I am feeling so many kinds of down and depressed it's not funny. I'll talk more about it later, I suppose. All chemical, and while I know logically this feeling will go away in a day or two, I feel so wretched and like such a failure it's hard to function and not just weep with frustration and sadness. My chance to be a mother to a living child before I turn 31 is now gone too. I feel like time is slipping away and I am powerless to stop it.

So I very much hope that you all have some positive updates for me, because I need some positive news right now.

Mindy and Jeannette, you two are at the top of my thoughts. One week closer. Keep breathing.

Oh Eliza. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. If you'll take it, I'm offering virtual hugs.

I do have good news. I have EWCM!! on CD14! Crazy! Maybe this will be a normal cycle with a normal LP or something. Eeeeps. Now must figure out how to help K feel better so we can get it on.

Thinking of everyone waiting, waiting.

Mindy - I saw your post on the other thread - I have faith that while GD has been diagnosed that you won't be travelling down the same path as last time.

hugs,
S

My temp has jumped again, and stayed there this morning, so I dunno. If it keeps up, I will end up triphasic.. who knows.

Eliza -- I am sorry hun, though I understand. If this month isn't it, I won't be having a kid by the time I turn 30, and I will certainly be a bit wiggy about that. I can guess at how you are feeling right now. *hug*

Sarah H -- KMFX for a timely O for you!

Eliza - I am sorry you are feeling down. Infertility is a drag. Not even my therapist seem to understand why I am so sad/upset (she will be fired).

I am on CD 20. I haven't been charting properly this month. During my most fertile 2-day period (I had fertile CM!) I was away from my husband. We do have a small chance, but very small. I had a really small probability to have a still born baby, but I did. Maybe the odds can be on my side this time.

I am trying to keep strong, realistic and hopeful. I am afraid my marriage won't resist too much long if I continue being the horrible (sad, negative, depressed, annoying, etc) person I became.

It's CD18 here, and now the OPK's I ordered 13 days ago have arrived just in time to be useless. I am pretty sure I O'd over the weekend as my temp dropped and has started to trend up. I better have O'd as both DH and I are tired of the BDing on command. (But at least we were in the same province at the time I O'd this cycle, that's positive right?)

Wednesday is DH's birthday so I am trying hard to make it a nice day for him.

Wishing peace to all and lots of kicks to the bladder, belly and ribs to the preggos. Mindy and Jeannette, you are so close now, you can do this.

I am going to jump in, even though we can't actively start trying for a couple more months. I found a new in the box basal thermometer at Goodwill the other day. Haven't used it, but sanitized the heck out of it even though the box was still sealed and read up on how and why and when to chart. I've never bothered before. I can usually just tell when it's time, but my cycle is getting shorter and shorter. I am certain I ovulated about 10 days ago and today I started spotting, which means period tomorrow probably. It started on the 16th last month. I am used to 30-33 days cycles with ovulation smack dab in the middle and a 13-14 day luteal phase. Of course, I was also used to not hemorrhaging every month, so... anyway. DH gets his reconnection consult on the 22nd and surgery on August 23rd. He needs to heal a couple weeks, so we'll miss September's ovulation, but October should be the start of TTC.

And Eliza- I read your blog. I wish we could drag our butts to the gym together ;-) If I ever manage to leave the house, I am going to challenge myself to walk further and further each day for coffee. That's like exercise right?

Hey mamas, this week is tough. I know Jeanette will be induced on Thursday, so happy for her and hoping everything goes smoothly!! I'm still scheduled for the 20th and everything appears normal and good but I'm still nervous every single morning that the baby has passed while I was sleeping. Every morning is an exercise in grief and anticipation and longing for this pregnancy to be over!

To everyone TTC or waiting, so much love and good thoughts your way! And thank you to all for helping to hold me up for the past 9 months.

Oh, and Sarah it's Maddie with GD -- many good thoughts and supportive vibes to her! And I agree, its a different situation and a different pregnancy (thought I know thats a difficult thing to wrap our minds around, that something new and better could actually happen).
Much love,
M

hi everyone,

Yes it's me with GD. Am feeling a bit more positive about managing it after last weeks meltdown. So far diet is keeping my levels under control and have been for walks the last two days. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

Saw my pysc today and going back again in 3 weeks. Seeing my ob on Thursday and endo next Tuesday. As Mindy and Sarah have said, trying to remember this is a different pregnancy but all these appointments is starting to make it feel more like the Matilda's one.

Eliza - Big hugs. Hope you're feeling better today.

Sarah - All the best with 'getting in on' ;-)

Jeanette - All the best for Thursday if you're reading. Hoping the induction goes quickly and smoothly and so looking forward to hearing your good news.

Mindy - Hang in there. I hate waiting to feel the baby move after I wake up as well. DH normally wakes up before me so now he waits to feel the baby move and then when I wake up, he tells me he's been moving.

Everyone else charting, TTC - Hope your cycles are regular and your BFPs are just around the corner.

Sadkitty - Sounds like you'll be all set to go come October. And exercise is exercise no matter what's at the other end :-)

Maddie x

Hi all, I'm reading, but not taking much in, I think the crazies have well and truly got me. I am thinking and hoping for you all though.
I've been to hospital this morning for a doppler scan, and then some monitoring, and all is well. My local hospital is fab, and they have totally taken the best care of me so far, but it's still stressful being there y'know?
I'm dealing with lots of well wishers and visitors atm, which is a bit overwhelming tbh, and part of me just wants to hide away. I'm so scared of letting everyone down again, and I'm not sure I can write on my blog right now and freak everyone out with my darker thoughts.
Love to you all. x

Jeanette, darling, you are doing so well.

May I suggest a couple of things? If you need to get these thoughts out and are afraid to share them with others - write yourself an email. You can then delete it (which may make you feel better, actually), no one else need see them and you can purge them. It really may help.

And if you need to hide - do it it. May not be able to do so for long, but taking a few minutes to yourself in the bathroom or the bedroom just to get.away.from.it.all is ok.

Whoops - Sorry Maddie / Mindy. My brain didn't engage apparently.

Jeanette - sending you calming vibes. You can only do so much, and I hope there's some zen out there for you.

Sadkitty - I'm glad you've got a timeline to work with. :-)

Cara, Francisca, Melissa, everyone else in the 2ww - fingers are crossed.

Eliza - hoping that today is a good day for you.

Afm - I'm angry and sad and frustrated today. Yesterday was full of promise, but I just feel bummed out today. K is really not feeling well, which i need to respect. He's been struggling with a stricture, then surgery, then recovery, then losing Foster kicked up the active disease and we're waiting for the meds to kick in (sometime between now and October). And so he's not in any mood when his guts have kicked up. He knows its go time, and last night I went to bed and he stayed up playing Sim City until I was well asleep. He's asleep now and I just feel so defeated, Why bother TTC? What's the point? Why chart, be aware, etc. Just because I want a baby eventually... whatever. This is more disappointing than getting a period. This is an opportunity wasted. I'm pretty sure I'm going to O today (temp was still low this morning) and I'm just so frustrated.

Fuck it today. I wish we weren't TTCing so I couldn't be disappointed about how he's not feeling well. (and man, this is a super selfish post. barf.)

I'm going to go clean something. I'm angry and sad.

Heh - I should read my posts before posting. K has Crohn's disease... not a new diagnosis, but it's been active for almost 2 years now. Anyway - that's the root of the problem right now.

Welp, FF says I'm officially triphasic as of today. Been feeling flushed and warm in the face, and not much else besides just being bloated. I was being all "This is dumb and messing with me, I don't FEEL anything, stupid mindfucking temperatures" and then I sat in my chair to enter my chart stuff and putter around and started feeling like my stomach is a gaping, queasy pit.

The Schrodinger's pregnancy stage makes me feel so batty. I don't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed, but sldkfjsdlfksdjfsdlfksdf argh!

i've been lurking. not got much to say atm. last month's cycle was screwed up. i ovulated cd25 (a full 8 days later than normal) then although my LP was ten days, my temp dropped after 9.

i saw my doctor today; she's referring us on for testing. to wherever has the shortest waiting list. seven months and nothing. and i just worked out yesterday that if i manage to get pregnant this cycle my due date would be 2 days before my 35th birthday. how the fck has it come to this? we started ttc when i was still 32 (... just). i can't get my head around it.

i've taken soy supplements this month. currently on CD11. i'm just hoping i ovulate at day 17 again like normal. no OPKs or anything this month, and no sex-every-day. i was losing it by the time i ovulated last month. this month we're sticking to every other day unless i happen to produce fertile CM. i'm not optimistic.

and i kinda feel like my blog has turned into the blog of DOOM where noone wants to say hi :(

i guess i'm having a bad week :(

i'm glad everyone else is doing ok.
x

F'ing FF is trying to tell me that I O'd on CD12 before all the EWCM started, which would mean all the sex which we forced ourselves to have in the last week was pointless. AARRGGHH. This makes no sense, why can't unprotected sex = pregnant like every sex-ed class teaches? (FF will probably re-calculate things based on tomorrow's temp but I needed to vent now)

Jeanette -- you aren't alone, the crazies are here with me, strongly. You are so very close though, this is the home stretch, you CAN make it, and so can he, I truly feel that. I'm fighting it too, the doom and gloom and scary crazy thoughts, you aren't alone.

Love to everyone, been thinking of taking a little internet break in the interim before Baby V arrives, if I dont check in before then will post an update on my blog for anyone who is interested (if you need blog permission just let me know here: indiebambino@gmail.com).....

I'm on CD 15, first month of trying clomid - we have ?secondary infertility. Awful pain on day 13-14 possibly indicating ovulation - but I ran out of the OPK tests so not sure if there was a LH surge or not. Something was surging! I can feel ovulation most months, but this was intensified by a zillion and on both sides. I don't do temps, I was told by my fertility specialist that it was a waste of time for me considering my work schedule.

Here's hoping....

well, i thought i was doing ok. then went to the doc today to learn my low platelet count is dropping. from what i can gather, if it goes too much lower i will either have to have a c-section under general anesthesia or forego all doctors' recommendations and try for a natural vaginal delivery. neither sounds good to me. i have an appointment with my ob tomorrow so we'll see what he has to say about it all.

i know i am just feeling sorry for myself (i can literally hear myself whining through this post), but why does this have to be so hard?

I have progressed way past "feeling flushed" now. I feel about 5 billion degrees. I am not running a fever, though I am pushing 99 degrees.

I should probably just bite the bullet and stop being neurotic about testing "early" (12 DPO is a perfectly reasonable time to pee on a FRER I guess) but I hate, loathe, despite, revile seeing that BFN and feeling stupid for thinking I might have been pregnant and testing, and for wasting a test and hating to be disappointed again.

But running around feeling like a little miniature fusion reactor is... unusual.

*sigh* I remember back in the day when everything was easier. I can't be the only one that actually hates testing that much? Am I that fucked up about not wanting more disappointment? Am I stalling because I am then going to worry my ass off about everything that can wrong? And I am not looking forward to barfing my ass off for 12 weeks. But I do want to be pregnant underneath it all, and have a kid. Why does first trimester have to be so awful? Argh.

I don't suppose I can have someone, unbeknownst to me, come steal my urine, dip a stick in it, and only tell me the results if it's positive?

I guess if I force myself to find a silver lining in this, I don't really have to worry about my progesterone being low, considering I must be leeching the stuff out of my pores with how much it's raising my temp and making me pee. (and crazy. Is crazy a progesterone synptom? Can I at least blame a little on the hormones?)

Just wanted to pop out of lurkdom to say that, Jeanette and Mindy, I am thinking of you.
I am wishing you-- and everyone else on this thread who is either pregnant or trying-- all the best.

Oh Melissa. You have nearly made me fall off my chair laughing. I am also neurotic about testing "early" for all the reasons you describe. If you ever do figure out a way to have someone do the whole urine stealing, testing in secret and only revealing positive results bit, do let me in on the secret. Just sick of seeing that one lonesome line on every single test.

Jeanette and Mindy, I'm thinking of you both as you approach this final stage.

Sorry that you've found yourself between a rock and a hard place, gmh217. You are more than entitled to feel sorry for yourself, that sounds like a very difficult situation. I hope your OB can advise and come up with something you feel, at least reasonably, happy with.

Hoping for you Anna. Surely all those physical symptoms must mean something is happening?

Sorry you are having a bad week B. You don't have the blog of doom my dear, I'm off to go and visit you just now!

Sarah H, I'm sorry K's not feeling good at the moment. You certainly aren't super selfish, just in an impossible situation.

Cara, if only it was as simple as those pesky sex-ed teachers make out.

Eliza and Francisca, much love to you both. I'm sorry. It is so tough and so very unfair.

Not much news from me. All my blood tests came back as within normal limits and we've decided not to pursue matters any further for the time being. So kind of calling it quits, at least for a while.

Hi ladies - I'm sorry I can't give much support this week. My family got hit by a super-virus and normally that would mean I would spend my sick days on the computer. However, because this is me and the universe hates me, the virus attacked my eyes and after a short time of trying to read anything I just can't see anymore (massive swelling and irritation - not actual blindness).

I'm sorry to be depressing but you are all so supporting and I could use a shoulder (or ten) to cry on. Even though I haven't tried long, I am giving up on TTC. The clomid is not working and the tracking is taking too much of a toll on my mental health. I hate myself a little more each day. I signed up for the parenting classes for foster-adopt. This was always in the plan but it was supposed to be later - when the kids we made ourselves were old enough to understand.

I'm just battling with a lot of self-loathing right now. I can't understand why my body has failed me so completely. And I feel really ungrateful for feeling this way when my first pregnancy is now a happy, healthy four year old.

Anyway - I'm wishing lots of peace and hope to all the preggos and ttc'ers. I'll come back and read updates when my eyes are better.

Jen, I am so sorry that you feel you can't go on with trying. I suspect that if I am still here TTC a year from now (when my living child will be 4) I could have similar feelings. There are many shoulders are here for you.

Jeanette, it's your big day and I hope so much that you have a beautiful babe in your arms right now.

Melissa, if I didn't live 2 days drive away, I would volunteer to come test for you so that you could do the same for me next week.

I've been lurking all week, but not commenting. I just got AF today. Not surprised, or disappointed (that much) really. I wasn't making a real effort at ttc this month. Just hoping, as Cara puts it, that unprotected sex=baby. I can say it's Ok it didn't happen this month because my body will have another month to heal from the c-section, I can focus on being very healthy this next cycle. So, right now, I'm drinking lots of wine! (will stop after tonight).

Jeannette - today's the day. You'll let us know, right?

Mindy - 5 more days. so close! we're here with you.

Jen- wishing you peace and get well soon

And everyone ttc or 2ww - thinking of and sending good thoughts your way.

Just had to share... I'm CD 18 and just did an OPK - for once the test line is super dark. YAY - I'm so excited that I'm going to O soon. (I feel like I'm waiting for Christmas or something). And K is feeling a bit better too, so fx that we can get it on.

I am away with limited access to the internet, but check in when I can.

I have made it to week 24, but I remain fearful. No one around me really understands. I just told my sisters this week that I am pregnant because where we are vacationing we will see a relative who is not known for keeping her mouth shut, and I did not want them to hear from her, (my stomach is rather obvious now) instead of me. I hated that too because I felt forced to say something. I have been feeling rather depressed and been having flashbacks about Devyn. I am having a hard time. I have not purchased a thing for the baby yet. I feel paralyzed to do so. Even the times when I have looked at baby things, not often I might add, my mind spins and I cannot think or see things straight. Just so scared. I wish I could fast forward to having my healthly living baby in my arms.

So who can manage to have a chart that looks like this: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b9a15 and still test negative?

ME. THAT'S WHO.

I am labeling myself "Unfit for human consumption" today.

i'm sorry melissa.

but your temp hasn't dropped yet and is rising again. did you test with early morning urine? give it a couple of days and if your temp is still high try again.

all my fingers and toes are crossed for you. it must be so frustrating.

me? i actually have hope again right now. it's lasted two days now. who'd have thought?

thinking of you too paula, and everyone else out here x

It was pee I'd had for almost 5 hours, which is about as long as I can hold it, at around 6:30 this morning right after I temped.

melissa i was standing in the shower this morning and suddenly thought about what i'd written to you and realised that although i'm meant to be comforting i'd come across patronising. i'm sorry.

still hoping that you get a positive test result in the next few days.

No worries, it didn't bother me, I was just answering the question. Sometimes it's one of those things you have to ask, like if someone is having computer trouble and you have to ask if they have tried rebooting it, first.

It was a FRER, too.

Just doing my best to wait until at least 10 DPO to POAS. Right now I keep telling myself to wait until after Mindy updates us with news about Baby V.

Paula, you are not the only person to keep your pregnancy under wraps. I have a friend from a support group who is 33 weeks along and they still haven't told her husband's family. If I do get a BFP I think I will be shopping for mu-mu's so I can hide things as long as possible.