I thought I'd start this week's update.

I'm on CD1 (again) - I seem to be struggling with an 8 or 9 day luteal phase which just sucks. I'm taking B6 and a multivitamin to try to correct it.

With this cycle all hopes of having a living child before I'm 34 are gone. I feel a bit defeated by this TTC thing to be honest.

I hope everyone is doing ok, Thinking of you.

Sarah

It's CD2 here. I was so sure I was pregnant (nauseous, tired and 2 days late) but obviously am not. "Luckily" my timing works out that I should ovulate the week before we go camping with the in-laws so I won't have to try to have sex while sharing a tent with my LC and my SIL and her boyfriend.

Hope someone else has had better luck than us.

Thanks for starting it, Sarah!

I'm so sorry about the lp defect and the timing. Hitting the past 31 point was hard, so I can sympathize a bit.

And Cara, sorry that didn't work out. It's such an awful feeling, I know. I hate that hope in the 2ww.

As for me, nothing big to report. Hanging out. Cd 15, I think (I'm not 100% sure, I'm so not into ttc right now). We're not trying hard. We're not not-trying.

It's just that at my current weight and things at work being so unstable, I think I'm ok with not being pregnant for a few months. Not enough to quit trying completely, but I've got a very relaxed 'whatever' approach the whole thing right now. I wish I could be less mysterious about work, but I can't throw it all out there. Basics: layoffs. A bunch. I've been told I'm fine and have been given the responsibilities of another person. Lots of angst and turmoil right now around here. Not a lot of fun.

But, overall, I'm well.

CD 27 here. I did a test today, and it was negative. Still holding out hope though....but in my heart, I know I am not pregnant again this month.

CD5, here.

I haven't had the fortitude to drink hot red raspberry leaf tea in the weather we've had. I still wake up each morning with headaches and nausea, that's awesome.

Otherwise, I'm barely paying attention, and thinking about other things I can do with my life besides just waiting around for god knows how long to get knocked up, but not coming up with a whole lot of fulfilling answers.

Reading this my heart just goes out to all of of you TTC - I wish I could fix it and have you all pregnant on this cycle.

Cara - Hope the timing avoids the tent scenario.

Eliza - Hope the work situation is sorted soon - doesn't sound pretty.

Hugs to everyone else.

I'm here and 29 weeks now. I think the anxiety levels are rising because I have been fighting with DH over stupid things which isn't really like us. One high reading so far this week on the GD front but my fasting levels seem to be coming up which has me scared. People (non baby loss friends) are starting to say 'not long to go now'. That's not how it feels to me though. I was hospitalised with PE at this gestation last time so hopefully I can make it through this week without that happening - seeing my ob Thursday.

Counting down the days until the end of July and then it's two more months to get through.

Maddie x

hugs and love to everyone. So happy Vivien is finaly here but finding out alot of deep truths in the wee hours -- that even this love we have for her does not take away the hurt of losing Henry -- and in my naivete I really thought I would be "healed" somehow by now. What a long strange journey this is. Thinking of all of you daily...

Cd 12 for me. Started opk's today, and am charting. Trying to "stay positive" and "have hope". I went back to work today, which means DH and I are on opposite schedules till sunday. So we'll see. I found some positive affirmations for pregnancy on google, and am trying to say them. (yep, I'm crazy, but I figure the positive affirmations are better than what's usually running through my head). Eliza, I wish I had your relaxed 'whatever' approach!

Thinking of everyone.

Mindy - Caz just posted a blog about similar feeelings - not sure if you follow her blog?

Rachel - I think we're all crazy in here. I say things to myself to try and displace some of the awful negative thoughts.

Hello -
So I'm supposed to start my cycle tomorrow. Only the second one since the loss of our son 2.5 months ago. I am completely freaked out by it - did anyone else feel this way?

I want it to come "on time" so I can believe my cycle is back t normal. But I also just want to be pregnant again. I feel like if it was unplanned it would be easier somehow....like it was just meant to be. I have to be honest, even though it is almost impossible I am truly hoping to be pregnant. I just wish it would come so this anxiety could be gone!

Wishing you all the best.
S

I was a mess before my first cycle Suzanne. It didn't come when I expected it to and I thought I was going to lose my mind from the worry. Mine arrived 8 weeks after my daughter died and I felt exactly as you do - I just wanted it to start so I could be back to normal, on that front, and hopefully start ttc soon. Now my naturopath has pulled me off my thyroid medication and put me on natural supplements so I have to wait until October, at least, to start ttc. I want to be as healthy as possible before trying again, but I am still pouting about the delay.

Hi Suzanne,
I'm 4 months out and feel the same way - I'm on my 3rd pp cycle and just want to be pregnant already. I think what you're feeling is pretty normal in this strange new land.

Here's hoping your cycles come back quickly.

Sarah

31 weeks today, 7 more weeks to go. Hanging in there as best I can.

Good luck to everyone ttc. I know it's not easy but I'm thinking of you all, for what it's worth.

I'm glad you're still hanging in Monique. :-)

Not only did I have teh craxy yesterday (mood swing, temper tantrum) but I've decided that by taking a billion supplements I'll hopefully correct my short LP this cycle. Who knows, and I won't say it can't make it worse, but I'm trying to find hope, and I guess this is the how.

Back to trying; charting this month. Not sure if EPO is making me cramp badly or if my poor old saggy body is just taking a long time to heal. My milk is finally gone though, so perhaps that will help. Hoping the B6 and stuff will sort me out and finding it all so very frightening. Never had to try till Freddie and it just sucks, sucks, sucks, to be going through this again. I was so ready to never be pregnant again. So very "done".

Genetics team have referred us for cytogenetic screening - just in case. Only a 1/600 chance of it throwing anything up she said.

Snort.

1/700 of having a cleft child. 1/100 of autism. 1/whatever the fuck it is of a neonatal death. Statistics on my side? Only if my bloody luck changes.

Merry - I hear you on the statistics. Matilda's syndrome was 1 in 14 000 and most kids with it lead happy and healthy lives after some initial health issues. So now when people say - that's only a 1 in 1000 chance like it's nothing, it doesn't sound like nothing to me.

Suzanne/Angela/Sarah - Hope the cycles are back to normal soon.

Monique - Are you still having to up the insulin or are things OK with the GD at the moment?

Fuck statistics. Caleb's thing was 1 in 250,000. I have no rational approach to odds.

People keep saying to me "don't see yourself as a victim of statistics, you've just been unlucky."

Blurrrrrrgh.

Thing is, I KNOW that 1/10 of Downs, for example, is also a 9/10 chance of not.

20% chance of conceiving each month if over 35 doesn't mean I'll get pregnant on the 6th month, it just means the same crap odds every month.

1/whatever of neonatal death doesn't mean I've had my bad luck.

My eldest has had surgery 8 times. Every time they say 1/10000 chance of death during routine surgery, don't worry. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Argh.

I'm coming up on 34 weeks and my doctor finally gave me a tentative c-section date: Sept. 2. It's helping me to have a target in mind especially since I have definitely hit the crazies over here.

To all those TTC, I know how frustrating it can be so I am wishing you good luck and patience. For me, my cycles were all messed up after my daughter was born until my doctor realized my thyroid was too. Getting that under control was a lifesaver.

As for statistics, they are completely meaningless to me. I suppose they are helpful for determining what kind of treatment or courses of action are appropriate, but they provide me with zero comfort. And I think from now on they never will.

Maddie - I seem to have found levels that are working for the time being. I expect that to change as I progress but for now, I'm taking various units w/each meal and then NPH (slow acting ) at night. How is yours doing?

Monique - Diet is working still but my fasting levels seem to be creeping up (have had two 5.2's this week) and I have no idea how to try and bring them down with diet. The fact they're already creeping and right on the limit at 29 weeks makes me think I'm probably going to end up on insulin at some stage.

5.2 doesn't sound terrible - my endo told me under 5.3 fasting is ok. Sounds like you're doing well. You can write me at mrajotte@shaw.ca so we don't take over this board! I'd love to talk with someone else who has GD. xo

I am in the middle of a cycle and I am pretty sure its not going to go my way. We have been trying for 10 cycles. My daughter died a year ago. I thought I'd be pregnant by now. After excessive bawling from the estrogen suppositories (fertiltiy treatment for thin lining) I decided to take the summer off. You know to get pregnant by not trying. I wish peace was easier to come by.

Oh, and Mindy-I can appreciate that your time with little Vivien is conflicting while you continue to grieve the loss of Henry. I also appreciate your honesty. I think that honesty helps heal hearts.

I havent written in here for a few months. I've been reading but to cautious to say that I am 9 weeks pregnant after going through IVF. Its extremely nerve wracking! I dont know how anyone goes on to have another baby because I am a bundle of nerves and I am just expecting soemthing to go wrong.
Congrats to the few babies that have arrived over the last few weeks, congrats to those pregnant, and wishing those of you ttc that a BFP comes your way soon

I'm 26 weeks now and the fear is still ever present. I find comfort in feeling the baby move, but sometimes when she is very active I worry about that too. And when she is quiet I panic. I had to have a scan of my legs because I had two sore spots, and my peri wanted to make sure they were not clots. It turned out OK but it was scary. My scan on Monday was good and she is growing well. I just wish I could take all the positives and not worry as much as I do.

cd27. i ovulated monday. just home from holiday. we have our referral letter for fertility testing. i'm hoping that fate's nasty sense of irony means that this means this is the month, but am pretty sure that if that's what's going to happen he'll twist the knife a litter further by making me miscarry.

i/'m doing ok in myself, but expecting all the very worst at the same time.

oh and wihle getting ready to go on hols sat morning i hit myself in the face (long story). i went straight from the airport to the optiicians when we got back. i have to go to the hospital in the morning as i might have a retinal tear. pls forgive any typos, my pupils are dilated and i can't focus. and i thought i was just disasteralising, preventing anything from going wrong by imagining the worst outcome, ie retinal detachment. i'm a little freaked that this time it miught not have worked.

ah well. it distracts me from worrying about being pregnant. honest.

B - if I were with you I'd give you the biggest hug, make you a pot of tea, whip up some cookies and plant you on the couch with a comfy blanket. I hope your eye is alright and that it heals up ok. And that this is the month. I really hope that this is the month for all of us.

I'm CD4. waiting to start vitex tomorrow to see if I can correct my LP (I just need 2 more days. 2 more, that's all). Trying not to obsess, but you know. FAIL.

I had my first appointment yesterday - 9 weeks. It was all fine until she checked for the heartbeat and she reminded me that it was probably too early and this was 'just for fun', and then there was that long moment with a quiet doppler, and then the sound of my own heartbeat, alone, and I realized that we'd been in this position before and it didn't feel like just for fun anymore. Luckily, she got it right away and stopped and we'll wait until 12 weeks to listen again, but it made me think about all the parallels up ahead of us. I used to find so much joy in being pregnant - one of those people who marvel at how amazing it is that their body can do this so perfectly.

Next visit is with a fetal maternal medicine specialist, to talk about clotting and the MTFHR issue and I don't even know what I want to hear. That maybe taking some baby aspirin would have saved my son? I guess I want to hear anything that might make this baby be ok, but it is all tied up with what I could have should have would have done before.

Good thoughts to everyone who is trying - it shouldn't have to be this hard for any of us.

Popping back in to say I'm thinking of all of you daily and what strange days it is at my house -- in a good way. Vivien is tiny but growing and I'm slowly recovering from the surgery. So proud of everyone, though feeling like a failure myself in many ways -- I suppose that's par though. Coming up on Henry's first birthday anniversary, a little scared and feel the sad creeping in. Has anyone video-taped the first anniversary, saying a few words, letting balloons go, or is that morbid?

thank you sarah! i wish you could. what i didn't mention is that i'm supposed to be travelling today to get to my sister's hen do. it's a family thing tonight then sat-mon with her friends. i REALLY hope i make it down....... but at the same time i just want to sit and recover.

i'm glad all's ok so far bridget. that wouldn't have been fun for me either.

mindy i'm glad vivien is ok! and that doesn't sound morbid at all. apparently when cameras were first invented people used to photograph EVERYTHING - including funerals and the like. when i first heard that it sounded morbid, but actually no, it makes more sense. why do we only record the good things? i suspect it can make the bad things harder to accept because we don't have a record of them in the same way as the good. does that make sense?

eliza that must be really hard for you. i hope you can find a line to walk that you're happy with. (ish)

Cindy - Hang in there. I had no idea how I was going to make it this far at the start but somehow I got here. We'll all be here with you.

Paula - I find the movement helpful too but then worry if it feels 'different' or there's heaps of it at once. The ever present fear is difficult to cope with.

B - Hope your eyes are OK and that you don't need that referral.

Bridgit - I find it hard to get away from the parallels even though this pregnancy is quite different to my last one. They're just there every step of the way.

Mindy - I don't think that's morbid at all. We have lots of photos from Matilda's funeral and I find them comforting. They're all memories - something which we all have far too few of with our precious babies. So glad Vivien is doing well.

Eliza - Hope you find an approach that works for you.

Hi to everyone else.