Since the other one broke 50 and it's Monday . . .

How is it going?

I ovulated! The way my cycles have been, that alone feels like a victory!
Chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b9a15

So I'm feeling a little more up today. Hopefully all is well for the rest of the ladies here, too.

How funny, I was coming back here to find your chart but opened this first. Heh

Woohooo! Looks like we both ovulated on cd 27. You are just a couple days behind me then. . . very cool.

I'm waiting on an update from Jen. Aren't you 12 dpo today?!?!

Yay for Ovulation!
And I saw that Anne had a good scan with one baby with a hb. That's excellent news. :-)

We're supposed to be leaving on our road trip today, but will leave tomorrow morning instead. I'm CD7 and should start peeing on OPKs soon to see if we can hit it this month, but even if that's successful, it depends if my lp will sort itself out.

I'm soothed by the increase in activity over here - it gives me hope that soon enough I can join the anxious expecting instead of feeling so empty. I need something to look forward with.

medusa alert: I am starting to wonder if I'm experiencing some postpartum depression though. K is still ill and things feel so dark some days that the idea of taking all the sleeping pills is actually quite comforting. I'm not going to, but the thinking about it freaks me out a little. I used to be a super positive, get through anything kind of person and I don't feel that strength anymore, and wonder what is the point of going on. I will because I want a living child and have faith that this is just a part of my grief and burnout, but some days it feels so pointless. It only already been 11 weeks, and I have no idea whether this is normal or not. I'm hoping it is.

oh sarah i'm so sorry things are so dark.

i feel pointless too some days. not as much now as early on.

do you have good real-life support?

thinking about you.

me? waiting for ovulation to come around. it'll be a while yet. being much healthier, suddenly. lots more fruit and veg. exercise. less caffeine, less alcohol. and mentally doing a lot better. much calmer. much more myself again.

i'm hoping that all that means that maybe this can be the month. but trying not to expect anything.

I'm sorry to hear about how you are feeling, Sarah. Honestly, if you feel up to it, talk to your doctor. He/she can help you determine whether this is something that may be chemically related or may be more mentally based and give you an honest assessment of whether or not anti-depressants might be a good choice for you.

I was very, very opposed to them, because of bad experiences my mother had. But in the end, the physicality of it was wearing me down, quite badly. Not sleeping restfully at all, not able to concentrate, feeling constantly low - anti-depressants were the best choice I could have made for myself. I only wish I'd considered them after my first miscarriage, because I think things would have been different.

Take care of yourself, hon.

Sarah - I second talking to your doctor. If you are feeling worse than you were that sounds more like postpartum to me. Hopelessness in our situation is pretty common but if it is really dragging you down it might help to have a little help. I don't think I would have made it through this without my ADs. I was also thinking about death alot and it really scared me. I hope it gets better for you soon. It's just so damn hard to be in this place and figure out what is normal.

Eliza and Melissa, I'm glad to hear you ovulated! That's great news. My temps are still high but all the pregnancy symptoms went away. I guess that was just the clomid. I'm on 12 dpo today and had a negative test so I'm losing hope for this cycle. Part of me will be relieved if I'm not, though. I have an MRI for my back scheduled wednesday and I would have to cancel if I'm pregnant. It would be nice to have a functioning back while carrying around 20-40 extra pounds. I'm pretty depressed that my back is not better. I can't do any of the things I enjoy that would help with the grief. My whole life is sucked up with medical problems right now, it's exhausting.

At least if I'm not pregnant yet I can live vicariously - I'd love to hear some more pregnancy updates. I'm rooting for all of you and could use the good news of a healthy birth.

B - I'm so glad you are doing better. Do you think the meds helped?

Sarah --
I went through a fairly mild bout of depression after my miscarriage. It was dark and apathetic and hopeless in a way that had all the positivity sucked right out of it. It was very different than the grief after losing my son. I understand how you say that you used to be a positive person, but don't feel the strength to do that anymore; I felt like that too. I am too stubborn to go see anyone for "mere" mild depression, but it did fade with time.
I hope you start to come out of the dark, and talk to your doctor or someone if you need to.

Anne - I saw your update in the other thread. So happy you got to see that heartbeat.

Melissa and Eliza - Yah for ovluation. Fingers crossed this is your cycle.

Sarah - I wouldn't say what you're feeling is 'not normal' - I remember that timeframe clearly. The shock had worn off, the cards had stopped, people imagined I was getting on with my life, and all I could see was emptiness. It might be worth going to your doctor. I see a psychiarist and up until about 5 months he kept saying the isolation, the crying, the exhaustion was all normal. At about 5 months we discussed anti-ds. I'm pregnant again and not sure how much of the feelings at that stage were attributable to approaching my 20 week scan (that's where things first started going wrong with Matilda). I'm feeling slightly better now and we're going to hold off for now but if I feel like things are getting worse again, I'll consider them. I also used to be very positive, extroverted, etc. And I'll admit to feeling glad when I realise it's almost time to go to bed - I pretty sure this isn't a healthy way to be thinking but it's what I've got at the moment.

B - glad you're feeling more like yourself. I have days where that happens too and it gives me some hope for the future.

Me - 22 weeks yesterday and moving between feeling reassured by kicks and then anxious when they stop. DH, our dog, and I went for a short walk yesterday. It's a long time (early pregnancy with Matilda) since I've done any exercise and it shows but it was nice to get out in the fresh air. We're planning to try and do it most days. Our dog (a labradour) thinks it was particurlarly fun.

Thanks to everyone who replied on also being food crazies. While I wish none of you were going through this, it makes me feel less alone.

My Mum and Dad are coming to visit on the 28th (they live in NZ and I'm in Australia) so that's my next point of reference I'm working towards one slow day at a time....

oh jen i'm sorry it's not looking good for this month. i'll keep my fingers crossed that you don't have to wait long hon.

i think the ADs have definitely helped. I'm on a low dosage - the doc was talking about maybe putting it up but i'm reluctant to do so unless i do get noticeably worse again. It's hard to know what to think though... mostly i'm doing ok, some days i am really well and feel like me again, but then at the end of last month i got really, really bad again - granted only for a few days, but still. i guess if that happens again then i do need to think about upping the dosage. i just don't want to if i don't have to. i'd like to get by on as low a dosage as i can in case i do get pregnant.

it's weird actually, work is really stressing me out at the mo - i've only been back two weeks and they've not really looked after me this time as much as they did before. i've told them i'm very stressed though and when my line manager's back from leave i'm going to tell her that i actually need a lot of support and more regular meetings with her for a while. i think part of the problem at the mo is that she isn't there. ah well. i'm doing a lot better in that i can cope with this. if i was bad still, i would have had to go off again by now.

maddie i'm glad you talked about ADs and have got a plan for when to consider them. and i'm glad the baby's kicking even though it's worrying when she stops. well done on going for a walk, it's a huge step when it's been such a long time and you deserve to give yourself credit.

oh and i've got a new blog http://nongeordiemum.blogspot.com and over the weekend i wrote out the details of my pregnancy and most of what happened. i'm really glad that it no longer exists just in my head. it was hard to write but i'm glad i did.

Just trucking along, miserable frankly, more scared and anxious than I have felt the entire time. 33 weeks on Thursday, just praying and praying I can get to the end with a live baby. My mind frame is extremely negative lately, something I wish I could surmount, I really want to feel happy and expectant, but I just CANT, it feels impossible. I think I'm starting to worry my OB, who thought I would start feeling happy at the end and not terrified and miserable all of the time. I cant wrap my mind around bringing this baby home, I just dont believe it.

Mindy - Big hugs. Are you having anymore scans or anything like that? It seems to be quite common to get more anxious again as the end gets closer.

B - How are you getting on at work? They've started giving me some bigger chunks of work recently (I've been there about 5 years longer than anyone else in the team so it's to be expected really) and I was apprehensive about it but I've been pleasently surprised by the fact I can still do my job well. I just didn't think I'd be able too. Having said all that, I'm only working two days a week and most of that from home. Really don't think I'd be coping at all if I was anything close to full-time.

Maddie x

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Mindy. I think it's perfectly natural to get more nervous and upset the further on you get and the closer to birth you are. We all know here how wrong things can go even when they've been fine. One day at a time. Sending hugs.

I'm glad you're coping so well with work Maddie, especially considering how close you were to leaving at one point. You're doing really well. (And I just realised I said 'she' when talking about your baby. I don't think you've said whether you know whether it's a boy or a girl. I guess I think it must be a girl. I'm sorry if that was hard for you to see.)

As far as work goes for me, after a subsequent month off people don't seem to have realised that I really needed to work up slowly again. I was given a big piece of work that I actually enjoyed in some ways - the problem is that I wasn't given enough time (and partly that I didn't realise how much time I would actually need). So I had to keep going to my manager and saying 'I need more time', partly because it took me an age to actually make myself start properly. And that just stressed me massively (even though he never sounded annoyed by it) and I couldn't even go through my emails or intray properly to see what else I should have been doing.

Ah well. I'm not in the office today (off this morning and doing a test for an NVQ I'm doing this afternoon) and I told both my managers last night that I was getting very stressed and they were nice about it. At the end of the day they don't want me make me go off sick again, so hopefully I'll be OK.

All this doesn't help in the whole TTC thing though. I have FINALLY got to my copy of TCOYF and feel better for reading it again, although very sad as it's the first time I've read it since August last year. Got a few more things to think about. Hopefully even if this isn't the month maybe next one will be.

I didn't mean to write such a screed! How is everyone else?

I'm doing pretty badly today. My last test this morning at dpo 14 was negative, temps are dropping. I have my MRI tonight and got kicked out of physical therapy yesterday. I've used up all the visits my insurance approved so to get more I have to have another referral after my MRI. I'm getting scared they are going to want to do spinal injections and/or surgery. I'm really depressed that my back isn't better. It feels like double unfairness after losing Aiden. The oil has started washing up on our beaches and work has suddenly become insanely stressful. There are giant gaps in communication and no one really knows what is going on. We get told an hour before hand to gear up for a massive sampling effort that we don't really have the equipment or manpower to handle. I'm just super exhausted and really, really need some alone time. I haven't even had time for a two minute blog update. The other thing was that we suddenly had to withdraw my dd from her daycare yesterday because of what has been going on there. I found a new one and got her in today but it was really stressful on all of us and I'm worried about her. Sorry to be whiny, I just don't have anyone else that would understand why I can't handle all of this at once.

I don't know what to say jen, but I am sorry everything is stacking up to be so trying right now. I hope you can find some peace somehow.

oh jen, i'm so sorry. you have so much going on and you sound exhausted.

i hope your daughter is ok and that work gets easier to cope with (although i know that's unlikely).

i don't know how anyone would be able to handle all that at once. i don't understand why people can't be more supportive. i'm thinking of you hon xx

Sarah, I think being hopeless and miserable is normal, but thinking about the sleeping pills might not be. I had a depressive episode a few years ago (not baby-related) and that was the issue that seemd to really freak everyone (hubsband, doctor, counsellor) out. I did go on meds for about a year and don't regret it as they gave me the ability to work on my issues and not be swamped by the symptoms. However since you can't do anything to change what happened to Foster it might just be about buying you some time until things aren't so overwhelming.


I am confused about my cycle. It's CD11 and I haven't ovulated (at least according to BBT) but I had EWCM starting at CD6 and it got my hopes up that maybe I would ovulate early and I could get pregnant despite being away from my husband from CD9 to CD19. Now the CM has gone away and I am left wondering what is going on.(I hate that we are all here obsessing about getting pregnant instead of enjoying our children.)

I'm sorry I've been busy and away and that things have been not great for some of y'all. I hope that with the approach of the weekend that things get a little better.

As for me, well, today is 9 dpo. My temps have been very odd - I had a huge jump to signal ovulation, and then they pretty well just stayed there. Normally, I have a small increase and slow rise. This time, just flat. 97.0, 97.1, 97.0. 97.1. I had some excitement one day when I jumped to 97.2 . . . but then this morning I had a pretty jump to 97.4. That is sort of exciting.

I have lots of 'symptoms' - the sort of normal stuff, that seems to be more than usual but is probably in my mind. My breasts are extremely tender to touch, and feels like (in my head) more so than usual. I've had several waves of nausea flow over me, including an incident yesterday, where I grabbed the trash can and did some deep breathing over it for a few minutes. That sort of thing. I had some bad cramps yesterday throughout the day, which is pretty abnormal for 8 dpo - way too early to be period cramps, but they were sort of strong. Then, they went away. Nothing since last night. I'm totally exhausted and despite going to bed early, not sleeping particularly well - in a lot of ways, I feel sort of fluish, but clearly without a fever.

I did break down and take an internet test (damn husband, being right). There was a slightly darker than white area where the line should be, but nothing I would remotely call a positive. I think I've just gotten very good at spotting test lines over the last 2 years and hundreds of tests I've taken. . . Still, for the moment, I remain hopeful.

KMFX for you, eliza.

There's a TTC group in a corner of babycenter I've been poking my nose in, and there's been 3 BFPs in the last week or so; it seems to be baby explosion time in the corners of the internet I haunt, and I really hope that extends to you.


(I hope you don't mind if I am extra crazy. I'm 7 DPO and so I can feel the insane part of the TWW coming on. It's like before that I know nothing could possibly be going on so I don't worry about it, but this morning when I woke up to temp and remembered it was 7 DPO I felt my heart race for a second. My goal is to not go too nuts for the next ten freaking days before I'd be 'late'. All the BFPs are making me extra twitchy about being left out again. I can legitimately dig down and find some happiness for others that have been through hell before and really deserve that BFP, but everyone else is lucky if they can get a routine social contract congratulations out of me before I go hide in a corner.)

Eh, I took enough American political theory to know that social contracts are overrated. ;)

Yeah, 6-7 dpo is when I hit obsessive territory, and then I really start to lose it around 10 dpo.

So I wish you sanity. More than I currently possess anyhow!

Oh do I have a story about complete lack of sanity, getting lost in Tacoma, and ambush crazy at the mall but I don't know that I have the patience to type it up from my phone. It is a special kind of story that I know you ladies here can commiserate/understand but would probably leave most people backing away from me slowly.

At this point I'd like to have caught the egg just because it might excuse my being so damn overemotional about this afternoon.

Yay for all you ovulating ladies! Hope that you manage to hold on to your sanity during the waiting bit. Crossing my fingers and toes for you. Hope you bring your internet baby explosion over to our neck of the woods Melissa.

Sarah H - I'm so sorry that things are dark for you at the moment and that K is ill. I know I found it very difficult to untangle what was grief, what was hormones and what was depression. I'm still uncertain now. I would agree with many of the previous posts, perhaps go and speak to your doctor if you can face it? I'm just worried to hear you describe the change in yourself, from being super positive to such a dark place.

B - hurray for sudden healthiness, calmness and being more yourself. That all sounds lovely. Hope that work settles down. It is difficult to go from a 'standing start' as it were into a major project. Unfair of them to ask you to I think.

Maddie - well done on the walk and I hope that your little one stays nice and active to reassure you.

Mindy - keep trucking. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I can only imagine, these last few weeks must be incredibly stressful.

Oh Jen. Ick. It sounds as though you are in the eye of the storm on all fronts. That is way too much. Hope you get a few minutes to yourself and that your dd settles into her new daycare well.

Well, I've just ordered a copy of TCOYF from Amazon. Thank you for the recommendation all. I'm happily OPKing (if that right? is that what I'm even doing?! Sticks with smiley faces or empty circles? Please be patient with the acronym newbie!) waiting to see when (or if) I ovulate. Waiting to go and get my cd3 blood test done. Researching the cost of private fertility testing. Unable to decide if I am just being way too impatient or if it would make sense to go and get some of these things checked out. I don't know, feeling pretty hopeless about the whole enterprise at the moment. I wonder if the twins were some kind of final hurrah on my body's part? But I'll take that parting shot from my fertility as it wandered out of the building and be incredibly grateful for my lovely girls. Perhaps I'm just being greedy anyway.

Hi all, I'm late to this thread but have had you all in my thoughts this past week. We had a brief holiday in Scotland which seems to have given me a little breathing space, and I've come home feeling more energised and even enthusiastic. I'm even feeling fairly optimistic and bought a pram this morning.
I was going to set it up then pack it away, but once it was set up I said to Woody that it'd be a great big fuck you to the universe and all those bloody stupid old superstitions if we didn't, so it's there in our dining room under the photo of Florence, and it makes me happy...I can't explain that *at all*. (Oh and I totally get why some of us can't do this, supertitious or not)
x