I hope you don't mind me being here. I don't really belong; I have not lost a baby. I was welcomed here before a few weeks back when I had my miscarriage (just 15 weeks) but haven't been able to find my own nook. I've been drawn here -- mostly, I think, because part of me is afraid of what lies ahead; because after infertility, then a difficult (yet full-term) pregnancy with a chromosomally "abnormal" (yet wonderful, and bright, and most importantly, live) child, and then a second trimester loss, I fear (oh, how I fear) I might join you (rightfully join, that is) in the future....

But that's not what I'm here to write about today.
We started ttc before I was really ready for #2. I was still breastfeeding my little one -- that's how early it was. But we figured, with our history of infertility, and with the plummeting IVF success rates after 35, we should start thinking about it. And bam, WTF, hello BFF...!

I remember peeing on the OPK's and bracing myself, thinking "de javu, I remember this (ttc) being a pretty long road, a pretty terrible trip."And then feeling such relief and elation when... it just happened. Without ever having to remember what infertility really feels like, how much it sucks.

Fast-forward to now, and all of a sudden I remember again. And I am overwhelmed.
It doesn't help that all medical professionals are talking crap about my eggs (I am 35, and the formal diagnosis is male factor. But somehow everyone seems to think my eggs are as good as rotten.)

But what gets me most is that I don't get to try again any time soon:
My husband got a new job out of the country 3 weeks ago.
Neither he nor I can visit. (Visa complications.)
I am to join him, but not before 6-8 months pass. (Work issues on my part.)
It's killing me.
I keep on thinking about this "fertile window" after a miscarriage, and I get so mad it's going to waste.
I may not have felt the "baby-fever" before ttc this time around, it might have been a rational decision more than an emotional one; but now I keep seeing pregnant bellies and newborns, and I long -- I just ache and ache and ache -- to have my own again.

At my OB's urging, we tried right away, 2 weeks after the d&e (I apparently ovulated right away.) Even though I knew the chances of becoming pregnant at that point were close to nil, I was hanging onto that thread of hope -- brushing aside the sadness, the feeling of being left behind, the fear that when we do get another chance at this, it might be too late...
Then I obviously got my period...

I feel so alone. Left to grieve without my partner. Left unable to plan. How am I supposed to heal when I can make no plans for the future? When I cannot DO something about this but wait and idly count the days and the weeks and the months -- all the while my eggs are just getting crappier? I am left in limbo-land; feel forgotten in neverland.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I have the most wonderful 20-month old at home. Being left with her alone is the best worst-case-scenario I can ever imagine. I relish every minute with her. Yet I still ache for another...

K, I am right there with you. I have a wonderful three year old son and I wonder how him being an only child has somehow become a "worst case scenario" to me. It's crazy. If he's all I get, then he's all I get and I will shower him with all the love and attention I can. But I just WANT another baby.....and it kills me that I can't do anything to make myself have one any sooner than it will happen.

I have had two first trimester and one second trimester loss, so I guess technically I have not lost a baby either. And technically, my second trimester loss was a termination, so I REALLY don't fit in. And yet I do. I think you will find a home here.

I am stuck in the waiting game also, not due to my husband being gone but just due to needing time to pass after my most recent miscarriage, waiting for genetic test results and just....healing, I guess. It sucks.

But I am really trying to concentrate on the good things about only having one child, being able to pretty much pick up and go if we want. We're trying to travel, to relax, do all the things that we won't be able to do as much when #2 comes. You will get there. I'm not sure why they are acting like your eggs are no good, but my doctor says 35 is not a magical cut-off number. It's different for everyone, and if your diagnosis is male factor then I would try to not worry about your egg quality changing in eight months. I do know where you are coming from too, they are testing us for some genetic issues that might make us more likely to miscarry, and if that is the case then I just want to get going, get through it and "achieve" that seond baby goal. Oh man, it is so sad to hear it stated like that. True, though.

Hang in there, thinking of you xoxo

Of course you belong and you did lose a baby, it royally sucks whatever stage your loss is at. Put in perspective 35 really is not that old at all, your not quite over the hill just yet! It's good news that you got pregnant without the IVF, hopefully that will happen again. It must be so hard to be looking at being on your own with a little one for so long, even without worrying about TTC. I hope you have lots of support elsewhere around you. xx

Thank you, both, for so kind a welcome and for your kind replies... It means so much to me to have a place where I can voice some of these issues. In real life I feel I don't have the luxury to express any grief -- too many people are counting on me "keeping it together." Plus, I (and the people around me) have seen much worse, so it feels unjustified to get caught up in this. Yet emotion defies reason....

Keely, I am so sorry to hear about your multiple losses. And the termination.... I can truly relate. I was just a hair away from terminating the pregnancy with my daughter. The sadness and the agony that that entailed, I would not wish it upon anyone....

Frustarted Fairy, even though being on my own is hard and pretty soon I will have close to no support (I have some temporary support these days from family), it feels like my little one is the only thing that keeps me going. She is such a joy and whenever I am down I just cuddle with her and all is well. It just brakes my heart that she is away from her dad -- whom she misses a lot. Thank goodness for Skype. My computer screen is full of her lip marks, left while kissing her daddy....

Oh yes, oh yes you belong here. I had a second trimester loss as well. As well as secondary infertility to add insult to injury, along with some failed IVF cycles. This place is definitely a space where everyone understands hoe devastating the loss of your baby at any stage is. You belong.

My loss was second trimester too. You belong here.

That all sounds so hard to deal with. I would be a basket case if I was away from my husband for 6-8 weeks (probably even 6-8 days!!), let alone months. I remember the good old days when I was self-sufficient. They seem so long ago.....

When I was at the fertility place a couple of months back she told me that IVF success rates fall a little sharper after 35 but that 37 is the time at which they absolutely plummet. I hope that reassures you a little. You still have time.....

thinking of you, k.

K- everyone who wanders far enough into these woods has a place at the fire.
I am thinking of you and wishing it were not all so very complicated.

Thank you. Thank you, all.

Keely, Paula, B, I didn't mean to diminish the impact of second trimester losses. But mine was early (15 weeks). I hadn't even felt a kick yet. I wasn't showing at all. I didn't (and still don't) know if it was a boy or a girl. And I wasn't going to celebrate before the amnio results (I had reason to worry about those, because of my first pregnancy.)

Of course you grieve every loss; of course it breaks your heart. But a trimester is a long time, and, to me at least, it makes a difference where in that period you lose a baby. I nearly terminated the pregnancy with my daughter at 23 weeks, and that would have been much more devastating than my current loss. I think even contemplating it caused me more grief than my current miscarriage. My daughter and I already had a relationship at 23 weeks. We reacted to each other. I felt like I knew her personality (eg she was, and still is, feisty!) At 15 weeks, my baby was just an idea. I grieve it, but I grieve the loss of potential, not the actual person...

Paula, I am very sorry to hear all that you've been through. It's been said here a lot -- infertility adds an extra layer of grief to loss, and it makes the process of healing all the more complicated. I know there is no such thing as a happy ending -- when your baby dies in the middle of the story, the ending is not a fairytale one -- but I hope you soon come as close to one as possible.

B, I am so very sorry for your loss, too. And I know what you mean when you say you used to be self-sufficient. Grief leaves you so vulnerable... But I think it also brings you closer to your partner, if you share the grief and are able to work through it. Wanting to be with someone who understands your pain -- someone who will allow you to fall apart and won't judge you for it -- does not mean you are weak or you lack self-sufficiency. It just means that grief is a lonely process, and it's a little easier to bear when you can share it.

Leslie, thank you, too. The fire is, indeed, very warming...

my loss was 16 weeks 6 days. i hadn't felt movement either. i wish so hard i knew whether it was a boy or a girl. i never will.

thinking of you. x

oh, B, I am so sorry...
I think my whole diatribe on the chronology of loss was misguided. I take it back....

I think it all boils down to expectations. By 15 weeks I think most people are already picking out names. By 17 weeks they may be decorating the nursery. When you're "normal" it's a devastating loss. The more I think about it, the more I conclude that I was abnormally cautious, that's why the blow has been softened. Apparently I didn't even keep the ultrasound pictures -- that's how detached I was. (Of course now it's killing me that I can't find any...)
And I am acutely aware that I already have one at home, and that makes all the difference in the world. If the loss was during my first pregnancy (or while expecting my first live child), I think I wouldn't even be functional right now...

Hang in there. I'm thinking about you and hope all works out happily this time around....

K- I am so sorry for your loss. You belong here. That sucks.
Keely- It seems that we are in very similar boats. Our baby had a genetic disease that caused her death. Although she lived for a month on a ventilator. We were also tested for the disease and are waiting for results before we can move a head with IVF and PGD. We just can't stand to lose another baby to this disease. We never had a problem getting pregnant but now I feel like i identify best with infertile people. To me trying naturally is so scary I can't even fathom it. To me IVF with PGD is the only way I will not be a crazy person. Even so who knows. I still might be. I am not promising my husband anything.