i went to the RE yesterday to find out the results of my fertility testing. i came in prepared to talk about clomid since i am over 35 and we have been trying for over 6 months. i was told that, even though there is nothing wrong with me that they can find except maybe one blocked tube (inconclusive HSG), my chances of getting pregnant are 2%. mostly because i am 38. 2% is not a nice number.

my husband is okay fertility-wise. but he has some other health concerns that, i learned yesterday, impact our options for treatment. the upshot being that the doctor recommended we skip the clomid and go directly to IVF.

that scares the hell out of me. i don't want to bankrupt my marriage financially or emotionally. we've been through enough.

i guess this is my official diagnosis of secondary infertility. to be honest, i'm not sure my body wants get pregnant. i had a chemical pregnancy back in march and since then my periods have been getting shorter and lighter. this month i did not ovulate at all.

the thing is - and this echoes some of B's recent post - i know some of it is stress, and that if i were more relaxed and happy things might be different. but i'm not going to be relaxed and happy. i am still grieving. plus the stress thing doesn't make a lot of sense to me. babies are conceived in crack houses and war zones every day. am i to think that my life is more stressful than what those women experience? i don't get it.

this post is mostly a vent, so thank you for listening. i don't even want to be going through all this rigamarole with the doctors. i just want my baby girl back. and i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that i may have held my own child in my arms for the last time.

I'm so sorry, Jenni. I am 39 now (just turned a few weeks ago) so I get being worried about that. I too have one tube blocked (mine was definitive) so thought age + blocked tube = 0 chances. Otherwise, like you, my #'s were fine. They thankfully didn't give me any percentages as to our chances but did encourage Clomid for a few months and if that was unsuccessful to move onto other options fairly quickly. The Clomid @ 100 mg did the trick. I tried 50 mg for a few months and then they ramped it up and that worked. Is it worth a try for maybe 1-2 cycles @ 100mg just to see? I don't know what it's like where you live but there was a 6 month waiting list for IVF at our clinic so what I did was sign up (with deposit) and did Clomid in the meantime.

As for the stress factor - I agree - babies are conceived under difficult circumstances all the time so I think the more important factor is good egg meeting good sperm at the right time. I did however find doing accupuncture, massage, exercising and eating well to help me handle the stress of not conceiving when we were trying. I felt better physcially and mentally and I'm not saying that did it but I think it helped my mental state.

I'm really sorry you're having a difficult day. Sending you big virtual hugs.

Jenni, I wish you didn't have to go through all this rigmarole with the doctors. It all seems horribly unfair and I'm sorry that the meeting with your RE did not bring you better news.

I'm still circling around the fertility clinic myself but also seem to have nothing wrong with me that they can find (after a couple of red herrings). It is such a massive decision to put your family through the IVF process and, yes, very scary.

I also get very confused about the stress thing. I have been quite stressed the two times I have managed to get pregnant so who knows?

Your final sentence just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry and I truly hope it isn't the case.

Your last sentence breaks my heart too Jenni. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. It is just monumentally unfair. Thinking of you. xoxo

Jenni, I know how you feel. I am also afraid I will never be able to conceive another child. It strikes me though that he gave you such a low chance even though everything was fine. Did he check your hormones? Because this is the main cause of infertility after 35. If I had the money I would go for an IVF, otherwise I would try clomid or whatever else is available out there (vitex, acupuncture, etc) for a few months. As Monique said, there usually are waiting lines for IVF anyway. I would also look for a second opinion if possible. Doctors' opinion may diverge a lot.

I agree with you that a lot of women conceive in stressful situations. I believe stress have a very small impact, but together with age, hormonal problems, etc it may contribute to a decrease in your chances of getting pregnant. I had been feeling depressed and super anxious since October last year. I had some symptoms that made me think I had some kind of hormonal imbalance, which can also cause anxiety and depression. My GYN prescribed me progesterone ovules for my spotting problem. This is the first month I am taking it and it has miraculously cured my depression! That is why I asked you about your hormones.

I am very sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair to have secondary infertility after losing a baby. I hope you can find a solution. Big hugs.

thank you all for your thoughts. it really helps just to feel heard.

monique, i think you are right - it can't hurt to try the clomid while we are trying to figure what our next move is. my doc will only prescribe 50mg and only for 3 months - so either it works or it doesn't and we move on. it was really good to hear your story, though. i'm so happy for you that clomid did the trick!

francisca, thanks for sharing your story. i have long suspected a low level hormonal imbalance, but my numbers all look fine. oh well.

catherine , sorry you are up against some of this stuff too. all the not knowing is so hard. i'll be thinking of you.

xo