Shall I start it?

I'm in revolt. Nothing works so I give up trying. I've made a pledge with myself that I'll quit my addiction to peeing on sticks this month.

I'm temp taking, but that's it. I'm not doing the sticks. It's expensive, it causes me stress and it isn't actually helping.

Am now pretty sure that was a definite miscarriage last month. My period was heavy but over really quickly but I'm still getting occasional red spotting. So I bet this month a no-go too. In fact, pre-ovulation cramping, spotting, erratic cycles, heart flutters, hot flushes, weight refusing to move, insomnia, high fsh, not getting pregnant, low progesterone and clearly high estrogen - early menopause anyone?

PAH.

Merry I love your phrase to "my addiction to peeing on sticks". That sums it up beautifully, what your saying resonates with me a lot. It reminds me of a phrase from a John Cleese movie ages ago, something like: "The disappointment I can live with. It's the hope that's killing me!"

I'm nervous about writing my bit after your bit Merry, I really wish this past week had been kinder to you and I'm thinking of you.

The thing is, I've been following along with these posts for weeks and I've decided I need to get into this discussion or get out of this discussion because it is not good for me to read and read and not contribute. So here's my 2 cents worth, the Reader's Digest shortened version:

It is now 9 1/2 months since our daughter Salome died of early onset sepsus due to e coli infection. I am now 11 weeks 2 days pregnant. I have regular vaginal swabs to check the level of e coli in my vagina. If the e coli growing in my vagina crosses over into the baby's blood stream, there is little that can be done and labour is likely to begin within 24 hours. This is the outcome whether the pregnancy is 14 weeks, 22 weeks, or 40 weeks as Salome happened to be.

I also did a vaginal swab before we started TTC which indicated no e coli at the time. Last swabs I did while pregnant revealed 'profuse' levels of e coli in my vagina. My obst has told me to expect to take antibiotics for 7 to 10 days per month, and we will crank up the strength through the pregnancy as the e coli becomes resistant to different antibiotics. I'll be taking probiotics all the time, but can still expect bowel problems in the third trimester due to the antibiotics, maybe some bleeding from the bowel. We are aiming to get to week 36 before a ceasar, but any trouble past week 34 and it will be immediate ceasar. If it is a calm ceasar I will be on antibiotic drip the day before, to have antibiotics get from my system to the baby before the birth.

We need to prepare ourselves for another NICU admission for this Little One. Little One will also be probably be given a heap of prophylactic antibiotics as soon as they are born.

Immediate concerns are: 1. first and foremost, second by second management of hideous MF nausea. This is likely to last until birth, it has for all other pregnancies. 2. getting our heads around the ongoing risk to Little One, and our powerlessness to prevent another child dying due to stupid e coli if it comes to that. 3. Next week we have our 12 week scan. Then if that goes well (of course I'll be expecting the baby to be dead) then it will be time to tell more people. Responses to our news has not been uniformly positive to this point and I have little emotional energy to respond maturely to other people's stuff. 4. All going well, next week we also face the job of bracing the news to our 2 older daughters, aged 6 and 4 1/2. This will be tricky, particularly as the older one is a natural worrier anyway.

I feel really honoured to be pregnant. I don't take this pregnancy for granted. Every day further along is a win. My Obst is confident we will take home a healthy baby, and estimates our risk of this Little One dying from e coli as 'low'. If she hadn't been confident we would not have tried again.

That's the logic side, but on the emotional side, I FEEL like the odds of us taking home a healthy baby from this are about 5%. There are no facts to support this, that's just how I feel. Not in an intuitive way, more in a pessimistic way.

So that's the news from here. Thinking of you all, especially you Merry. I hope the week ahead is better for you.

Sophia,

That sounds an unbelievable roller coaster. Wishing you strength for it.

I understand what you mean about telling your girls. We finally told ours about Freddie when I was about 13 weeks. I immediately regretted it and wished I had waited until I was showing. They are older than yours but I'm chunky and could have got away with it.

I hope it goes well.

Oh, Sophia, that sounds so hard. I am so sorry that every single step of this process is going to so hard and scary and fraught for you.

Merry, I think we are the same age and I had really similar symptoms between Hector's birth and my current pregnancy. I do think in my case it was probably the beginnings of perimenopause, but obviously that did not translate into an inability to conceive. I am still hopeful for you.

As for me: I am 11 weeks pregnant today, and I am convinced that my baby is dead. I keep trying to find some glimmer of hope but it's been gone for about a week. I still have symptoms -- a belly, nausea, exhaustion -- and no particular reason for concern, except that, well, I'm 41, and between 8 and 12 weeks seems to be when a lot of women my age lose their babies. I don't have another ultrasound until November 2, or a doctor's appointment until October 28.

I did a really stupid thing; we bought a little doppler. And we can't hear anything but my own heartbeat with it. I know the at-home versions aren't reliable, I know it's early, I know I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm relatively thin and the external doppler has always worked at the doctor's office by about 9-10 weeks, so this has just kind of crushed me.

My husband is annoyed that I bought the stupid thing and thinks that everything is fine. He also reminds me that I always think the baby is dead right around now, and so far they never have been.

Merry - I'm sorry your cycle is being a jerk.

Sophia - I wish you strength for this journey. Does the Dr have any idea why you colonize with the e coli only when pg?

Beth - eeeps. I get your concern with the doppler. It's one of the reasons we're not getting one - I'm afraid of not finding the hb again whether it's accidental or because the baby has died. Can you put it away until later in your pregnancy to give you some peace?

AFM - I'm still pregnant and I start a new job this week. I'm terrified of telling them I'm pg within my probation period but I'm bloaty and look a bit pg and won't be able to hide it for another 12 weeks (Ha - I'm almost 8 weeks now. I think it'll be noticeable by 20 weeks). So my plan is to tell them when we learn the baby is viable and just go from there. I'm a bit anxious, but mostly tired and queasy. I also feel like my grief has stalled out a bit - it's not strong or gone but just tolerable and manageable. It isn't as important as it once was. Perhaps this is what the other side looks like.

Hope everyone is doing well.

xo
S

Merry, I got pregnant after giving up on the pee sticks, so it's definitely do-able. I'm sorry things are bad for you :(

Sophia, good luck, and I am hoping for the best possible outcome for you both. It all sounds so terrifying.

Oh Beth I hope your husband is right and the baby is fine. But I would be scared to death. One of the reasons I don't want a doppler. I think it would be more nerve wracking for me than comforting.

Sarah I'm glad you're still pregnant(!). Good luck in the new job. I think your plan sounds reasonable.

I'm still pregnant. afaik. I managed not to test today. i've gone from feeling ok to feeling doomed. i don't know if there's anything behind that other than fear. i'm trying to take each day as it comes but it's really, really hard. i was reading a blog this morning and she posted pics of some early pregnancy tests and said something about the line seeming to double in darkness in 27 hours, and i immediately panicked. mine aren't doing that. but that doesn't mean anything, right???

i spoke to my midwife today and i'm going in to see her next week. i would have pushed to see her this week but i'll see my doctor this week anyway so i can deal with that. she said the hospital i'm going to be booked into are sometimes difficult about early scans but that 'we can always pretend [i've] had a bleed'. i remembered earlier though that i know someone (the utterly useless bereavement counsellor from that hospital, if anyone remembers that story) who offered to get me straight in for a scan if i needed one. i KNEW there was a reason i never told anyone how useless she was as a counsellor!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and i watched Up tonight. the miscarriage/IF scene near the beginning nearly broke me. great film, though.


35 weeks 4 days to go....

Merry - Sorry your cycle is erratic.

B, Sarah, Sophia, Beth - Thinking of you all. The early stage before you can feel the baby move is so difficult. Hoping for a good outcome for all of you.

AFM - Saw my Naturopath last Thursday and she told me to hold off on charting, OPKs etc. for six months. My stress levels need to stay low since I am only on plant extracts for thyroid control now. CD 13 today and the signs of ovulation are present which makes no sense to me since it's over a week early. I have no idea what is going on with my body. Waiting to see what happens, but I don't think this is the month.

Head slap. I *should* be ovulating right now. I counted wrong. My cycles have been so varied and I am very, very confused. I ovulated way late last month. So I am ovulating and we will see what happens :)

I was given this link by a friend who is also a Mum of an angel. I don't normally post here either. TTC and being pregnant again is not the walk in the park some people have.

I hope you don't mind me jumping as I really would like to find other women who have lost babies due to infection.
Sophia, would you mind if we talked about ecoli? I lost my second baby girl, Isla on teh 9th September 2010 possibly due to ecoli and/or group B strep. I see my Obs Thursday to discuss the infection that was found in the placenta. My first baby girl i lost was Catharine in 2005 and we had no reason for the premature rupture of membranes but Group B strep was found on her. I would love to email you if that is ok?
Xx
Erica

Good luck with stepping back from everything and keeping the stress levels low, Angela. It doesn't sound easy at all. Fingers crossed for you for this month.

Of course we don't mind you jumping in Erica, thats what this place is for. I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost two daughters; how terrible that must be for you. What gorgeous names you gave them. Do you want to tell us more about your girls and their stories?

If you post in the 'for one and all' (the link is in the left column towards the top if you haven't seen it) section you might find more people who have lost babies to infection.

as for me, i tested with a 'clearblue with conception indicator' today (incidentally the ads for that REALLY BUG ME but i like the tests, so i keep buying them, damn!). i was terrified that it wouldn't go up from 1-2 to 2-3. turns out it's gone up to 3+ already. i'm hoping that's a good sign but scared it's a bad one; i'm still only 4 weeks 4 days.

Thank-you B.

B.

Stop NOW!!!!!!!

That's an order :)

Pregnancy tests are for seeing if you are pregnant; they aren't the right kind of sensitive for doing what you are doing and they are going to give you no peace at all.

If you need to be feeling safe (and god knows, I can well imagine it), fake some bleeding and get some Beta HCG tests done at your gp - you'll see figures going up and that will be more reassurance.

Stop with the tests now. Please :) For your own sanity :)

Love you ;)

I'm with Merry, B. You are going to make yourself crazy with worry. Have you had a first appointment yet? I know a lot of clinics wait until 8 weeks to do the first appointment, but considering what you've been through maybe they would move it up. Then you could have your HCG tested, get some reassurance from your doctor or midwife, and maybe feel a tiny bit better.

OK. I will consider myself told and step away from the tests!!! Thank you both :) I think I can actually, knowing the indicator has gone up significantly has... well yes it's partly driven me crazy, but it has also reassured me that things are at least going in the right general direction.

If I'm honest.... I'm just so scared that something will go wrong without me knowing, again. If the tests start getting fainter I'd at least have some warning.

Can I get beta HCG tests done at a UK GP Merry?? I've never heard of anyone having it done in this country. Even my friend who had IVF, they just believed the pregnancy test. I'll ask but I wasn't sure whether they would just look at me like I was insane. (errrm... not to imply that i'm overflowing with sanity right now.......)

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow (I'll ask her about the blood tests, she knows what I'm like and might well do it just for my sanity!) and my midwife next week - probably on Wednesday. My husband's coming along to see the midwife with me which is reassuring, he can talk for me if all I can do is cry (which is entirely probable).

I'm just so scared of going along with this pregnancy and letting myself believe only to find out in a few weeks it's not viable :(

Love you too Merry ;)

Bleh. So I went to go get some fillings done today, and there was cavity underneath an old filling of mine, and it might have to go root canal to get fixed. I am CD10, and I already took my Clomid this month, and we are rushing to get it done before I may potentially be pregnant and be severely limited in what we can do.

It's frustrating. It feels like nothing can easy. Everything has to be difficult or expensive as possible (A root canal is $1000) and that this would be an awkward or bad month to actually get pregnant.

Yes, you can. Well. Yes, or at the Early pregnancy Unit. Fake bleeding.

The only time I bled was with Freddie (his twin, we concluded) - I had 3 tests done every other day for a week. They go up, doubling initially till some indeterminate point where they stop and you can only rely on them going up, not doubling. My first, at 5 weeks +1 (we think, if I ovulated late) was something insane like 9000 and I know of IVF people who have had them done at the GP where they were 250 at that point.

But going up is all that counts.

My only rider is that I had 3 done in one arm, they collapsed the vein which was so painful that (thinking I was losing the baby anyway) I let them give me codeine and it was after that that I had my first "eyes shut baby" dream. But that, frankly, is by the by :)

thanks merry, that's incredibly helpful. i'll talk to my GP tomorrow and see what she says. and i know someone at the EPAU so she might help at a pinch.
and yes, i have stopped testing :)

melissa that sounds awful. i had no idea how lucky we are over here that root canals are so comparatively cheap, but still horribly unpleasant.

B, wanted to pop in and congratulate you, I know this is a tentative time, and congrats feel sort of iffy and I know you may not want them -- but I'm so happy for you. Love to all
XO
Mindy

Thanks Mindy. Congrats are a lot easier to hear here than in the 'real world'. How are you doing?

I bullied my GP into agreeing that I can have the blood tests. I have appointments Monday and Wednesday this week. She was reluctant as she is worried it could either give me false hope or worry me unnecessarily, but well. Whatever the results are I'm not going to worry *more*, and even if the results are good I'm still well aware that I could have a repeat of last time.

My temp had dropped .4C today from the last time I took it on Saturday. I'm trying to tell myself that it's because it was an awful lot colder this morning and I'd slept longer that day too, but I can't help feeling it's the beginning of the end.

I wrote a whole long post yesterday and I guess I forgot to post it when I left work. Ridiculous.

Anyway, just wanted to say hang in there to everyone, especially everyone that is in early days with pregnancy. That waiting game is so hard. Love to you guys.

Melissa, I am going to have to have some expensive dental work done soon too and I have been so dreading it. But yet, I know it needs to be done before I get pg again. Ergh.

Sarah, I hope the new job is going well. xoxox

We are still just waiting over here. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last week so hopefully AF will be here soon, and then we've been cleared again to try after one complete cycle. I don't know if we will though. We're still waiting on all the testing to come back from the karyotyping and RPL panel. The testing came back on the tissue from our most recent loss and it was genetically normal (and another boy, why do they tell you the sex?? It was out of her mouth before I told her I really didn't want to know), although I think that just refers to no missing or extra chromosomes, not that the chromosomes themselves are normal. So I guess some sort of translocation issue is still possible. IDK, honestly, I have been trying to just not think about it which is why I haven't been posting that often. I'm just trying to concentrate on other things for a while.

Thinking of you guys always, even when I'm not posting much :) xoxoxo

Ach Merry. I'm sorry and I hope those symptoms aren't anything sinister. That peeing on sticks addiction can get rather pricey, not to mention the stress.

Sophia, sending you strength for this pregnancy. I really hope you get the nausea under control, it really isn't pleasant and I find that any anxieties I have get magnified even further if I feel physically unwell. I don't even know where to start with e. coli, I just sincerely hope that your OB and your own logical side is correct this time and the risk is low. I'm sorry it looks likely you may end up in the NICU again. It is a terrifying place to be.

Beth, I really hope it's just a little too early to pick the baby's heartbeat up reliably with a doppler. It is a difficult time and I hope that your scan or your upcoming doctor's appointment can bring you some reassurance.

Angela, I hope that stepping back a bit from the charting and so on helps with your stress levels. It's hard to stop counting the days in your head even if you are trying to steer clear of all that stuff.

Sarah good luck in your new job (and in hiding your pregnancy until you are twenty weeks!)

B, glad you got your GP to organise the blood tests. I definitely had some during my last miscarriage as I was bleeding. I hope it manages to keep you away from the tests. I know their siren call all too well myself!

Melissa, bleh indeed. That's rotten timing and a root canal is awful at the best of times.

Keely, I'm sorry that they told you the sex when you didn't want to know. I hope that all the testing you are going through sheds some light on things. Thinking of you.

afm - fear has set in. I just hope that I will be able to keep this pregnancy going for longer than my first. I would find it very difficult to cope with another extremely pre-term delivery.

Natalie - you asked how I feel about a single pregnancy and I think it is . . . wistful. How about you? I felt a little tug at my heart to only see one baby on the screen, I've always seen two before (or none). I was talking about it to B earlier this week and something she said made sense to me, that I just want a 'do over'.. I think she's right.

HI everyone. I am sorry I was not on here in the last few days- I finally got Cullen's birth story completed this week so that was a big step for me.

I am almost six weeks out and still no ovulation- it might be a good thing if my body takes awhile to OV because it forces me to give my uterus a few more weeks to heal from the incision. We'll see...

Melissa I am so sorry about the dental work- it is never fun- especially when something like a root canal sneaks up on you. When will they know for sure if you need it? Keely- sorry you have to have some done too.

Merry- I am sorry. I wanted to let you know that I completely understand the frustration with OPK's. Here in the US I love the clearblue digital's- of course they are expensive but I find great deals on amazon. If you ever decide you want more we have $1 stores here and they sell both OPK'd and PG tests. I put them bot to the test last year and can say they work exactly the same as First response OPK's (line test) and PG tests. They even showed a positive PG test at least 5 days before AF was due just like First response. I can always pick them up for you if you decide you need what I call a 'stash'. I'm thinking of you...

Hello ladies!

I want to update each person directly but it's late and I'm beat. I'm thinking of everyone though, hoping for sticky viable babies and healthy pregnancies and lots of good strong ovulation.

Leslie - I didn't clearly ovulate until June (so 2 & 1/2 months PP) and my LP was whack until I got pregnant in September. Not trying to scare you, but wanted to give you some idea that it could take your body a few months to hormonally / physically reset (not including your incision).

AFM - today was day 2 of the new job. it's going really really well - I'm so pleased. Also there was a work function today, so I was mingling, avoiding alcohol (awkward) and got the question 'Do you have any kids?' TWICE. First time I said yes but that he died. Second time I said no but later went on to talk about his birth since the person I was talking to knew the hospital (her sister is due to give birth there in a few weeks). I think from now on I need to work on a response of 'Yes, but he died.'

Anyway - I'm 8w1d and still pregnant (!) and trying to remain hopeful. Only a month until we learn if it has a heartbeat. Crazy.

Thinking of you all and sending love.

xoxoxoxo
S

Sarah- I completely appreciate the info- thank you for thinking of me. If it takes a few extra weeks I will not be upset about it- it gives the incision more time to heal. I just hope that hormonally it would not be bad to TTC at that point before ever getting AF. It's all a gamble, I know.
I did get some raspberry leaf tea which was suggested to me for supporting the uterus. Also got the herbal supplement Pregnancy Prep. I can use a little of that- ha.

I hope you are able to find a response that you are comfortable with. Personally I love the 'Yes, he died" best. I had some free mommy cards printed form Kodak- on the back they have my name, email and cell number. They also say 'Mommy to four beautiful children- three who hold my hand and one who holds my heart'. I love them because they say SO much.
Keep that hope alive mamma. And drink some raspberry leaf tea ;o)

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

If any day was it, I think yesterday might have been. Dh knocked me back because he wasn't in the mood. Grumble. Grumble. Blah.

How depressing to be so dependant on a person's mood and biology for happiness to even begin.

i just got a letter from work saying that if i'm still off sick on 11 november i go down to half pay.

which is all very well if this pregnancy is viable - i'll get straight back to work if it is - but jesus. if it's not................

time to start selling everything we own on ebay :(

B. - hugs :)

And argh! Two temp rises, a full week early than the last two months - so yes, wine and the Ironman film won over timing. Argh.

Argh Merry. It's all so tricksy isn't it. Hope you enjoyed the wine and the movie though.

B I hope they can sort you out with some more sick leave with a better rate of pay.

Well, after the quietest pregnancy I've ever had, today I had a large bleed. I've just got back from the hospital and everything looks ok at the moment but I'm just so scared. I don't know what to do if this pregnancy goes wrong too. My strike rate isn't looking too good. Perhaps it might be time to just give up? Because I don't think I can take any more of this.

oh catherine. that must be so scary. i hope everything stays ok. i'm thinking of you.
xx

Oh Catherine. Thinking of you.

Catherine I am thinking of you and sending as many thoughts as I can.
love and grace to you mamma....

Catherine, thinking of you. All my prayers.

I'm so sorry Catherine, although happy that things look okay at this point. Hang in there, and try not to think too much about the what ifs. I know it's hard. Thinking of you xoxoxo

Thank you so much everyone. I was really hoping that everything would go smoothly this time but I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see (and try and stop thinking about those what ifs).

Thinking of you, Catherine. I'm so sorry for the scary bleed, and so glad that everything looks good today.

Over here, I'm just hanging out and hoping by some miracle that we end up with good timing despite my business trip. I don't temp or OPK or anything, so it's all guesswork, but I'm worried that I'll be out of town when I ovulate. Guess there's only one way to find out......

Sending good thoughts your way Catherine.

Thinking of you, Catherine. And sending good wishes to you.

I've forgotten to pop back in here the last couple days. I didn't need a root canal after all, but I am sick, and so I've been wandering around feeling miserable.

I had a positive looking OPK this morning but am too miserable to do anything about it. We DTD yesterday and will hopefully tomorrow if I am feeling less plague-ridden and so that should be good enough. I'm not sure what I can trust with my temps since I'm not feeling well. I'm not really running a fever but I am running a little warm -- 99.3 just now. I'm also hoping I can fight this off and not need any meds.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

I'm 14 wks as of yesterday and FINALLY in the 2nd trimester. I know that doesn't really mean anything, but I'm glad to have made it to this milestone. Now I'm focusing on my next OB appt in 2 weeks, where we'll hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat and be reassured for a day or so! I've had 2 dreams this week that I have a live baby, so I'm taking that as a good sign. With Nevan, the only dreams I had were that I gave birth to a cat, and that I had a baby but it's head was a plastic ball. (This seems interesting to me now since Nevan looked like a perfect baby, but had no brain function). We bought an outfit for this baby, I've got it hanging on my bedroom door and am trying to picture the baby coming home in it. Trying to stay positive, but it's definitely a struggle. (I've gone on a bit of a rant here, but just needed to get it all out of my head!)
Thinking of you all.

Melissa- I am so glad you do not need a root canal! Sorry you are sick though. A week after the c-section I got sick with a horrible cough that is still lingering. It is not fun...
I have a feeling that your temps will be skewed if you are running a fever.

Rachel- congratulations on that milestone- your dreams seem positive and they come from within your subconscious so hopefully your body is reacting to all of the positive energy!
Thanking of you to...

Rachel, I think you should trust the dreams - I had two i really remember when I was expecting Freddie, both that I was looking at a baby who wouldn't open his eyes. And another about him being taken from me in the delivery room. No good ones. So if you've had bad and it ended badly and now you are having good, go with it :)

Oh Leslie, a cough on a fresh c-section is just not fair.

It's really not. Painkillers with codeine in them work well for that though as codeine is a cough suppressant. It's apparently one of the reasons they give you them after a c/s - caution mostly if you might have an infection as obviously then you want to cough to get it off your chest. if just viral cough, it can really help.

Thank you both so much. I seriously wish I had posted about this when I was in the throws of it. Lesson learned.
It is subsiding so much more bearable. Two kids have minor colds again but they seem better today as well.
Tonight it is pouring outside- that with my cuppa makes for a beautiful evening in my world.
Thanks girls...

Struggling a bit here, tonight. I posted this on the end of last week's thread, but I started my period early this cycle, which has me out of town during the days I assume I'll be most fertile. We had sex yesterday, and I flew out this morning...and now I'm having more fertility signs than I've had in the last four months (specifically: CM). I'm hoping beyond hope that there's still a chance, and I'm googling the life span of sperm, and wondering if perhaps I'll catch it on the other end (I'm home on Wednesday). I know the reality is that I just don't have any control over this, so there's no point in having all of this internal struggle. But I can't seem to stop myself. This is our third cycle "trying" and our timing has been off every time. Aaarrggh.

Okay, I feel slightly better now that it's out of my system.

Oh, M. I hope if this cycle is not the one, that the next one is. (And if data points help, the first time I got pregnant I was 400 miles away from my husband when I ovulated ... we'd had sex the day before I left. That one did not stick, but I don't think our timing had anything to do with that.)

Thinking of you, and of everyone. Catherine, I hope you can get some reassuring news.