Hope it's okay to start a new topic...I looked but didn't see anything that addresses this topic specifically.

My daughter, Pearl, was stillborn on June 5th. She died of a cord accident at 36 weeks, and was our second child.

We've just started trying to conceive again, which makes me very happy and hopeful, but the complicated math I've been doing in my head since she died has just gotten more complicated. If last cycle had worked (and I wasn't hopeful, as I usually ovulate early and my husband didn't decide he was ready until a bit late), we would have had a due date of May 20th. The plan is that we'll induce a bit early, maybe 37-38 weeks, so that would have meant a baby about a month before her birthday. Now we're on to a new cycle, and if we're successful, we'd have a due date right smack dab in between her birthday and her original due date. Inducing early would mean that we'd have a baby a week before or a few days before her birthday. Seems pretty close, right?

My primary concern is for the (hopeful, someday, future) child. Wouldn't that feel awfully heavy, to have a birthday so close to your older sister's, who died? Because we'll induce, it's very unlikely that they'd share an actual birthday, but how close is too close?

I don't want to take a cycle off, as looking forward to the future feels right and healthy and good right now. Plus, with my short cycles, if I move the math forward, then success in the cycle after this one would still mean very tight timing...in fact, it would give me a due date a few days away from Pearl's due date and a birth a week or so after her birthday.

So, any thoughts? Am I over-thinking this? How have those of you further down the path worked this out?

I know I'm getting ahead of myself, since I'm not pregnant and for all I know it will take a while. I don't believe in "jinxes" anymore, and I know all too well that I don't have much control over the outcome...but I'm still somehow trying to figure out all these calculations.

I honestly think having the dates close together would probably affect you much more than your future child. Children are pretty ego-centric by nature and also tend to just accept things as they are. Now, whether or not YOU would want to be celebrating one child's birth while mourning the loss of another just a few days later is something that only you personally can decide, but for me, I am sad everyday, so I don't think having a new child close to the date of my son's birth/death would affect me any more than it would every other day, KWIM? Good luck with your decision, and good luck with TTC. xoxoxo

I agree with Keely. I did the same thing in July when we were TTC, but didn't catch. And then didn't catch in August either. I'm now more of the mind that I'll take any pregnancy and worry about the dates later, know what I mean?

I'm so sorry your daughter isn't here with you. Pearl is a beautiful name.

M-- I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, and so sorry that you are even having to think about this. I went through this very same dilemma with my current cycle. If we're successful, our due date will be within 10 days of our 17-month-old daughter Hudson's death this past May from meningitis. I thought briefly about not trying this month, mostly because I didn't want to risk our second child being born on the anniversary of Hudson's death. I was concerned for that child, who I didn't want to have to share his/her birthday with the saddest day of our lives, and I was concerned for Hudson, because I didn't want to share that date with any other child. And even if the dates don't end up being the exact same, I worry that the whole month will be melancholic and sad anyway.

I think I ultimately decided that it's just too hard to wait and that Keely is right, that every day is sad, and although those days somehow can feel sadder than others, I suppose there is some potential to bring healing to them as well with a new baby. And while I do think an older child might someday think more about sharing a birthday with the anniversary of his/her sister's death, especially if it is an event that you plan to commemorate (and it sounds like you will be able to avoid this circumstance in any event), I don't think they would think much about the dates being close together. I agree, though, that all of this is much more likely to weigh heavier on you than it ever will on your future children, but it speaks so highly of you that you already love those children so much that you are worried about it.

Again, so very sorry and glad you found glow.

M, remembering your precious Pearl as I write this. I'm sorry for your loss. I did not have a choice in the matter, but I had twins in August...one live and one stillborn. We are choosing to celebrate our living twin's birthday as her special day, and memorializing our lost twin on the day we discovered he died (which was actually in January). I think Abby's birthday will always bring about the memories of also losing her twin, but I will try to keep it her special time. Maybe if you find the dates are close, you can choose a special time to celebrate Pearl like on her date of conception or date that you discovered what you were having, etc.

Best wishes for a healthy baby in your future.

I've been doing the exact same thing. If we get pregnant now, I'll have a due date about a week after we lost Charlotte. She was stillborn June 6th and we buried her June 10th. If this first month TTC works, I will probably be due June 13th.

I sit here and think the same thing, worry about the same dates. I worry that I'm over thinking it myself. Especially when I consider that it might not happen this month. Then I worry that I'll stress myself out and cause it not to happen.

If you're both ready to try again, I say go for it. Continue to grieve for Pearl. And if you are blessed with another child, enjoy that baby. I hope that my grief and future joys will be able to exist together. I know i'm not going to be able to forget Charlotte and I want to continue to acknowledge her. I think the TTC part will be enough worry for now.