I don't know if it is just me who does this. I'm a worrier at the best of times but the combination of struggling to get pregnant with him, then losing him and now struggling to get pregnant again has got me beginning to spiral out of all control.

I've been struggling with a pain in my side for a while, even when I was pregnant I'd get a stabby feeling in my cervix (or so it felt) - and I've had low back pain for years, I know that really. Even the side pain had been there for a while.

But this week (with smear test due this week) I'm in bits. Pain in side, occasional cervix stabs and really grinding lower back pain have got me convinced that the only logical next step is for me to have cervical cancer and have to have everything removed. Right now. Cue end of all chance of baby, probable death, end of world for my girls. Even knowing my osteopath can fix my back really quickly isn't helping me be logical about it.

None of this is being helped that after I finish my period I get occasional spotting for a few days. Now really, I know that this is because i recently had a baby and I've always been breastfeeding, or not delivered vaginally and things are taking time to heal. And it will be okay. And I probably actually don't have cancer.

And it isn't helping me to try and be logical. Not. At. All. because now I know how wrong things can go, I don't have any faith in anything at all.

I'm a worrier too Merry. I think after watching your baby die you can't help but be a worrier. I worried before Charlotte died and now I'm a constant ball of anxiety. I know exactly where you are coming from and I would reassure you that everything is going to be okay, but I know how empty that promise seems.

Thinking of you this week. I hope the worry abates some and your appointment goes well.

Merry, I totally get you. I, too, have always been a worrier but, when one of the worst things that you can imagine does in fact happen to you, how can you not spiral out of control?? Hopefully that anxiety will abate over time.

As for your health concerns, I am sure that all will be fine... but you are doing the right thing by getting everything checked. At least then your mind can be at ease (at least on this count!).

Wishing you luck.

The same hear. Every word you said describe my feelings and thoughts. How can we control anxiety? I really need to have it under control. It is killing me and I am afraid it will harm my marriage.

I didn't have cancer. I also had pain and still spot a lot. I don't think you have cancer either. the best thing to do I believe is to see a doctor that you trust and that will run tests to show you you are fine.

Hugs

Merry, I didn't dare voice this while pregnant (except to my dh), but I was so terrified of dying in labour, doesn't help that the grave next door but one to Florence is a young woman who died suddenly after giving birth just a few weeks after I had Florence. I look at her grave every time we visit.
I'm still not entirely convinced I'm not gonna just die, for me it's breast cancer (very strong family history) I keep thinking the reason Ernest is struggling with bfing is because he has to be used to bottles for when I'm gone.
I'm hoping these thoughts are normal for women like us.

x

Oh Jeanette.

I really know. So much of my life seems ot have led me to preparing for this point that now I almost wonder if Freddie has died because I am going to have another now and then I will die, in the way that all the shroud waving predicted when I vbac'd from the first time. Freddie has died so my girls will be prepared when I die. I spent so much time saying "if a birth is dreadful a live outcome doesn't make it okay for the traumatised mother" and now I'm having to acknowledge that while that is true, live is better than not live. I'm being humbled by my own words and fears. It's awful.