I hope everyone's weekends were far less eventful than my own - attended the opera Saturday night for work (not my thing!) and spent Sunday afternoon lazing around watching football (more my thing) until we were disturbed by helicopters circling our townhome complex for a fugitive. For forty minutes, we got to listen to them, saw police scouring the complex with guns drawn, stand around directly outside my living room with guns drawn, had our patio searched by the police and dogs. . . quite a bit of excitement. Still don't know if they ever caught the guy!

Hope everyone is well and that the week ahead is filled with peacefulness and good things.

That does sound like an eventful weekend! When I was living in Houston, we always had helicopters flying around our apartments. It was a little unsettling. I hope they caught the guy!

No news here. Except that I have kicked into organizational overdrive and decided to finally work on organizing all of my son's pictures and working on his baby book. That's right, the kid is three and has nary a word in his baby book. I just always figured I would get to it later....no time like the present, I guess.

My bloodwork was done almost two weeks ago so I am hoping that we hear something this week. I don't know how long all that stuff takes though, it might be next week. Oh well.

Hope everyone is doing well. Thinking of you all xoxoxox

I'm doing okay. Not much to say. Expecting AF on the 2nd. I didn't think this would be the month, but I had a small amount of hope. Then I got the flu on Saturday night and that knocked out all hope.

Well I ovulated according to ff on Day14 (way to go, Merry's body!) so if that as right, our timing was okay in fact. Knocking EPO out after 4 days seems to have helped, or not obsessing, or something. If my LP is sticking at 11 days I'll get my period on the 2nd and my blood results should be back. Hopefully then I'll get progesterone support next cycle and thanks to this one being shorter, I won't be away now in the time when I don't want to be.

I'm more chilled now; I must be relaxing a bit because my brain is letting me have some memories of Freddie's birth and just afterwards back. I'm not convinced I want them actually, but I'm getting them.

I nearly wept tonight when dh said he had dreamt we were choosing boy names. :( He never even wanted another. Look what I've done to him :(

Thinking of all of you girls.
No OV here yet.
I guess now I am just wondering when my hormones will level out thus allowing my body to transition into a cycle.
It all makes me wonder how some of us get a period 3 weeks after delivery whereas for others it can be closer to three months. Crazy how the human body operates.

Still pregnant as far as i know. had first blood test today, second is Wednesday. Prob won't be able to get results back til the middle of next week. About the time I hope to be able to have a scan. Ah well....

See my midwife Wednesday. She is confident this one is going to work out. But last time she was confident everything was OK when she sent us down to the hospital, so that's not as reassuring as I think she hopes. Ah well. I like her a lot though and I think she's what I need - she's quite brisk but understands that I'm terrified and hopefully that balance will get me through without going too crazy along the way.

the hubby last night was telling me that he thought being pregnant right now was a bad idea because, well the implication was that i'm too mentally unstable to be able to deal with pregnancy right now, never mind a child. funny, i'm the one who's worried about money if i continue to be off sick - i think i'll be able to cope mentally, whereas he thinks we'll struggle through financially but doesn't think i'll cope. no, that's not fair, i think he's just scared that i won't. i don't think he gets that actually having a child that lives will go at least some way to healing my wounds. obviously not all the way, but like others have said happiness mixed in with pain is better than just pain.....

tonight, however, he's a lot cheerier and more himself. i think he just needed to speak the fears out loud. he'd been wrong all weekend and i'd been worried. and i'm feeling a bit better too. going back to occupational health tomorrow. i have absolutely no feel for whether they'll say for me to go back to work or to stay off at least until i've had a scan. time will tell, i guess.

i hope they did find that guy eliza!

good luck with the bloodwork results keely.

Sorry to hear that Angela :(

Oh Merry. That sounds so painful. I'm sorry. Fingers crossed for you.

It's strange isn't it Leslie, the variation is huge. I hope things level out soon.

Leslie, my body did exactly what it always does, which was to get a period 2 weeks exactly after I stopped expressing.

I wonder if bodies react differently if term birth happens, if that produces some hormone that kicks things back in quicker somehow? If stillbirth is confusing hormonally in some way? I have no idea but I'd noticed a bit of a theme with people.

B - Beta HCG's normally only take a day or so - ring up? Hugs.

Three more days until delivery day. Had c-section scheduled or the 10/28, but at ultrasound last week baby was no longer breech, now head down. Now the concern is a large sized baby. Last ultrasound will be on this Wednesday where OB will decide based on size if I will be induced or he will proceed with the c-section. I am on PINS AND NEEDLES the longer I wait. I know I keep repeating myself, and I am so sorry, but please, please, please let her be born alive and healthy so I can take her home.

All quiet here. We had my 12 week scans yesterday and I was suprised AGAIN to see a living baby in there. Results were all good. We informed our older girls last night about this pregnancy and they took it OK (our 4 1/2 year old is in the loungeroom giving birth to a teddy bear as I write). Nausea continues to be my main second by second concern, so all as expected there.

I really don't want to tell people about this pregnancy. I am bracing myself for their relief, and for their eagerness to talk about this pregnancy, when no-one's got the guts to even speak my dead daughter's name.

Love to all.

Sophia, I feel the same way about telling people. I'm 14.5 wks, and have only told immediate family and a few friends. I'm also dreading all the happy 'congratulations' and the expectations that everything is all good now that we're pregnant. ugghh...

B-thinking of you and hoping the blood work goes well.
Keely-fingers crossed for good blood results
Eliza- hope you have a calm week!
Angela and Merry- sending good thoughts
Leslie- hope the cycle sorts out soon
Paula - so many good thoughts to you. I'll be thinking of you wed and sending calm, positive vibes. Hope all goes well.

Oh Eliza, that sounds like something from a film! I hope you are alright, it must have been pretty scary, and I hope that they caught up with whoever it was they were looking for! I don't think we would ever see such a thing in the British suburbs.

Keely - I should do some more work on the baby book too. I did the first couple of pages and that upset me so much I just couldn't face anymore. I hope you get some news about your blood work this week.

Hope you're feeling better Angela. Flu is horrible.

Merry - your DH's dream nearly has me in tears too. Glad you are feeling a bit more chilled. I don't know whether to commiserate with you or be glad that you are getting back so many memories of Freddie. I always think I want my own memories back but I don't know how I would feel if I actually did.

Leslie - it is so strange. Nothing that happens to my body seems to affect my cycles and I've always got my period back very quickly after the end of every pregnancy. But, sadly, I'm not much good at either conceiving or carrying babies. Wish I could pass my annoyingly persistent cycles on to someone who might make better use of them and I hope yours returns soon.

B - hope it all goes well tomorrow with the midwife and today with occupational health. I'm sorry if what your DH said hurt your feelings. Perhaps it was just something he needed to put out there?

Paula - you must be on pins and needles. I'm hoping the same thing for you and your daughter, so very much. Will be thinking of you tomorrow when you have your scan.

Sophia - glad that everything looks good and I'm sorry about the nausea. It really is draining.

Rachel - I'm with you and Sophia. I don't much want to tell anyone either.

Sorry that this post is getting monstrously long! Afm - well, I don't honestly know what is going on. The bleed I had on Friday certainly led me to believe that I was having a miscarriage as it was rather dramatic but according to the doctor it was a clot, my cervix is still closed and the baby is measuring spot on the ultrasound at ten weeks. Wishing that there was anything that I could do to help matters apart from sit about and wait but there isn't really. So . . just waiting.

Thinking of you today Paula with your scan. Fingers crossed. XXX

Argh :( How can it be so long since he was born and I'm not pregnant. This is just so not fair :( April is a million years ago and I had waited 5 years for him, I needed him so much :( I want my little boy, or at least the chance to try again :(

I hate my body for this. It used to do it so easily - what the hell does it think it is doing, giving up now? I just know this month won't be it either :(

Merry I am so sorry you are in that situation. I can almost feel your grief and pain through the monitor as I read. That sounds like awful stuff you are going through. On top of all the other enormous losses you've gone through until now, to feel betrayed by your own body RE your fertility must feel really crap. I'm thinking of you and wishing you some small scrap of peace from an unexpected source. Empathic vibes from Oz to the UK, delivered express, xxx.

Sweet Merry I echo Sophia's beautiful comment- I wish you grace mamma. If I could ship a hug postal express I would do it.
Sophia- I am so glad your scan was full of life.
Rachel- sending you good thoughts as well
Eliza- I can't believe that happened! Did you get an update on the guy they were after?
B- did you get the levels back yet?
Paula- tomorrow!?
Catherine- I think of you all the time- are you resting? Did they limit your activity due to the bleed/clot?

AF is here!!! Yippeee!

Sorry, I just needed to post that. I am slammed at work so I will write more later. Thinking of you all, hope your scan goes well today Paula, love to you Merry, I am so sorry it has been such a long wait and a trying time, I know a bit how you feel. Love to everyone else too and I will be a bit more personal later in the day. xoxoxo

Just marking a place here.....I'm pretty sure I ovulated while in New York. So, basically, I'm hoping for some kind of magical immaculate conception. We had sex about 24 hours before I left, and I started getting strong fertility signs while traveling. Pretty sure I was done by the time I got home, though we had another go just for fun. So whether I have a real shot or not, I'll definitely be obsessing this month. Maybe? Hopefully? Possibly? Google tells me it's possible, if everything was perfect. A sperm might have been there, waiting for an egg. Only time will tell....

Hope everyone else is doing well--those newly pregnant, those getting close (!!) and those still spinning around here with me, wishing and dreaming.

M, when I conceived Otis it was under very similar circumstances - ovulation predictors showed me near to about ready to ovulate the day we had sex but "not quite ready"; then I left for a trip, and that was our only shot that month. I was convinced nothing would happen, and it wasn't going to stick, but it did...(if only we had been that lucky in his birth as well, dangit.)

I"ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

M,

When I conceived my youngest girl, I was 400 miles away from my dh in Scotland. I joked that so long as the baby came out with an English accent and looked like the others (who were virtual clones of each other and him at the time), then it was fine.

Of course, when she was born, she looked like me and nothing like any of the rest of them :D

M, I posted a story similar to these two at the end of last week's thread -- I was 400 miles away from my husband when I ovulated the first time I got pregnant. It can definitely happen.

I had a scan today with my new OB. Love the OB, had a great scan. Baby measuring about four days ahead, moving around a lot. And my placenta is anterior so we could not hear the heartbeat via external doppler, which means I am just putting that home doppler away.

Love to everyone here. As always, I wish we could all have smooth sailing this time around.

M - we had the worst timing possible in September and I'm 9 weeks & change. I have no idea how we got lucky that month but we did (I even did a whiny ranty post about mourning my fertility too).

Beth - I'm so glad the scan went well.

AFM - this morning I dreamed that my MW couldn't find this baby's heartbeat either, but it was because the baby was dead, and not because it was early. What a mindfuck. Now I'm kinda sweating that this baby is dead too and I won't know for another 2 - 3 weeks. Ugh.

Thank you for all your good wishes. Everything seems to have settled down a bit and I'm no longer bleeding so I'm hoping that's a good sign.

Leslie - they didn't mention anything although I'm trying to rest up because I feel pretty sick most of the time. I was so relieved that everything seemed to be fine that I virtually ran out of the hospital and might not have waited to hear all the advice!

M - it looks as though it certainly isn't unheard of!

Beth - glad you had such a lovely scan. I had anterior placentas with the twins and it does seem to make quite a bit of difference when it comes to finding heartbeats and movements.

Sarah N - I'm sorry you had such a scary dream. Waiting with you. Should be 2-3 weeks before I have another scan too.

My internet got knocked out by the wind. Gusts up to 70mph. Ridiculous.

How did things go yesterday Paula? And B, you saw the midwife too right?

Sarah, that is a very scary dream. I hope the next couple weeks go by quickly and you hear that sweet heartbeat for the first time. You too Catherine. I'm so glad the bleeding stopped.

So glad everything looked good on your scan today Beth.

Sophia and Rachel, glad everything is going well so far. I totally understand not wanting to tell anyone.

AFM, got the results of my tests back and everything was normal. Still waiting on my husband's chromosome results, he did his test about a week after I did mine so that should come in next week. Assuming he is normal also, it basically just means that both miscarriages and our son's birth defects equal a big pile of shitty luck. In some ways that might be okay, I mean how long can one person's luck continue to be so shitty? Don't answer that.

Thinking of everyone, especially those of you in the 2WW. My husband and I are rarely apart so the ovulation during travel thing has never happened to me, but it is totally possible. Love to all of you.

Two new sonograms and once announcement this evening on facebook. I still haven't even ovulated.

I got sick for the first time in over 3 years and I guess it interfered with Clomid's best intentions.
DH went to bed before we got a chance to DTD again tonight.

I'm just so tired and worn out of all this. Part of me just wants to give up in despair. I'm just tired.

I'm so sorry Melissa. Hang in there, I know it has to be so frustrating. xoxoxo

I'm sorry, Melissa.

Keely, how are you feeling about the results today?

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging thoughts on long-distance conception. I really appreciate it.

Melissa I am so sorry... I am thinking of you- I wish I had stronger words of comfort.

Beth and Catherine I am thrilled for both of you.. keep the good news coming to us.

Sarah H- so sorry about that dream.. breathe mamma.

Keely-I am both glad and sad for you. Glad that so far there is nothing to show that a future pregnancy could result in the same defect and sad that it does not give you the answer you might have been searching for. We will never know what truly caused Cullen's heart to stop beating and it frustrates me so very much.

M thinking of you....

Sarah N- xo mamma.

Leslie, I'm so sorry you guys will never have any answers. It sucks. xoxoxo

Hey M, thanks so much for asking. I actually feel pretty good about it today. I think I was carrying around some irrational guilt that maybe this was something I was doing to my babies, so I am so happy to know that it's not. And I am a pretty big hypochondriac, so I wasn't a huge fan of something being "wrong" with me, even if it meant a better chance at not miscarrying next time. I am also a pretty optimistic person, so while I may not sound that way in the above post, I do believe that if this is just shitty luck, statistically we will not pull the short straw every time.

What really throws me for a loop are my son's birth defects. I think I just really thought, since my grandmother had a stillborn baby girl with spina bifida, I must have an inherited MTHFR mutation. That just "made sense" to me. And yet I don't, so there is really no damn reason that he should have had all the problems he had. And yet he did. That pregnancy was going really well and I am just beyond pissed that in addition to drawing the multiple miscarriage short straw, we also drew the random birth defect short straw.

So, to conclude, I guess I am in fact kind of pissed that there is no "reason", although I am glad that there is nothing wrong with me. You know?

On another note, my husband's testing is still out there so I guess there could still be a reason for the miscarriages. I'm doubting he has a problem though, because our son was fine chromosomally, our second son with the birth defects was fine chromosomally, and our most recent loss was fine chromosomally. We don't know about the first miscarriage. But could someone with a chromosomal problem produce three out of four chromosomally normal children? I guess, but it's not likely.

Good lord this turned into a very long response :p

Keely, the answer is yes, but not very likely :)

For what it is worth though, my two friends are normal chromosomes and for a long time, their deeply damaged daughter was thought to be too. They couldn't find anything. And then eventually, they discovered a tiny missing tip, so small it had been missed over ad over, but known to be on a gene that can cause the effects it had on her.

Just "one of those things" - enough to be disastrous for her but not something that would affect her other child.

Just a quick update. I wish I had time to reply to all.
I had an US on Tuesday this week and they found a baby with heartbeat.
We are thrilled and continuing to be optimistic we will have a happy healthy baby the end of May.

Natalie - such good news. :-)
Keely - You make sense to me. Sometimes the promise of an answer is a double edged sword.

My belt is feeling tighter and I gag in the grocery store. Maybe this baby is still alive and we'll se a heartbeat on the 15th. Here's hoping.

Also - Monday is my first meeting with the Coalition for Breech Birth. I'm excited and scared.

Blessings Natalie.....
Good signs Sarah H...