About 9 years ago, I became pregnant w/my first love's baby. But, I miscarried. Shortly after that, he ended things in a very cold & abrupt manner, moving in w/another woman--leaving me to grieve our relationship & our loss on my own. Since then, we both married other people. He married the lady he moved in with, had a child, & is now divorced. I have been married to my husband for about 4 years. Last year, we started ttc. I haven't told him about my miscarriage b/c I don't want to hurt his pride/ego, nor do I think I could handle an insensitive comment (if he were to make one). My ex reached out to me a few months ago for the first time since our explosive break-up and we saw each other platonically about a month ago. He expressed regret, said he never cheated on me, apologized for hurting me, and said he still thinks of our unborn child, too. He went on to say that had I not miscarried, he never would have let me go...he looked at it as a sign that we weren't meant to be together and just found an easy out rather than being there for me/for us. While this conversation with him was healing, it has also reopened some hurt in me and made me realize how scared I am to get pregnant again, even though I really want to and know that I'm with a good man now. I have been tested for infertility and things are thankfully normal. He is in the process now. Although I now know that my past loss has not negatively affected my reproductive system/ability to get pregnant, I have a nagging feeling in me that I need to tell him about my past loss. But another part of me thinks it's my body, my past (before I ever knew him), and my business to tell or not to tell....does anyone have any input? I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to hurt more than I already have either.
I'm also torn about whether to stay in touch with my ex or not....it helps me to know he has and does grieve our baby as well and to have that kind of support; but being in touch with him also makes me realize that I may not have fully grieved originally and am hurting in different ways now. Any advice?

This is just my two cents, but I think you need to tell your husband. Your loss was a major, defining moment in your life. He should know about this significant event, especially since you want to have children together. When you do get pregnant again, you will need a lot of support, more than you would had you not had a loss. My guess is that you are afraid to tell him because you fear that he will reject you in the same way that your ex did. Remember-- they are two different people. What your ex did was terrible. Your husband will likely support you in ways that will surprise you. Give him that chance.

As for your ex, I think you should explore your grief without him. It is all fine and good that he expressed regret. Take that for what it is worth and move on. Personally, I don't think you have much to gain (and possibly a lot to lose) if you keep the lines of communication open with him. He wasn't there to help you heal when you needed him the most. That fact should tell you all you need to know about him. Of course, this is all easy for me to say because we not talking about my first love here. I know that first loves can have a powerful pull.

Best of luck with whatever decisions you make.

Personally, I agree with Steph, I think you should tell your husband, but I do also think that it IS your body, your past, and your business whether or not you ultimately want to tell or not. I'm sure your husband will be surprised but it happened a long time ago and before you even knew him, so it's not like he really has a place to be angry or anything like that. And I agree with Steph too that his ability to handle this might surprise you. As someone who has miscarried and been pregnant afterward, and then miscarried again, I can tell you firsthand that you will need all the support you can find.

I probably wouldn't stay in contact with your ex. Again, this is totally your call, but I just think it opens doors to a lot of things that could emotionally stressing, and you don't really need that. He abandoned you in your time of need and for me, someone who would see a miscarriage as a "sign" that you aren't supposed to be together isn't really someone I would want in my life.

Good luck with everything and good luck ttc.

I agree with Keely and Steph.

If this is something that you are still grieving, and especially if it is opening up new and old wounds, your husband needs to know. While I agree that things in your past are your business to share only if you wish, this is now something that is affecting you in your present, and your husband is part of that present.

I also agree about not staying in contact with your ex. I can understand looking back and realizing you made mistakes in your past. It was probably not an easy move for him to contact you and say what he did. But your first obligation is to your self, and the health of your current relationship. You can, and probably should, get support for your grief from other places than your ex. The relationship with your ex sounds like it would not be a healthy one, with your past history. Let your husband, friends, family support you.