Cycle day 8 here. I have no idea if we are going to "try" this month or not, since our agreement is that we take it day by day. But I am feeling a little better about this cycle -- the last few I've had really early ovulation, with lots of fertility signs by day 8, and this month I don't have those yet. My two healthy pregnancies (irony: my lost son was one of those) involved later/normal ovulation between day 11-14, so I have a possibly crackpot theory that when I ovulate before day 11, I am less likely to get/stay pregnant.

I'm taking Vitex and EPO this month, trying to straighten out my cycles whether I get pregnant or not. My PMS is dreadful lately.

Beth-- I know all about crackpot theories and I say to stay with what makes you comfortable whether it seems silly or not. So I am hoping for a late ovulation for you :)

I'm on cycle day 9. I think I will probably start checking with the OPK's tomorrow or the next day, but this is my first real cycle since our loss so I have no idea what will be going on or if I will even ovulate. Time will tell I guess. Hope all the preggo mamas are doing well this week and good luck to everyone trying....whether this is the month or not it is really comforting to be here together xoxoxo

I am full of crackpot theories, so I'm with you Beth.

Eliza - I'm glad you're chilled out and focusing on other things. I envy you.

I'm here, CD 15, waiting to O sometime this week. K is all for planning fun ways to dtd so I'm looking forward to this week. I'm using OPKs and just getting faint lines, but I've had watery / EWCM for the last few days. I'm on Vitex, EPO, Vit D, Folic Acid & a B100 complex (+ MV) so I'm hoping that this LP is better than the last.

I need to get active - I'm a slug. Today I'm working on a wackadoodle job application that includes a pop-art canvas of Karl Lagerfeld - it's a far shot but since it's for an agency I'm going whole hog. It feels good to be irreverent and creative and to not give a fuck what happens (but in a healthy way).

Sarah - it's only taken 9 cycles of ttc and a major job upheaval to get here!

And it's not all sunshine. If I hear one more 'But that's how we used to/have always done it' I'm going to start shrieking inappropriate things. I went over to meet the new staff and have been so focused on two aspects of the new job I completely forgot about the other third of it. It was a fantastic, in-your-face reminder of why I changed my major from theatre to history and left the performing arts.

Lordamercy, as my friend S would say. On the bright side, who needs sanity? ; P

Cycle day 21 here. Last month though I got a crop of white head spots about 6 days before my period started on day 24. I started getting them today. Can't remember if I've ever got them and been pregnant, but I suspect not :(

cd4. a while to go before the trying starts for this month. our appointment is 24th with the reproductive medicine people. have given up on trying anything to get pregnant, although if nothing happens for a few months i might go back to acupuncture.

good luck to those trying and calm thoughts to those who are pregnant already.

Hoping all of you have regular stock standard cycles this month. We've said it before but no one who's been through baby loss should then have to deal with a hard time getting pregnant again.

B - Do you mean you're not going to the appointment? Sorry if I've read your post wrong and am confused (wouldn't be the first time). Hugs.

AFM - 31 weeks. My cold seem to be disappearing which is good. Have had three high BSLs readings already this week which isn't. Am trying to get myself OK with the idea of insulin (I'm not) because I think that's where this is heading. Seeing my ob and endo on Thursday and a scan on Monday.

Packed Matilda's things up in the nursery - broke my heart all over again to pack again clothes she never got to wear and had me wondering in disbelief that my life involves having a death certificate and certificate of cremation for my 4 day old baby. I still can't believe it happened sometimes.

Have started organising the nursery for this baby and swing behind feeling like I'm jinxing things and being OK with it - I guess that's just how it's going to be.

It's CD16 here and I should O tomorrow. The OPK was still negative, but my temp dropped this morning just like the last 2 cycles so I am inclined to believe it will happen. Of course DH came home today with a sore back and has been laying down ever since so now I gotta hope he feels better tomorrow morning so we can DTD. Aaarrgghh.

sorry maddie, that was the most ridiculously unclear sentence ever. we're still going to the appointment but i'm not bothering with soy supplements/green tea (unless i just want a cup)/evening primrose oil/conceive plus stuff (which is like preseed) and all the other stuff we've been trying.

i'm glad your cold's going and i hope your readings stay low. it must have been so hard to pack up Matilda's stuff. thinking of you.

hope your DH's back is ok cara!

Hi ladies,
I am on CD 24, DPO 10. On DPO 7 I had a dip which I thought could be implantation dip (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2e565a). I was camping on the mountains and it was very cold at night, so it is most likely due to the temperature shift. In any case, I got a little hopeful (because timing was good too), so I am afraid of my reaction when AF comes. PMS has been pretty intense lately, and coupled with the frustration of not being pregnant it becomes unbearable. Since yesterday I have been thirsty all the time. Could it be a pregnancy sign?

Today I went to see my GYN. I talked again about my worries of having a hormonal imbalance (spotting, shorter cycles, hair loss, etc) and asked her for a lab test. She gave me a progesterone prescription instead. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can't argue with doctors. I don't want to take a supplement before knowing I actually need it. Luckily my husband was with me this time and, at the end of the visit, he asked the doctor if it was too hard for her to make a referral for a hormone test. And she finally made it! (I feel such an idiot. Why can't I do it myself?). Then, she pissed me off again saying that I have to relax, stop charting and timing sex. Relax is a word that doesn't exist in my dictionary after my loss, unfortunately. Of course I try to keep low stress levels and be rational, but I can't be totally relaxed about getting pregnant. I lost my first baby 1 year and 8 months ago and my worst fear right now is that I will never be able to have another child (TTC cycle #10). Is it too hard to understand how I am feeling and why I can't relax?

Ugh - hearing just relax from a doctor of all people - sorry, Francisca.

Me, I'm doing ok, passed the 2 year anniversary on Sunday which was hard but not as bad as last year. Back to worrying but am 33 weeks and hanging in as best I can. 5 more weeks to go.

Good luck to everyone ttc this month. Wishing I had a magic wand.

Francisca - Do you like your doctor/feel comfortable with your doctor? I'm not sure what your situation is, but if a doctor said that to me, I'd be so frustrated. After our loss, when we were going to start ttc again, I interviewed a bunch of doctors and definitely found some I did not gel with - one who chastised me for not being in therapy with my husband. I don't know if that is at all why you feel like you can't speak up.

Monique & Maddie - Glad to hear you are both hanging in there even if it is so hard. I actually washed a couple of going home outfits (not sure his size?) and also had to remind myself that doing so was not jinxing anything. I really want to bond with this little guy, it is just so hard to get excited. Today, I had an U/S where the sonographer (who is a lovely woman) was showing me his hair and then trying to get a 3D image for me and I just wanted to cry. It's so scary to be this close. 3 more weeks ...

For all those ttc, I'm wishing you all kinds of luck, patience and hope. I know it is trite, but it is so unfair ...

I just got back from my bankruptcy hearing - no more enormous debt! Yea! Although we still have two very old cars and $60,000 in student loans . . . sigh. The richest country in the world and I have to lose everything because I took a month off of work for a dead baby. Nice.

I am on week two of parenting classes for adoption and already want to kill some people. I got to hear a parent with 3 young children gripe about prenatal testing being pushed by doctors. "I would never do anything anyway, so why do I need it?" I had to plug my ears and hide my face. I just want to shake those BLIND, NAIVE people. You DO NOT know what you will do until you are in that situation, shut the hell up! The worst part was the social worker agreeing with her. So much for telling her the real story.

I'm helping with a baby shower at work this week. It's for a girl that my friend is adopting so I think I'll be okay. We'll see.

We are not not-trying and it has now been 30 days since my last period and no signs of ovulation. I HATE MY BODY. HATE IT. Now I am going to go crazy thinking I might be pregnant because I can't ever figure out when my period is supposed to start. I may have to go back to charting just for sanity's sake. I just can't win with this.

Can anyone tell I'm feeling a little bitter today?

I hope all the pregnant moms are doing okay today and as always, I'm wishing hard for everyone to get a positive OPT.

It has been 1yr 2mths and 3 weeks since our loss. I had my IUD out this week and two days later my period started so I hope this is a good sign. My Dr said we could try as soon as I had my first cycle so hopefully things will work out. My hubby is looking forward to the trying, since I have not really been "in the mood" very often since the loss. Happy hopeful thoughts sent to all of you.

Cycle day 3 for me. DH did the math and the earliest we can start to try is October 22nd. That way I won't be "due" too close to the Grand Prix ;-p

I switched to Fertility Flower, as FF was wy too overwhelming and visually busy for my ADD brain. I like the layout a lot! http://www.fertilityflower.com/bloom_np I haven't figured out how to share my chart yet though.

Eliza; Hooray for couch to 5K!

Jen-ughh... I admire your self-restraint in the face of such smugness and ignorance.

Cd 26 for me. I actually got a positive opk this month, and timing was good, but didn't happen enough due to our opposite work schedules. So I guess there's a slim chance?? I don't have much hope for this month though, I seem to have raging pms:(

thinking of everyone.

Good luck, Natalie. I hope it happens easily for you.

Rachel, I am so sorry. I think I am out, too, even though it's only CD9 -- my temp is already up .6 this morning, and that is just too early.

I'm CD17 and waiting to O. My OPKs are teasing me with faint lines, but nothing I'd consider a positive. I'm going to work on seducing K for the next few nights and just have a good time.

The job application went well - I have a meeting Friday afternoon. I'm stoked. http://twitter.com/MAD_INC_TANK/statuses/20897576514

For the first time in awhile, I feel hopeful that my luck may be changing.

Well, day 24 now and so I should get my period any time. No actual sign yet but my temp dropped by .5c this morning. That surprised me so I retook it and it went straight back up to yesterdays 36.6 So i don't really know what to make of that.

I'm almost at peace with it coming but I know the next days are going to be impossibly rough. had a very bad day yesterday; I was out with friends and didn't know someones little girl was stood behind me with a fork in her mouth. I dropped my hand down and banged the end of the fork into her mouth and she was really hurt. I was just beside myself to have hurt her:(

Sometimes I wonder when the new things will stop happening that can remind me that my little boy didn't live.

CD26 DPO12, my temp started dropping and I think I will get my period tomorrow. Yet, I feel pregnant. Yesterday was a tough day for me too. Every month I am not pregnant is as if my baby boy died again. I think I need to give up having a baby to be in peace. I hate my new life.

I started spotting when I got to work - Day 24 so vitamins not helping at all.

Bah.

Like Francisca, it is like I lose him again a just a little each time. I know he can't be replaced, but another baby would at least give me some hope :(

I'm so sorry, Merry and Francisca. And I know what you mean about losing him all over again.

We did not try this month because my husband changed his mind again. I can't take it, I am going to go on birth control. We're done. I can move and grieve this, even though I don't want to, I want to keep trying, but I can't take being jerked around, worrying so much about my fertility and if I can get pregnant, only to have him pull the rug out every other month.

Yay Sarah, good luck with your meeting!

Beth, I'm sorry your husband keeps changing his mind. To have to deal with uncertainty on top of all the other pain and torture is too much.

I am officially in the 2WW although with my cycle it's more like the 10 day wait. It's only our 2nd cycle ot TTC and DH is already complaining about how making a baby is supposed to be all fun and games. I don't know to make him understand that that is for people who can get knocked up when their husband sneezes on them and don't have dead babies. For the rest of us it's stressful and exhausting and maybe there's a little bit of fun during the actual DTD the deed part.

Okay I'm off to go stand on my head and drink nettle tea and anything else I can think of to make this work. Love to all you ladies.

CD 7, going for a hsg test to see if the pipes are open! I'm a bit nervous about it. I haven't even been able to have a pap test done since I miscarried last year. There was a lot of time spent up there by many people trying to control bleeding. I'm trying not to think about it and not get all anxious (in which I will then cry tomorrow when I get there making a fool of myself). Currently on round 2 of clomid.

Wishing luck to those ttc and thinking of those currently pregnant.

I've not been posting because there's not a damned interesting thing going on with me. I'm around CD22? and plodding along not ovulating, doesn't even feel like my body is trying.

But I wanted to let all the ladies here know that I am lurking and keeping up with what is going on with y'all, and wishing for the best.

Eliza - Hope work is going well. Sounds very busy. Lordamercy indeed. AND couch to 5km!

Francisca - I'm glad your husband got the doctor to order the tests you wanted. I am also rubbish at arguing with doctors, I just tend to nod meekly.

Jen - I'm glad you are free of the enormous debt but sorry that it had to come to that. It isn't fair. I'm sorry you had to hear the prenatal testing gripe, they honestly don't know what they are talking about.

Beth - I'm sorry for the all the uncertainty surrounding trying again. That must be so hard, having the rug pulled out from under your feet all of a sudden.

Natalie - Good luck! I hope it happens quickly and easily.

Anna - I just wanted to say thank you for your advice a little while back on a thread about trying for a year. I finally went to go and get my fertility assessed as I really didn't want to wait another year as my GP was telling me to. Turns out that at least one of my ovaries looks like it isn't connected up to the rest of my reproductive organs but is happily ovulating away behind my uterus. Probably due to an infection I picked up as a result of a D&C procedure which caused some adhesions. So that would probably explain why I'm suddenly finding it difficult to fall pregnant.

I'm going to for a hycosy to test the patency of the other tube. If that one is a bust too then I guess it's time to think about treatments. Also nervous. I hope that all goes well for you and that your pipes are in a better state than mine!

Hang on in there Maddie, Monique and Gayle.

Catherine - Wow. How did they find out you had this tubal problem? I've read it is possible to fix this problem. I think I saw something about it in stirup queens. I will keep my fingers crossed for your other tube to be open and well positioned.

Eliza - Couch to 5k is a good idea. I should do the same. I will try to start next week. I used to run and I felt amazing, both physically and psychologically.

Anna - Good luck with your pipes!

All of you on the 2ww - I hope this is your month.

Today, Friday 13th, my period came. I am spotting, but I think there is no coming back now. I am getting really worried. I did the most stupid thing today. I read about infertility and treatment outcomes and now I am totally desperate. I can't bear the idea that I won't be able to have a living child. I know tomorrow I will be a little more optimistic, but today I am lost in the deep darkness of frustration, fear, and despair.

On a side note, this is the second consecutive night I dream my life is in danger. Subconsciously desperate?

Oh Francisca. I'm so sorry. I wish I could just pop round, make you a cup of tea and sit with you for a bit. It's so difficult and fertility is so complex. I'm sure that even the doctors don't understand it completely yet. I've also got myself into a complete state about treatment outcomes and it so hard not to research every little thing on the internet.

My tubal problem was identified via transvaginal ultrasound. Painless and quick. The doctor could see that my ovary was not in the location that would be expected. I think it is possible that it could be fixed via surgery so I'm still hopeful. Thank you so much for keeping your fingers crossed for me. I hope that your hormone tests come back as normal or, failing that, at least with an answer for you. x

Catherine - I'm glad they've at least diagnosed something.

Interview went well. I'm CD 19 and K has been ill this past week. Last night I got a +OPK and we fought about the pressures of TTC. This morning we had a long chat, I bawled and then we were able to dtd, so here's hoping timing is good. Part of what is upsetting me is that at 5 months postpartum i SHOULDN'T be TTC again. It's not right nor normal and I resent it but I want to be pregnant. It sucks.

Anyway, I've never had a 2 day +OPK surge before so here's hoping that the supplements have done something good and we get lucky this month.

Thinking about everyone here.

S

Sarah,

Glad the interview went well. I'm having similar feelings this month. I also had a huge fight with Chris (right around my fertile time) about the pressures of ttc. And I've been feeling bitter that I have to be going through this stress of ttc right now. I should have a 6 month old, not struggling to get pregnant. But ultmately, we want another baby, so what else can we do? sigh.

anyways, I'm thinking of everyone trying and in the tww. Hopefully August is a lucky month.
And the pregnant mama's, thinking of you as well, you give me lots of hope:)

Catherine, I'm sorry about the diagnosis but glad you have one. I have a blocked tube due to a dermoid cyst (the tube has wrapped itself around the cyst) - as you likely know, you only need one ovary and tube working although it might take a little longer. Just wanted to let you know as I was kind of despondent when I got that diagnosis thinking getting pg would be next to impossible. I hope you get some more answers and information - I'm thinking of you.

Wishing everyone ttc good luck this month.

Francisca - sorry about the arrival of your period. :(

Maddie and Gayle - hang in there, we're almost there.

Thinking of you all.

Have any of you with cysts and so on had pain from this? I've had a worsening pain in my side for a couple of years - when I got pregnant with Freddie I was about to have a fybroid scan which was cancelled. It niggled way during his pregnancy having been mainly quiet since I first got it when pregnant with dd3, who I had a cyst on that side for some of that pregnancy.

It's really rottenly painful at the moment - and exactly in the place where his placenta was - and I'm wondering if I really should find out if it is something womb/tube-ish rather than IBS-ish as I had assumed. Although equally afraid it might turn out to have affected him in some way.

Francisca - hon, I just want to wrap you in big hugs. The start of a period is just the worst day. I'm so sorry and hoping things are easing up a bit now for you. Remember that in searching for stats on IF and treatment that IF is a very, very wide umbrella and there is a great disparity of patients covered by it. I hope that testing is able to identify your problems and provide an easy treatment or that you respond well to conventional treatments.

Catherine - what a thing to discover. FWIW, my sister lost a fallopian tube in college and when she and my BIL decided to ttc, she sought a fertility specialist since they'd gone about 7 years having unprotected sex and no pregnancy scares. They were able to conceive relatively easily with IUI and injectibles because they could see the number of follicles and trigger appropriately. First cycle was positive, but miscarriage due to trisomy 18. Had her back in six weeks later for another go and that is my nephew.

Sarah - good news on the job front.

Merry - bring it up with your doc, it's worth having checked out. If there is a cyst, it could be interfering with your hormone production and fibroids can make conception more difficult and pregnancy a little more risky. An SHG can usually determine the state of the uterus and the accompanying ultrasound can determine the presence of a cyst on the ovary. My SHG wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't really painful either. They inserted a catheter into my uterus through my cervix and inflated it with saline to stretch it a bit and provide better contrast for imaging and then performed an ultrasound. Uterus was fine for me (relief given all the trouble we'd had) but it confirmed the damaged cervix. So it was definitely a good test for me to have.

All the pregnant gals - I think of you all each day.

As for me - well, work goes. I feel vaguely crazy with all the stuff going on - not made better by losing power and all functionality multiple times over the last two days - but it's keeping me from being vaguely crazy over the fact that the anniversary is looming very large. Right now that's more of a fact than an emotional cloud hanging over me, but the emotions are unquestionably running closer to the surface than usual.

Given everything, I felt our decision to not try was a good one and for the first 2ww in a long time I felt like I would be more content with a negative.

Which is why I'm so nervous right now, because my chart is mirroring the successful pregnancy charts so far. It's unnerving, actually. I'm really not sure what I'm hoping for here. As much as I want to be pregnant again, and have a child and feel like we're moving on - for the first time, I'm at a point where I could really stand to wait a few months. Our finances . . . work . . . just a lot of things. . . and it's looking like it might go the other way.

I just keep telling myself when I start heading down that pathway that can't change any of it now. We'll find out soon enough - in a few days anyway. And if it's not, sigh of relief and a more serious discussion about actively waiting. And if it is, well, that's no guarantee of anything. But I'll have more than enough distraction from it to be geting on with.

So . . . yeah. Just breathing for now and trying not to put the cart ahead of the horse.

oh god eliza, how stressful. all i can do is wish you peace with whatever way things go.

It's just - I DO still want to be pregnant. The drive just isn't as intense as it was, you know? I feel like - a few more months could mean better things all around. In two weeks, I've already started losing weight and feeling better after the jogs. And I need this work stuff to pan out, which will take a lot of concentration and stress and probably extra hours. That's my only chance at getting more $ out of this deal, to prove I can make this work.

And we need to money, especially if I get pregnant again. Between our debt, medical bills, etc. . . I don't know how we'd afford it.

But . . . our child. We want one so badly.

But . . . but . . . but . . . you know?

My temp dipped today. Which is right in line with the pregnancy charts again. Of course, the timing could be the beginning of the trip down and the winding down of the cycle. Won't really know until tomorrow, I suppose. It's getting humorous.

have to laugh else you'd cry. i know that feeling.

there's no win. at the end of the day, you should have Gabe with you, and it shouldn't be an issue.

i'm glad the jogging is going well!