I'm jumping the gun and posting this now because I have never been more ready for a new week. Last week can kiss my ass. How is everyone???

Just had an ultra sound this morning. they think it could be a blighted ovum, sac but not fetus. Measuring 6wks 3days, I thought I was closer to 8 wks. They suggested that I go back in 10 days for another US and see if things have changed. I guess we will just sit back and continue to wait.

Yay, I'll start! Hahaha.

Still haven't heard from MFM, I suppose I will call them today and see what's going on. It's only been a few days so they probably just haven't gotten to it yet, but I am anxious to get going with this. Patience is not one of my best qualities.

In other news, we signed up for an adoption orientation next week. I really have no idea what all is involved in adoption, so I am interested to hear what they have to say.

Hope everyone is doing well. Natalie, I thought about you all night, I hope things are okay. xoxoxo

Sorry Natalie, we were posting at the same time. I hate the waiting game, and I'm sorry you are having to do that. I will be thinking of you.

Getting my teeth to the end of another 2ww but not expecting anything this time as I'm not convinced I even ovulated. But I'm calmer than I've been yet and in some respects just wanting this one past so we can start trying to figure out an action plan.

Wishing it was going more smoothly for all the people who have/had conceived. Much love to all.

Oh Natalie :( I'm sorry to hear that. I'm hoping your dates just turn out to be off. Ten days seems like a long time doesn't it? You know we're here for you.

Me, I seem to have ovulated at day 27, which was Friday. I say seem to as often my temps are higher at the weekend anyway (sleeping later and longer; i know I should set my alarm earlier but i can't be bothered!) and today's is lower, although still above the coverline. I suspect I may actually have ovulated a day or two later (ie yesterday or the day before).

I'm feeling very ambivalent about this month. For the first month since losing the baby, half of me doesn't want to get pregnant this month. I've been projecting an air of being fine, being over this, but I'm really not. And it's taken me this long to admit to myself that although I do want to be pregnant again, it's not really 'the next' baby that i want. I want the baby that I lost back :(

I don't know. Part of my brain thinks that because I don't want to get pregnant this month, I will. That part of my brain is quite excited about the possibility. The rest of me hopes that that half of me gets hit by a train, or something. Or at least shuts the hell up.

Hoping everyone else is feeling a little saner than me.

Keeley I hope you hear back soon. And hope the adoption thing goes well. I heard at the weekend that there are a surprisingly large number of babies (18 months or so) up for adoption in the area i live in. it's not my plan of choice, but you never know; maybe it will come to that, so that was good to hear.

fingers crossed Merry.

Wrapping up the end of my Provera course now. Hoping it works. I don't know what they do if it doesn't work.

I am exhausted and am going to force myself to go workout today anyway.

Just started week two of my 2ww. Expecting my period Friday or Saturday, but hoping it doesn't show up. This is like torture. Why isn't there a definitive sign - like urine turning purple soon after conception - that lets you know you are pregnant. Keep hoping for early signs, but so far nothing.

Thinking of you all.

Fuck I wish this was easier for everyone.

Still status quo, still job hunting. Trying to be zen, and doing meh at it.

Just wishing some peace for everyone, and hopefully some good news soon.

Lots of love.

Keely - I am so sorry. How I have often felt that way too, about weeks in life, hell...life in general sometimes.

Natalie- I am so sorry.

To everyone ttc - I just wish so much it wasn't so hard. I mean going through the hell of losing you baby is enough punishment. Why must a pound and a half of salt be poured into the gaping wound.

I feel funny posting here sometimes since I am pregnant, like I am the 800 pound elephant (quite literally now as big as I've gotten) in the room. I don't want to hurt anyone. Please tell me and if I am and I will just continue to lurk.

I am almost 36 weeks. Last week I ended up in L&D at the hospital, because of swelling, (one foot larger than the other), and blood pressure, and had gained 7 pounds in 2-3 days. I was really scared that things were really going to go badly, and thought the worst as most so often do. I checked out OK with blood work, and the ultrasound of my legs to see if there was a clot involved, blood pressure a little high, and was sent home for bed rest for the weekend to see if the swelling would go away. Bed rest on the left side for several days brought the swelling way down. As I was laying in the hospital I began to think that what if this was it? If it was time to deliver her? And if the outcome is good, I have prepared nothing for her out of my fears. I did not even have a car seat. It took me a couple of days but I mustered up the courage to order a car seat. Of course it will go out of sight when it arrives into the attic. I also tempted fate a bought 1 outfit for her, again to be put away. Dammit how I wish for my naivete back. I wish for ALL of our naivete.
I have been officially put on disability leave now. Work was hard because i am so tired due to lack of sleep, but at least it was a distraction from just sitting here thinking and fretting.

although I do want to be pregnant again, it's not really 'the next' baby that i want. I want the baby that I lost back :(

wow - that really hits on how I feel every single day.

It's our first month really TTC. I bought ovulation tests and it makes me feel like such a failure to have to use them. Last time, it was so fun and so quick. ha. what a difference a year makes and as I type that I'm so hoping that one year from today, I'll look back and still be sad and miss my son but have some joy in my life, and I think you all know what I mean when I say that.

wishing everyone the best.

S

Keely and Natalie, sorry that things are not going well.

eliza, our anniversary is in 2 days and it is really not celebrating time around here. Good for you for trying to do what is best for you even if it means waiting longer to ttc. I don't think I would be strong enough to make that choice right now.

B, I am SO not any more sane than you (and don't get to see my counselor until next Tuesday) but maybe someone else is.

AFM, to quote sad kitty "I am ovulating like a mother-fucker" (at least I think it was her, well I know she won't be offended to have it attributed to her). However, after my MIL decided to confess that she "snuck into the baby's room" to look at Reid's things, (no she did NOT ask if it was okay with us) I am a seething mass of rage. I thought blogging would calm me down but it hasn't worked yet. I have to go crack open a bottle of wine so I can calm down enough to DTD. ARRGGGHHH!

I'm anxiously awaiting my 12 wk appt and u/s tomorrow. Was doing alright this month, but am starting to freak out as the appt draws near.

Thinking of everyone.

"although I do want to be pregnant again, it's not really 'the next' baby that i want. I want the baby that I lost back :("

Yeah. I don't feel like that every single day, but the other day I was offloading photos from a memory card and found the photos the nurse took of us with Hector, and it just wrecked me. I look at the NILMDTS photos pretty often, but not these more raw, untouched color photos. The last time I looked at them was about a month out and I couldn't stand it, but this time I looked at the them for a long time, tracing out his face and imagining what he would look like now, at four months old. My sweet boy.

But mostly I think I keep it separate. I am secretly kind of hoping for a girl, so that my boy will always be my boy, never replaced, always the only baby brother.

Thinking of everybody and wishing this were easier.

Whereas all I want now is to be mummy to a boy :( I don't want more girls, I just want the one thing I never wanted at all until Freddie.

And as if there was nothing more that could entirely fuck with my head, I went for a pelvic scan today, to see if anything was cyst-ish, fibroid-ish, twisted or wonky. And it wasn't. All normal. And I was trying not to look and then I did and thought "Oh fuck, there is a little black dot"... and a couple of moments later she said "I don't want to get your hopes up, because it could just be a blood clot, but I think that looks like a possible really early pregnancy."

In the middle there was a clearly visible skittle shaped black space, in the midst of otherwise good lining and everything else.

I was doing so well, I was really calm and now - ARGH... now I don't know if I'm hoping for a positive or a period. If it was a pregnancy, it's bloody big for how pregnant I could be, that's for sure but I've had a lot of scans and it sure looked like it to me.

*wibble*

Paula - This is absolutely the place for you to post. You do it sensitively and kindly and for me at least, you give me hope.

S - good luck!

Cara - good luck, hon. I will say the decision was a lot easier as we approach a year of ttc and given a crazy work situation that is only now starting settle down. The reality is that we can't afford any assistance with reproduction, and they won't offer any until I lose weight. It is only to my benefit to do so, anyway. And I have a gut-level feeling this is the right move. I think the regular exercise and weight loss will make my cycle more normal - it's regular enough (when I'm not stressed the fuck out) - I ovulate and have normal periods. But it would be better if I could get it back to ovulation before cd21 - when I weighed loss and worked out frequently, it was cd17 or cd18 like clockwork. That gives better odds of pregnancy.

And I SO hate to say this - teeth-gnashingly hate it - but it's been to our benefit that we've not gotten me knocked up yet. My work situation would have been impossible if I were pregnant and given the current climate that is bad. I make 60% of our household income. If my husband lost his job - we could float while he finished his degree. If I lost mine, we'd be sunk. So not being pregnant and being able to work the crazy hours I had to work for awhile in there and being able to be completely devoted to that has been a blessing in disguise.

And for me - me only! I want to emphasize that - I think it's been better for me to not be pregnant. The longer it's taken, the more my perspective has shifted. I am not consumed with it anymore, I don't have the tunnel vision I had a year ago. I've worked through a lot of grief and I think doing so means that for me, a new pregnancy will be a tiny bit less fear-filled and a fair amount less grief-filled. There is enough time that I can separate some things in my mind, you know? I don't think it will automatically make it easier or make me better at it or anything. Just that - I guess from here, I can see some benefits. I wouldn't have wished it this way, but I'm sort of grateful in the end. Does that make sense?

I will definitely be looking forward to trying again and am definitely hoping for a fall 2011 baby. . .

Merry - I hope for the best possible outcome for you, dear one.

Merry - thinking of you.

Eliza - I get it and it sounds like a really good place to be. I'll admit that after I got over my temper tantrum of not TTC in Sept (ha) I was really relieved about it. It was ok and I was excited to focus on other things. I'm glad I am pg right now but it's complicated too. It wouldn't have been the end of the world if I hadn't gotten pregnant, and for me, that's an accomplishment of it's own. All that to say, I'm proud of you and how you seem to be doing. Just really proud.

Thinking of you Natalie. I hope all becomes clearer at the next scan.

Oh Merry, *wibble* indeed. I hope that it all works out as you wish it to my dear.

Oh Merry, your head must be about to explode. I hope you get an answer soon.

Well I've done a digital test this am and it was negative but I ovulated late (too late I think really for this to be real) and it's day 28. FF doesn't think I should test till day 32. Temp was still up today. We'll see. I'm just going to accept whatever it is. Next month the doc will help with progesterone support I hope. Personally I'm not convinced my body can cope with supporting a pregnancy beyond conception on its own any more.

Hi ladies,
This has been another busy week for me. I keep wanting to post here and address each one of you, but I can't. I have been checking on you though and wishing you all the best.

I am on CD25 today. AF should come on Saturday. I want to be relaxed, but I keep having bad dreams of either miscarriage or AF coming when I was hoping so hard it wouldn't. I hate those dreams! I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Today I had one of those : (

Well, AF is here 3 days early. This was our first month trying so not surprised, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping it would work out the first time around.

Aaah... Angela :( I'm coming to the conclusion that early new pregnancies are rarer than having to try for a good while. I'm sorry this wasn't the month :(

Angela, I'm sorry you're out this month. I hope next cycle works out better for you.

Merry, I'm hoping hard for you - I hope you get an anwer very soon.

I'm on CD28 and no ovulation yet. I usually ovulate around CD23 and am frustrated my cycle is not returning to normal, even though I expected it wouldn't. All I really want is a chance to try and have a 2WW, so I can have a little hope. I keep thinking I'm supposed to be learning patience from this experience, but I'm just not a patient person. I waited 41 weeks and 4 days for my son and he died, and I just don't want to wait anymore. I'm so tired of waiting. But I guess that's all I can do.

Thinking of all of you and wishing you well. I wish this process was easier for everyone.

Well my temp dropped this am and if that is then end then it means my LP is down to 9 days again and I'm so annoyed with myself because I had a strop and stopped taking my vit B6 this month - so that is very likely a little life in there and I've let it go through my own pigheadedness.

I suppose the only good thing is then that means progesterone support should help.

heigh ho.

my temp dropped this morning six DPO. i think i ovulated a day or so later than FF thinks (based on nothing really) so.... just so. so i fucking hate this. i'm less ambivalent about this month than i was. i just want to be pregnant. again, still, whatever. but even if i'm not i need a LP that lasts longer than this. this cycle sucks. babyloss sucks. i am so pissed off with it all.

Stacey, Merry, Angela and B - It sucks. It shouldn't be so hard to get pregnant and end up with a living, healthy baby. I am thinking of you.

Me - I'm anxious. I don't think I'm pregnant, but I can't help nurturing some hope. I wish I could sleep through the night. : (

My week has turned crazy, sorry I haven't been responding to anything but I am thinking of you guys and I'm sorry this is so hard for everyone. I wish there was something I could do to get everyone's cycles back in order, and make all these pregnancies work. My OB told me "pregnancy is supposed to be fun" the other day, and I was like...you would think. Obviously, I'm getting a new OB.

We do have an appointment with MFM next week and then an appointment with a new OB (see, I wasn't kidding) in the middle of November, so I am glad that we seem to be moving forward.

Thinking of you all always xoxoxo

My elliptical arrived yesterday.

I named it 'Aunt Beast' - I only managed 20 minutes and haven't done anything yet tonight.

But the first steps, they are taken.

I'm still in bits. Two dropped temps but I'm only spotting and only lightly at that. Same as when I was pregnant with Freddie. Who went to term. Which is hardly auspicious. Part of me wants to let this one, f it is one, go, becasue the circumstances seem imperfect. And part of me is desperate for it to stay.

Oh well, it came. Whatever. Roll on another month.

i'm sorry merry :( it's even worse having been given that morsel of hope this month.

my temp was high again today.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2f5722

am i just wanting to see something there????

That's not a bad looking chart, B.

B - Looks promising!

My temp dropped today. I think I am out. AF should come tomorrow.

B - I'm not one of those 'wooooo your chart is awesome' kinda people for no reason, but that does look good. Are you able to step away from the thermometer for the rest of your cycle so you don't hyper focus on it? (I ask because I find post-O temps the ones that would make me the most crazy.)

I'm still here, still not bleeding (which is the only way I can think of the passage of each day). Saw my NP for bloodwork reqs, she's going to see if she can get a hold of Foster's autopsy to see if there was a determined cause of death and if we need to worry about it this time. I adore her for not making me track it down myself. (Note: we're waiting on the coroner's report which can take years in Ontario, but the autopsy was done the weekend after he was born so that report should be out there, somewhere.)

Things I never thought I'd deal with at the same time: pregnancy and autopsy reports. Ha.

Hope everyone else is doing ok - I'm sorry for those who are out this month. As we've all said - I wish all of this were easier.

Merry, I'm so sorry you're out.

Fingers crossed for B and anyone else in waiting/hoping mode! I'm thinking of everyone here, often.

As I said last week, I'm sitting out this cycle to avoid overlapping due dates. So far it's not too bad...I'm keeping busy and feeling pretty peaceful and happy. But also, my husband left on a work trip last night, and I just realized that his trip completely overlaps with when I expect to be ovulating. So thank goodness we're not trying this month! Otherwise the timing of his trip would be terrible and I'd be upset (and still not pregnant).

Oh, and this goes back a few days, but Paula, I for one am more than happy to hear about your pregnancy! And agree that this is exactly the place. Of course we're all different but reading about subsequent pregnancies and babies brings me so much hope and joy.

B I think that chart does look good, as well. My fingers and everything else I can cross is crossed for you. I agree with Sarah H. and the thermometer, if you are able.

I had my 12 wk appt and u/s the other day. Everything's good and we could actually see the little bebe moving around. It was reassuring. I'm also very glad I've chosen to go with the OB who did my c-section with Nevan rather than my midwife. He was absolutely amazing, very understanding, and will do a c-section this time at 38 weeks, both for my anxiety levels he said, and his. So only 26 weeks to go! yikes...........

Glad to hear that things are going well rachel.

I am in the 2WW now . I have decided that if I can't get knocked up I am going to get a memorial tattoo for Reid. I have a consult tomorrow and will book an appointment for after the 2WW (although it may have to be after the next cycle but that's the beauty of having regular cycles). If I get a BFN, then at least I have something to look forward to and if I get a BFP it will just have to wait a year.

Provera worked. Calling today CD1, yesterday was more like spotting. Feels more like playing it safe to not start Clomid to soon. So that happens tuesday.