Hi there, this is my first time to post on this particular board but I think we are going to start ttc this month. It's only been six weeks since we lost our son but we feel ready, and we also both know how this goes and have no idea how long it will take, etc. Our doctor thinks it's too soon (not for physical reasons, but emotionally) but we don't and we're tired of listening to her (sounds bad but true). So wish us luck I guess and I am constantly thinking of all of you and hoping for all good things :)

Keely - good luck. My doctor told us we could try trying as soon as we wanted so if that's what you want to do I reckon go for it. Hope the TTC journey is a short one for you.

AFM - After my meltdown last week I seem to be a bit more stable again. My bsls are under control again with a couple of diet changes and I rang my endo and my high readings last week weren't high enough to worry her. And she's really lovely and said to ring her whenever I wanted.

We went to a first aid course in the weekend. It was focused on kids so I was thinking there might be other pregnant women there but I did not expect a couple with their four month old baby and a 35 week pregnant couple. I was not coping too well while we were standing outside waiting to get in. They straight away engaged each other in pregnancy and baby conversation while I just stood with DH and avoided eye contact. It made me realise just how different pregnancy is for people who haven't been through loss or complicated pregnancies. She's just talking away about their labour plans and how do you find mothers groups and which movie theaters have babes in arms sessions. All things I can't even think about. I'm sure they thought I was a snob.

For the first time we went to a baby shop and now have a change table, monitor and couple of other things. That wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be and even fun at times. Thankfully no staff members asked if it was our first baby.

This is big but I'll carry on....

Yesterday we went back to the hospital for the first time for our antenatal appointment with the bereavement midwife. She supports people in subsequent pregnancies so is going to run us through the relevant antenatal course content in a few fortnightly one on one sessions. I was OK when I arrived and then we said we were their to see the bereavement midwife, the midwife asked me 'are you OK' at which point I just wasn't. But Amanda (the bereavement midwife) was lovely, answered all our questions, got the doppler out so we could listen to Mungie's heart and took my bp, and said I can ring her and go in for monitoring anytime I'm worried. So felt a lot better after seeing her and am looking forward to my other appointments.

Thanks to anyone who's still reading! I'm 30 weeks and on the current plan that's 9 weeks to go.

I don't know if I belong here or not. Last month I started the "anyone not trying again?" thread on the other board. This month my husband seemed to have something of a change of heart, although he warned me that it would probably come and go.

I'm 41. I guess we "tried' this month although my charting was pretty half-hearted. I just got my period after a 22-day cycle, which I'm told can be a sign of perimenopause.

It's been six months since our baby died and I feel no sense of hope at all. I'm too old, my husband will change his mind again (actually I think he already has), I won't get pregnant, it won't stick, there will be something wrong. I can't scrounge up a single shred of hope.

my eyes are ok. i never remembered til cara emailed me that i never let you all know. i'm sorry if anyone was worried!

i really thought i might have a chance this month but my temp has dropped right back to the coverline today after being .7 degrees higher than that yesterday. and that's a mere 8 days after ovulating.

i just want to be pregnant again. i want to know that last time wasn't a fluke. i want to believe that it's possible. i want people to understand that there are no guarantees and that i'm terrified it will never happen.

this weekend was my sister's hen do. i didn't find out til i arrived that two of her friends are pregnant. one 22 weeks and one 24 weeks. i had two meltdowns but i stayed,i didn't run away. pure stubbornness i think. but it was so so so so hard.

i wish i believed there was hope for me and D to have a child one day.

Good luck, Keely. If you feel that you are ready don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You know yourself the best.

Maddie - hang in there, you are so close. I'll be thinking of you in the coming weeks.

Beth and B - I'm sorry, I really wish there was something I could do to give you both some hope. This is so unfair to deal with IF after a loss, you both really deserve a free pass.

As for me - I went to my first foster-adopt class last night and have already decided I'm taking a dozen children home. There is a sibling group of three, two teenagers and a five year old - the middle child has asperger's, the oldest is an honor student. There is also a pregnant 17 year old that was shipped off against her will to a group home for pregnant teens. I really identified with her history - it sounds a lot like mine. They still have the boy that I wrote about in my blog, the one who inspired me to pursue foster-adopt. It's so heartbreaking, there are so many kids that have been so let down. I wish I could take them all in.

I'm still sad that I may not ever have an infant again, but this process is giving me somthing to hope for. Maybe by this time next year I'll have more kids - possibly even a grandkid!

Maddie - It is awesome you found health care providers that are so understanding. This is really important to give you some peace of mind (is it possible?)

Beth and B - I am there with you. I really hope you get to have another baby. How long have you been trying?

Jen - It is great what you are doing. You are a wonderful person that found the perfect way to share you love. Good luck in this process. I hope I can do the same one day, whether or not I have my own baby.

AFM - On CD17, ovulated on CD14. We had a good timing but I am not very hopeful because I think ovulation was on the left side (probably not fertile). Next week I have a doctor's appointment and will ask her to check my hormones. I know it will be a battle because I have been trying for only 8 months now (but this is the 10th TTC cycle), but I can't wait. I need to know everything is all right to be able to relax. I have reasons to believe I might have some hormonal imbalance, so why wait?

6 months today. Today sucks butt.
I tried to clean the mold off of Juniper's foot casts from the hospital. I made DH bring home the contents of the safe deposit box, as I had never seen them. And it turned out that the asshole nurse (who asked us if our baby "had been in the freezer yet") put them in the bag before they dried and they managed to make everything in the box reek of mildew. So I cried in my coffee this morning because instead of whatever traces of Juniper's smell might have been on his little hats, was just the smell of mold.

I am ready for a baby NOW! DH's reversal surgery in 20 days. Then waiting for him to heal. Then timing it so I'm not due too close to the Grand Prix in Montreal next year (because that is a priority :-(

I have been charting for 22 days and, although Fertility Friend disagrees I KNOW I ovulated on the 6th. I ovulated the day after my period when Juniper was conceived. So I don't know what that means or if charting is useful at all. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2fe6e5

Beth and B - Jen said it best and I can hope for you in the meantime. B - are you seeing the FS now?

Jen - Hope you have a new child in your life soon. You'll be giving a child an amazing chance to be bought up in a loving family.

Francisca - Not sure if 'peace of mind' is really possible but supportive caregivers definitely help. Hope you get your testing and some answers (or you're pregnant before those things are needed).

SK - That's awful - I'm so sorry. Sucks that you had to deal with that. How long does the healing take after the reversal?

Me again - now have nappies and assorted other things sitting in our spare room and DH is assembling the change table we bought in the weekend. Trying to reassure myself that getting ready for this baby won't cause him to die. And remember that this is fun for most people. Deep breaths.

Big hugs Maddie.

I just wish this were easier for everyone.

AFM - I'm cd10, waiting to ovulate. FF recommends I start peeing on OPKs tomorrow and I'm trying not to be too hopeful that the cocktail of supplements has somehow corrected my cycle back to what it was before Foster. Job hunting is a chore and I'm oscillating between fatigue and boredom as a general state of being. It's frustrating. Part of me worries that I should be taking advantage of this time (ha) by starting a business or working out more or something but most of the time I just can't feel bothered to DO anything. Barf.

thank you jen. i hope you can take home a whole boat load of kids soon :)

francisca i lost my baby at the end of november last year and have been trying since then. timing intercourse well but still nothing :( my doc knows i chart and i know what's going on so she was happy to refer us earlier considering that i'm 34. hopefully if you can demonstrate the same to your doc she will do the same?

sadkitty i'm so sorry things are so hard. i can't believe the nurse said that or that she put the molds away damp. how awful for you.

how do you know you ovulated on the 6th? (i'm not sceptical, i'm just curious.) if you were travelling or sleeping somewhere different or something (or maybe had a cold and were sleeping with your mouth open?) then maybe your temps could be wrong. if this is your first month charting i'd maybe give it another month or two but if your temps seem to have nothing to do with your ovulation then it's probably not worth it for you. how frustrating.

maddie, we have our first appointment on the 24th. D has his semen analysis 90 minutes beforehand and we get the results back at our appointment. i find that amazing. at least it's one less thing to have to wait for.

well done on managing to get a few things ready. getting closer all the time. i hope you are staying as calm as possible given the circumstances (... not very i know).

good luck sarah. and sod being productive. look after yourself instead, it's far more important.

27 weeks today and had my OB appointment. Worried because my blood pressure is up, I am spilling sugar in my urine, and when he pressed on my calf it stayed indented so I am retaining water. Doctor is having me come back Friday to retest, and now is having me come back in 2 weeks for OB visits instead of next month. More things that scare me added to my list.

B - I am so sorry you were blindsided at your sisters by the two pregnant women. I know the feeling that it gives in the pit of your stomach. Even along with all my fears I am self conscious if seeing me now makes others feel that way about me, too. I am wishing and hoping that you (and others longing and hurting) have a a BFP and a baby in your arms in the very near future.

Sadkitty - I am so sorry that that nurse was so insensitive and didn't know what she was doing. They just don't know that all we have left to hold onto are maybe a blanket, a hat, hand or foot moulds. or ashes. Unless they live it they just don't get it.

Keely - , you have to follow your heart. No one can tell you what is right for you. Inside you are the only one who knows best.

Beth - Infertility after loss is so gut wrenching, I know, it happened to us. I don't think you are not to old. If all goes well I will be 45 when this baby is born. Please don't give up.

Beth - my typo "I don't think you are too old" is what i was trying to type.

B- I had the eggwhite cervical mucus that day. I am more familiar with that than temperature as a sign. I could be wrong this time. But, I know that we conceived Juniper the day after my period last year (we have um...different schedules and don't get to DTD very often, so that was the ONLY time that month it could have happened) and the signs were the same. I will keep charting, but I think something may be a little off.

Sadkitty, for me at least, EWCM comes a day or so before ovulation.

Thank you, everybody. Onward and upward. We'll see if this cycle is any better than the last.

yeah a day or two before, but this was 12 days before! Well, I'm pretty sure my period is going to start tomorrow or Saturday, as I am having mild cramps already. It's crazy, but I keep hoping for radical vasectomy failure just in the nick of time.

Jen-I hope all goes well for you. It would be so lovely for you to be able to take in a whole family like that. You are awesome for pursuing that route.

thinking of you Paula. i hope they get your issues sorted out soon. and thank you (to everyone) for understanding about the pregnant women.

sadkitty, it's my understanding that if you're producing EWCM you are probably fertile but won't necessarily ovulate at that time. so you could DTD then ovulate a few days later and still get pregnant. in an ideal world the CM and temp shift will suggest the same thing, but they don't always. is that what other people understand too? i'm looking at you eliza......?

You will have fertile cervical mucus leading up to ovulation, and it can stick around for a couple days. After you ovulate, the fertile mucus usually dries up pretty quickly. You can have patches of fertile mucus at any time prior to ovulation; it is not a guarantee that you will ovulate within the next couple days. It is merely an indication that you have higher estrogen because your body is gearing up to ovulate.

You can also have fertile quality mucus after ovulation, but this is usually because of dropping progesterone levels right before AF arrives, or because of rising estrogen levels in pregnancy.

35 weeks and chugging along. I have good days and bad days - today was a bad day although luckily I have a very kind doctor who was understanding when I started sobbing during my U/S.

Maddie - I completely relate to finding it hard to buy stuff for this kiddo. I have some onesies and some swaddle blankets but that is about all. I'm so impressed that your hospital has a bereavement midwife. That sounds like it would actually be really helpful about now. I hope you are hanging in there.

Paula - I hope you are hanging in there too. I see my doctor once a week (and have since about 30 weeks) so hopefully you'll find the more regular appointments helpful (dare I say reassuring?) more than anything else. I'm sorry it is causing you stress though.

Keely - If you got the medical go-ahead, then I would also trust your gut about what you want. I will say that the pregnancy after loss is hard but I'm not sure it would be any harder (or easier) had we gotten pregnant right away instead of 8 months out.

Jen - I think that is fantastic what you are doing. I'm crossing my fingers for you!

To all the mamas TTC - I don't have words of wisdom, just know that I am thinking of you. When we were trying after our loss, I was going nuts especially because it seemed like everywhere I turned someone was falling pregnant. I was finally diagnosed with (and treated for) hypothyroid, and that seemed to resolve our problems. I also pushed for early hormone testing to rule that out- I told my doctor I had already waited long enough, and I think she understood.

Sending everyone many hugs.

Oh Maddie, I wish getting things ready was fun for you. I remember that time so fondly with my son and I am seriously sitting here bawling wishing that it could be that way for you. I'm so sorry :(

I'm also sorry that I am not contributing to this fertility discussion but I seriously don't know anything about charting and my mucus does not seem to obey regular rules. With my most recent pregnancy we used OPK's and that worked well, so I guess it's back to peeing on sticks for me.

GL to everyone this month, I am thinking of you all more than you know.

I`m thinking of you all and wishing for good things. Frankly, I`m sort of yelling at the universe that we all deserve a break and to cut us all some serious slack.

I`m doing ok - Sam`s 2 year anniversary is this Sunday and I`m surprisingly ok. We`ll see if that changes over the next couple.

Had my 32w u/s this morning and all was well - baby is measuring as he should be. GD is under control (actually improving - which has me worried - how neurotic is that).

xo

now on CD1, and have just realised that if my cycle sticks to the pattern i've had the last two months that i will be away (without D) for my fertile period this month.

i'm drinking the wine a little faster than before. i have to laugh. i'm sick of crying.

B-That sucks. How long will you teo be apart. Probably just long enough huh?

Keely- i know next to nothing either. If I used OPKS I would apparently have to invest in the company that makes them. This chart is out of control!

So, I started spotting tonight and will like bleed tomorrow. So that's a 26 day cycle, which based on my chart means I wither have a 19 or 10 day luteal phase. I am kind of glad we have a couple months to figure this out. Though I wish I could just skip all of this trying and waitng, as I have already done that ENOUGH! We all have really!

It's CD14 for me and since I O'd around CD17 the last 2 cycles, it means it's time to start DTD. (Luckily all our company has left since the guest room is right below our master bedroom.)

Jen, I glad to hear you have so much hope for the foster-adopt process.

Monique, Maddie, Paula and Gayle (and any other lurking preggos) just keep holding on, you can make it.

Paula
Thanks for the hope.
Hang in there everybody.

sadkitty - two days, but seeing as i have never produced fertile cm in the last 18 months, it's probably enough to scupper any chance we have this month. dammit.

oh well. onwards and upwards. D pointed out (not in a horrible way) that when i got pregnant last year i was a stone lighter than i am now. time to start eating a bit more healthily and doing a bit more exercise, i guess. at least it's something else to keep me occupied while we wait.......

I'm CD14 now and should O in the next week. I'm peeing on OPKs and trying to be zen about it all.

B - I'm with you. Not only was I overweight by about 20lbs when I got pg with Foster, I can't seem to drop the last 5lbs to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. So that's about 25lbs overweight, and I don't feel motivated to do anything about it.

Otherwise I'm job hunting and trying to move forward, one step at a time.