I ovulated, woot woot. Quite an accomplishment (at less than eight weeks out) in my book. Now the 2WW begins. How goes it for everyone else? Thinking of you guys xo

I went for the hormone test today. I will have the results on Friday.

Keely - Good luck!

I am 28 weeks, will be 29 on Wednesday. I have frequent panic attacks, about the baby and movement. I am always scared that when I feel her move it may be the last time. And the times when she is quiet, I get so scared. I still cannot bring myself to buy anything yet.

My peri said I don't have to come back until September, as everything looks good, baby was over 2 1/2 pounds, and my cervix was still closed. I was going every two weeks because of the LEEP/Cone biopsy I had several years ago. Now my OB has me going every two weeks. I'm just so fearful . It is going to be a long 11 1/2 weeks.

Still not ovulating, still no fertile signs at all. Farted away another day procrastinating and avoiding instead of calling my OB. Maybe I'll be better tomorrow.

Thanks Eliza!

Keely - Huzzah for ovulating.
Paula - sending you peaceful thoughts.
Francisca - I hope the test gives you some answers.
Melissa - I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I'm 3dpo and trying to relax and focus on being positive about our chances this month. I'm also thinking of joining a weight loss group for some real life support. Otherwise I'm trying to just wait until 14dpo to test. (See - I'm presuming that 1) we'll catch this month and 2) that it'll implant, be viable and my LP will be long enough.)

Paula, that sounds so difficult. You know we are all here to listen to you vent anytime you need and hopefully that helps just a little bit.

It's 6 DPO here. I have lots to do before the 2ww is up as we are leaving for a week at a cabin with friends on 11 DPO. My plan is to POAS the morning we leave because if I'm not, I can sit in the hot tub and drink mojitos with my friends every night or I'll be pregnant and can happily cheer them on.

Sarah, good for you even thinking about weight loss group. I just am stuck in this weird place where I have almost no clothes to wear but can't make myself do anything about it. (Can't wear the maternity clothes because I'm not pregnant and can't wear my regular clothes because they don't fit due my left over belly) Ugh.

Back on another cycle - the good side to 24 day ones is they come round more often I guess. *roills eyes* had a progesterone test on day 22 which had a level of 17 but evidently should have had it earlier as even if I ovulated on day 14/15 I came on on day 24 so it was too late. had an FSH/LH test done yesterday. Poor blood women - I had a flashback on the bed, burst into tears, told her all about Freddie and then looked at her face and immediately knew she "knew". She sat down next to me and said "I know you don't believe me, but one day you will be able to live with this" and I just felt so sad for her.

It was the end of a long day; dropped two of my girls somewhere I'm nervous about them being and there was a boy in reception in a wheelchair, obviously a mild to moderate Cerebral Palsy child and my heart just bled. I could have loved Freddie if he'd been like that. I could have managed.

Then I got i the car, turned on the radio and I swear, the radio said, first sentence "Our lives have just been blown apart by the death of our eldest son." Couldn't turn it off - I was like a car crash in slo-mo. Listened, sobbing, for the entire drive home. Every bloody song made me cry more.

I am having the longest most awful period of my life. Even though we weren't trying (and aren't supposed to be trying) this cycle I hoped to get pregnant by magic and I was a little disappointed when AF showed up. Hoping the doctor will let us start ttc in September, but October is more likely. On day six of this period and wondering if it will ever stop.

Angela - Ugh to awful periods. The second one I had was heavy and horrible. Hope it stops soon and you get the go ahead to TTC. Is your doctor waiting for anything in particular? My ob was happy to let us try after I'd had two periods.

Merry - Hugs - sounds like a rough day.

Cara - Hope you're cheering them on.

Sarah and Keely - Hope the wait passes quickly.

Melissa - Hope today was better and your ob can help.

Paula - I'm 32 weeks so not far ahead of you. We just started buying things a couple of weeks ago. My pysc told me that at the end of the day the baby won't care if we're organised or not. In some ways getting ready helps me forget all of this sometimes for brief moments and really think there might be a baby to come home and use this stuff.

Francisa - Hope the results shed some light for you.

Me - DH just got home from work so I'll be back later with my update.

I'm back - DH down in the shed putting paint stripper on the baby's drawers.

Had a scan on Monday morning and the baby's growth is good - measuring in the 40th percentile still and not too fat around the belly (can be a problem with GD). Another scan in 4 weeks - I asked for one and then the doctor tells me that my ob would've done one anyway because things can change quite quickly with GD - not really what I wanted to hear but glad they're keeping a close eye on me.

Saw my pysc on Monday afternoon and I must sound like I'm coping less and less well - we'd just gone to fortnightly appointments and after Monday he wants to see me next week. I was really tired that day and getting high bsls which was stressing me out so might have just been a bad day.

Started on Metformin last Thursday for the GD and it was working wonderfully for the first couple of days and then the readings went up again on Monday and Tuesday which had me quite stressed. Then have been back down again the last couple of days - no idea what's going on.

Baby is kicking a lot which is reassuring but have moments of panic (especially when I wake up in the night) waiting for him to move. And I'm just getting more anxious towards the end I think. Also we're approaching the gestation Matilda stopped moving and was delivered at.

Hi and hugs to everyone else.

Maddie x

So many hugs to all you brave mamas overcoming your fears. I hope it is OK that I post here-- I have a slightly different situation in that we are TTC after the sudden death in May of our 17-month-old daughter, Hudson, from meningitis. There's another online forum I post in regularly, but there are a few people I know there "in real life" who I am not ready to know that we are TTC, so I'm hoping it's OK for me to post here.

My husband and I planned to start trying for a sibling for Hudson in late spring of this year, hoping to space them about 2-2.5 years apart. Instead, we are now planning for a second child who will be the oldest. That alone has me in all kinds of knots-- there is guilt in both directions, towards both children. It's horrible.

We had no problems conceiving our sweet Hudson (did it in the third month after being off all birth control and the first month we were really timing things). This time, I've used the OPKs every month, and have just had my first chemical pregnancy on our third cycle-- faint positives at 12 and 13 DPO, then a test with a barely visible line, then my period started yesterday. I was just sure that it was going to work this time. If we try next cycle (mine are 23-24 days), we are risking a due date that could allow our second child to be born on the anniversary of the day Hudson died, which I'm just not sure I could stand. I want my second child's birthday to be entirely his/her own, not shared with the saddest date in our lives. But if we wait two more cycles, we're delaying the only thing that I know will bring me some joy in this awful nightmare.

This may not be the right thread to be posting this, and I'm very sorry if not. Having this chemical pregnancy has just thrown me for a loop and I don't know what to do. I'm worried that there may be a reason for it (I'll be 35 at this delivery, so I'm AMA and all the kinks that come along with that), that if I do get pregnant, there will be some catastrophic complications, that we're in the beginnings of secondary infertility, that my dead daughter may have been my only chance to have a child of my own. I know it's way too early for all of that worry, but this is what grief does to us, isn't it?

I'm going to see the OB this morning. Will have to tell her and the nurses for the first time about my sweet Hudson, which will be wretched. But hopefully I'll get some reassurance that this is just a blip.

Again, so sorry if this is the wrong place for this.

I'm thinking of you all. Hoping that some of you get some answers soon and that there are many BFP's this month. I am hoping and cheering along with you all. As for the other pregnant women, hang in there as best you can and do whatever you need to do to get through this. It's not easy.

Me, I had a scan and NST on Monday and baby is doing well. Measuring in the 50th percentile (also have GD). Will be going for scans and NST's weekly now for my reassurance more than anything. Movement is still v. loaded for me but baby is moving lots so it's been reassuring - but those quiet times kill me.

I'm thinking of you all and keeping everything crossed. Sending much love.

It's the perfect place, Mandy. You are very welcome here.

You are right - this is what grief does to us. Our deepest fears somehow manage to present themselves to us as a sixth sense - we believe we 'know' our future now, and (naturally) it's a hopeless one. Once bitten, a very long time shy. But it's all a very powerful illusion.

I would encourage you to try again next cycle. It's so hard to wait, and given that full-term babies who come of their own accord can choose anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks to be born, you've got a one in 35 chance of hitting Hudson's anniversary. I know odds aren't much comfort to any of us anymore - but, as an outsider, I wouldn't place a $50 bet on you making that date. Your OB may even agree to induce you a little early to save you and your body the stress, if it looked like being a real threat. And that's if you do conceive next month. It's more likely to take a few more cycles, and this way you'll be one month closer.

I see the chemical pregnancy as a good sign rather than a sign of the start of secondary infertility. Just as with Hudson, you got pregnant very quickly. You're probably in fine working order.

I can't imagine how it must be for you to have lost Hudson as a beautiful little 17-month girl. Many of us here fear getting to the same point in our pregnancies as when we lost our babies. For you to have to get through at least 26 months before breathing out - wow. But you've come to a lovely, supportive place, and we'll be here alongside if you need us.

How's this for a bad fertility omen? I was going to take my prenatal vitamin this morning and it fell into my LC's IKEA potty. Yes all the prenatal vitamins I have taken in the last 20 months could have been thrown in the toilet for all the good they have done me.

Mandy, you do belong here.Just because you had more time with Hudson than the rest of us had with our babies doesn't change the fact that you are trying to have a baby after a loss. I'm sorry you have to join us and that Hudson isn't here with you.

Hang in there Maddie, Monique and Paula. You are giving the rest of us hope.

Sigh - went to a prenatal yoga class this evening - what the $#! was I thinking? Arrived early (big mistake) - all the chatter and small talk nearly killed me. Have you finished your nursery? Do you have a doula? I mean, it's normal but it made me feel so not normal. Luckily, no one asked me any questions and I kept my mouth shut but don't think I'll be going back - even though I did enjoy the class. Just had to vent a little...totally off topic.

Monique, I will mail you my prenatal yoga and pilates DVD's. They are just sitting here. Seriously, I got them and never used then while pregnant with Reid, I was just too tired. Now they are just taunting me. Maybe I will need them again by the time you are done with them?

Hi everyone, it's been awhile but I wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. Vivien is 4 weeks old now and I'm just now starting to wrap my mind around all of this new baby stuff. There's lots of sadness and lots of happiness and lots of emotional stuff tucked away that I am certain is making me a very weird person to talk with in real life. I'm feeling like I'm in a strange in between land, and Im not sure where I belong, or if I still deserve support or if Im just being whiny because I still feel so much grief over losing Henry. I just dont know what normal is anymore. That said I'm thankful, so thankful, to have Vivien here with me in my arms. I've even let her nap a few times without her breathing monitor (Snuza Halo -- not because she "needs" it, but its for my peace of mind) and that felt like a small victory.

Much love to all!!

Monique - Completely with you on that one. I thought about going to prenatal yoga classes for ages but decided against because of just what you've described. At the first aid course we did a few weeks ago there was another pregnant women and a couple with their 4 month old there - they gravitated to each other and started discussing all things pregnancy related while I just tried to avoid eye contact for the entire day. I'm sure they thought I was some sort of snobby so and so.

Then we went to the BF course last weekend. I made sure we weren't really early but still had to sit there for quite a while and listen to all the 'normal' pregnancy chatter. Both experiences made me realise just how different pregnancy is for people who haven't been through something like us. And a bit sad that it'll never be like that for us.

Mandy - you're in the right place. I'm so sorry you have to be though. I hope you find some support here.

Mindy - You belong and still deserve our support. So glad Vivien is doing well. I keep telling people that our baby arriving won't fix things or make us 'better' but I'm not sure how that really looks in reality so it's good to hear about other's experiences if that makes sense. We've got a breathing monitor as well.

Me - Feeling more anxious as the days go by. Not sure if it's the erratic bsls, approaching 34 weeks (when Matilda was delivered), or just getting closer to the end. Found myself drinking ice water to get movements today for the first time. They started again but I'm sure it won't be the last time I get that awful feeling that they're not going too.

Maddie x

Cara - thanks so much, that's very sweet. I actually have a DVD but sometimes I'm not the most self-motivated person so thought going to a class would make me do it, now, I kind of feel like the DVD is the better choice so hopefully will put it on! I hope you get to use it soon.

Mindy - I'm sure this time is so bittersweet with happiness and grief all mixed together. Be gentle with yourself.

Maddie - I know as I get closer to the time I delivered Sam I'm getting more and more anxious. I know it's arbitrary but 37 weeks still scares me. Hang in there.

xoxo

Thanks so much for the kind welcome, everyone ("welcome" seems a totally inappropriate word here, but I don't know what else fits, either). It is hard to imagine, as you said, moops, waiting another 26 months before we're back in the place we were with our lovely girl. Thanks for the positive way of looking at the CP. I hadn't thought about it that way, but it does at least tell us that the most important things are working the way they should, I guess. It just seems so terribly unfair, like the world's worst cosmic insult to injury, that any of us should have difficulty TTC after what we've already lost. My best friend is concerned that adding all the stress and worry of TTC on top of the really acute grief I am still suffering right now may be too much. But she also knows, like I already mentioned, that getting pregnant is the one thing that is likley to bring me some joy. And as she says, even though it will be joy mixed with pain, it has to be better than just pain. And I also think you are right that skipping next cycle on the very off chance that the next baby will share that very sad day with Hudson doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm way too practical to skip it, anyway. But the possibility of the shared date just adds more sorrow to this process that should be joyful, but is instead, very bittersweet, and unfortunately, more bitter than sweet right now.

Monique-- I haven't gone through this yet, but I can say that I tried a few yoga classes after Hudson died and I was just overwhelmed by being quiet with my thoughts for all that time. Especially at the end, during the relaxation period, which is horribly called "corpse pose." There wasn't a single class I went to where I didn't cry, which is really embarrassing in front of 20 people you don't know. I really like the yoga, but it was just too much for me. And I both look forward to and dread going to a prenatal yoga class when the time comes-- seeing all those women who are still happy and naive, and communing with the life inside me all the while thinking about the life that was with me but is no more. It's almost too much to bear even thinking about. You were brave for going.

I don't know you all yet, but hope to get to know you as time goes on. Everyone keep hanging in there and thank you for giving me some hope.

Oh man, I agree about the yoga. There is no way I could sit there in that kind of quiet for all that time. Esepcially if it was prenatal yoga. No way.

I have a friend who is newly pregnant right now and the other day on FB she posted about how she was having a horrible day, and I knew she had an ultrasound scheduled for that day so of course I freak out thinking something is wrong and call her immediately. And when I talk to her, she's just like, oh no, everything's fine, they just made me wait for 30 minutes in the waiting room and I'm pregnant, they shouldn't do that.

It's amazing to me now what constitues a horrible day to some people.

Mandy.....I am so so so sorry about the CP. The hits just keep on coming, huh? I am wishing so hard that it will stop for you.

Maddie, Monique and Paula....I agree with Cara. You guys give us hope.

Mindy....I certainly don't think that you should feel guilty about still mourning for Henry. Surely everyone realizes that the addition of one baby doesn't make up for the loss of another. And if they don't, they're dumb.

I'm now 4dpo and have officially taken myself off Diet Coke. Which is not an easy thing for me. I keep telling myself that it's only for a week. Or maybe I will be pregnant.......but that's almost too much to hope for these days. xoxo

On a much-needed (at least in my case) lighter note, your post just made me laugh out loud, Keely! I, too, am a total addict living on the on-again, off-again Coke diet (unfortunately, I drink the full-octane version). On again for a week or two now, thank goodness-- I really needed it. I will hope, for your sake, that you are OFF for a good long while. Hugs.

Mandy, Keely - I do the same with some things too. I try and decline during the 2ww until AF shows and I can go have fun again. Mostly wine. :-P

Oh expecting Mama's - when I read the posts with fear and uncertainty, I wish I were with you, just holding a hand, sharing some strength.

AFM - 6dpo. I broke down and POAS this morning (duh) and then stared at it like it held the mysteries of the universe. I can tell you that there was no line and I did not learn the Caramilk secret. Maybe next week (for both). I'm crampy, and yesterday I had full on metal-mouth which was both annoying (EEEW) and exciting. It's not as noticeable today but I'm looking for signs everywhere so I think I'm just nuts.

I'm trying to hold off testing until after Monday. If I make it to Monday without AF it will mark the longest LP since Foster, and that in itself will be exciting.

Sending love to everyone.
S

I'm waiting for my husband to be ready to try again. And it sucks.

We're doing really well (honestly, truly, really really well). I want another, and he wants another, but he says Not Yet. And it's not fucking fair. It's like the first of one billion steps, and I have to stand here, not taking it. Not Yet.

Of course he gets a say, and I want us to be in it together. But it bothers me that he has no "good" reason.

i am 37 weeks now, c-section in 13 days. i spent yesterday in l&d after my doctor suspected low fluid, which (thankfully) turned out not to be low.

i am pretty terrified at this point. we don't really have a safe harbor or a date that i can look to to get past because we lost blythe during labor and delivery at 40 plus weeks. yesterday, when my doctor suggested that if my fluid was really low, he was going to deliver me, i was in a total state of panic. i am nervous about having a c-section, nervous about not having a c-section and just generally fearful. since blythe was our first, i don't have an experience of labor and delivery that is not horrific and part of me can't imagine it any other way.

my husband said yesterday (as he was pacing the floors waiting for the ultrasound) that we have never wanted and worked so hard for anything in our life. i think that is right. i am not a religious person but i still find myself praying every day that this little guy is healthy and makes it into this world healthy.

Ah Gayle. I have so much sympathy with that. I've had every type of delivery and labour going (or so I joked, pre-Freddie) and none of them great. Then finally I got a straight forward easy one and he died. Not fair at all. After sections that left me frightened (not elective ones) and births that went well and ended in dead babies, I feel like I have no safe options at all. It is like standing on that game of minefield and knowing every single square has a bomb but you still have to move. Just awful.

Hi Gayle, I am so sorry about your sweet Blythe and sorry that you are stressed. You are so close and I just have to believe that everything will be fine for you because otherwise this world is just a big shithole. Random question....since you lost Blythe during labor and delivery, does the doctor think it's safer to do a c-section this time around? I'm really just curious, we never got to that point with our son but I know next time I will be a basket case and am wondering about c-sec versus vaginal............

Nobody really knows what happened last time; there are a number of theories - cord accident, small placenta, compressed blood vessels - but nothing definite. What they know is that at some point, during the very end of labor, Blythe lost all oxygen to her brain. She was born with a heartbeat but had severe hypoxic ischemia and could not breathe on her own nor did she have much in the way of brain function. We took her off life support a few days after she was born. It was just awful.

So, the doctors this go around have been really open with us. Because we have moved cities (something I do NOT recommend if you are going through a pregnancy after loss!), I have seen a host of doctors and each has recommended a c-section (although each has also been open to a vaginal delivery).

For me, every time I go on the heart monitor, I freak out and It makes me think that I probably could not handle another vaginal delivery, particularly since I know that some drop in heart rate during labor is not abnormal. But I am so scared of a c-section since it is major abdominal surgery and we are hoping at some point to have other children and c-sections come with all kinds of risks for that. So I have really struggled with it.

I think the best advice I got was from my doctor back in Boston who said two things: (1) Just plan for what you can handle today and (2) she told me that if it were her or her sister, she would have a c-section because you can't argue with a healthy baby.

Gayle-- So sorry that this anticipation is filled with fear instead of joy. Sending you every good vibe and wish and feeling very confident that all will be OK for you.

Gayle :( So similar to Freddie - he had a rock solid heartbeat but wouldn't breathe and we don't know why. He did come round and lasted 11 days but then got a chest infection, went back on oxygen and died very suddenly. Having no answers is just terrible, really awful.

Because of my checkered birth history I had a choice to have him as a vbac or c/s - i chose vbac but I had a deep seated feeling in me that all was not well. I really think that had he been born by section, he would have had the same problems. Doesn't make choices if I get a next time any easier and I guess no advice could help you either.

I think, honestly, when you get to the few days before, you'll just know what feels right. many hugs.

Thanks so much Gayle. I kind of feel the same way as your doc in Boston.....even though there are risks for c-section it just seems so much less traumatic for the baby (although more traumatic for you). But then there is this other side of me that argues that babies are supposed to come out of the nether regions and that's how I should leave it. Why I am worrying about this stuff when I am not even pregnant, I have no freaking idea. I am a true nut job.

I agree with the other girls, I think there is no wrong answer and when you get there, you'll know what's right. Hugs hugs hugs and I hope the next 13 days pass quickly for you. xoxo

Gayle, my daughter Nevan passed away the same way as Blythe. Sometime at the end of labour, all oxygen was cut off to her brain. They could revive her at birth, but she was brain dead and died the next day. I remember immediately after saying to the doctor that next time I'd for sure have a planned c-section. I didn't think I could handle the stress of a vaginal delivery (we don't know when or why the oxygen was cut off - just sometime right near the end). But, we also want to have more than one more child (if were that lucky) and I wonder of the chance of a vaginal birth after a 2 c-sections, or just having more and more c-sections. My doctor did say the advantage of planned c-section was that everyone would be there and ready, as opposed to frantically paging people in the middle of the night. This must be the most difficult decision for you, and I'm wishing you peace, and that the next couple of weeks pass quickly.

I am CD30 now, with no O and no signs of even trying to. I have an appointment in with my OB for Sept. 2nd to get looked at.

I am getting so weary of all of this.

I've also been trying to exercise to lose a little weight and be in better shape (I have like 10-15 pounds to lose) and my bum knee is making this really hard on me. It's just frustrating. I feel so broken all over.

cd15. my husband is currently off work sick with severe piles (is that a brit term? hemorrhoids). there is no way in hell we can manage to do the necessary atm. and then we can't do anything sun-tues as we've got the fertility appointment and sperm analysis tuesday, then i'm away next weekend.

our chances this month have gone from small to vanishing. what are the odds of me managing to ovulate to suit that timetable?

it must be so hard to decide on c-section or not. i was always so anti sections if not entirely necessary. now, at the least hint of anything going wrong i would be shouting for one. alive trumps 'natural childbirth', every time.

what a nightmare melissa. i hope your knee gets better soon and that you ovulate too and that this cycle's just a one off.

It is incredibly difficult. I chose vba3c because my sections had been traumatic for me (the last one so much that my husband left the room thinking I had died). I'm caught between so many rocks and hard places now - Freddie's birth was just so smooth; 3 hours established labour, no hitches, easy delivery, great heartbeat but his cord bloods showed he had been slowly starving of oxygen for a long time before, it wasn't a cord accident. I have no idea if he'd be alive if I had had a 39 week c/s but I'm clinging to the 2 dreams I had during pregnancy, both that I was sat looking at a baby who wouldn't open his eyes, and hoping that he was just never meant to be.

If I manage to get pregnant again (and it looks deeply unlikely I think right now) I'm hoping the options will become clear because I'm terrified of every option.

All that said, the one time I had a really easy section was for my 3rd daughter who had a presenting cord - it was easy and lovely and joyful and done well and not frightening becasue I knew it was the sensible option and everyone made it good.

Keely - Hope you're hanging in there without the coke. And ugh about your friend's 'horrible' day.

Sarah - Hope you get two big lines when you test again.

Gayle - Hang in there. I don't really feel like we have a 'safe point' either because despite all the complications during my pregnancy Matilda was still expected to be OK in the long run - it was only once she was delivered that we found out things were much more severe than expected.

I'm having a repeat section - because I've already had one the choice wasn't as hard for me but I do worry what it means for future pregnancies. But like you I just don't think I'd cope with labour and would end up screaming for a section anyway. Earlier in the pregnancy I was talking to a friend who's very pro natural birth and had a drug free birth for her first and without me even bringing it up she asked 'you'll be having another c-section won't you - I would'. And it's painful for the first couple of days but the recovery wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

Rachel - Both are possible - vb after 2 c-sections or multiple c-sections. I know a couple of women who've had 4 c-sections.

Melissa - Hope the ob can help.

B - Sorry the timetable doesn't look good but hope the appointments can give you some hope.

AFM - Swinging between awful anxiety and brief periods of hope. It's a bit like when the grief first started to lift a tiny bit and the down periods actually seemed worse because I had something to compare them too. If that makes sense (I'm also getting more scatter brained it seems).

Finishing work this work (working 2 days a week so 2 days to go).

And touch wood the GD seems to have calmed down a bit from earlier in the week. Fingers crossed.

Ladies, this is going to sound terrible, but thanks for posting about the yoga classes! It brought sort of a wry smile to my face.

I just had to sit through this whole blessing ceremony and mass for my new workplace followed by an inservice. Then at one point, the speaker who liked to joke a lot made a joke and then asked "How many of you have daughters?" I sat there and stared at my mourning ring, twisting it. That same day someone asked me how soon I was due because, well, as a catholic facility, they're used to looking, and I'm starting to show although I've been trying to hide it.

Oh the days (just 5 months ago) when I thought the worst thing that could happen to me, pregnancy wise, was another c-section. I was trying for a vbac but I actually felt okay about the c-section while being wheeled into the operating room because I had a "good try" at a natural delivery and now I would get to meet my baby. No more vbac's for me though, one unexplained, "not sure when it happened" infant death is all I can take.

As for my TTC status, it's 11 DPO, I POAS this morning and despite staring very hard, there was no second line (and I didn't learn the Caramilk secret either, which I thought my name would entitle me to as a consolation prize). So it's not my month, but I will console myself with many, many mojitos and beerqueritas and much hot tubbing while on vacation this week.

Love to all and I hope to read about many BFP's and still holding on pregnant mama's when I get back in a week.

D has now decided that we need a month off from trying. but we still DTD yesterday, and we'll still do it next week before i go away for the weekend. so i guess by 'not trying' he means 'not expecting anything to happen this month'. which doesn't make anything any different to me, really.

i joined a gym that i will almost certainly leave if i get pregnant. in the hope fate will make me pregnant now, so i have to leave even though i like it.

we are going to see two bands at the end of the year, one in november and one in december. today i kind of think it would be nice not to be pregnant on those days. so i didn't have to worry about whether the noise is damaging the baby. so that i'd be able to have a beer (or two) those nights.

you know what? although i want to be pregnant again, really badly, it's just occurred that l'm also really terrified of it. but i want the prize, so guess i'd better suck it up.

merry, i hope that it happens, and i hope that things become clearer.

maddie i just worked out what AFM means and am unreasonably excited! as for me, right? i'm glad the GD is calming down and i'm hoping so hard that everything goes smoothly for you.

anonymouse that sounds so hard. hope you're ok.

i'm sorry it's not your month cara but i'm glad you get to drink while you're away!

Rachel, my consultant had happily delivered by c/s women who had had 6 sections with no concerns about how many repeats - the days of 3 sections and you're out are long gone.. He didn't bat an eyelid at me having a vba3c after - and whatever happened to Freddie, it wasn't the vbac side of it that did it. They've already said if i got have another, I can obviously choose a c/s but that there is no guarantee Freddie wouldn't have been born flat even by c/s. I'd had one vbac though, my second daughter, so we did know that I physically could give birth. And she was just fine.

Like Cara, I thought after my 1st daughter that the worst thing that could happen to me was another c/s - then I got lucky and vbac'd and then had a c/s with good reason and then one which went horribly wrong (so wrong they tore the pages out of my notes and there is a big hole where they should be). And that's my minefield; there are, as we know, no guarantees, not even of any answers.

I just wanted to write to say thanks to all of you for your support and kind words. I often feel very alone in this process (more so now than ever) and it is nice to have a place to go where that is not the case.

I hope all of you are hanging in there. I am thinking of you.

Cara - I hope it's just a late bloomer this month and you're still in for a BFP.

Maddie - thanks. :-)

Gayle - sending you some good vibes.

B - I hope hope hope that somehow against odds, this month works for you.

AFM - I'm 9dpo and my temperature actually went up this morning. Not down, no AF. I'm ecstatic on that note alone. It feels like my body is starting to come around. I've had more metal mouth (and excess saliva - weird!) and cramps and I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up. In fact I have been ok with the idea of maybe next month since I still don't have a job. Anyway. K and I have agreed that Wednesday will be test day. He's just as excited and we're both trying to restrain ourselves and failing miserably.

Hope is such a killer, no?

Sending love,
S