I'm not even TTC (still on the fence), but I thought you ladies needed a new thread for the week!!

As always, I am hoping for the best for all of you, whether you are trying or already pregnant.

Well let me start us off. I am 2days late and I have been peeing on a stick, LOL, every morning for 4days and it still says not pregnant.
My husband has hid all the rest of the pregnancy test, so I will give it a rest for a few days. Hopeing I am pregnant and it is not just my cycle changing again. After having my IUD out it has been a bit irregular, I guess.
Hope others have some good news this week.

Steph-- Thanks so much for starting the post and for your good wishes.

Natalie-- I'm really hoping that your cycle's not off and that those sticks will turn positive sometime in the next few days.

As for me, I am pregnant. 4 weeks today-- sticks started turning positive on Thursday night and have gotten progressively darker since (!). And like most of the mamas who have announced this here, I am both ecstatic and terrified. Even though I did not suffer a pregnancy loss (I was fortunate enough to have a beautifully uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery with Hudson and to raise that incredible child for 17 months and 12 days), and even though I know the odds of serious pregnancy complications are slim, I've already been struck by lightning once, so I don't put a whole lot of stock in odds. I've been wondering ever since we started TTC 3 months ago whether the baby will experience more stress if I cry all the time or more stress if I try not to cry all the time. I am so very grateful to be pregnant, but also so very, very sad that it is not a time of unadulterated joy for this new baby, who deserves to be welcomed with unadulterated joy. But bittersweet is the best we'll all get, it seems. I'm just trying to remember what my best friend told me when she said she hoped we'd get pregnant soon (and I've shared this with others here at glow)-- she said she wanted us to experience joy again and even though it will be joy mixed with pain, that has to be better than just pain.

My emotions are just all over the place. I still cry for Hudson every day, usually multiple times a day. I am crying right now as I write this. Even though I am so grateful to have a new baby to think about, to at least have something additional to focus on (not something ELSE, just something additional), it is still so hard not to feel like this is somehow taking a step away from Hudson. I miss her so terribly and am so sad that she's going to miss out on having this little brother or sister and that this new baby will miss out on such an awesome big sister.

And I'm starting a new job tomorrow. Did I mention that I'm feeling a little insane?

I know some of you read the blog-- obviously, we're keeping this news under wraps for a little bit. I haven't decided how long-- after what we've been through, I can't imagine going through a miscarriage without the support we've had since Hudson died, which makes me think we should start telling people sooner rather than later. Maybe wait to see a heartbeat? I have no idea.

Thinking of everyone and am grateful for you.

Well, not so good new here today. Doctor called about the bloodwork that I had done last week, and although the levels looked appropriate, they didn't double like they should have
(went from 3300 to only 4500 in 48 hours). So....I'm having some more bloodwork on Thursday and an ultrasound on Friday. What's funny is that I wasn't having very many symptoms and now all of the sudden the last two days my boobs are sooo sensitive. I just don't get it. I'm trying really hard to stay hopeful but I just feel really defeated right now. I am so fucking tired of this being so hard.

Thanks for posting the new thread Steph :)

Natalie, I hope those sticks turn positive for you!

Mandy, I've told you already but I am so excited for you guys and wish you a safe and smooth pregnancy. Youguys deserve that so much. xoxoxo

Thinking of everyone here xo

CD10. No hope that this month will be any different. It really feels like every other woman in the world will have babies and D and I will be the only couple left without. I know it's unlikely but it's hard to believe that.

I will write and post the letter of complaint to the fertility people tomorrow. You never know, maybe they will offer further testing quicker.

My sister got married at the weekend. She is so happy and it's made me realise she's never coming back to this country to live. I'm devastated. I guess I always thought she'd come back sooner or later. It's very hard to realise that if I have kids she won't be on hand to be their aunt. And vice versa. And if we both do that they won't know their cousins like they should.

I want her to be happy, but I didn't realise how much I was missing her until this weekend, until I realised we'll never live close to each other again.

I know that's not exactly related to TTC, but it is in my head.

Congrats, Mandy!! That is fantastic. Natalie, I hope this your month. And, Keely, I have my fingers crossed for you.

B, I am sorry you are having such a tough time. You are in my thoughts.

Mandy - These are awesome news! I hope everything goes smooth.
Natalie - This seems promising. Good luck.
Keely - Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.
B - You won't be the only one. Things are pretty dark for me and my husband too. I can imagine how you feel living far from your sister. I left my country 9 years ago and miss my family a lot, specially the little ones.

Today I had a melt down. I did some more research on my hormone levels and I can't find anything positive that could bring me hope. I want to keep hopeful and calm, but it is really hard. I still have to wait another 8 days to talk to the RE. I started thinking about adoption and talked to my husband. This whole thing is very tiring and sometimes I feel too weak to cope with infertility after loss. My new mantra is: "be strong".

Congrats, Mandy! Very exciting!

The only news over here is that we are now officially trying. I'm grateful. And hopeful. Last cycle there wasn't much of a chance (I ovulate early and we didn't start trying until near the end of my cycle). I'm now on CD 7, and I suspect I'll ovulate sometime soon. I don't use OPKs or anything like that, so we'll just try and see whether anything happens....

B - Hope this is your month or you can get the testing underway quicker. Hugs about missing your sister.

Keely - I hope the numbers start increasing soon and I'm so sorry you're in limbo now. You're right - it shouldn't be this hard. Crossing my fingers for you.

Mandy - Hoping for an uneventful 8 months to go. I cried all the time through the first 3 months of my pregnancy and probably daily for the next 3 months. I've just been ignoring people who say stress will hurt the baby. And I relate to the feeling that the pregnancy is taking you away from Hudson. I still remember taking the test for this pregnancy - I was happy for about 2 minutes and then just cried and cried (and I'm crying just remembering it) because it meant something new in my life that wasn't Matilda. And part of the reason I didn't want people knowing we were pregnant again is because I thought they'd forget about Matilda. We didn't tell people for ages (some of my friends still don't know) because I couldn't deal with the idea of people asking how the pregnancy is going all the time. Everyone is different though.

Natalie - Crossing my fingers for you.

Steph - All the best with making a decision about TTC. And thanks for the new thread :-)

Me - Had a scan on Monday (36 weeks) and despite my sugar levels being under control with Metformin, my baby has become a buddha baby in the last month. He's gone from the 40th percentile to the 95th. My c-section is booked for 39+1 currently but I'm not sure if this is a reason to bring it forwards. Am staying away from google and the risks for big babies but can't help worrying (like I ever stopped). Other than that, he looks happy in there and we got some very cute 4D pictures of his chubby cheeks.

Had a freakout on Friday night about movements so we went for our first trip to the hospital for monitoring. He woke up on the way there but I was so anxious by that point we went for the monitoring. It was the first CTG I've had since having them with Matilda so my mind kept wandering back. The trace was very different to what her 'normal' traces used to be though and I can see now why the midwives were always worrying about Matilda.

Seeing my ob tomorrow and endo on Friday. Generally just lying low, reading books, waiting for time to pass, and hoping hoping hoping that soon we'll have a baby we can bring home from the hospital.

Hi and hugs to everyone else.

Maddie x

Francisa - Hope the RE can give you some hope.

M - Hope the TTC journey is a short one for you.

Maddie x

Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate the good wishes.

Keely-- Fingers crossed that you get good news later this week.

B-- So sorry this is such a hard time for you. I can only imagine how your realization about your sister just feels like piling on right now.

Francisca-- I hope that talking to the doctor gives you better news than the internet does. Keely and I were just sharing that Dr. Google can be both our best and our worst friend during these times of uncertainty. And as I've said to lots of mamas here, when you think you can't handle it, just remember you already are.

M-- Hoping your TTC journey is short and easy.

Maddie-- You are so close and we are all so hopeful for you-- good girl for staying AWAY from Dr. Google. We are all looking forward to the day that you bring home that precious new baby. Thank you so much for the encouragement about this pregnancy and helping me feel "normal"-- it's so damn near impossible to ever feel normal anymore.

Thinking of everybody always.

B - I'm so sorry things are hitting you even harder now.

Keely - I'm hoping your numbers start to rise, and the uncertain feelings are calmed.

Mandy - Its hard and the fear does get the best of you sometimes. I wish you a healthy and uneventful 9 months.

Natalie - Hoping for a positive for you.

Steph - Peace to you while you make your decision on ttc.

Francisca - I hope that your RE will have some encouraging news for you. Like others have said Dr. Google can be our worst enemy and overload and confuse us with so much information negative and positive.

As for me - I will be 33 weeks tomorrow. Still holding on and have stressful times and worry. At least I am back at work and it is a distraction during the day. I will take maternity leave the first week in October. My OB says he will not have me go to my due date so I'll probably deliver the last week in October. Wish I could fast forward things some days, yet apprehensive about the outcome at the same time.

Paula - I'm also desperate to get there but another part of me is scared of something being wrong at delivery. Hang in there. xx

I'm pretty much terrible.

All sorts of terrible happened at once - we had a weekend away and I realised again that there is no hope of being able to have a weekend away from what I need to escape from. If anything it gets worse.

2 friends hurt me so badly that I don't think I can ever look at them again. I seem to have zero recovery from people being thoughtless.

I've struggled again with a close relative who can't see beyond her own issues which (frankly) seem pretty small compared to never getting to watch my son grow up. I have no ability to cope with people who don't get up and keep going with a fixed grin on their face.

My children are testing me to the limit, playing out games of birth and death, and SCBU.

And here I am, back on Day 7 of another ttc cycle. Whoopee do.

Merry - I am so very sorry that you've been hurt and let down by people so close to you. The children playing SCBU just breaks my heart.

Paula - I can only imagine that tension between wishing time away and wanting it to stand still. Hang on in there.

Mandy - I am so happy for you and I wish you a peaceful pregnancy. Although I was never lucky enough to meet your Hudson I couldn't agree more that your little one will miss out on a totally awesome big sister. I wish it was different. Good luck in your new job.

Maddie - Glad your little one is doing well, the scan sounds lovely. Hope you manage to stay away from Dr. Google. It is so tempting but leads to nothing but anxiety in my experience! Hoping for you.

Fingers crossed for you both, Natalie and Keely.

Hugs Francisca and B. I'm so sorry. It's hard. Francisca, I hope that the RE can explain a little more about what is going on. B, it must be so difficult. My sister is only an hours drive away and I still wish she lived closer.

Best of luck M. Hope your stay in ttc is short and sweet.

Thank you for starting the thread Steph!

I've been MIA. So much going on. :-)

Mandy - congrats! I really am excited for you.

Keely - I hope everything remains ok.

Paula & Maddie - thinking of you both.

Francesca, B and Merry - giant hugs.

I'm on CD something or other. I think CD22. Timing was lousy this month (see last week's fight / decision not to TTC at O time) but that doesn't stop me from hoping and not caring at the same time. Anyway, I'm just waiting through this month, and as long as I get my period sometime late next week, I'll be happy because it'll mean my LP is back around 13 - 14 days.

In the meantime I'm working on job hunting, and socializing and planning the garden for next year. I need to start looking forward and not planning for a baby. If one happens and lives, I'll change my plans then.

Ugh. And as if I need more stress, we've had an encampment of travelling folk move into the field at the end of our street last night. And while I have no problem with them so far as it goes, we've had one small estate in our town (like ours) burnt out by them before and this has been my big paranoia since we moved here.

I've got to go out and I'm sick with anxiety someone will come and do something dreadful to my memory boxes.

I feel like I am falling into a dark hole lately. I feel very hopeless, down on myself, and like a failure. I've been having terrible dreams, which I wrote about in more detail on my blog, but it's disturbing stuff about the terrible things my subconscious can shove at me about dead babies.

I spent most of yesterday crying at the drop of a hat. So it's just a little harder than normal right now.

I'm just tired. Not physically.

I am just trying to straggle my way to my next OB appointment on the 28th. Suck down some Provera and some Clomid and just hope it works. Even though I am terrified of twins, I guess running the 10% chance of that is better than the big fat nothing I have now.

Melissa and Merry I am so sad to hear you are not doing well this week. It is a long hard journey for baby loss momma and to think we also need to be plagued with difficulties conceiving is the ultimate of unfair. Merry I get it . I watch a movie with my Mom last week, Leap Year, one of the characters asked what would you take from your house if it was on fire. I knew my answer right away was Ella's box. That very small box that holds all things her. After her death When I left the house overnight I would take her box with me 'just in case' something happened. I hope they leave quickly and quietly.

I have peed on another stick this am, still not pregnant, but still no period. It is CD 25, My last few cycles were 19days. So I will just wait a few more days.

Merry and Melissa - Huge hugs and I hope things get easier soon.

Me - Saw my ob today we talked about whether my c-section needs bought forward after my scan showing how big he is. She's more inclined to think he's a big baby rather than him being big because of the GD due to him being big all over. But there's no way to know for sure and if he is big because of something to do with the diabetes then there's additional risks so of course now I am freaking out something is going to go wrong before the c-section at 39 weeks. I'm seeing my endo tomorrow so we're waiting to see what she says. My ob is away the week I'm 38 weeks so bringing the delivery forward would make it 37 1/2 weeks which she says could mean issues with the lungs not being fully mature. ARRRRGH. She told me not to worry but yeah right. I hate all the uncertainities and trade offs.

Melissa - As I read your post I feel your pain. It is tiring, exhausting. I know it is easy to say as I struggle with it every day, but try to be positive. If your hormone levels are normal, then you have good chances to get pregnant. Don't feel defeated yet. You still have a chance. A friend of mine was given 10% chances in an IVF. Two hospitals refused to even trying because of her hormone levels. She got pregnant and had a beautiful baby at her first try. One thing I have be doing to feel less anxious is to think about adoption. I decided that being childless is too sad, so I am trying to grow the idea in my mind. I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. I often have these moments and know very well how much they hurt. I don't have a link to your blog. Can you post?

Maddie - Wow, this is stressful! I wouldn't know what to choose either. Would your OB consider giving you a cortisol injection and delivering your baby at 37 1/2 weeks?

Natalie & Sarah H- I have my fingers crossed for you.

Merry - I am sorry you are under so much stress. It is so unfair. I wish people could understand our pain and be just a little more thoughtful. Today I almost had a fight with my husband, because he was defending the "thoughtless people" saying that I have to be more patient. I DON'T WANT to be patient. I want them to understand my pain.

Nothing new here. CD 5 and hoping to get my ovulation delayed again. I managed last month by exercising and being stressed out (not totally voluntary). My husband will be away from CD 9 to CD 13 and I want to make sure I ovulate after that. My temps are a little high for this time of the cycle. Maybe I was just too hot because we slept with the windows closed.

Another friend of mine had a baby. Every one is having babies around me. I wish I could be truly happy for them, but I can't. I am jealous and I hate it.

Aaaah Francisca. I keep reading what you write and wanting to hug you. Words don't seem enough. Lots of love.

I've just sat and read throguh all my posts to friends while Freddie was alive - i did a mini diary on brightkite for them. I don't remember any of it. It's like someone else wrote it. I only had him for 11 days and I can't remember :(

Thinking of you all, ladies. I'm mad tired after my first two days back at work, but I just wanted to stop by and tell you I am always reading and thinking about you all.

I'm thinking of you guys too. I am having kind of a hard week so I haven't posted as much anywhere, you know how it goes. I go in for my ultrasound tomorrow so I will let you guys know. I'm clinging to hope but I know all to well how futile that is.

Francisca, a friend of mine had a baby this week too. I hate myself, but it makes me physically ill to see pictures of him and them and all their happy family-ness. They have a little girl about my son's age and I see pictures of her holding her brother and it just makes me long for Tyler to have that. Why them and not us? It's torture.

xoxoxo

Francisca -- if you click on my name on any my posts my profile here has my blog link in it.

What I find discouraging about my hormones being normal is that it means that my irregular ovulation is nothing that can be treated. I'm on CD57 now and apparently that's just something my body is going to do?

I am sorry you are surrounded by babies everywhere, it's really tough.

16 weeks today. Two weeks till the giant testing marathon with the fancy ultrasound and the quad screen and all that jazz. Somehow we're running short on paperwork at work and that is not a good thing, I need something to distract me for the next two weeks.

Sending love to those of you struggling and hope to everyone.

Keely, have you had your ultrasound? How's everything?

I'm just twiddling thumbs, hoping our timing this month isn't too terrible. I'm pretty sure I ovulate early and Mr. M is out of town (just left) CD 11-13. We had sex on day 9. I guess if I ovulated on day 10, that might be fine? Or we might still have a chance when he gets back. Or we might have missed it altogether. Urggh.

My ultrasound is this afternoon. Thanks for everyone's good thoughts. I am trying to keep myself out of panic mode but it is so hard. Que sera, sera, I guess. I will keep you guys updated and you are always in my thoughts. xoxo

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know how the ultrasound went. We did see a baby measuring about 6 weeks (about 5 days behind) and it had a heartbeat of 118. I know I should be thrilled, but of course I can't stay away from stupid Dr. Google and there are all kinds of stories about people with HCG that is not doing what it's supposed to and then the baby measures early and then they miscarry. They took more blood yesterday so hopefully I will get the results from that next week. There's really nothing to do but wait and see, my doctor seems optimistic......I'm just scared. Thanks for all the positive thoughts, I guess I am just destined to be a basketcase until we see how this whole thing plays out.

Thinking of you guys xoxo

Oh, one more positive thing I did want to throw in.....the doc did say that a heartrate of 118 was a little high for 6w0d so it's possible that the baby is actually closer to 6w5d and the measurements were just off a little. I think they are sometimes off some this early anyway. I'm just freaking cause since I do OPK's, I know my dates and I have never measured behind on a pregnancy before. So anyway, just forgot that little tidbit :)

I'm so glad Keely, that sounds really positive. I hope that the blood results next week bring a little more reassurance for you.

In the UK they say there is a tolerance of 5-7 days on scans that early.

I know this isn't going to help because Freddie didn't live - but he did get to birth and was a whopping 8lbs 6oz - but I had lots of early scans with him as I had some bleeding (a twin.... maybe). I knew my dates and early scan were all 5 days out, enough that I had a very different initial EDD to the final one.

Also HCG doesn't double beyond a certain level and the level is different for different people. I have a friend who has had ones recently of 300+ - at only 3 days more pregnant (but with probable twins), mine were 15,000!!!!

I hope you start inhaling again really soon and everything crossed that things go well. (Except my legs ;) )

Keely,

I am so grateful there was a heart rate. That is very very good.
I was worried for you. I know it is tough, and you are scared.
I am just so glad for you.

Keely - So glad the doctor thinks things are positive. Hang in there and hope the blood tests bring some more reassurance (though there's never enough it seems).

Saw my endo yesterday and she's sure he's just big (based on his head being being big as well) and is happy for the delivery to stay at 39 weeks. So yesterday I was all calm and happy for that to happen but today I'm just really anxious and can't get the thought out of my head that we leave him in there and then something happens. I think I'm going to ring my ob on Monday and ask if one of the other obs (they work in a group of four) can deliver him when I'm 38 weeks (that's when she'd be delivering him if she wasn't away that week). Well that's what I think today.

At acupunture the other day there was a pregnant women come in after me a week and a half overdue and completely unconcerned. And here on the other side of the fence is me, freaking out about getting within a week of due date. Ugh.

Oh Maddie :(

I think back to how I teeth grittedly hung on with my dd4 to 42 weeks and I can't believe I did it. And yet she was fine, just completely fine. When my waters broke, they were clear and she never missed a beat.

And yet 40+3 was too long for Freddie. Doesn't make sense.

Lots of love. I think asking for 38 weeks would be perfectly reasonable.

Keely - I see how you can be so worried, but things seem to be fine. I am glad he/she has a good heart rate. It sounds like a good sign. I have my fingers crossed for your blood work results give you some more reassurance.

Maddie - It sounds like a good idea to ask another doctor to deliver your baby at 38 wk. You must be so anxious. If I ever get pregnant again I know it will be hell. I will be so anxious. Hang in there. You are almost done and soon you will have a big, screaming baby on your arms. Hugs.

I am getting ready for the RE visit this week. Today I did a summary of the my last 9 cycles and realized that in at least 5 of them I had a pretty good timing. I am putting together a plan. I want to try everything available to avoid an IVF. I am now looking for an acupuncturist. Any suggestion on how to choose one?

I got a faint positive this morning. We are so happy and scared.

Maddie 38wks sounds resonable to me. Friends of our just delivered at 37wks by induction because the dr felt it would be too hard emotionally for them to carry past the gestation of their first child Charlotte. Still born at 37weeks. It never hurts to ask.

Wonderful news Natalie. I can imagine that you are both happy and scared at the same time.

Maddie, I hope you can arrange with one of your obs to deliver at 38 weeks. If, indeed, that is what you decide to do. It must be such a difficult, difficult decision to take.

Francisca, I'm afraid I haven't tried acupuncture so I don't have any advice there but I hope your RE visit goes well and that he or she can advise on a way forward. Personally, I always feel better when I have a plan!

Anonymouse - I never thought I would say this to anyone but I hope you are inundated with paperwork for the next two weeks. In sufficient quantities to keep you distracted until the big day.

I have been absent for a bit but I read through this thread this morning and, oh, what a mix of emotions for all of you. I am so, so happy for Mandy, and for Natalie, and I am wishing you both a uneventful and easy pregnancies with happy and healthy babies at the end.

And M., I hope your TTC time is exactly as long or short as you need it to be, and that you too wind up with a peaceful pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Francisca and Merry and others struggling with fertility, I am just so sorry. "Unfair" does not begin to cover it, because of course it's not a merit system. "Wrong" fits better. I am sorry. I hope this next cycle is the one that works for you guys.

Keely, I hate that you are having all of this uncertainty. I said to a friend yesterday (she's just about as pregnant as you and I are, and has had miscarriages in the past) that in some ways I think this would all be easier if we were still in the olden days when you had to kill a rabbit to confirm that you were pregnant, and then you just had to hang out and hope that you got a baby sooner or later. All of these early uncertain measurements and blood tests and conflicting reports are more maddening than reassuring.

But probably I feel that way because there was never a thing wrong with Hector, but my doctors scared the shit out of me about age-related problems, and it was the invasive testing that killed him. In some ways I wish I could safely crawl in a hole and just be pregnant all by myself.

As for me: I had an ultrasound on Monday and we saw a heartbeat. By LMP I was 6 weeks exactly then, and the baby measured 5w6d. I'm not sure when I ovulated so that is not necessarily behind, but both my living daughter and my son measured a day or two ahead at that stage so I am not feeling as reassured as I would like to be.

The nurse started me on progesterone suppositories because it can't hurt, I guess, and I am having another ultrasound tomorrow. I can have them weekly if I want, but I am not sure that's really good for me. I will see what we see tomorrow and then decide.

Much love to everybody here, especially those of you who are so close to meeting your babies.