I posted about my past miscarriage with my ex & current hopes of conception with my husband the other day and want to thank Steph, Keely, & Melissa for their candid words of support. Your input really helped me see this in a different perspective than I, or the few friends who know and helped me through it, have.

With your truly understanding encouragement, I took the step of talking to my husband tonight. I feel lighter for sharing this part of myself with him, although he is not totally accepting of it. His reaction was far from ideal, but I also understand his hurt and shock. I think a small part of him is glad to know, but he voiced that he almost wishes I hadn't told him. I think it's hurting his ego since we are having difficulty conceiving, but I just refuse to feel the shame I think a part of him wants me to feel.
Although it could have gone worse, I'm left in a place of isolation tonight that is no longer self-inflicted. I hope that as the freshness of this wears off, that he will find a position of separating his pride from emotion and thus provide a level of support.
Has anybody else experienced something similar with their loss and current partner? Any words of wisdom (or even light)? Thank you.

P-- I wish I had any words of wisdom for you, but please know that we are here for you for whatever you need. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this-- having so little control over the process of TTC on top of grieving for a past lost is already a ton to carry for now. I wish you weren't having to work through this very difficult issue with your husband right now, too. I hope (and imagine) that as the shock of your news wears off, he will see things for what they are and be able to help you navigate already-stressful waters. Thinking of you.

P, that must have been very hard to do - I feel for you. I haven't been in a similar situation so feel free to take no notice of me..

But you are right to refuse to feel shame. You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing shameful about losing a baby with a man you loved, and having been hurt so badly you haven't wanted to talk about it until now. Marriage doesn't automatically confer the right for your husband to probe your innermost tender parts. That you've chosen to share is a measure of your faith in him, because you knew that by doing so, there was a possibility he could add to your hurt.

I suspect you've seen the worst of his reaction, and that most of it comes from the shock of an unexpected secret rather than the reality of what you have told him. You are clearly a careful thinker and you are trying hard to put yourself in your husband's shoes. If you married a good man, he will do the same for you as he works his way through this new information.

Try not to place too much store by the words he said tonight. My husband can say some brutal things to me at times, and I can honestly say it's taken me a decade to learn how to read him correctly. Sometimes he just says dumb things he doesn't mean, and then the storm passes. Often when he has a less-than-perfect reaction to something, it's nothing to do with me at all. Sometimes I wish I could lean on him without having to remind myself of that - but I'm no perfect wife either.

Perhaps in the next few days you can ask him outright if he is hurt that the two of you are taking some time to conceive, and point out that conception can be an utterly random thing rather than a question of lack or fault. Women often know this stuff so much more instinctively than men - it's just not their natural arena.

I just looked back at your first post. I believe your ex may have grown up in the last decade. I do think it's a good sign that he was so affected by your loss, he's talking about it with you now, even if not then. What you do with that is up to you. I actually think it's a bit of an ask for you to simply close the door on him and work through all that regurgitated emotion on your own. Life is no Hollywood movie and there's nothing to say it's better for your marriage long term if you ignore something you could deal with in a relatively simple manner now.

Maybe. That's something only you can assess over time.

Good luck. Trust that feeling of relief - it's a sign you did something you needed to do.

I'm not sure if either of you will see this post, but I want to thank you both. Your comments were insightful, touching, and very helpful to me.

To follow-up, my husband has been distant these past couple of days, and I hope that he is just processing the information and isn't truly seeing me in a different (bad) light. I want to give him space and time to reflect, but as my husband, his support is important to me, part of why I told him. I know he was upset that it took me so long to tell him, but the whole experience was just so painful that I was scared to open up about it and feared that his reaction would be close to what it was. I'm sad that he's the 1st person I've shared this with since that time, and this has been the outcome so far. We are slated to take a short trip together next week, so if he doesn't open up by then, I will do a temperature check with him in the car. I hope he can work through his own insecuritites with this, as it's really not about him, and I can only say so much to reassure. I shared this with him thinking that full disclosure would bring us closer, and I hope the exagereated lonliness it has led to is temporary and that in the long run, it does bring us closer. I guess time will tell.

i'm sorry your husband seems to be finding this hard to process, p. it must be really hard for you.

i think that giving him a few days to process (but not too many!) and then talking to him about it is a good idea, although i'm not sure that while one of you is driving is the best time! if he is reluctant to talk would you be able to suggest counselling for you both? i've not done so for fertility issues but have had counselling with my hubby generally and it was really helpful to have time and space to be honest and work through stuff.

i have my fingers crossed for you that he will open up soon and talk to you about what he's feeling.
thinking of you x

P, I really do hope that your husband comes around. I hate that the stress of trying to conceive has to exacerbate the situation. No matter what happens, I think you did what you needed to do. It is an terrible burden to keep the sadness of your miscarriage to yourself. Hopefully, in the end, you and your husband will find that working through this will bring you closer together.

I am sorry it was a difficult talk. I do hope your husband comes around. Give him some time, see if you can get him to get down into what's really bothering him.

Dear P, I'm so sorry things didn't go very well when you had that talk with your husband. I posted a few weeks ago--I also have a different husband than the one with whom I experienced a loss. I think men just mourn and communicate so differently (which is partly why my ex is an ex, too), that it's often really hard to interpret. As others have pointed out, trying to conceive is hard enough (when it doesn't happen easily) all by itself without having to deal with past losses or emotions from partners.
I do think it was the right thing to do to have told your husband--as "they" always say, communication is just so important. My DH and I are scheduling appointments with a counselor--I think we're just on such different thought trains that it will be amazing if the tracks ever cross. It's very discouraging. One friend recently comforted me by saying that men are just different creatures--almost a different species--and they just don't see things the same way we do. I try to keep that in mind when I get really down about it all. I wish you all of the best--both in your relationship and with the TTC. Hang in there.

My husband told me just the other day that he feels like I have a hard enough time dealing with all the stuff that's in my own head, that he doesn't want to add any of his struggles to that. He didn't offer forward much, but it was nice to hear that I'm not the only one having crazy thoughts and dreams.

Men are often protectors of their loved ones, and in doing so they can sometimes clam up and not share where they are hurting.

Had I not pushed the issue in asking him if he had read the big crazy-dump I unleashed on my blog, I would never have found out what was going on in his head because he was wanting to not add anything more to my plate.

Give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt, first.

Thank you all for your support and sharing. Shellie, until I saw your post, I thought I was the only one in the woods who had experienced the loss with someone other than my current partner...and with what felt like the shame my husband was trying to place on me about this, it helped me to know that I am not, & I hope it helps you also. I also hope the counseling helps you and your husand, as that is something that my husband refuses to try right now.

But we a heart-to-heart a few days ago that spanned what felt like the entire emotional gamut. That was difficult also, but at this point, I think it really helped. I don't know if I'll be able to lean on him fully for support about this in the future, but at least he might understand me and my mix of emotions a little better. I know that he's not totally "okay" with it, but I also know now that he loves me enough to at least try to deal with it--and the honesty that this has ushered in between us will make us closer, I believe.

P--I almost thought I was the only one with a new partner, too!
An update--counselor did help greatly. I feel so much better about everything--and I think we understand each other much better now. I hope things continue to get better with your husband, too.