In my day to day life I feel incredibly alone. Not when I am able to read and share here, because this is the only place where this life is understood. But in the immediate world around me, I don't have anyone around me that truly understands what I feel like, except for my DH.

I also feel sometimes that my losing Devyn is discounted for a few reasons. For one that fact that he died at almost 17 weeks and people did not know or see him, and some seem to feel that because he was not full term, or tangible to them he really does not count. He had arms, legs fingers and toes, a sweet face, and a once beating heart. But to the medical community he was a fetal demise, not a still birth, not really a person, a fetus. The only reason I got a certificate he was real is because he was cremated and it was required. Sad that his ashes and a piece of paper are all I have of him.

Second the fact that I do have l/c that they make up for the fact that I lost one. (insert sarcasm here)Oh yeah, didn't you know? One child can replace another. Yeah you know you already HAVE children and "you should be grateful flr what you have". Gahhhh.

Third the fact that I am pregnant again, and I think the others think it should erase the daily hurt I have from losing my son. I have a friend who is like a sister to me who is pregnant also, and when she checks in she says to me "how are you?" I say "I'm OK". To that her reply is ALWAYS " You're just OK? Why just OK?" Well, just OK is all that I can muster right now, maybe all I'll ever muster. It's lonely here in real life where the world just carries on without you and you are still left on the date where your life was turned upside down and inside out with arms empty and aching.

I already have so much love for this baby I am carrying and it scares me that something bad might happen. i just want her here with me alive, and healthy. I feel like I have such a long way to go, such a long time to worry.

yes, yes, and yes. That is exactly how I feel. I'm not pregnant but I have a four year old and it seems that to everyone else my son never existed. I'm sorry your friend doesn't get it - our children are not interchangeable and we will always miss the ones that aren't here. You are not alone.

I feel alone ALL. THE. TIME.

There are so many people in my life who are parents, and I can tell the way that I am treated that I am not "one of them." Everyone has the 10 foot pole with me because they think I am either too broken, or they run off to their parent worlds and want little to do with me, left behind.

I feel like no one "gets it". I know closely a couple people who have lost a child, but I think it hits in different ways when you've lost a child and don't have any, because you not only lose your child, but your *identity* as a parent.

It's like every time I blink someone else is pregnant. Someone else has had a child. And no one gets it. And so few people can just treat me like ME THE PERSON not me the reminder that things can be horrible and all they can see is their kid dying when they look at me.

I totally get it, too, Paula. I lost my daughter at 21 weeks and there is definitely this sense of "oh, she wasn't that far along so how bad can it be??" I have two children so there's even more of the "she has two, so how big of a deal can losing one be???" At this point, almost seven months out (damn, has it been that long?), I feel as if Juliet never existed. My pregnancy with her never existed. And it is so, so lonely.

Oh, and "just okay" is enough. "Just okay" is actually amazing. It is so much better than just grief-stricken, just broken, just devastated. It is okay to be just okay.

I get it. I really do.

At least your friend understands that "OK" is actually code for "I'm having 10,000 different emotions right now but 99% of them are sad". I feel so often that when I say "I'm OK" people take it to mean "I'm great. Never better".

I have a hard time with this pregnancy so saying "I'm pregnant and I had a baby that died". Does anyone else feel that need to bring up their lost baby? It's been a difficult thing to not have to connect this baby with my lost baby. To come to turns that this is a unique person and they do not have to be and should not be always linked to a lost baby.

I totally totally know what you mean.

And in fact even if he was full term then people would still have been like "well he wasn't actually here yet" or some such thing.

That is one of the real ugly parts of baby loss... that we feel that we need to defend our child's personhood. The resounding cry of parents who've lost babies is "he/she was here. They are a person. They matter"

I think if people just gave it a little bit of thought they should be able to figure that out for themselves!