I lost my baby girl at 27 weeks. I gave "birth" to her on July 13th, 2010. This is the first time that I have sought out an avenue to help me. Here's my story.......After not finding a heartbeat, I was sent for an US. Where it confirmed that she had died and that I had no amniotic fluid around her. I was then induced and after about 10 hours of labor, I gave birth to my 4th child, my 2nd daughter. My husband and I were able to spend time with her and hold her but all I could do was cry. I wish I would have spent more time with her. We were given a memory box from the hospital and I wear my little gold ring on my neck everyday. We have her ashes, so that she is always home where she belongs. I cry on a daily basis for what I don't have. I don't have a baby to keep me up all night, I won't hear her call my mommy and I will never see her grow up. I feel like I am going crazy. I live in a very rural area that maybe sees 7 stillbirths a year. I'm all alone. We have been given the green light to try again. I am changing doctors, as I blame my previous midwife, who blew off my concerns when she shouldn't have. I want another baby so badly. I want something to hold and to cry and keep me up all night. But I'm so afraid that either I won't get pregnant or that I will lose another child. And I am afraid that I won't "love" the next baby like I should. I have seen all the woman have their babies that were due around me, and I want to scream. It's not fair. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they all turned out ok, but why me? Why does anyone have to go through this, it's not fair. This is the first time I have written down my story and have asked for help. I'm not crazy, I just need a little help to get through the hurdles.

Oh sweet Jenn I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I hope you will find in this place a link to the support and community that you are seeking.

I lost my son- my 4th child- 6 weeks ago on September 11th. Cullen is so loved and so missed. I am a living a different life since his death. We are also trying for another child immediately and I know all of your fears and questions about the possibility of another pregnancy all too well.

He was scheduled to be born on Oct. 15th and since then I have longed for what I should be doing right now. Nursing him, changing him, holding him.... He should be here in my arms. I will admit that it pains me to know that so many other mothers got their happy ending and have no idea what this life is like. I envy their naivete. I hate that the outside world has such a hard time dealing with stillbirth and infant death and that so many people out there have had to face that reality. I also hate how this has changed life for my three living children who wanted so much to hold and kiss their new baby brother. They are young and the concept of death was never a part of their lives before Cullen.

I hope you will share more with us and talk through your fears. We are all here to listen.
Much love and grace- Leslie

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and that you find yourself here. The early days are so very hard. Be gentle with yourself if you can. Sending much love.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Jenn. My daughter Charlotte, my first child, died shortly after birth on May 14th. I am sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found this place. The early days are so difficult.

We are trying again as well. We have been for a couple months, and while it is hard the support here has been helpful. I understand the need for a living baby to hold and nurture. I also understand the insane jealousy when seeing women who got to bring their babies home.

Feeling crazy is normal, but we don't suspect you are. We've all felt crazy at one time or another since losing our babies. You don't have to worry about that here.

Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. If you don't mind me asking, what was her name? It brings me comfort to hear my daughter's name, or to see it written out.

We are all here to support you. Much love to you and your family, Jenn.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you wished you had spent more time with your daughter. I feel the same way about my son who was stillborn in March (39w3d).

I'm rural too - there are very few supports for infant loss here but there is community online. And no - you're not crazy, you're grieving. They feel similar sometimes, but are different (apparently).

I know this sucks, and it's easy to ask 'Why me?' but the real question is 'Why not me?'. A normal pregnancy has 0.5% chance of stillbirth. Or 99.5% chance of everything going fine. We are unfortunate because we know that the 0.5% feels like and now we have to figure our way forward. It is not easy or simple.

We started TTC immediately after Foster was born. In hindsight I wish we had held off 2 or 3 months since it didn't make any difference. I was deeply resentful of TTC so soon after my son's pregnancy. I'm also glad it took 5 months to get pregnant again because while we miss Foster daily, we have had time to mourn him, and we don't want him back, we want a child period.

I've rambled here, but all of this to say, you're not alone. Come here and be held - it will help you heal - but remember that life will and does go on and there is much hope to be found, even on the darkest day. You will get through this.

Sending love,
Sarah

Leslie...My due date was September 11th. Part of me was scared to have that date as my due date. I guess in a way maybe I knew something bad was going to happen.

I am so sorry for all your losses. I wish I would wave a magic wand and make it so that no one ever has to go through this. It's hard knowing that other woman have to go through this. They shouldn't have to. It should be guaranteed that you get a happy baby if you are pregnant.

Monique...thank you for your kind words.

Angela...thank you to you too for your caring words. I do find comfort in them. I want another baby so bad that my arms hurt. I want to hold another baby, I want to hear those screams as soon as they are born again. I didn't even get a chance to hear her cry. I was so angry that I didn't get to hear my daughters first cry. Her name is Raelin Alicia. This is only the 2nd time that I have said her name " out loud" I find it very hard to hear or even say her name. In don't know why. I guess it makes it real then. I try so hard not think of the day she was born. If I remember anything from that day it makes it hard not to sob uncontrollably. I wish 1 day would go by that I don't cry. But I have made it this far. Considering I didn't even think I could make it through that day let alone the next or even a week afterward. Coming home without a baby and seeing everything from my babyshower a week earlier was the worst. My husband had to hold me up and help me walk up the stairs. But here I am almost 4 months after. I have survived. I don't know how, but I have. I am very thankful for my husband and kids. Because without them I probably wouldn't have made it. They give me something to fight for. They just don't know all the times that I walk away and breakdown quietly. Or how many days I take the kids to school just to come home and cry all day.

Sarah....I am sorry for your loss. We too started trying to conceive right away as well. Now we are even more active on trying. Sex every other day though is making sex seem like a chore. I don't want a replacement and that's why I don't tell people that we are trying again. I don't want to hear their opinions. It's my sanity that matters not what someone thinks is right or wrong. But with every negative test and period that comes, I feel like I am once again a failure. I seem to think more of the negative things instead of the normal things. I am afraid that I am having fertility problems, I am afraid to listen to my body. I am still so angry at my body for failing me, that I won't listen to my body. I am afraid to think for even for a second that I could be pregnant because I'm scared that I will make myself belief something that's not there. Does that make sense?

It makes absolute sense Jenn. I completely understand your not wanting to share TTC with the outside world as well. I just know there are so many people who do view a baby after a loss as a bow tied around a package that 'makes it all better'. That could not be further from reality.

Hi Jenn -

I'm so sorry for your loss.

TTC after such a terrible loss is a hard balance. There is the urgency to fill that void - even if it's not a replacement baby, even when we know they are separate beings - and the longer it takes, the worse it feels.

I tried for nearly a year after losing Gabe and am currently on a ttc break. I remember there were a couple of times in there where I felt like I was going insane because of the pressure I was putting on myself. Now that I'm out from under that, it's such a relief. We're planning to start trying again in a few months, when the situation is better suited.

I don't want to say relax and it will happen, or anything like that. I do want to say that I think many of us who don't get pregnant again right away feel similar to you, and go through periods of doubt and fear and trying to control as much as we can about the process in hopes of making it happen.

Be gentle with yourself. One thing I can say for me is that as much as I wanted another baby immediately, and wanted to be a mama to something other than a dead child, at this point, having been dealt the lot I have (a couple of chemical pregnancies is the closest we've come since losing Gabe), I'm sort of grateful that I didn't conceive immediately. My perspective has shifted, and I'm in a much better place mentally, and with my grief. I don't mean to suggest that it's good, or that I will be better off than someone who was luckier than I, but it does help. A lot of the anxiety has faded, and I'm glad that my grief surrounding Gabriel wasn't tied up in the expectation of his brother or sister. I think that things became worlds easier for me when I realized that for myself.

Welcome to our little fold - I hope you know you are welcomed, loved and not alone.

Leslie...That's exactly what it is. I don't want people to think I want a "replacement" She will always be part of our family. I just want what I feel the universe owes me. Is that horrible to say?

eliza...Thank you, and I am so sorry for your loss. We have been TTC for just 2 months, ok really 4, we didn't use protection at all afterwards. And every month I seem to teeter on the edge of my sanity. I know I have to relax and let things happen when they are supposed to. But I feel that the only thing that will help me heal is that there is something good coming out of this. I honestly don't know if I will ever be in a "better place" mentally or physically. I just don't see it happening. Maybe it's too soon to think about a better place, but I try.

Oh it's definitely too soon to see, but not to wish for it. For big events in life, one needs years to see it with enough objectivity to trace good or bad from it.

It is a hard time - compounding the grief over your loss. Just be kind to yourself. I hope it happens quickly for you.

Oh Jenn, I am so sorry for your loss. Your words sound like they are coming right out of my mind. I feel the same way about so many things. We lost our first baby, Charlotte, on June 6th when I was 26 weeks pregnant. She was stillborn too.

It is so hard and hard for others to truly understand. But I think you have found a community of women who know exactly where you are coming from and what you are going through. I know I have found much comfort in reading and posting here these past few months.

We are just starting to try again. And that will be different for everyone, the timing of another pregnancy. All the waiting and anticipation. I totally understand how you don't expect it to be a replacement for your daughter. Raelin is such a pretty name. I too had a very tough time saying my daughter's name out loud at the beginning. And it was something we had loved talking about for weeks.

Take good care of yourself.

Jenn, I too am so sorry for you loss. My heart aches for every mother who has to go through this.

I have felt crazy and cried everyday since my son died in June. My arms ache to have and hold another child.

You are in my thoughts.

No that is not horrible to say at all.
You have a great deal of support here= lean on us whenever you need to.
Love and grace- leslie