it has been 10 months, The pain is not constant, but it is strong. No one else can feel the pain or see the pain. no one understands or knows. The pain is intense everyday. I can't show the pain, i have to hide it. The suffering continues on.

I have no idea, Larry. I'm about at the same place, maybe a few weeks ahead.

Some days it still hurts so much it takes my breath away.

But for the most part, it's a gentle companion; it's not gone, but it is something I am used to.

I'm sorry it hurts so much for you right now.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please know that you are not alone. You have company on this misery journey. Men and women are among you, and these people know what it is like. You cannot see their pain, but it is surely there. The reason why you hurt so much is because you love your child that much. If you would lilke to tell us about your baby, we would love to know about him or her. Wishing you strength...

After 1 year and a half my pain is still here. It is gentle and bearable now. I am starting to see it as a friend that will be with me for the rest of my life. I also have to hide it. My other friends don't like to see it. Maybe they are jealous. I hope your pain gets lighter and more bearable with time. Hugs

Hugs Larry. I know that pain as well. Most of the time it isn't as strong now (coming up 9 months) but it still hits me on a daily basis and often leaves me crying.

Maddie x

Larry,

It kinda sucks being "the man" sometimes, eh? For one reason or another we've decided we have to hide our pain. I know for myself, on many days, it is just for the sake of being able to walk through my day. Sometimes it is because my wife actually seems to be having a decent day and I don't want to ruin it.

I'm just on the other side of a year since Joel's death. I had to find my ways of acknowledging my pain. Let me fix that: my healthy ways of acknowledging my pain. I say a silent hello to Joel in the mornings, say a silent goodnight in the evenings. Sometimes not so silent. In the few times when I get to be alone, I say it with deep, hard, earth-shattering and soul-freeing sobs.

Fact is, Larry, you're a father, and a good one. I know that because you're here, expressing the pain that is your love for your child. That pain never goes away because the love never does, but you find your ways to express it and it becomes...not easier, but a more acceptable part of your life.

Peace to you, good sir. We'll all be here if you need us.

I wanted to thank everyone for your thoughts and encouragements. I have a hard time some days and don't have any good outlets right now. I do have some hobbies but I don't always have the time or money for them. Anyway this site has been a great way to know that I am not alone. People do know and understand. Thank you internet for your discovery and our release. God bless you all.

I do have one more thing. If you have not read the book Shack, I recommend it. This book helped me in my healing. nothing can completely help but i found this book to be a great release for my pain.