o.k. This topic fires me up.
It has been my experience that the advice to 'relax' has come from people who have never struggled. That word comes directly before 'it will happen.' It is an empty word. It is of uselss direction.
The basic notion that I could breeze through this next experience of ttc after 6 miscarriages and a daughter who died is silly. (I have been trying to have children for 6 years and have one living daughter.)
In fact I find the very work 'relax' to be condescending. It places further blame on the victim.
The ways I cope with stress can vary on any given day. I run. But not too much or I am worried running will thin my lining. See? There I go self imposing poor outcomes again because I have failed to relax (sarcasm). I also meditate, sort of and pray a little. Oh, and I watch crap TV.
What I find difficult about relaxing, is buying into the notion that it will increase my chances of becoming pregnant.

I am so tired of hearing "just relax/don't stress/think positively and it will happen."

It doesn't work that way, so sorry.

It's exactly what Diana says - the people who tell you to 'relax' are the people who haven't been here. They don't know what it's like to go through a pregnancy and then lose your child and their future. The very idea that I could actually relax and trust that this is going to turn out OK is just so far from what's achievable for me that it seems very odd when people say 'relax, it's going to be fine'.

I tell people I'm close too and am going to be seeing again throughout this that 'relaxing' isn't achievable for me so telling me too is pointless.

What consumes me right now is everything that can still go wrong at this stage, paranoia about food bourne diseases, my GD, and movements. (there's more no doubt but they're the main ones)

To relax I read, talk to DH, try to stay in the moment, go to a meditation class, have acupunture, try and learn from my dog (a labradour who seems to have relaxing down pat), and try to recognise when I'm stressed/tired/not coping and do one of the above.

Maddie x

It's absolutely a condescending instruction, and I have no qualms about pulling people up when they say it to me. You've really only got to raise an eyebrow and you've politely won the argument. I reserve a snort for bigger idiots. Why should I let it pass when someone with no authority and no invitation is telling me what to do?

You can absolutely conceive while you are stressed to the nines, because I did.

It's hard - I like everyone here hate hearing "just relax" or "don't worry" from others. I just plain do not like unsolicited advice. Besides, it's not helpful. But I also know that I should relax or at least not be so fearful. I do try and live in the moment, mostly. When my fears are getting the better of me and I'm convinced this baby is going to die, or I get caught up in the "what if's" and go to the worst case scenario, I just try and remember that right now, today, this moment, he is ok. I also try and go for a walk with my dog which seems to help. I also sometimes repeat the phrase "most babies live" to try and convince myself that maybe this one has a chance.

When we were ttc and I heard those words it was all I could do to not strangle the person. People get pregnant during famine and wars. Relaxing does not make babies.

Well, I definitely agree with everyone else, telling me to relax at this point is pretty much pointless and rude. I think people think it makes it better that our son had a horrible birth defect, like ohhhh, it was for the best and what are the chances of that happening again? Well, stupid person, I guess it's not that high but it has completely opened our eyes to the fact that not all babies come home and that's a little stressful. So f*** off.

This is our first month ttc, and it's only been two since we lost our son, so I am not a total stressball about conceiving yet (although really I guess I am, I want so badly to get back to that place). We have never had a hard time getting pregnant but things change of course and after every loss I worry that this will be the time it takes forever. And of course since I have now had one child with a NTD, the chances of having another goes up, so I worry about that. I am taking a bajillion mcgs of folic acid to help decrease those chances but who knows if that actually works.

As far as trying to calm myself down....I just concentrate on the fact that this happened once perfectly for us and hopefully it can happen again. I try to keep my body as healthy as possible and try to convince myself that will help. I read silly magazines and old books from my childhood (like Anne of Green Gables, my current fave, haha). I hang out with the hubs or walk the dogs. I remind myself that God is good, He has a plan and everything will fall into place as it should.

Not that any of it really works that well, but it helps.

I guess i have a slightly different take on this. I agree with the PP that when we were ttc, if people told me to "relax" or all of relax's iterations ("deep breathing," "it's going to be okay," "don't worry so much," etc.), I would have smacked them in the face. Literally.

But now that I am pregnant, I don't mind hearing people tell me to "relax" as long as it is from this community -- from other babyloss parents. In fact, when my husband says it to me, I actually appreciate it. Because I know where it is coming from and the sentiment behind it: It is not relax, everything is going to be okay. It is relax, be gentle on yourself, you are doing the best that you can under very difficult circumstances.

With that said, when it comes from outside this community, it can definitely hit below the belt. Because then I hear "relax, you nut job, your baby is going to be fine and if it is not, it is because you are so hyper" or something along those lines. I don't always think that is fair; I don't necessarily think the sender intended it that way but that's what I hear. Maybe because (shamefully) that is what I would have thought before we lost our daughter.

As for me, I'm not sure I am relaxing at all these days. I do take some comfort in walking our dog, reading a good book or eating yummy food. But as I continue to swell, and the temperature continues to climb outside, it gets harder and harder to do each of these.

I agree with everyone else. It is hateful when someone tells you to relax. We are in a situation where relaxing is almost impossible. But I know it is important to try to control stress (but I don't want to hear anyone telling me that!), so I try. I travel a lot with my husband, whenever we can. I read books and I go to drawing classes. These things keep my mind busy at least. But the time is passing and I am not getting pregnant. I am approaching 35. I don't know what to do to keep hopeful and positive, let alone to relax.
I am a biologist and have access to scientific literature. I read a few papers on the effects of stress on fertility. There is nothing really conclusive that proves that stress "causes" infertility. The only apparent effect is on IVF outcome, but still the effect is really small and could be related to other things. On the other side there is plenty of evidence of the psychological effects of child loss and infertility on women. I wish doctors read these papers.

i have to assume that you posted this thread eliza before seeing this research
http://tiny.cc/09qc5
(i've never used this before, i hope it works)

reported in the BBC here http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-10942956

the conclusion of which is that 'Stress significantly reduced the probability of conception each day during the fertile window, possibly exerting its effect through the sympathetic medullar pathway.'

so you can bet your bottom dollar that now everyone will see the headline and think it's 100% true and therefore they are absolutely right to tell us that to conceive we just need to relax.

of course, without paying to access the full study (does anyone have access to that kind of thing?) i can't tell whether the stress is the cause of infertility or a result. or whether it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy. correlation does not equal causation, and it's frustrating not to be able to see whether the authors have taken that into consideration.

anyway.

i can feel my blood pressure rise when people tell me to relax and it'll happen. unfortunately i can't then calm myself down enough to form a coherent argument and then i get annoyed with myself too.

i don't think that advice of relax/have some cocktails/go on holiday/stop trying to conceive and it'll happen or any of those related versions are helpful at all. and to those of us who have actually *lost* babies, it's even less helpful, because it ignores the fact that our grief informs our perceptions of ttc. of course it does! we've experienced the whole process going wrong. do they really expect us to be able to put that to one side? even if we want to? and god some days i want to.

however.

i've also been thinking about this research:
http://www.conceivethepossibility.com/research.html

which... well, let me quote:
'Mind/body treatment of infertility patients has been shown to both increase pregnancy rates as well as reducing psychological distress. In a recent study conducted at the MBMI, 185 women who had been trying to conceive for one to two years were randomized into either a 10 week mind/body group, a ten week support group, or a routine care control group. The birth rates during the one year follow up period were as follows: - Mind/body 55%, support 54%, and controls 20%. In addition the mind/body patients reported significantly greater psychological improvements than the support or control patients. Patients in the clinical Mind/Body Program for Infertility show benefits as well; in four published studies on several hundred women with an infertility duration of 3.5 years, 42 percent conceived within six months of completing the program and there were significant decreases in all measured psychological symptoms including depression, anxiety and anger.'

so. 'relax' isn't useful. 'find support groups' or 'mind body groups' (although i'm not entirely sure what they mean by that) might actually be useful - although you will note that the pregnancy rate is still only raised from 20% to 54% or 55%. significant, but by no means something that will work for everyone.

the short version is, i've started using relaxation cds daily again, and plan to start swimming and trying to eat better. i don't think this will magically make me pregnant, but i hope it will increase my chances, and i also hope that even if i don't get pregnant soon that psychologically i will be better able to cope.

of course, it could all be a load of sh!t. but at least it gives me something to do in the meantime.

i've also blogged about this here
http://nongeordiemum.blogspot.com/2010/08/2-of-3-stress-just-relax-and-getting.html

B- I found the paper you mentioned and read it. I don't really buy it. I think their conclusions are way too strong based on their evidence. Basically, I don't like much the paper because:

1) The enzyme they used as a marker has been shown to have a slight rise right before a stressful activity (in another paper). There is no evidence that production of this enzyme increases in situations of prolonged stress (which I think is the case of women with fertility problems).

2) The cortisol levels, which are a much stronger marker for stress, did not show an effect on time to pregnancy in the same study.

3) They don't discuss other possible reasons why amylase could be in higher levels in women taking longer to conceive.

Sooooo, let's take it with caution. I don't like this simplistic view and think that we women already have many problems to be taken seriously by doctors. While infertility is in many cases unexplained (10%-50%), many other cases have an organic cause.

Yet, I agree that relaxing and trying to stay positive helps. Positive thinking improves health in general, so should also improve fertility. Exercising, besides making you healthy helps to decrease stress, so why not? The same for anything else that can help you relax: meditation, acupuncture, massage...

I think we should write a paper saying that doctors stress out their patients by saying "relax and it will happen". : )

Thank you so much for that Francisca, that's really interesting. And without knowing the science myself I did wonder how realistic the results were. of course, the papers are far more interested in the headlines, and not whether the results are being misrepresented. i'd be interested to know whether there are any letters in the journal over the next couple of weeks pointing that out......

I'd be interested in helping to write that paper :)