I first want to say that i know how lucky I am to be carrying this new baby. I am 33 weeks and everything looks great. She´s small, but healthy, and I am so thankful for her.

That being said, I can´t seem to get excited about this baby. Around 5 months or so, after the 4+ months of morning (all day actually) sickness had passed, there was this window of about 6 weeks where I felt great and was truly excited about my new daughter. I´m still feeling pretty good now, but I can´t seem to bond with my unborn baby.

My husband talks to my belly, talks about what she´ll look like, what we´ll do together, and how excited he is to meet her. He can sense that I´m not feeling the same way and is starting to get upset with me... and why shouldn´t he?

She´s due in December and when I think about January I think about how many hours I´ll take at work, or what I´ll do since I don´t have any pregnancy restrictions. I feel awful and have negative thoughts about the baby, not loving her, or feeling burdened by becoming a mother.

I know I love her and I can´t imagine how devastated I´d be if I lost her, but why can´t I just bond with this baby and be even a little excited like before?

I feel so alone and wonder if I´m experiencing ante-partom depression. Maybe I´m just reacting to the loss of the last pregnancy. I don´t know, but I can´t voice my concerns outloud to anyone for fear of what they´ll think of me.

What mother thinks like this?

Hi Edith,

FIrst of all, congratulations on your pregnancy.
Second, I, too, was like this all throughout my pregnancy. And I hadn't even experienced a baby loss (I just had many complications that made her safe arrival quite questionable.)

I think it's completely normal. (I don't see how it could be any different, once you've experienced a loss and/or seen how life can be turned inside out in an instant.) I am sure you are bonding with her at some level. But your restraint is probably just another face of anxiety. Again, I can't see how this is anything but normal. Talking about it or "seeing someone" might help, but what will really help is finally holding her safely in your arms.... In other words, I am not sure there is much you can do about this now.

But I am absolutely sure you'll make a fantastic mother. Please don't worry.
You will bond with your little one once she's sitting safely in your arms. You'll be head over heels in love with her. That's how I was, despite a complete lack of affect during my pregnancy.

That having been said, baby loss, pregnancy loss, infertility, any difficulties leading up to the birth of a child, do put you at higher risk for postpartum depression. So if you're still feeling like this a few weeks after your baby arrives, please don't hesitate to get help. It won't make you a bad mommy, just a hurt one...

I'll be thinking about your during this final stretch and wishing you all the very best....

"What mother thinks like this?"

A babylost mother. At least every one I have ever talked to anyway.

I struggled to bond with my twins from the start of my pregnancy (as I had had a difficult pregnancy with my first son, and then had an enormous bleed just 8 weeks into this twin pregnancy). I felt extremely guilty when my twin son died in utero at 25 weeks b/c we hadn't even picked out a name for him yet. I continued my son and his surviving twin another 12 weeks...and I struggled terribly to bond with her.

I was so scared that she would die and I would have my heart completely shattered.

I NEVER used a 'when' statement with my daughter until she was born...but I tried my best to learn to bond with her just living in me, even if I could never meet her alive. By 34 weeks, I finally let friends paint her nursery but didn't decorate it until 36 weeks. I had lots of friends and family pass me clothes for her...but did not buy one item for her (after her twin died) until she came home with us.

I'm sure you are having a depression of sorts...the memories of your last loss haunting you with every passing day. My peri started me on Zoloft the day after I delivered my livng and stillborn twin, as he felt I was at extreme risk for serious PPD. I'm so fortunate he did because the emotional rollercoaster was terrible even on the medication.

I'm rambling...I mean to say that you are perfectedly normal in your want to protect your heart. I hope beyond all hope that you will not need that protection for too many more weeks...and you will welcome your healthy and living baby into your arms.

Oh yes, and I purchased an Angel Care monitor for my baby...b/c my fear of her dying at any time did not go away totally after she was born. It was the single greatest investment I made in giving me some feeling of control.

Many hugs,

Eve

I'm right there with you. I'm only 17 weeks along in this pregnancy, but I can't imagine it actually producing a living, breathing, healthy baby. My mom has to schedule her vacation time 6 months in advance, and since I'm due in March, we recently had to figure out the dates she should come out to visit at that time. I felt like we were planning the time for nothing. In situations like that, I find myself often tagging sentences with, "that is, if there IS a baby in March." It's rough, and by the way, these are my thoughts even while on Zoloft (which I've been on for several years). Although the baby is currently thriving, I have struggled with a subchorionic hemorrhage that refuses to stop actively bleeding. That just increases my anxiety, and lowers my expectation of ever meeting this child. But even without that, I would have my doubts about the success of this pregnancy. I know I'm trying to steel myself from the pain of losing him if he dies. I know that type of strategy doesn't work--it just makes you feel the pain twice: Once while bracing yourself for it, and again after it happens. And if nothing bad happens, the preemptive strike just caused grief that never had to be there. Intellectually, I get it. But emotionally, I can't grasp the thought that this baby will be delivered healthy and actually live a life beyond a day or a week or a year. While my 4-year-old son kisses my belly and "tickles" his baby brother (while periodically asking if this baby will die), neither my husband nor I spend much time with the belly. The fear is a killer. So...I apparently have no words of advice, but hopefully you will find comfort in the fact that you're not alone. Don't pressure yourself--the love for your little girl will flow freely once she is born healthy...and you can let out a huge sigh of relief. I wish you much peace.

Rebecca...I was so there with you this spring, when my nearly 4 year old asked often if our surviving twin would die as well. Kids at this age are so blunt in their discussion of death. Sometimes he still wonders if she will die or if we can go up to heaven to visit Will. I'm so sorry you are struggling with an SCH...I had a terrible struggle with one with my twin pregnancy as well.

Blood and pregnancy should not intertwine.

Much hope to you both for healthy newborn babies in your future.

I think it's a pretty normal thing for babylost mums, I can't "imagine" having this baby. I don't let myself picture her, or think of what is going to happen after she is born or make any baby related plans at all, I feel totally disconnected. It's odd as I very much did bond with all the the others. I think it's a self protective thing, my brain is like "last time I did all that stuff and it really hurt when we lost the baby so best not to do any of that this time around". I wonder that if we actually get to keep this baby that it will come as a bit of a shock as I'm not prepared at all for it! Here's hoping I get to find out :D

As others have said, I do think of this as totally normal. I also agree with others who have said that you mind find that you are able to bond with this baby without problems, but that it might also be good to have a plan for finding help if you need it in the postpartum days.

I go back and forth. There are days when I imagine bringing this baby home and there are days when I imagine burying him next to Micah. Try not to worry about what other people will think - do and say what you need to to keep yourself whole.

Thank you all so much, it is helpful to know that I´m not alone in feeling this way. My husband is completely head over heels about this pregnancy and really doesn´t understand any hesitation on my part.

I´m slowly trying to allow myself to picture her and prepare for her arrival. We´ve finally bought a stroller and I´m planning on washing some of her clothes and getting her closet ready but these are really things I have to push myself to do.

I wish none of us had to feel this way, but it helps more than you know for me to see that there´s nothing bad about feeling scared and disconnected. I´m really hoping that we´ll bond quickly after her birth, and maybe I´ll even be able to feel excited as I´m getting ready for her to come home.

Thanks again, and to those athat are pregnant or TTC, good luck!

I agree with others that this feeling is totally normal for babylost mothers. I am 22 and a half weeks pregnant and try so hard to imagine bringing home a live baby. Its hard trying to bond but have tried hard to find some sort of normality. What I am finding helpful is still seeing my therapist. If you have a good one, I would recommend seeing someone who can provide you with some support and understanding. I have also been reading the chapter on Pregnancy after Loss from the book Empty Cradle Broken Heart and have been finding it really helpful. I've been discovering much of what I am feeling is something other babylost mothers have felt too. Its also interesting to read Eve and Rebecca's comments on dealing with their 4 year olds comments, asking "if this baby will die too". My 4 year old asked the same question last week and I was heartbroken. I havent done anything in preparation for this baby because I am like my 4 year old, worried this baby wil die too. I did however do what Eve did and buy an Angelcare monitor, for the same reasons that Eve has...I'm scared stiff. I dont know when I will, if at all get any clothes ready or even set up a nursery. But hearing others stories, I know that it is completely normal to feel this way.
Wishing you all the best and much love and peace in the coming weeks