Hi All,

We have a 6 year old girl and a 4 1/2 year old girl who has gone through this harrowing year with us, with our baby Salome's birth and death in January and all the tomfoolery that followed.

I am pregnant again, and if all goes well at a 12 week scan next Monday, we intend to tell our older girls about this new pregnancy that night. On one level both girls already 'know' what is going on, and telling them formally will be finally naming the elephant in the room. My husband wanted to tell them sooner, but I am not ready for all and sundry to know until I have that 12 week scan, and I don't want the girls to feel they have to keep it a secret when they are likely to have all sorts of emotional responses and thoughts to sort through.

I'm thinking Monday's chat will be just about "You were right all along. Mummy went to see the doctor today and it turns out she is growing a baby in her tummy just like you thought." Later on we have to tell them in some form that this new baby is also at risk of dying of early onset sepsus (e coli), and that this new baby will probably end up in NICU for a while too, just like Salome did, but we really hope this baby will live and we can bring this baby home.

We are thinking through what emotional response they might have to the news, thinking about what supports we can put in place for them before we have the discussion. Does anyone who has been through this have any suggestions? if you have been through this, what went well with your initial chat with older siblings? What would you do differently if you had to do it again? All comments welcome. Thanks.

I was really concerned about breaking the news to my kids (13 and 7) we'd had two miscarriages and lost Isabella at 24 weeks in the last few years and I knew they would just be really worried. I was around 14 weeks when we finally told them and they were relived to find out that was why I'd been so poorly, (I was ill and bedbound with muscle tremors and all sorts of weird stuff) they knew I was hiding something and were actually relieved that it wasn't something "serious" I felt a bit bad for not telling them earlier and explaining what was going on. I think children are far more aware of what is going on that we give them credit for and I don't think yours will really be too surprised if they have an inkling already. If they have been through the worst already I think they will understand that it is not so easy and that there may be difficulties. xx

We are here, too, although my daughter is only three so a bit younger. But she's pretty sharp for her age, asks about her baby brother all the time, and has been poking at my belly and mentioning babies in tummies a lot. I think she's got an inkling.

On the other hand she is pretty worried, too. I was in the ICU after we lost Hector, and I was very sick, so she associates my going to the doctor not just with babies but with danger to me, too. So she's also pretty worried.

I am feeling pretty doom-and-gloomy about this pregnancy right now so I am glad that we haven't told her, and if we get bad news next week I don't think we ever will tell her. But if we do get good news we're probably going to need to share it with her, because I am already showing and somebody is going to mention it to her if I don't, I'm afraid.

I didn't tell my teenage son (or anyone else) about the potential siblings until way, way into the third trimester -- say 34ish weeks. Keep in mine, however, that these were surrogate pregnancies, so I didn't have to worry about me showing.

For my own peace of mind, I needed to limit the amount of time that I would be subject to questions. But that's just me.

I lost a twin and continued to carry a twin earlier this year...my son was nearly 3 1/2 then. I guess we tried to be as hopeful as we could when we talked about our surviving twin's chances with my son. I said a lot of 'we hope' statements to him...I just couldn't stand to use 'when'...but maybe that was just for me. I found that Sam was more concerned with MY health, since I was also ill and in and out of the hospital during the pregnancy. It wasn't that he didn't care for our lost baby, or the baby to be...but ultimately his mommy (I think) was generally his greatest worry.

And I was able to assure him (with as much certainty as I could) that I would be there for him no matter what happened....and this did bring him comfort. It also helped that we had lots of family coming in and out, and so Sam had a lot of things to look forward to besides the baby's arrival.

I think there is no way to pull the worry away from them...I sometimes wonder how terribly hard it was on Sam to lose a brother, have a sick mommy and then a new sister (to take attention away from him) all within the span of 3 months.

But kids are resilient little creatures that are often bent on seeing the good in every little moment. I'm sure I could learn chapters and chapters from my son.

Much love,

Eve

We have a now-4-year-old who was 3 when his sister was born at full term with severe brain damage due to a probable cord injury. The toughest decision at that time was whether or not to let him meet his baby sister. Once we found out about NILMDTS it became a no-brainer; I desperately wanted pictures of my two children together. Because she was in a coma-like state and breathed on her own, it seemed to him like the baby was just sleeping. We kind of just didn't mention that she was going to die. We let him visit her at the hospice as well, since she lived for a full week. The layout of the room was deceptively welcoming--like a regular nursery. After she died, there was some explaining that needed to be done...and really has been an ongoing discussion depending on his questions.

So with this pregnancy (I'm 17 weeks), telling him seemed like less of a complicated decision than what we've already been through. It's weird, because he mentioned something about a "when a baby is in your tummy....." right before I found out I was pregnant. I feel like little kids often have a sixth sense about things. We broke the news to him pretty early but kept it really light, and haven't made a big fuss over the pregnancy--mostly because I'm very uncertain myself about this baby actually being born healthy. And also because if this baby doesn't make it, our son will think we are the biggest frauds ever. I'm getting a baby brother or sister? Yeah right. I've heard that twice now. He does ask periodically, "will this baby die?," to which I respond, "I sure hope not." Frankly, that's all I can muster to ease his uncertainty, when my own is so palpable.

He kisses, hugs and tickles the baby on his own volition. Although SO sweet, it worries me that he will become attached to a baby brother who he may never get to meet. Or who may leave us too soon. But then I rationalize it by thinking about little kids whose parents die. Or have other real tragedies in their lives. They had to learn about life and death at an early age--they couldn't be spared from the reality that is the circle of life. And then I remind myself that we will work through whatever happens as a family. We've been through hell and we're still alive; we're still a family; and at the end of th day, that's what counts.

I hope it goes well!

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and for your kind words. It really helped. Reading what you wrote reminded me that I should have some faith in our daughters' resiliance and capacity for hope.

Last night was the night. We all went out for dinner (I wanted to emphasise that the news was something to celebrate, rather than just be scared of). I told them they were right, I was growing a baby in my tummy just like they thought. I showed them scan photos that had been taken that day.

At first they didn't say much. I asked them "So do you think this is good news?" The older one (6 years) said "No Mummy it's not good news, it's great news. I just hope this baby is healthy." The younger one (4 1/2 years) said "Good..... Can I have more noodles now?" I shouldn't have expected a full sentence out of her when she was in the precense of an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The response of both girls was more subdued than we we last announced a pregnancy to them (about 11 months ago). Maybe they have a sense of "This will result in a baby joining our family and coming home with us? Yeah right, I've heard that before." And who can blame them. I feel a bit the same myself.

6 Year Old has been talking about the pregnancy this morning. 4 1/2 year old is giving birth to her teddy bear in the lounge room right now, breastfeeding the bear and settling it into a new bed. So all is well.

Many thanks again!

Sophia,

That made me laugh. Kids are so cute--no wonder we want more of them :-) I'm glad it went so well!