hope you are all hanging in there.

i'm scheduled for a c/s on fri. very nervous but otherwise okay.

just wanted to check in.

Good luck, gayle. I will be thinking about you on Friday.

I'm not ready to be "out" about this with my friends and family, but I got a positive pregnancy test yesterday. I'm kind of stunned because we were all over the map this month in terms of are we trying, are we not, and I'm scared to death that we won't even see a heartbeat at my first appointment. But I am so happy, my husband is happy in spite of his earlier ambivalence, and I kind of feel like we can handle this. I hope.

Gayle-- Every good wish for your nerves and, more importantly, for the safe delivery of your precious baby on Friday. You are so close-- just hang in there a few more days.

Beth-- Congratulations! As I've said to several people about TTC after Hudson died, are we ever really "ready" to be pregnant? Whether we've suffered a loss or not, every pregnancy is a leap of faith to some degree. We grieving mamas are just taking a bigger one than others, I guess. I'm so happy that you all are happy, and when you think you can't handle it, just remind yourself that you already are.

As for me, after my complete freakout last week, I may have ovulated after all, just later than normal. I think the test I took on Thursday must have been a bum, because I took another Friday and got a faint line again. I can't really explain why I would have 5 days of faint lines on the OPK, but I'm pretty sure I finally had a positive on Sunday, which would be CD13. Maybe the longer time until ovulation will make a difference this month. Now I really have no idea what to expect, and nothing to do but wait. Sigh.

Good luck everyone, and pregnant mamas, hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

Beth, that is so exciting - I've been holding my breath for you since you replied on the thread below; I didn't want to say "oooh" in case I jinxed it and because I knew you were a bit umm-ahhh this month :)

Gayle, have everything bar my leg crossed :)

AFM, well I'm a bit encouraged by Beth as she and I had similar cycles but also because my ov on day 17 must have been a downswing because it was a negative last month. I took out my second maybe positive from last month, because it wasn't digital and pinned the two charts together. Surprisingly they match quite well.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/30820b

I've obviously ovulated later this month and was down about that but then I had a bit of a think and remembered that actually the month I got pregnant with Freddie I knew I must have conceived him very late and was surprised because I thought we had missed the window. So in actual fact, my cycle is possibly closer to be back to how I conceived him that I thought - and maybe I feel a little more hopeful.

Of course, I still have to get past day 23 but I'm day 20 and I don't have any white spots on my face yet. I have no idea when I realised I must be pregnant with Freddie - in that week two of my daughters had surgery in hospital *rolls eyes* and although I know I was having some "hmmm....." thoughts sat by one of their beds, I'm not exactly sure.

Regardless, it all means nothing in reality. But I'm a tiny bit encouraged that my body is still working back to some form of normal. I know my periods have been really light so far when I've ovulated early but this month my spotting and ovulation were quite separated by several days. Maybe my lining has been too thin up till now and a later ovulation will help that.

Who knows.

Bath, I'm thrilled for you. Take deep breaths.

Yeah for Beth (and for Rachel from last week when I was away). I glad that somebody can get a BFP even if I can't.

Gayle, I so happy for you that it is finally almost time to meet your little one. I'll be thinking of you all week.

Mandy and Merry, I hope your cycles get themselves figured out soon.

AFM, it's CD9 so it should be just over a week until I O. We just got home from a week of vacation so I have piles of laundry to do and errands to run to keep what's left of my mind occupied. Friday will be 5 months since Reid's birth/death and I know many people wouldn't have even been able to start trying until 6 months after a c/s, but I am already getting very frustrated (cycles look perfect on paper but still no BFP). Much love to everyone who has been ttc for any length of time without success.

Cara,

On Thursday it is 5 months since Freddie was born, although he died 11 days later. Holding you in my thoughts for the end of the week.

I have written letters to Freddie on the date of his birth each month - they've been good but this month I almost can't bear to imagine doing it. It sounds terrible, but right now, I just want to forget, to pretend it never happened.

Have realised I made no sense in the above - I meant my opk+ must have been a downswing as it was negative a day later - so that means our efforts were okay timing (my, already it feels a chore!)

Gayle--only four more days! Hang in there mama! I am praying so much for you and your sweet baby every day.

Beth!!! I am so happy for you and am glad that you guys are so happy. You can totally handle this, although it's not going to be easy. But then, is it ever? Like Mandy said, every pregnancy is a leap of faith. I was so worried every second of my last pregnancy and look where it got me, so this time, I am just going to concentrate on being happy and come what may.

Mandy--I'm so glad you ovulated! I always get faint lines for a few days before I ovulate. I finally started just using the digital ones so I didn't freak myself out.

Merry--I am glad you are feeling more hopeful. I wish I knew more about cycles and stuff so I could give you some advice, but I don't. But I am thinking of you, and will be especially on Thursday xoxo

Cara--hang in there. It took us a while to conceive with my son that we lost and it was really frustrating. I will be thinking of you on Friday xoxo

AFM, I'm pregnant. I'm incredibly grateful and beyond amazed that it happened this quickly but I am also scared shitless. But like I said above, I am trying to just take it day by day and be happy. I feel really good and that is a change from my last two pregnancies (both of which were losses) so maybe that is a good sign. I hope hope hope.

Thinking of all of you ttc and hoping all the preggo mamas are feeling okay! xoxoxo

Keely! I have just been holding my breath for you since you said you had the faint positives. I've been waiting and waiting to see this post-- so very happy for you. I totally understand you being scared, but you're right-- you're just going to have to have faith that everything is going to be OK. I'll certainly be hoping that for you. And you're giving me hope that maybe this will happen for us soon. I hope so. I'm hoping that the recent sense of increased peace I've been feeling may translate into a more hospitable environment for conception and pregnancy-- I can only imagine what kind of havoc the stress of the last three months has put on my body and hormones.

Merry and Cara-- Hang in there. Thinking of you.

We have only started to try for another baby last month, it was a no go. So we will just try again this month.
I am so happy to see so many preggo to this post. I hope to se more of us joining the ranks soon.

Hi, this is my first time posting here (although I know several people here already and have been lurking for awhile). My beautiful son Naveen was stillborn in June. He was 11 days overdue and probably died of an infection the day before he was born. I miss him terribly. Naveen was our first child, and we knew right away we wanted to try for another baby. But since he was born by emergency c-section, we've had to wait to TTC until I've had time to recover physically which is good since we needed the time to grieve anyway. We plan to start trying again this cycle. I just got my period again (my OB prescribed Provera to induce it) and am on CD5. I have a long cycle and generally ovulate on CD23. It scary to contemplate going through this again, but at the same time I’m feeling ready and anxious to get our lives heading in a more hopeful direction.

Beth, you know how thrilled I am for you. I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.

Mandy, so good to see you here. I’m definitely rooting for you.

Congratulations, Keely! I can understand the fear but am glad that you're already feeling good about this pregnancy.

Sending good thoughts to all the brave souls here navigating TTC and pregnancy after loss. It’s so nice to have this community where people really understand how difficult this can be.

Aaaah! I'm so excited for you Keely & Beth!! I know it's a perilous journey from here, but we're here for you.

Gayle - I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

I'm hoping we have many more BFPs this month too.

AFM - I saw my nurse practitioner yesterday (she's our primary care practitioner) and mentioned to her that we're not pregnant yet, and that I'm concerned about my short LP. She immediately asked me if I wanted to go see a fertility specialist in town and so I should see someone in September. I know we've been only trying for 4 months but if there's something wrong we want to be able to address it. So, I'm CD7 today, and still taking the supplements and just trying to be zen. I'm also focusing on working out daily and eating better instead of TTC.

Thinking of everyone.

CD41! no O.

OB appointment Thurs. Eagerly awaiting some sort of "answers" or course of action then. I think I'll be happy even if they just run some blood tests because it will feel like I am doing *something* instead of sitting around with my ovaries switched off.

Thanks everyone!

Mandy, I just have a feeling things are going to turn around for you guys. I don't know why, but I just do. And I'm hoping soon, because you guys have had enough. We all have.

Sarah, I am wishing and wishing this is your month, but if not I'm so glad they are going to get you in to see somebody! I agree, it's only been 4 months, but it never hurts to check things out and then you can do something about it if necessary. Good luck with the whole zen thing, I wish I was close to you so we could work on it together. I need a little zen.

Thinking about you Melissa. I hope they're able to give you some answers. I know it has to be so frustrating to not know what is going on with your body.

Hi Stacey, I am so sorry about your sweet Naveen. I lost my son in June also, although he was only at 20 weeks. Good luck this cycle, I will be hoping for you!

Natalie, I hope to see more people joining the preggo ranks too, you included! It is a big bunch of BS to have to deal with what we have all had to deal with and then have trouble getting pg again also.

Thinking of everyone here. xoxoxo

Gayle - All the best for Friday. I'll be thinking of you this week and look forward to hearing your baby is safely in your arms.

Beth - Congratulations. The only advice I can give is take it one day at a time and if what you feel is happy then go with it.

Mandy - Hope the waiting brings a good result for you.

Merry - I don't know much about cycles but I'm glad you're feeling a bit positive.

Cara - Hope the errands keep your mind occupied. As much as I hated going back to work, it has helped over the last few months to have something else to think about.

Keely - Congrats to you as well and day by day is really the only way through this. Wishing you an uneventful 9 months and a healthy baby in your arms at the end.

Natalie/Stacy - I hope you TTC journey's are short.

Sarah - So glad you've got a supportive primary caregiver. Good luck on the trying to be zen thing - I've been trying but according to DH I'm not quite there yet ;-)

Melissa - Good luck for the ob appointment.

AFM - 34 weeks. On the maximum dose of Metformin now which is working for now so fingers crossed. Saw my endo yesterday and she's happy with how things are going. Go back in three weeks and having blood/urine tests before then to check for PE and my iron levels.

Just got back from a breastfeeding meeting - the local group was talking about BF after a c-section this month so I wanted to hear about that. It's the first time I've been around non-BLM's Mum's I don't know in a situation where I actually have to engage with them. After I cried through introducing myself I was surprisingly OK with them and their babies. I cried when I got back into the car to come home but was expecting that anyway. In some ways, things like that help to remind me that most babies do come home. In others, it's hard to see 'what should have been'. And I'm not quite sure how to interact with others anymore - they were all really nice but I can't help but wonder what they think of the 'women with baby who died'.

5 weeks yesterday until my c-section date. A week tomorrow until my Mum and Dad arrive for a week. September is here and it's the last calendar month to get through before this baby arrives.

Only 5 weeks Maddie (less than even)! Hang in there. I'm so glad the Metformin seems to be working xoxo

Gayle - I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Beth and Keely - Congratulations!!

Maddie - I am a few weeks behind you. It's hard being around those who do not understand this loss, isn't it? The wondering what people think of us. I am happy that they were kind to you.

Those TTC - September 1, and new month, new hope. I am hoping for your BFP's with you.

As for me I am 31 weeks today. Still nervous as all hell, and don't expect it to go away until everything hopefully turns out OK. Last Thursday I was sent to the hospital because I was cramping. They monitored me for about 2 - 2 1/2 hours and everything checked out OK. I was terrified.
First day of the new school year today for teachers, and I hadn't really told anyone in the district that I am pregnant, so I got al of of surprised looks, and "i didn't knows" and congratulations from a lot of co-workers. I smiled and said thank you, but inside it made me all the more nervous. Like now everyone knows and what if something happens? Know what I mean? I am trying to be positive but I have a hard time sometimes. I listened to my co-worker who is also pregnant talk about the things she and her husband are buying and preparing for their baby, and wished I felt that free. I haven't purchased anything yet.
And I have been having a lot of flashbacks of Devyn's birth, knowing he was dead and going through labor to have him, knowing all along that I would not have my baby boy to take home. When I think of labor now I get so frightened. I am awake a lot during the night and sometimes I cannot fall back to sleep, and if she is quiet, I lie awake and fret until I feel her move. The contradiction is I'm so scared sometimes, but I am so, so happy for this chance to be pregnant again.

OB appointment and endocrinology appointment today. Guess that's why I'm up way early even though I'm off today. As long as I can keep busy with the paperwork I'm okay at work, but still a horrible buildup to appointment days, I keep looking at the extra U/S packages and the home doppler kits and wondering whether doing that might help or just make it worse.

I'm struggling a bit. It's 5 months today since Freddie was born and I've written my letter on my blog and had some hugs from people who don't know what to say and I just feel so blue. I need to get out.

If my period is going to come on day 23/24 again it will be today or tomorrow; if it is going to come later but still come it will arrive just as dh and I are due to go on a 3 night break away. If it doesn't come, I'll spend that weekend... oh, ffs, I'm going to spend that weekend just thinking "what if..." any way. Last time we had a weekend in a hotel was when I was still bleeding from Freddie's twin loss and wondering what was going to happen next.

I've got no obvious signs, not even the achy womb of the last few months but my mood plummeted from hopeful to just so sad last night. Not a good sign. I'm only 5 dpo so I can't even think about testing but the misery is making me behave badly. I snapped at dh last night. Also not a good sign. If I do come on tomorrow or the day after, I'm really definitely in short luteal phase land - and that will make me miserable as I don't think it will fix.

Next week I have "post/pre pregnancy counselling" with a new consultant. It means going to the same corridor that Freddie was born on and where I walked up and down for days afterwards.

Oh Merry. I'm also in the land of 'was hopeful but now just sad' today. Just fed up. I'm so sorry that you are going to have to go back to that corridor. Love to you and strength for your counselling appointment.

Congratulations Beth and Keely.

Hope you get some answers Melissa.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Gayle.

Cara, I know how frustrating it is. I also 'look good on paper' but can't deliver the goods. This cycle of hope and disappointment is really a grind.

No news from me really. Same old, same old. Wry smile.

Gayle - how you holding up today?

Merry - I've been really emotional since we hit the 5 month mark for Foster (Aug 23rd) - Maybe there's just something about now? I don't know, but I'm sorry you're suffering today.

Catherine, Cara - ditto to the looks good on paper thing. Here's hoping something sorts itself out soon.

AFM - Still here, CD9, being 'zen' ;-). I'm trying to stay off of Fertility Friend as much as possible and today shared the 'Sperm meets egg plan' link with K. It was interesting to get his feedback on it, since I think he feels left out of the loop sometimes when I'm off researching this or that about fertility. Working on losing some weight, and will get back to the job hunt properly next week - I've been waiting on some good prospects but they don't seem to be going anywhere right now so onwards and upwards. I've also tempted fate by ordering a bulk pack of OPKs (like 75 tests) so here's hoping I'll be posting them for the taking in a few months. :-)

Hope everyone is doing alright.

S

OB appointment got pushed because because he had to do an emergency C-section, but I still got in this afternoon.

I was all steeled for disappointment and a fight and all, but the appointment was ridiculously easy.

Nurse and OB were happy to look at my charts with me, talk about history, and they put my printouts in my chart. OB even said "Oh good, I like those!"

They did a pelvic exam which was normal and sent me to get a bunch of bloodwork done. TSH, progesterone, FSH, LH, prolactin panel, etc.

They're going to call me next week with the results. If things are abnormal, then it depends on what is abnormal as to what they'll do. If I'm just erratic about ovulating because lol that's just how I am, then he said the next step would be to put me on Clomid to make me ovulate regularly.

We had a good chuckle because at first he said you take Clomid "five times a day" instead of for five days at the beginning of your cycle. I was like "Whoa, tossing em back!" He laughed, and pantomimed chucking down pills while saying "Like candy! Fertility candy!"

So. If I am broken then we can figure out what it is, hopefully nothing too horrible, and something treatable, and if I am not explicitly broken and just pulled the lazy ovaries (I have always had not entirely regular, slightly longer cycles) then I get fertility candy.

I feel okay with that. I am partially hesitant to jump to popping pills, but the erratic ovulation and long cycles are just really frustrating.

Gayle - I'll be sending good thoughts your way tomorrow - so close to meeting your little one now!

Melissa - sounds like you have a good OB! Hope the tests give you good news.

Merry - thinking of you and Freddie today.

Beth and Keely - great news!

Everyone ttc- sending hope that this month is your month.

AFM, I have my dating scan tomorrow. DH has to work, and I thought I could go alone, but as the day gets closer, I'm freaking out and taking my best friend with me. I feel like everything will be ok (fingers crossed) but what if there's no heartbeat? I'm trying to stay positive. I'll let you gals know how it goes.

Gayle, just wanted to let you know I have been thinking of you and will be all day tomorrow. I am praying and hoping and wishing with all I've got that you have a sweet healthy baby in your arms by tomorrow night!!!!

Rachel, good luck to you as well tomorrow. I completely understand your nervousness but remember that whatever happens, things will be okay.

Merry, I have been thinking of you today. Same for you tomorrow Cara. xoxoxo

Thinking of Cara and Gayle today - lots of love.

I am now officially stalking this thread to hear back on Rachel and Gayle. :-)

Cara - sending you some love today.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

hugs
S

Cara and Merry-- Much love to you during these sad days. Even though every day is hard, these anniversaries seem even harder, because we should be celebrating much different milestones.

Rachel and Gayle-- Every good wish for both of you today. Can't wait to hear what I just know will be good news on both fronts.

Paula-- Keep hanging in there. Sounds like you are handling all of these twists in the maze beautifully.

Catherine-- Thinking of you always. And your wry smile is beautiful.

Melissa-- Glad to hear that was a positive experience. Hopefully things will start coming together for you soon.

anonymouse-- Hope the appointments went well yesterday and that you got what you needed from them.

And Sarah, I hope you'll be posting those OPKs to give away soon, too.

As for me, just waiting, and not exactly sure what to expect and when this month, so we'll just have to see. Hubby and I are off to Vegas (of all places) for the long weekend to celebrate our anniversary, so I'm hoping it will be a good distraction.

Thinking of everyone.

I was ready to hear "Can't find the heartbeat.". Guess heading in with a negative attitude works for me though, because they found a heartbeat "about 160, the kid is moving so much it is hard to count." Going to be adding another pill to the handful, but otherwise still apparently okay. Scared to think maybe this one will make it, but went and looked at actual maternity clothes for a bit. I won't buy anything for this baby though unless it gets here.

anonymouse-- I didn't know it was THAT kind of appointment at the OB. I wouldn't have been so generic. So, so happy for you. Hang in there.

Anonymouse best wishes!

Anonymouse - I'm a little speechless (a rare occurrence over here), but I'm so glad there was a squirmy little one with a strong heartbeat today. That's fantastic! :-D

He's here! Dylan Blake was born this a.m. via c-section. He is absolutely precious and to say we are smitten is an understatement.

It is of course bittersweet because he will never get to meet his big sister. And for me, since Blythe was our first, I am only now realizing what was taken from us with Blythe's passing.

But for the first time in a long time, I am happy.

I cannot thank all of you enough for abiding with me through this journey and lifting me up when I most needed it.

Congratulations Gayle!! I'm so happy for you, it brings tears to my eyes. Been thinking of you all day.

Congratulations Gayle - I'm so glad he's here safely. Enjoy all those precious cuddles and know that his big sister will be watching over him. xx

Congratulations Gayle :) Very happy for you. Much love to you through these first emotional days and may every moment be precious and wonderful.

Anonymouse - :)

Gayle - Many, many congratulations on the arrival of Dylan Blake. I'm biased as Blake is a family name for us but what a lovely name you've given your son. I can only imagine that there will be bitter as well as sweet times as you remember his big sister, Blythe. Who also has an absolutely beautiful name, I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I love her name before but I do.

Anonymouse - glad that the scan was positive.

Mandy - Happy anniversary to you and your husband. Hoping that you are having a lovely time in Vegas or, if that is not possible, that it will be a good distraction for you both.

Great news Gayle! It gives me lots of hope that Dylan Blake is safely in your arms!

I had my scan yesterday - of course I freaked out when she started and all we saw was a big empty sac - but then she zoomed into the small peanut with a beating heart!! It was amazing. (I didn't have a dating scan last time as I was with midwives). I set up my 12 wk appt. for Oct. 6th, so just need to breathe and keep myself busy till then.

thinking of everyone, thanks for the support:)

Gayle - what wonderful news! I'm so happy Dylan Blake is here safe and sound. I can only imagine how bittersweet this time is, so thrilled that Dylan is here and missing Blythe so deeply.

Congratulations to the success stories out there, I know it's not an easy time ahead and to those ttc I'm thinking of you all and wishing you luck.

Oh Gayle, I am SO happy that he is here safely!!!! Seriously, I'm bawling. I'm sure it is so bittersweet for you, and I can totally see how it would make you miss sweet Blythe even more. The next few weeks will be challenging but I know you will soak up every minute with that sweet boy. Keep us updated when you have time. xoxoxo

Yay Rachel! I'm so glad the scan went well! You too anonymouse :)

Oh Gayle Congratulation!! I am so happy Dylan arrived safely into your arms!

What wonderful news, Gayle! It's so good to hear that Dylan Blake is here and safely in your arms! I'm sorry his big sister Blythe isn't here to welcome him, but I'm glad you finally get to experience that happiness you've longed for - congratulations!

Gayle - I'm so very happy for you.
Rachel, Anonymouse - I'm glad the scans went well.

I think I ovulated yesterday, 8 days earlier than the last 3 months. WTH? I think we missed this month. :-/

Congrats to Gail on the arrival of Dylan. (and to Rachel and anonymouse on successful scans).

Thanks to everyone who remembered me and Reid on Friday, it helps to hear things like that because not many people in my life have ever acknowledged the anniversaries (well at least not that they have bothered to let me know).

Sarah, that's just crappy, hopefully your temps are just messing with you and you haven't missed your chance this month.

Late weighing in on this one (been out of town without the laptop) but congratulations, Gayle. So very, very happy for you. Just picturing you snuggling with your sweet boy makes me feel good. And hopeful.