford parents the knowledge that if something does go wrong measures can be taken (again with no guarantee of the outcome) that might lessen some guilt or regret down the road. I know that for me there is absolutely one thing and one thing alone that matters about birth- life. I couldn't care less how my children enter this world- as long as it gives them the chance to enter it alive. I bear a scar for each of my babies and while before Cullen I used to wish it would fade, I now look at it so much more symbolically. It is the place where all four of my children entered this world- and I treasure it for that very reason even though Cullen is gone.

I know that many hospitals offer the scenario that Rachel mentioned about. It seems like a good middle ground option. I wish you grace in deciding what is best for you...

I am in the US. The most "middle ground" thing I could do would be to use a free standing birth center across from a hospital. They did not accept me as a patient last time because it was so late in the game (I had recently moved cross country). Though, quite honestly, I think the outcome would have been the same had I birthed there.

I had a c-section with my first. I didn't feel like it was necessary. My second was a fairly uneventful (at least in a hospital) VBAC. I guess I just still feel like home birth is OK. It is so hard to make the "right" choice. I just worry that my choice is too selfish. I just want a good birth and a healthy baby. Sometimes that feels like it is far too much to ask.

Thanks for your input.

Kathryn - we too wanted a homebirth for Foster but he died at 39w1d and so I was induced - there was no way I wanted a homebirth delivering a dead baby. It was a medicalized terrible experience. I am traumatized but managed to remain unscathed physically (no cuts, no surgery, one small tear).

I'm 9w1d now and we're back with our midwives (the same ones with Foster). My MWs had nothing to do with his death and I'd rather go with someone who still holds the same birth philosophy as we do - that it's not a disease or illness, but a natural process. She also knows us intimately after all we've been through together.
We are oscillating between a homebirth and a hospital birth, and I reserve the right to decide pretty much until I'm in labour. We're honestly going to plan for both and do what feels right at the time.

Do I think you're selfish for wanting another homebirth? No. You sound like you know the risks and stats and that another loss is unlikely. It's not ruled out for any of us, regardless of where we give birth and that's something we all have to deal with in subsequent pregnancies.

I vote do what is right for your family. If you are confident that your MW is competent and want to give birth at home, then do it. If you think you may want the security of a birthing centre, go for it. Only you and your husband know what's right for you.

I really appreciate the input! I wish there was some magic 8 ball that would give me the answer and that everything will be alright.

I am currently seeing the midwife who attended his birth. She was actually filling in for the midwife I had seen for prenatals, as she was out of town. I don't fault her for anything she did during delivery and believe she acted appropriately. She has discussed it with her associates and has a plan to deal with another possible breech baby.

Kathryn, I think you have read my blog and know I had a vbac, not at home but in hospital. It was the smoothest, shortest thing ever, nothing happened that would have indicated a transfer if I had been at home.

Though I would not labour at home now, for fear of no SCBU, I would perhaps still give birth naturally again, if I could last the two anxious weeks at home. When I think of the babies who survive long traumatic labours, it seems to me that the ones who die are perhaps just not meant to be here for some reason.

I could go on about the different ways labour could be obstructed, the different kinds of positions babies could be in and how that would affect them differently them in a prolonged labour..but I think I'm just going to say that I disagree with that last statement.

Kathryn, thank you for starting this discussion. I think changes in attitudes about birthing philosophies and methods are something that affect a lot of us, and it's not easy to discuss those issues in other forums.

I am going to resist my temptation to talk about my own 3 birthing experiences, because when I have done so in the past it has sometimes felt like I'm presenting my 'womanhood CV', like the legitamacy of my comments are going to be weighed up according to how close to the ideal my births were, in terms of no intervention, no pain relief, was making other people dinner 2 hours post delivery, blah blah blah. Although this is mostly in my head, I didn't pull it completely out of thin air (I think there are elements of this way of thinking in many online forums). So let me just say I've had 3 babies, and like most women I looked at the options around me, I looked at the research, I looked at the preferences of me and my partner, I looked at our budget, and made some decisions. And when the big day came on each occasion I did my best, and the people around me did their best to support me.

I've got very little to add to what's been written above. I just want to be one more voice from Glow stating loud and clear that I think whatever decision you make in regards to this labour, it is completely valid and it would not indicate any 'flaw in character' for you either way. If you try for a home birth you are not selfish. If you go for a hospital delivery you are not a turncoat or a coward. I think you've got nothing to prove in terms of your dedication and loyalty to your unborn child or your courage. I think that as a babylost mamma it takes the fiercest of loyalty to our children-to-be and the deepest courage to have decided to try to conceive in the first place. So as someone who knows nothing more about you than what you've written here, from my perspective those questions about selfishness etc have already been answered.

I'm wishing you a sense of peace until this question is resolved for you, even if that's not until you have your gorgeous Unborn out in your arms.

And Merry, for what it's worth I think your views on fate are just as valid as any view on this whole 'dead baby' debarcle we're living through. For me personally, I find that perspective a bit hard to hear, but I recognise that it's as valid as any view.

Kathryn, I speak from experience, my son died of breech head entrapment (he was an undiagnosed breech) on the way to the hospital -- he was a planned homebirth. We chose to have our now 3 month old baby girl in the hospital. My decision was based on what I had to do personally to feel ok, I had a planned c-section. I needed to know that if anything went wrong at the birth I had done everything I could have done to bring her here alive, I wanted no regrets. Its a very personal decision, I wish you hope and peace while making it.