I know - it's the 24th but I thought I'd get this week's update thread going.

So - how is everyone?

I have good / bad news.

Good: I'm on 11dpo which is 2 days longer than any cycle since Foster. YAY.
Bad: My temp dropped to my cover line today which means I should expect AF shortly. FUCK I thought this was our month. I'm still bitter about TTC 5 months PP (5 months yesterday in fact), and today I have the uglies over the fact that everyone's life seems easier than mine (false I know, and an ugly thought but it's sitting there under my skin. I'm going to blame PMS for this one).

Anyway - that's me. How's everyone else?

I'll update myself. Stupid period showed up. I'm going to go drink some wine now.

I'm sorry Sarah. After the temp thing I was hoping this was your month too :( Stupid AF. Enjoy the wine.....alcohol rules.

I'm 9dpo and am trying to put off POAS until at LEAST Thursday. I'm getting hives just thinking about it. I will let you know if I succeed in putting it off that long. Doubtful. I am a POAS addict.

I hope all the preggo mamas are hanging in there and I hope everyone else is too...........xoxo

Sarah - Enjoy the wine. But I'm sorry you can.

Keely - Good luck on the holding out and hoping it brings a BFP.

AFM - 33 weeks. A couple of meltdowns at poor DH yesterday - I think he's wearing the results of me being stressed and exhausted. I've been nagging him about the jobs that need doing before the baby arrives and just didn't cope yesterday. Cue meltdown about the fact I've been pregnant for almost 18 months straight now and does he understand just how stressful that actually is. Not totally fair considering that he's very understanding and supportive but I'm not really convinced men really think about what it's like being pregnant and especially the responsibility that I feel about everything that goes in my mouth, noticing movements etc. Please don't read this as me complaining about being pregnant - I'm not and I know how lucky I am to be this far along when so many of you are still TTC. I just think I'm feeling more stressed as we approach the delivery. That's when all the unknowns turned in knowns last time and they were much much worse than any of the specialists expected.

Also, Matilda was delivered at 34 weeks after movements dramatically slowing on 33+6 and then stopping the next day. I think this is also playing on my mind. I hadn't said anything to DH about this and was wondering if he'd realise and he bought it up last night and does. So now I feel a bit bad about my meltdown at him.

On 4 tablets on Metformin now - will be insulin if this doesn't work. Arrgh.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there and sending a hug to anyone that needs one (most probably all of us....).

Maddie x

Sarah - I'm sorry that AF showed up. Hoping that next month brings you good news
Keely - wishing you all the best for a positive result
Maddie - I have no words, just hugs. I know this cant be an easy time at all

AFM - I am almost 14 weeks pregnant. After losing Connor, it was 5 months of fertility drugs then we gave up and went to IVF. After all that effort I thought a new pregnancy would bring some happiness. I was never deluded to think it would "fix" things, but the stress & anxiety has been crazy. We are just telling family that we are pregnant now and not looking forward to the new platitudes and crappy comments to come. I am back to counselling once a fortnight again, but looking at finding a meditation or yoga group to help with anxiety levels. I have however been sharply reminded I still have "dead baby flu"! Sister in law had her baby last week and she couldnt even tell us that she had her baby. Why is it that people cant tell you when they make their baby announcements for fear of upsetting you? Dont they actually realise it hurts MORE to not be told? Sorry, rant over.

I hope everyone else is going ok. Thinking of those who have birthdays and anniversaries coming up, those ttc, those going through pregnancy and those who have just had new arrivals.

Cindy x

Cindy - I knew being pregnant again wouldn't fix things but I do think that deep down I thought it would help. But like you said, the stress and anxiety are immense. I did find things improved after the 20 week scan so hang in there. Having said that, I'm still anxious and stressed.

I'm going to counselling every couple of weeks, my pysc every fortnight (was monthly in the middle), acupuncture once a fortnight, and a meditation group once a week. (all that makes me sound like a total nutcase)

I didn't tell most people for ages (until around 20 weeks) and wore clothes that hid the fact I was pregnant because I couldn't deal with people thinking 'oh good they're pregnant again, everything is OK now'.

Well, after my blood test results I fell into pieces, got lots of support from people and then decided to pull myself together and be brave. It might be my body is taking a long time. I've written off this cycle and when my period comes I'm going to take the Cabergoline tablet which I didn't take after Freddie died. I could have but I thought it would be healing for his milk to die off naturally. Well, it's nearly 5 months now and I'm done with finding milk after random hormone surges. I've got pregnant breastfeeding before so I don't suppose it will help but if i have got high levels of Prolactin kicking around still, you never know.

My doctor refused to give me progesterone to prolong my cycle.

I have a pre-pregnancy session with a consultant which hopefully I'll turn into a help me get pregnant meeting in early September.

I'm charting and CD14. Last month I got a surge on Day 13 - this month nothing so far. I suppose that fits with the high FSH level and maybe it won't happen this month. Maybe my body is just still really screwed up or maybe it is ovary death. Who knows.

Love and luck to everyone else.

I got a BFP last monday. To be honest, I'm kind of in shock. It doesn't feel real. I'm so thankful and lucky I got pregnant again, but I'm feeling a bit numb. I had a doctor's appt. last week to confirm with blood tests, and she called me back "with exciting news" but I missed the call, can't get ahold of her and will have to wait for the appt. tomorrow to find out for sure. I have a dating ultrasound next week as well. I've only told one person IRL, and I don;t want to tell anyone else till as late as possible (i.e when the baby's born) I'm trying to stay very positive, and not let my mind go to the dark places. But I'm sure some of you know, every twinge, cramp etc. has me fearing the worst. work has been super busy, and we're getting married on sat, so at least this week I have lots of distractions. I feel like I might need a meditation class or yoga every day for the coming months. (or if I could just turn off my brain, that would be great too!)

Thinking of everyone.

Oh Rachel :)

Thinking of you at the beginning of this journey :) May it be a happy one :)

rachel - the beginning is very scary, but i'm thinking of you and hoping - like merry - that it is a happy journey and you are able to find some calm.

cindy - i can completely relate. we didn't tell a lot of people until i was very far along - past the 20 week scan. surprisingly, when we did, i don't think people thought it was a cure-all but i do think they thought it would help. and i think it will if our son is born healthy. but until then ... its just a nerve-wrecking and very long trip.

sarah - i'll keep my fingers crossed for you for next month. i know it is no consolation, but enjoy the alcohol while you can.

merry - i saw your other post last night and wanted to respond. google is most definitely not your friend. early on in my pregnancy, i had a small complication, and my doctor told me not to worry. well, instead i turned to google, spent weeks thinking i was going to miscarry -- and for nothing. i know its hard, but i think it is best to trust the white coats -- or at least rely on them for answers -- if you can.

keely - i'm hoping this month is it for you!

maddie - oh boy can i relate. these last couple of months have been HARD. i am a nervous wreck. i can't concentrate, i worry about everything.

afm, i ended up in the hospital again yesterday -- this time my doctor sent me there because of elevated blood pressure readings and an elevated fetal heart rate. both (thankfully) came down after a while but i can't help thinking that every doctor's appointment now is a landmine. i never know what to expect, except that i always expect the worst. it is just beyond stressful. i went back last night and looked at my medical records for blythe and saw a smooth-sailing pregnancy: fluid was always good, blood pressure low, NSTs reactive. i don't know what to think but i am just preparing myself for another appointment tomorrow and what new minefields i will have to plough through.

i try to tell myself only one more week but yesterday i was also told by the nurse in the hospital that they would not schedule my c-section for sept. 2 (the date the doctor gave me) because i would only be 38 weeks, 6 days and not 39 weeks. oh brother. my doctor's office thought that was absurd, but now i need to figure out a new date.

much love to all.

Gayle - at my talk over about freddie they said that 38 weeks was a good scheduled time for a planned c/s - a happy medium between too early for baby and too late if any last minute issues occurred.

Start ranting at someone :)

That should say NOT too late. Honestly. I shouldn't be let out. Sorry.

It was supposed to be reassuring in the "they should shut up, 39 weeks is not the be all and end all" sort of way. Blah.

Gayle--hang in there! Only one more week! I am surprised they won't consider doing a c-sec before 39 weeks, I know that's "standard" protocol but you would think anything after 38 would be okay with them, considering. That's aggravating.

Maddie and Cindy--you guys hang in there too!

Rachel--congrats! If I am/get pregnant again, I'm not telling anyone that I don't have to tell until at least 20 weeks. At least. Assuming I even make it that far. Congrats on getting married too :)

Merry--I'm sorry everything is so frustrating right now. I hope the consultant can help you figure everything out. I wish there was a way to make things easier for you, it's just not fair to have to deal with all this after everything you have been through. xoxoxo

AFM, of course I didn't hold out and tested this morning. I got a really, really faint line, like I'm not totally sure, maybe I imagined it. So then at lunch today I took a digital and it said "not pregnant". So.....I don't know. I've heard sometimes the digitals will read negative because the line has to be a certain degree of darkness before the visual indicator thing kicks it to positive, but I have no freaking idea. This is why testing at 10dpo is a bad, bad idea.

CD35, no O, no nothing. I've been lightly spotting, really just tinged pink and brown CM for almost a week now.

I've entirely given up.

I have an OB appointment on 9-2. My woulda-been due date is 9-12. I'm feeling bogged down by how much time has passed, since the m/c, since we started trying originally before getting pregnant with and losing DS.

I don't know what the OB will do for me, but I will break down even more if there's no course of action I can do.

Oh Melissa. I really hope that the meeting with your OB can give you some idea of a way forward and that you can get some clue as to what is going on.

Keely - I hope that it is just a question of testing too early for the digital. Fingers crossed for you.

Gayle - what? I'm with your doctor's office, that seems absurd. I hope you can get a new date set up and just through these last few days. Thinking of you.

Rachel - congratulations on your positive test and on your wedding. I hope you have a lovely time on Saturday and a lovely healthy pregnancy to follow.

Merry - Hugs. I also thought my difficulties might be due to prolactin but apparently not.

Sarah - Enjoy your wine and you are entitled to the uglies. Hoping for good news for you soon.

Cindy & Maddie - Hang on in there.

Well I'm kind of back to square one. I went back to a (different) doc for a HyCoSy and both my tubes are open. Even the one that doctor 1 told me was almost certainly a bust, according to doctor 2 looks functional. Doc 2 thinks that everything looks good, in fact. So I'm pleased and relieved on the one hand, puzzled and kind of upset on the other. Because after nearly a year of trying, no dice and no explanation as to why. Don't really know what to think or where to go from here.

Thinking of all you guys. Pregnant mamas, hang in there. We're so hopeful for you.

And congrats to Rachel for joining their ranks-- take a deep breath. I can only imagine how this will feel if I can just get there. Happy for you and hope your wedding is wonderful.

Keely-- Crossing my fingers and toes that you're still just a little too early. That faint (invisible??) line is such a torment.

Catherine, Melissa, and Merry-- Hope you all start getting the answers you are looking for very soon. This must be so hard.

Sarah-- So sorry this wasn't the month. Drink all the wine you want.

After the chemical pregnancy last week, it looks like I'll ovulate in the next day or so (I have short cycles-- usually ovulate on CD10), but am feeling a little hopeless about it. I saw the OB last week and was a blubbering mess as I explained to her that Hudson had died, that I just had the CP and that I didn't really even know why I was in her office. She said she was sorry for our loss, but then pretty much counseled us as if I were any other person coming in after a CP and only 3 cycles of trying. I told her I was worried about low progesterone or luteal phase defect--since Hudson died, I've started a different pattern with my period, where I start to spot very lightly 4-5 days before my actual period is due, but my full period comes right on schedule, 14 dpo. But she said if I had LP defect, I'd have had that before my pregnancy with Hudson, too. At first she said we wouldn't do any fertility testing until we had been trying for a year, but when I told her I'd be 35 in January, she said maybe we could do a basic workup after 6-8 months. I guess I was hoping that after I told her what had happened to us, she'd sort of treat us with kid gloves, now and for the rest of the time if we manage to get pregnant. I definitely feel like I need kid gloves--even though my loss wasn't a pregnancy loss, I've still become "worst case scenario girl."

Anyway, maybe I'm just playing the game of low expectations so as not to get my hopes up, but I really am feeling a little hopeless and like we're just destined for secondary infertility. I know we are still so early in the process to worry about this, but really, having any difficulty TTC after my beautiful 17-month-old daughter died just feels like the universe is piling on. Every time my period comes just makes me miss her more, because if she were still with me, we'd be trying, but I certainly wouldn't be obsessing about it. Sigh.

Oh Mandy, I can just imagine you need treating with kid gloves and I know how it makes the loss worse when your period comes. It's awful.

I didn't have any issues with my cycle until I was trying for Freddie; somewhere between an accidental pregnancy in 2006, a coil and then a short period on the pill, my body went wonky. The only time in that 8-9 months when I went longer than 24 days was when I was pregnant with Freddie (and the whole no pregnancy while stressed thing is bumpf - that month I had one child in surgery and another broke her arm 4 days later!) Freddie was a twin initially and I'm convinced the tiny extra amount of progesterone the twin brought helped keep them going.

As for me, bah. Day15 and no ov yet and I'm not hopeful now really. If I can't get further than day 23, this cycle is a definite gonner.

Sarah - sorry about getting your period. Argh.

Keely - good luck, I was a POAS fanatic too although towards the end of TTC I would actually wait until the day my period was expected to try and save some $. That was a small miracle for me and took about 10 months of disappointment before I came to that.

Maddie - hang in there. You're doing great. Not much longer...and honestly, insulin isn't that bad.

Cindy - congratulations - the beginning is difficult when you being sharing the news. I think you're being realistic about people's reactions. Good luck.

Merry - I took cabergoline immediately after my stillbirth and it did stop my milk from producing. I also got my period back fairly soon afterwards (my Dr. mentioned it may do that). Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Rachel - that`s great news but I also know how scary it is too - hang in there as best you can.

Gayle - wow, you are ready, I`d say! I hope you can talk to someone sympathetic at the hospital. Good luck with everything.

Keely - hoping that the 1st test was right - any udpates?

Melissa - I'm sorry you're having a particularily bad month and feeling defeated. Big hugs.

Catherine - big hugs too. That's good news yet I can understand how you're confused. Are you going to take any steps like Clomid to potentially help things out?

Mandy - I'm sorry about the m/c. I had one after I lost Sam too and it was hurt on top of hurt, not what you need right now. ((Hugs)).

AFM, I'm 35 weeks and only 18 days to go until the scheduled day. Off work now and am mostly enjoying the free time although sometimes it feels like too much time on my hands, given I am doing nothing to prepare for this baby coming home. Weekly u/s and NST's from here on in and so far, so good (fingers crossed).

Wishing everyone luck this month and sending much love. xo

You hang in there too Monique! 18 days!!!! I hope they fly by.

Oh Mandy, I'm sorry you were a blubbering mess. I do think your OB and every other doctor should be treating you with kid gloves for sure. That being said, personally I think the CP is a good sign of your fertility, not a bad one, and that might be why your doc seemed unconcerned. At least that's what the docs told my sister, her very first pregnancy was a CP (she found out like two days after we found out about our son, that was a pretty kick ass week for my family). So I'm going to be hopeful even if you're not and wishing and wishing that this is your month.

AFM, no updates, except that I had a dental cleaning this morning and bled like a stuck pig, so that might be a good sign. Or it might just be a sign that my hygienist means business. No matter, I had the hubs hide all my tests and refuse to give them to me until Sunday, which would be the day I miss my period. The suspense kills me but the uncertainty is worse. Wishing you all health and happiness for the weekend!

Sort of a mess today, found out that after more than a year the Health Department investigation into my midwife has been quietly closed with no action. I was told off the record that the state is scared of being sued or being held liable in some way and so have chosen to do nothing. I feel ill.

Mindy - I'm so sorry - that's just awful. Was that your last option for action being taken against her? Just seems so wrong. Huge hugs and thinking of you.

Keely - I'll be crossing my fingers and hoping for good news from you on Sunday.

Monique - You're doing great too. You're almost there. Hope you find some way to fill the time in. I finished work yesterday too and am a bit worried about having free time to drive myself crazy.

Mandy - I think they should be treating you with kid gloves. I'm 29 and when I spoke to my ob after Matilda died about how long should I try before worrying, she said if nothing had happened after 6 months she'd do some basic testing then.

Catherine - Hope you're either pregnant or can find a way to help it along soon.

Melissa - Good luck for your appointment.

Gayle - That sounds ridiculous - can you get your doctor to push for the original date? Lots of my friends here (Australia) have had scheduled c-sections at 38 weeks.

Rachel - Congratulations. I was in shock and disbelief for a long time as well. It was just a matter of making it from appointment to appointment (I had them fortnightly until I could feel movement) for me. And yes, turning off our brains would be a good thin. Hoping you have a smooth and uneventful pregnancy.

Merry - Hope your body behaves itself this month.

Totally off topic - just realised we have lots of 'm' names in here :-)

My father and sister are both M-names, too. There was ~*a naming theme*~.

Oh Mindy - Fuck. That sucks. Is there any other recourse?

I just had a grief explosion - 5 months and 5 days after Foster died my dad referred to him as his grandson for the first time tonight. Sorry - off thread topic but man. I think I might be cried out but perhaps there's still more in there.

Thinking of everyone here, Hoping for BFPs and uneventful pregnancies.
(Keely - I'm sending you all the hope I swell up with each month hoping that this is your month.)

xo
S

Sarah - It's heartbreaking and sweet all mixed together.

Mindy - I'm sorry. No words, just big hugs. xoxo

Mindy, I don't know your story but that sounds bad :( I'm sorry :(

M names - eeek - is it an indicator for dead baby do you think? ;)

AFM - oh my,my poor little body is confused. Day16, still no OPK+ but loads of EWCM (eeeeew!) and the OPK lines are getting gradually darker. But my period would be due in 7 days now. Actually, I'm taking this all as something positive. It is more than evident that it is very confused and I'm just going to pray that at some point it goes "hey! I remember!"

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I have no idea what is going on with my body. I posted the other day that I thought I'd ovulate in a day or two because I started testing Tuesday, a week after my period (I've been pretty regularly getting a positive OPK on day 10), and got a faint line (I usually get those the day or so before a positive, which is a good early warning sign to get busy), but then another faint line on Wednesday, and then nothing yesterday, which is the day I'd usually get a positive. So either I ovulated really early (day 7 or 8) and was catching the downswing of the LH surge (meaning we probably totally missed it) or something else is going really wonky. Either way, it sucks. Either way, I am already so fucking tired of this. I am so sorry for all you mamas who have endured this process for way longer than I have-- right now, I really can't imagine that. I just miss my little girl so much and wish more than anything that she were here making me laugh, letting me be a mommy, so that all of this would not seem so fucking end-of-the-world to me. I am already looking up reproductive specialists like a crazy person.

Mindy, I am so sorry that you don't have the closure (such a totally inadequate word here, but so many words are inadequate in these shitty situations) that you want and need.

Sarah, so sorry for the renewed grief. The triggers are everywhere, none of it is linear, and even so, I keep trying to "anticipate" things, like that will ever work. Glad that you can come here for support.

Merry, fingers crossed for you.

mandy - i am so sorry. i wish i had some advice about ovulation/fertility but i don't understand much of it. a friend of mine had very good luck with the clearblue fertility monitor - not sure if that is an option for you.

sarah - that is so bittersweet. loving of your father, but i can see how that would pull you back into grief.

mindy - is there no other recourse against the midwife? i'm not sure where henry was born, but would they do any kind of investigation? there was no medical error in blythe's delivery or care but we encountered a couple of horrible doctors along the way. i think i pitched such a stink that the hospital conducted an internal investigation, which they shared with us. and in turn, i shared my opinion of their medical team's bedside manner. even though i doubt nothing will come from it from their end, it was helpful just to have someone listen.

as for me, i finally got my c-section date - a week from today. i am terrified. i keep hoping that i will go into labor and it will be precipitous and so the decision will be taken from me. but i know that is not realistic.

Blimey. +OPK - on day 17. With my period due in 6 days. Well that isn't going to work but at least I'm trying. *hollow laugh*

Maybe your period is not really due in six days, Merry. You and I have similarly short cycles, I think, and I am pretty sure I ovulated later this month -- at least, I'm on CD 28 with no period in site.

completely confused. for the first month fertility friend is confident about when i ovulated; however between a cold, alcohol intake, and irregular sleep patterns, i don't necessarily believe it's correct. if it is, then we've pretty much got no hope for this month as we DTD too early and too late to be in any useful timescale. but it would also mean that i'm going back towards my old pattern of ovulation - i always used to ovulate around day 17 but the last two cycles have been day 25 and day 24 - so day 20 would be good.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2f5722

it's weird though.... i'm exhausted even after plenty of sleep, my temps are pretty high for me (not triphasic though, they've just jumped higher than normal), and it's like someone's switched off my sex drive. which happened last time i was pregnant.

i've no idea when my period will be due. could be 5 days, could be 15. i'm going to spend the next couple of weeks trying not to drive myself mad, i guess.

merry if you ovulate late won't that just mean that your cycle is x number of days longer? your luteal phase length is usually constant so i would expect that if it's usually long enough you'll be ok. i think you still have a good chance for this month esp with the ewcm. keep trying....!

good luck to those trying; calm vibes to those who are pregnant. thinking of you all.