Hello all,
I was so sure that I would be telling you all that I had joined the ranks of the anxiously expecting today, but instead it's CD1 all over again. I have been so miserable the last few weeks and I just kept thinking that if there was a BFP, I could find a way out of this mess. The 2 BLM's who got me through the first few months are now both pregnant and I can't bear to be around them or any "normal" people either.

I hope that someone else here is having a better day than me.

Oh, Cara-- I'm so sorry that you didn't get a positive this cycle. I know how hard it is to see people whose losses were near yours getting pregnant. And I know, too, how much it feels like getting pregnant will make things seem better-- every month it doesn't work feels like a loss all over again. I'm just so sorry. I will be hoping for better luck for you this month.

And congratulations to Natalie-- so happy for you that your TTC stint was short and sweet.

Beth and Keely, for what it's worth, I looked at my very first ultrasound with Hudson and saw that she was measuring 3 days behind-- I was definitely 7 weeks from LMP and she was measuring only 6w4d. You know, even when we're using OPKs, we still don't know exactly when we ovulate, and even if we know when we ovulate, we still don't know when the egg and sperm actually hooked up--both could have been hanging out for a few days before that happened. That combined with the fact that the measurements this early are so inexact means that measuring behind is probably totally normal. Hope that feels a little helpful.

I'm just waiting around for my first OB appointment (still not for a week and a half-- next Friday). I'm five weeks tomorrow and trying desperately to remember when I started having symptoms of any kind last go round, because I'm not having any yet. I keep trying to remind myself that we barely even knew I was pregnant by this time last go round, so I doubt I was already having symptoms. I wish my little Hudson was with me-- everyone says that second pregnancies go so much faster because you're so busy chasing your first around that you don't even have time to think about. How I wish I was chasing that little monkey around instead of slogging through this eternity of days hoping to see a heartbeat. I'm still grieving for her so intensely that it's hard to start getting excited for a second child. This is what I was worried about. I can only hope that it will change as time goes on.

Always thinking of you all. Everyone keep hanging in there.

Oh Cara, I'm so sorry you didn't get a positive. I was so hoping that you would. I hope next month is your month, and I know very intimately how you feel about having to start all over. I've had to do it twice now (not counting TTC) and it is maddening and frustrating and makes you want to scream (and thats in addition to just being so sad about it all). Hang in there.

Thank you Mandy, and everyone last week (sorry, I was out of town from Friday evening until today), for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you know. I agree with you Beth, I think if I do have to do this all over again I am not going to let them do any bloodwork, all these tests and their results are just too confusing and frustrating. And I know that ultrasounds measuring early can be normal. I really do think I just need to stop trying to second-guess my doctor, just take what she says at face value, all the while knowing that pregnancy and birth are mysterious and no one knows what will happen, and just go with it. Easier said than done though.

I have never had any symptoms at 5 weeks Mandy, except maybe sore boobs and that is really only off and on. I wouldn't worry about that. I know it is sooo hard waiting to see the doc. And not that it will make you feel better, but my pregnancies have all seemed just as long the second time around. I think I was maybe a bit more tired, but that's it. I so wish Hudson was with you too though, you don't know how much I wish that.

Thinking of everyone, hope you are all having a good start to the week. xoxoxo

You and I were posting at the same time, Eliza! I'm so sorry you are stressed at work and I hope this week brings you what you need. There is so much uncertainty and fear in pregnancy to begin with and to throw job stressors is thers is so tough. Hang in there, I am thinking of you.

I haven't posted in a while but have been following along, rooting for all of you.

Cara, sorry for CD1. I know how hard it is and how friends can even become triggers. I hope this next cycle passes by quickly and brings you a BFP.

Mandy, always cheering for you. It's okay if your longing for Hudson overshadows excitement over this new little one. I'm sure that excitement will come in time. Give yourself permission to feel however you need to feel for the time being.

eliza, I'm so sorry for all the stresses you are facing. I hope that relief comes and that you'll be able to get the support you need from work to make it through a next pregnancy.

Sending good thoughts and well wishes to all those in the early stages of pregnancy.

I'm on CD12. My last cycle (which was induced with Provera and was my first cycle since my son was stillborn at 41 weeks in June) lasted only 14 days and was anovulatory. I was wondering if anyone else had weird postpartum or Provera-induced cycles and what your experiences were. I'm hoping my last cycle was just an anomaly and that this one will be more like my normal cycles or at least ovulatory.

Hey girls, just wanted to let you know that not ten minutes after I posted everything above, I started bleeding. I'm cramping a lot too so I'm sure this is the end. I'm actually surprisingly okay about it, I think ever since I got those wierd HCG numbers back I have just been pretty pessimistic about this one. I'm not sure why this is happening to us, although I suspect it's mostly just bad luck and not really anything that any doctor is going to be able to tell me. All of my losses have been so different from each other that there's really not a pattern there. Anyway, just wanted you guys to know, thank you so much for all the positive thoughts and prayers. I know you might think I am in denial but really, I feel okay. Maybe we are just not meant to have a second child. That is something that I think I am really going to have to think about and pray over in the coming months. How much longer do I want to keep doing this to myself and my family? We have so much to be happy about and I just feel like the last year has been sad, sad, sad and it's not fair to my son and husband for me to always be a sobbing mess. That being said, I dissolve into a sobbing mess thinking about my son never having a brother or sister, so....I don't know. It's something that we are going to have to figure out, that's for sure. Thinking of you guys, thank you so much for everything xoxoxo

Keely, I am so, so sorry.

Oh Keely :( Much love.

Much love to everyone; what a wonderful but rotten club this is to belong to :( It's not fair, just not fair at all.

Keely, I am so sad to read this. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope that it is not the end. I had a lot of bleeding and cramping during early pregnancy with the girls and, although their pregnancy did not end entirely happily, they were both fine at the 12 week ultrasound and their early birth wasn't related to the bleeds as far as I know.

Cara, I'm so sorry. I just want to give you a big hug. I know how hard it is to keep trying and trying. Because I had a surviving twin, I didn't start trying until she was nearly one and now she's two and we've been trying all that time. So many people who lost a child the same time as G died, or even a year later, have had subsequent children. It is hard not to feel as though you are being left behind but I hope it is just a matter of time for you. Hang on in there.

Mandy, I hope the days pass quickly for you. I don't think that I had any strong symptoms at five weeks (somewhere back in the mists of time that was 2008) and I was expecting twins. Fingers crossed for you.

Eliza I'm sorry that work is so stressful. I hope that everything is clearer after this week.

Stacey I'm afraid I can't help but I hope someone else can. Hoping that strange cycle was just a fluke and that things settle down soon.

Oh, Keely - I'm so sorry you are going through this. Many women do experience cramping and bleeding during otherwise healthy pregnancies. I hope that's the case, but regardless my heart goes out to you and I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Take care.

Keely - I'm sending you good vibes - I hope you're ok regardless of what's going on. hugs hugs hugs.

Eliza - Sometimes I yell at K's belly to smarten up when he's in pain. If you were near I'd do the same to yours. Maybe it would listen?

Cara - I'm so sorry you're on CD1 again. I get your frustration.

Mandy - I know I didn't have symptoms with Foster until abut 6 weeks or so. Let's hope they hit with full force next week.

Stacey - I hope your cycles sort themselves out soon. I have weird cycles post-birth too.


AFM. Fuck. I have no idea how to say this, but I decided to poas this morning. I'm something like 10 or 11 DPO (see! I don't even know) and there are 2 lines. One line is very very faint, but there with colour. So, yeah. My period is due sometime between tomorrow and Saturday. I'm going away for a girls weekend and I'll need to figure out if I can drink so I'm going to try to not poas again until Friday morning if my period hasn't shown up by then. I'm trying really hard not to get excited - but hope is flickering. And would it be ironic if we got pregnant on a month we dtd 3 days before O and decided not to try?

In non-TTC news, I've spent the last 5 days fixing up my barn for chickens and it's been an excellent distraction. Apparently distraction is key.

Sending love.

Keely, I am so sorry that you managed to have a much more awful day than me.

Thank you so much everyone. Your words mean more to me than anyone else's could, cause I know you have all be there. I was up pretty much all night, but I feel like I really sorted through some things with myself and so I am feeling pretty good this morning.

Mostly, I really feel like I am ready for a break, and that is new for me because usually I am super anxious to just get pregnant again. But after all this.....I am just ready to stop for a while. Hopefully not a loooong while, but a while. I need a break from this roller coaster.

I feel like I haven't really enjoyed life the past year, and while obviously that's understandable given everything that has happened, I'm tired of it. I WANT to enjoy life. There are so many things in my life that are wonderful and to constantly be focusing on this one area that isn't is so exhausting.

And I think being pregnant again has just made me realize that it's not going to undo all the hurting from the past. Like Mandy always says, joy mixed with pain is better than just pain, but for me I think I really thought if I could just have another baby, things would go back to the way they were. And they won't. And that's okay, it's good even, it's part of growing and living life and there is a terrible beauty in that.

So, anyway, don't really know what I am trying to say except that I love you guys, I'm so sorry for everything we have all been through, and I hope we can all find some peace with our respective situations. Even though I don't anticipate TTCing again for a while, I am sticking around to see how things go for everyone, and am wishing you all nothing but the best. xoxoxo

Dear Cara,

Clinging to the hope that all this takes a while to heal, inside body as well as inside head - and you and I will soon join the ranks of the positives. We've waited long enough but it does seem like 5-6 months is quite - i don't know - typical? - from the stories and people here.

Big hugs.

I'm so lonely in my body too :(

Keely, I've been thinking of you all day. You sound very strong and sure, but damn, I wish you didn't have to be.

Cara and Merry, and everyone else having a rough time, I hope it gets better, and soon.

Mandy, I'm sorry for the anxiety of waiting for that first appointment. You have plenty of time to get excited about this baby, so let yourself be thick with grief for Hudson right now if you need to.

I don't actually know when I ovulate, but I guess I could be 7 DPO or so? At the most. I don't think our timing was very good, but I'll test next week if I don't get my period. It's hard not to feel hopeful no matter how long of a longshot we have. And if I do get my period next week...it's due on the same day that my last pregnancy began. I'm at peace with the idea of a subsequent baby coming in the same season as my loss....but to have the same exact due date? That feels like too much. So if this month is not our month, I think we'll have to use condoms next month. Which will suck. But, as I like to say to my husband about various random and inappropriate things, it definitely won't be the worst thing that's happened to me this year. So at least there's that.

Keely - I am so sorry to hear your news. This is so heartbreaking, specially for a babyloss mom. I am glad though with the way you are taking all this. You will have another baby, but it is important to be happy now. First trimester losses are very common and they don't mean much in terms of future risks. You got pregnant very quickly. It will sure happen again soon. Hugs

Sarah H - I wanted to say "YAY!", but I won't yet. I will wait to see your Friday post. My fingers are crossed for you.

All the TTC girls - Hang in there. It is frustrating, tiring, sad, but we have to keep hopeful. Big hugs to you all.

Me - CD10 here. Anxiously preparing myself for the RE visit on Thursday.

I am on the crazy train.

So, like I posted above, I started bleeding and cramping Monday evening. I figured that was that. I called my doc Tuesday, of course everyone was out of the office except the nurse practitioner, but she said that she would do an ultrasound on me and just see what we saw. That was Tuesday afternoon, and I was in complete shock because there was still a heartbeat there. So this morning I go in for measurements (the NP didn't know how to do all that, so it couldn't be done Tuesday) and the baby is growing great, acutally picked up a day (so I am only 4 days behind now) but the heartrate went DOWN from 118 to 111. I know that's not a huge jump, but WTF? Isn't the heartrate supposed to always be going up?

So....I don't know what is going on. They are going to start me on some progesterone (the bleeding is coming from a subchorionic hemorrhage next to my uterus???) and I go back in a week to see what's happening then.

I know I should be happy that there is still hope, but it's just so hard. How many things can be statistically "abnormal" with this pregnancy and have it still work out? And if it's destined to fail, why does it have to drag on and on? I know there are no answers to these questions, life and the way it's created is mostly a mystery, but GEEZ.

I guess if it was easy it wouldn't be fun, right? Cue hysterical sarcastic laughter.

Oh Keely.

Lots of positive thoughts. Lots of pregnancies DO go on just fine after rocky starts. Praying yours is one of them.

Keely. When I read "Cue hysterical sarcastic laughter. " I thought about doing it myself.

I have heard lots and lots of stories and met many babies who have started out as sporadic bleeds at the beginning of a pregnancy. (In fact an online friend in my city bled from 6 to 20 weeks with her now 15mo daughter.) So, there are good stories out there.

I guess if I were in your shoes I would hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That way I could handle the trip while on it.

I'm sending you heaps and heaps of hopeful positive sticky vibes. Thinking of you.

Keely, I'm so sorry you're on such a rollercoaster. Like Sarah H, I know of many women who bled during pregnancy and then went on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies. I'm still holding out a lot of hope that this is the case for you. I hope your next appointment brings you a lot of reassurance and that you go on to have a very calm, uneventful pregnancy. Thinking good thoughts for you tonight.

I'm holding on to the hope, Keely. Hope it's a good night over there.

I have just clicked through so many threads with the intention of posting, but I can't. I don't know why. I want to but I can't. I can barely make myself post here.

In two days' time it's ten months since we lost our little snowflake.

I am still not pregnant. I have no faith that I will ever be pregnant.

I am due to ovulate soon... maybe in the next day or so, maybe in the next week or so.

Work referred me to occupational health, and occ health think i'm not fit to be in work. they have suggested that 4 weeks off sick might help me process better and stop being so up and down. i have no idea if this is true at all. i've been off since tuesday. i can't get an appointment to see my doctor til a week today. i could go see another one but i don't really want to.

i really want to cry, but i can't. i can get slightly teary but i seem unable to properly cry. which is frustrating.

i'm not pregnant. why am i not pregnant? why is it not happening? am i really fated never to have a living child? why can someone not just tell me? if i knew i could deal with it. or at least start to. it's the not knowing that's killing me. i just want to know.

i'm a little bit closer to crying now. maybe i'll go jam my fingers in the door frame or something, see if that helps get me the rest of the way :(

i sound ridiculous i know. i feel like there's a huge dam of shit caught somewhere down my throat and i just want to punch through so it can start to go away.

keeley i hope everything turns out to be really ok.

sarah h i hope you get a more definite yes tomorrow.

everyone else i am thinking of you even when i don't comment, i promise.

Aaaaaah B - I wish you lived closer - you just sound like you need nurturing and comfort. I think taking some time and seeing a Dr sounds like a good idea. I wish there was something I could do to help. It's so unfair.

i just went and stood out in a rainstorm for five minutes. i'm soaked and cold but i feel slightly better for it.
sorry for the rant :(

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through B. I wish you lived close to me too, I would give you a big hug and maybe we could cry together about the unfairness of this bullshit world. The not-knowing is the killer, that's for sure. And it drives me completely up the wall when people say "well, NOTHING in life is ever certain". I want to scream, YOU THINK I DON"T KNOW THAT?????

But I don't believe that you are fated to never have a living child. I just CAN'T believe that. And I think that is the beauty of this community, that we have someone to believe in us and for us when we can't bear to do it ourselves.

Hang in there. I hope the doctors are able to give you some answers. xoxoxo

Oh B. I'm so sorry and you don't have to apologise. The not-knowing is truly awful, it's so tough.
I'm with Keely, I have so much hope for you. I truly hope that it is just a matter of time although I know that waiting this long is impossibly hard. And that's an understatement. I hope the time off work helps. It's raining here too.

Keely, I also have a lot of hope for you. I'm sorry that you are on this crazy train, it doesn't seem fair. It should be straight forward after all you've been through. But as you say if it were easy, it wouldn't be fun. I'll join in a bout of hysterical, sarcastic laughter on that on.

Sarah, hoping that tomorrow's test is good and Francisca, hope your visit to the RE today went well.

Heigh ho.

CD16 here, no ov. yet, not even as many good signs as last month that it might turn up on CD17. So I have no idea what to expect or think. I think I'm gradually chilling out about it; I keep forgetting to take my temp. I could even have missed a really early ov, though I think not.

I feel so lonely in my grief - I so envy the people who have heartbroken husbands too. Mine is just over it, past the point of feeling sad. I sobbed the other night and he said "it's not like we're in a terrible position, is it?"

I know what he means - we've got 4 beautiful girls and spoiling the future because of one little boy we don't have is pointless... but omg, my son is dead and I feel like the only one who is grieving.

Merry, my husband is over it too. I feel like we have barely talked about it and he feels like it is all talked out, and even gets angry if I bring it up. I know that's just his way of dealing with it, but you're right....it's lonely. Thinking of you xo

My husband seemed to be completely over it for a while, but I think it's just a different way of grieving. He completely broke down this week over the memory of holding his son. I am sorry you guys feel so alone. I wish we all had a better language for sharing this grief with our partners, because I truly believe that in most cases it is not that they don't feel the grief, they just feel and express it differently.

Keely, I am not ready to give up hope for you. I am so sorry you are in limbo. Limbo can bite me.

B. and Merry and others still in the TTC grind, damn, I just want this to be easy for all of you.

I have not updated since my second ultrasound. Not much to say except I guess everything is fine for now. I have another appointment next Wednesday, my first regular OB appointment, but I don't think it will include an ultrasound. After that I hopefully get referred out to the perinatologist who talked us through our preconception appointment.

I am fortunate. K grieves differently than I do but we still both have tearful bouts. He misses Foster just as much as I do.

So. I'm pregnant. (holy fuck). And I meant it 2 weeks when I posted about not trying this month which brings another layer of complexity and cliche to the whole thing. I feel like many of those who have gone before me - guilt (why me and not everyone else who is trying?), fear, excitement. Hope and caution. Disbelief. Nausea.

Anyway, since I don't have a job yet, I'm trying to keep mum about the whole thing. I won't be posting much about it until I secure employment (so close on that account too). I will still be stalking everyone else though.

Sending love to everyone. I wish we all had an easier path to travel.

Congratulations, Sarah! It's wonderful news.

I just wanted to do a quick update on me. My chart was a mess this cycle and I can't even definitively say I've ovulated. I'm on my second or third bout of spotting and at a point where I'm testing randomly to see what they say. I don't really care right now, but it'd be nice to have some idea of if/when a new cycle will start so we can be more serious about it.

The work situation has stabilized for the time being and it's about the best I could have hoped for. It's going to be a lot of work, but it really gives me the chance to expand my knowledge and demonstrate my value. We're undergoing a long-term centralization process and I'm in the pilot program for it. As I understand the outline of the final structure, I may have the opportunity to apply for a better position when this all occurs, provided I handle my current (new) situation well. So things are more stable and clarified and I can wean my hours down so I'm not working 50+ hours a week regularly, and I feel a lot better about our situation in regards to ttc. I think we'll passively try during the fall, while we're working on paying off debt and other things (so it if happens, awesome, if not, well. Ok.) and then start really focusing on it again in November/December.

For the first time in probably 3-4 months (maybe more? I guess a lot of the uncertainty at work stems back to the spring), I feel relaxed about work and the possible futures here. Wouldn't it be great if that translated to, say, a viable pregnancy?

Congratulations, Sarah!

Eliza, I am so glad that work is stabilizing, and I hope it does translate to good things for you, in all areas of your life.

merry, it took my husband nine and a half months to even begin to let on to me that he's not as ok about the whole thing as i assumed. it's funny, we found out the baby had died on the wednesday, i went into hospital as a day-patient on sunday, released sunday evening, and he was going to go back to work on monday until i told him i needed someone to be with me monday. he was ok when we got back from the hospital. less than a week after finding out.

except he wasn't, really. i think maybe even he didn't realise that straight away. and he said stuff along the lines of 'things could be worse!!!' too.

maybe your husband still hasn't realised how it's affected him yet.

sarah, congrats and good luck and sticky vibes.

glad work is improving eliza.

i went to the crem today and sat in the snowdrop garden. noone told me i could put a plaque there or leave items. i wish i could have stayed longer. i wish i could have stayed the whole damned day.

i cried a bit but still not as much as i need. i just want to have a proper cry! why can't i?

Congratulaions Sarah!!! I was so hoping it would be positive today!!!! Good luck, I hope that is a very sticky bean and everything goes smoothly for you. You deserve it.

Eliza, I'm glad that things seem to be stabilizing. I hope so much that it translates to good things too. xoxoxo

Thanks all. He is very different and we fell out terribly, nearly irrevocably, over this once. I have to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know he cares but he's very linear - I'm just not. I keep having to revisit day 1 again whereas he is just moved past it.

Congratulations Sarah - very happy for you :)

Grief is a lonely thing, and it's no wonder it can be so divisive for couples. It's a tragedy that happens to both people, but in different ways. And the ways of coping can be alienating. I think we all know the stark stats on divorce after the death of a child (and don't we love stats?). It's so understandable.

For us - there was not an enormous divide and my husband was very, very supportive of me and my needs. But I was not terribly of his. In part, because he kept them really hidden. He felt he needed to be strong for me, and that meant bottling some it up. I knew he missed Gabe and was sad, but he didn't talk often about it.

Thus it was a great surprise when he burst out in a fit of anger in early December (always, always a rocky time for him) and shouted that he was fucking angry because his son was dead when he should have been alive and he (my husband) should have been a father. Not at me - just in general fury. It was the first glimpse I really got of how hurt and angry he was by everything, months after. It's really only since early summer that he's been willing to more openly talk about his feelings surrounding Gabe, or consider wearing any memorial jewelry or anything (he only takes his necklace off for showering). I think it's been good for both of us, but it took awhile to get there and for him to reach a place where he felt he could open up and felt I was strong enough to hear it.

Eliza—So glad work is going better for you. I hope it stays that way and that the less stressful situation clears the way for a healthy pregnancy.

Stacey—As always, I’m so hopeful for you. Hopefully your body just needs a cycle or two to get itself straightened out and then you’ll be on your way to a healthy pregnancy.

Sarah—So very happy for you. You always hear that when you “stop trying,” things often just seem to fall into place. I totally understand the mixed feelings of all kinds right now. I think all of us here understand. And I think we all just have to hope that while those feelings will probably always be mixed, there will be more excitement and joy than trepidation and grief.

M—I can really relate to your fear about the next cycle. We decided to go ahead and try this past cycle, even though it would mean a due date very near the anniversary of Hudson's death, and wouldn't you know that we got pregnant. My due date is May 24, 11 days after the one-year anniversary. Even if this baby is not born on the same day, I can't even begin to imagine how I will celebrate this child's birthday within a week or so of honoring Hudson's memory-- for the rest of my life, it will be that way. I hope next week brings you good news so you don’t have to think about it.

Francisca—Hope your RE visit brought you some much-needed clarity, and dare I say, hope? Thinking about always and hoping for the best.

Oh, B—I can just feel your grief and frustration right now. This is just so very unfair for any woman who has already lost a child to endure. And I can totally understand the feeling of needing to cry—some days, I just feel like someone is stepping on my chest, and it just gets heavier and heavier, and if I don’t cry to release it, it’s really like a physical pain. I hope you can find that relief soon. And I still have so much hope for you that a child is still in your future.

Merry, and everyone else struggling with this, I think Beth is right that men just do this so differently than we do. I’ve had a similar experience to Eliza. My husband has been incredibly supportive, and I try to support him, but don’t really know how, because he doesn’t share much about it. I know he is not over it, even when he doesn’t seem as “under it” as I am. I still cry every day, multiple times a day. I haven’t seen him cry in probably three months. It’s hard for him when he feels like the grief “is the biggest thing in the room” but I don’t really have any way to control when it overwhelms me and when it doesn’t. The best thing I can say is to try to find a friend who you can also share your feelings with. Glow is great, but having someone in person is really helpful, too. Also, our grief counselor gave us this great article yesterday called “Couple Communication After a Baby Dies”—I tried to find a link to it for you all, but it looks like it is a print-only journal. The author does have a book by the same name that you can find here in case it would be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Couple-Communication-After-Baby-Dies/dp/1883525039

Beth—I’m so glad to hear that everything is going well. I hope you get all the care and support that you need from the docs and everywhere else. Still so very happy for you.

I’m still waiting for OB next Friday. The days are interminable. I miss my sweet Hudson so much—sometimes there is just nothing else to say.

34 weeks, taking things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Looked at but still have not purchased anything, still just too damned scared. I received a gift from someone for the baby and it made me so uncomfortable I made DH put it away. Had an OB appointment yesterday and baby is breech. OB said he will do another u/s and if baby remains breech it will of course be a c-section. A c-section does not bother me at all, I just just want a live healthy baby, any way she has to get out.

eliza - I am glad things are stabilizing at work. Maybe your cycle behaves better now that work isn't causing so much stress. Good luck.

B - I totally understand your frustration and anger. I feel it too. It has been damn hard to keep myself together. Sometimes I feel I can't handle it. I feel like grief is taking over me. It is just too sad to think you will never have a living child. Luckily I can cry. And I often do so. The other thing that helps me is to rationalize. If I can't get pregnant by myself, then I will do an IVF and if the IVF doesn't work I will adopt. I have even started looking into adoption requirements. Don't think it is easy for me to think about adoption. It is not at all and it makes me cry just to think about it, but I need a solution to my grief. I need to keep functioning and optimistic.

Sarah and Beth - I am hoping the best for your pregnancies. I know it will be scary, but think about the reward.

Paula - 34 weeks! You are almost there. I hope these last weeks go by fast and you bring a healthy, crying baby home.

Me - The RE visit went well. He was very nice and I felt very relaxed. He made many questions and did a u/s check out my uterus (should I say uteri?) and my ovaries. He also thinks I can only get pregnant when I ovulate on the right ovary. This means I have half of the chance to get pregnant each cycle. On the other hand, he said my endometrium looks good and responsive to ovulation (I was on CD 12) as well as my right ovary. So he was hopeful. He told me the hormones could be better, but are not too bad either. He said these measurements of CD3 are most important to know how the ovaries would respond to stimulation, which he is hopeful I won't need. He was not concerned with my mid cycle bleeding/spotting. He said to try hard (meaning with good timing) for another 5 months and then go back for other tests. I liked him because he didn't tell me to stop temping or "just have random sex and relax" as my GYN had said.

I feel better. I was afraid of worse news, so now I want to relax a bit and do as he said. I am tired of worrying, going to different doctors, and trying to figure out what is wrong with my body. But I am glad I did all I could to make sure my uterus and my hormones are fine. Unfortunately next moth my husband will be away, so no TTC. On the other side, I am glad to have a one-month break of my obsession to think about and do other things.

And talking about lonely grief... my husband NEVER cried. Actually, he did cry once, about 3 months past our loss, triggered by a movie. That was it. Soon after my son's death, I was mad at him because he was not grieving as I was (I couldn't stop crying for hours). When confronted, he told me he rarely cries and that is how he is. But I have to say he was very, extremely supportive. He held me while I cried and he always listened to me with great patience. I know he felt the loss in his own way and that he misses his son. He composed a song for him and put together a slide show to send to family and friends in the one year anniversary. But still, I feel lonely in my grief. I wished he cried with me and sometimes I feel estranged. : (

Thank you for the book suggestion.

CD18. haven't ovulated. Signs all very confused. Wondering if the vitamins I'm taking are hindering not helping.

Desperately confused about my grief right now. Really struggling terribly. Just can't stop crying. It's nearly 6 months since Freddie was born. I just wanted a baby.