This is my first time wrting in this section of Glow. I am very twitchy about admitting to anyone, even myself it seems, that we are trying for a pregnancy. But I have been shocked at the emotional toll of the TTC this time. I get pretty sick in pregnancy itself, so my husband and I have been bracing ourselves for steering our household through another pregnancy, but I didn't anticipate how emotionally grueling this TTC part of the process would be. It has knocked me sideways. I wonder if the formatting at glow permits bullet points? Let's see:

- I had a partial molar pregnancy in Nov 2008 (if you are curious, here's a strange Irish woman talk you through it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slPazdMc9WQ ). When this happened, we were TTC and for 2 months I sometimes would suddenly wake up with a pregnant belly, big sore breasts, and pregnancy nausea.I would try not to get excited, I would wait a few days, then wee on a stick and get a negative result, then after 5 or 6 days the 'pregnancy' symptoms would suddenly stop. These blocks of feeling pregnant happened I think 5 times over 2 months, and it was doing my head in. When I was eventually diagnosed with a partial molar, it was in some ways a relief to know I wasn't wishing myself a phantom pregnancy and what I experienced was unfortunately very common for partial molars. In my case, the partial molar was medically pretty benign, and I was monitored for 6 months before starting to try again, and I was pregnant again quickly with no complications.

- But after a partial molar, I cannot assume that a rise in beta hCG is actually a pregnancy. A positive result from a wee on a stick and / or blood levels indicating a rise of beta HCG might just be a return of the partial molar rather than a pregnancy. A return of a partial molar would mean another dilation and curette and probably some chemotherapy, not because a partial molar is cancer but because chemo is what they use to stop the growth of unwanted cells. So last time I thought I was pregnant it was a tense time, and we don't know it's actually a pregnancy until we see a foetus on the screen.

- Normal pregnancy followed to full term, normal labour followed for 7 hours, then our baby's pulse dropped, we got her out as quick as we could, but our precious third daughter Salome died 3 days later in NICU (early onset sepsis + meconium aspiration + perinatal asphyxia). Salome's death was completely unrelated to the partial molar.

- I was monitored for return of partial molar, and no troubles arose, beta hCG dropped exactly as it should.

- That was 7 months ago. Now we are trying to get pregnant again. 10 days ago, after feeling a bit pregnant for 2 1/2 weeks but having no positive result when i did wee on a stick tests, I did get a positive result on my bloods.

- 6 days ago I had a scan done. This showed no partial molar. HURRAY! But also no baby, but signs that my utuerus was getting in a receptive sort of mood for a littlun'.

- So now we wait again. 8 days until my next scan. My period is now 3 weeks late.

- If we are pregnant again, we do have some new factors to take into account arising from Salome's birth / death. Salome's early onset sepsus was from an e coli infection. I now have what is referred to as a 'colonised uterus'. This means I can expect to have regular vaginal swabs through the pregnancy, I'll probably take antibiotics along the way, and I'll probably have a ceasarean at 37 weeks after being on IV antibiotics the night before, to ensure the baby has some antibiotics on board too before the birth. So compared to what many of you have to anticipate in pregnancy and birth, actually medically it is not as hideous as it could be.

I have been suprised at how heavy going I have found these last few weeks to be emotionally. I do not trust any messages my body is giving me regarding my fertility or possible pregnancy AT ALL. I mean, Salome was fine until about 24 hours before labour when the e coli got into her blood and she went downhill fast and I didn't even NOTICE. My full term baby was critically ill and I had no diea. I already didn't trust my capacity to interpret my body's messages about fertility because of the stupid partial molar.

My husband thinks I am pregnant, and is looking forward to having that confirmed. I don't think any sort of confirmation will take away my feeling of twitchy and on edge. From my perspective, being pregnant is a neccesary but not sufficient condition to producing a baby. I am keen to pregnant again but I will certainly not be assuming that process will end with us taking home a baby. Even being 40 weeks pregnant, in good health, having great medical support... there is a high correlation bewteen that set of curcumstances and bringing home a baby, but we all know the correlation is not 1. And now I have a colonised uterus too.

This experience so far has been like a master class is sitting with paradox. Last week my husband and I went to the Obst office, had our scan where we were told we had reason to be optimistic about a forthcoming pregnancy, then we got good Thai take away, and went to have lunch at Salome's grave, sitting in the sun listening to the waves and talking about how for me God is dead now too.

If this is a pregancy, it will be a very different pregnancy to any before. One day at a time I guess, same as all of you. This is just the kick-off of our current baby-making venture, and no matter what happens we have a long road ahead.

Please go easy on yourself - having to deal with the partial molar potentially giving you false pregnancies (sorry probably not the right term) sounds like a lot to deal with in itself. I wish there was something I could say but it's really just a long and hard road being pregnant after a loss. I'm 35 weeks today and still gripped by fear and anxiety that something will go wrong even though my ob keeps telling me things look OK. On the other hand, if you are pregnant then each day is a day closer and despite the fear and anxiety time keeps passing.

For me, keeping busy helps a little but getting tired makes things much worse so it's a balancing act.

We're all here with you anytime you want to post/rant/need support.

Maddie x

All that sounds an utter nightmare; you poor people :( I'm so sorry you don't have your daughter and I fully understand your feelings about not being able to trust your body. I used to feel I had control over mine, it would just get pregnant - and stay pregnant - the minute I decided that was what I wanted. Now I just feel I have no control at all.

I'm sorry you find yourself here - but I know you'll get much support.

I'm sorry about Salome and wish she were here.

I don't know how we do anything post-loss other than just get through it somehow. Fear and anxiety will come with a new pregnancy as your innocence has been taken away. Hopefully, you'll have some moments of hope in there too.

Sending much love and luck to you. xo

Sophia, I am so sorry about your sweet Salome. That in itself is enough, WAY enough, for any two people to have to handle. Throwing in the partial molar and potential effects on future pregnancies just seems utterly unfair. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this, and I do agree that if you are pregnant, you will just have to take it one day at a time. I don't really trust my body anymore either, probably none of us do really. Hang in there, I will be thinking of you xo