we had our appointment this afternoon.

i started to blog about this but want to keep the detail off there for the minute for various reasons so i'll put it here instead.

from the initial testing all is fine. D's sample was normal; my ovaries are doing exactly what they should, and there were no red flags indicating more testing would be useful.

i told the nurse that took my blood pressure that it would be sky high. it was 172/107. fckng hell. that's actually of the order that makes me want to go straight back to the doctor without passing go or collecting $200. i mean, i know i was stressed, and i'd just had a coffee, but still. that's stupidly high.

but the gynaecologist..... well.

the gynaecologist was very much of the opinion that stress is stopping us from getting pregnant. she says that in most cases after a traumatic loss like this women's bodies put the stoppers on things and won't let you get pregnant before you have dealt with the grief. she did acknowledge that this will never entirely go away and that 'when you're 80 you'll still remember', so i'm not entirely sure what the f she wants me to do.

she said she would really want me to be off the antidepressants before i got pregnant (pause here for hollow laughter) - because it's reactive depression not endogenous. she did not speculate about how i would cope with pregnancy without chemical help. but she didn't say she'd refuse to treat me if i was still on them and it came to that.

she reckons that fertility declines more from 37, not from 35, so i should stop worrying about that. she was pretty condescending about that in particular.

she asked an awful lot about the miscarriage, and i felt she dismissed the concerns that i raised from charting (lack of fertile cm, short luteal phase with temps dropping too early).

she told me to stop charting, because 'it wasn't helping me get pregnant, was it?'. which did nothing to help my blood pressure, believe me. i told her that was non negotiable.

we have an appointment to go back in january. a year from starting to try again. hoo fucking rah. we have to wait another four months.

oh, and she also seems to think that i should be off sick currently. she wouldn't acknowledge that going off sick would cause me at least as much stress as it relieved, even when D backed me up.

i feel so angry and so helpless. and i feel less capable of going to work and carrying on than i did before today's appointment. i just want to crawl in bed and stay there for a week.

I can totally understand your frustration. To have a doctor telling you your problem is stress is really frustrating. My doctor also tells me to stop charting and it really upsets me. It is ridiculous and unscientific. Where did they see that charting is actually bad if you want to get pregnant? I am thinking about switching doctors. Have you thought about doing the same?

Did get you hormones checked? Did they check your uterus? If they did and your are indeed fine, then try to relax. I mean, it can't hurt. Have you tried some kind of anxiety management therapy? I am currently looking into it. I did psychoanalysis therapy and it wasn't helping. My hormone test results were not very good. I haven't talked to the doctor yet, but I am very sad and scared. I am still 34! I do believe stress can mess up with hormones so I HAVE to try to cool down a little. Can you get some help in designing a strategy for controlling your anxiety?

Sorry the appointment was so frustrating. I was sure we wouldn't get pregnant quickly due the intense grief I was dealing with in January (2 months after Matilda died) because of what your doctor said - I just didn't feel like my body would. But I did.

Like Francisa said, there may be some truth in the stress hormones affecting things but as we all know just telling you to relax isn't going to help. Are you still doing the relaxation CDs?

Is it worth looking for a more supportive doctor?

I was already pregnant when my pysc suggested anti-ds - my ob was totally supportive of me going on them while pregnant (I didn't in the end but that was my decision).

Are you seeing a counsellor or pysc that can help you with techniques to deal with the stress?

Hang in there.

Maddie x

B - I'm really sorry your OB seemed like such an idiot. That's just shitty. Do you have the option in your system to look for another? (We can in Ontario, Canada, but it's frowned upon a bit. Still - chemistry and philosophy is important when dealing with a practitioner.)

Sending you hugs (and if we were near each other I'd suggest a long walk with a tea at the end)

Sarah

Sorry the appointment didn't go well and was so frustrating. It's hard to be less stressed when in the stressful situation you are currently in. It's unfortunate that she dismissed some of your concerns. I agree with those above, is it worth seeking out another doctor? You are going to need a lot of support with the next pregnancy, and this care provider may not be the one for you in that situation. Again, I'm sorry the appointment was disappointing.

B
Kick her to the curb.
You deserve excellent health care right now, not sub par power tripping.
People get pregnant on antidepressants ALL THE TIME. I work in health care. I am cringing. Sorry she sucked.
Good luck.
Diana

B I am so sorry to hear about your appointment. It sounds frustrating to say the least. Like others have said is there a possibility you can look for another more supportive Dr. I was seeking fertility help 2 months after losing Connor and did run into a speed bump with my GP, but once I got past her and into my OB they were all quite supportive. I started IVF 6 months after, I am also 35 and also raised my concern for my age. I dont know that there is any merit in what your Dr is saying because you will find there are a tonne of women out there who have concieved shortly after the death of their babies, and like others have said pregnant women do also take antidepressants which are safe during their pregnancies too. I hope you are ablet o find someone who is more supportive.
Sending hugs your way

thank you, thank you all. it helps that you understand.

i should say that my husband thinks she wasn't that bad and was only trying to help.

i don't actually know whether i could see someone else. i mean, i'm sure i could ask for a referral to a different centre, but this is one of the leading fertility research places in the country. i'm not sure if i could switch to someone else. but i think what i will do is put my concerns in writing and send them in and see what they say.

they gave me a transvaginal (is that right?) ultrasound. no blood tests. i was so upset by the time we were finished that i didn't even think to ask. maybe i'll ask my GP if there's any chance of doing the blood tests at the docs instead so i don't have to go back.

the frustrating thing is that i was quite happy when we went in. scared as hell, but i wasn't exhausted and crying like i was when i came out.

if i get pregnant before january i won't have to have anything more to do with her. let's hope for that eh?

i've dropped off on doing the relaxation cds the last few days but will get back to it.

i think i need to make an appointment with my GP about my blood pressure, i need to know it's not still that high.

i also found out that the one thing i thought i knew was wrong. they told me when they did the scan that it looked like the baby had a growth on its neck. but the gynaecologist told me that there wasn't anything mentioned in the report. so there was nothing wrong with it. just the whole 'being dead' thing.

i want to be pregnant. but more than that i want my baby back. it's not fair.

i feel like i had a nicely healing scab and she's scraped it off with a knife, in layers. i'm sure she would argue that she was letting out infection from underneath. but i was doing ok yesterday, until that.

again, thank you all for understanding. it really helps.

Oh B. I'm sorry that your appointment was so frustrating and upsetting and that you found out more about your baby under these circumstances when you should have been informed all along. They should have let you know earlier. Of course you want your little one back my dear.

As you know we are in the same country and trying to negotiate the same healthcare system. So I can tell you that my GP did my blood tests at the surgery and the results also went back there. So you shouldn't have to go back for that if you don't find this particular consultant very helpful. It's not nice to feel condescended to.

I can also say that the consultant I saw did not mention stress, grief or being on antidepressants. Not a dicky bird.

I'm so sorry that it wasn't a more positive experience. Fingers crossed for lovely news before January for you and D. xo

Ugh, that is disappointing a frustrating. Even though this office is "the best" i would see about getting a second opinion elsewhere.

one of my friends who lives round here went to a different place and they were AMAZING. hers were very different circumstances but they did loads of stuff for them for free that she should have paid for - the surgeon offered to operate for free and loads of amazing stuff like that. and the reason my friend went there is because they have the second highest success rate at IVF in the country (at least they did at the time she did her research). so if i go somewhere else it'll be there.

thinking about it another friend of ours went there too. she also has a beautiful baby girl.

thanks for that catherine, i'll definitely ask for the blood tests at my docs.

fingers crossed that we don't need to go back.

thanks melissa too.