I just had a sad experience this morning, when I went onto Facebook to type a Happy Birthday message to my sister and found that she had deleted me off of her account and we were no longer "friends". I gather that she is upset that I haven't "reached out to her" enough since Henry's death. She's been pretty strange honestly, never offering to visit, but everytime I see her telling me that she would do "just anything" for me, but when I invite them down to see us she never has the time. She also wrote a letter to my state congressman concerning my midwife and her actions (in a very graphic and innapropriate letter) at my birth and sent it without my permission -- and I let her know that that made me feel uncomfortable, and never ever heard back from her. Now today I go to wish her a happy day and find she's deleted me. REALLY? I mean she's my sister. I called my mother and she wouldn't get involved, wouldn't even talk about it with me. There were also issues of my sister a few months ago going onto online chat forums that I frequent and reading my posts and passing information onto other family members -- without my knowledge or permission. I get that she was trying to be helpful in her own way, but it just felt very invasive.

I guess I just feel fed up with people who feel like if you don't jump all over them and thank God they've offered to help you while you're grieving then you're being ungrateful. Frankly I didnt want or need what my sister seemed to be offering, and when I tried to tell her what I DID need, she ignored it and got hurt and huffy with me. I hate that I feel this way but I feel like I've just got to wash my hands of this and let it work itself out, if it does. I just dont have the mental or emotional energy.

Has anyone else experienced this with friends or family? The expectations of how your supposed to act and react to what they're offering? It just feels like selfishness to me, on their part. Am I wrong?

I think grief is selfish in itself. That's not a judgment that it is a bad thing. But when you are caught in your grief, you tend to be more self-focused. The pain keeps your eyes focused in close. People around you will grieve your loss for themselves, and there are some relationships that just don't survive it. Sometime a friend warned me about is that everyone is going to want to relate to you about *your* loss with how they feel affected by it.

It's not fair, and your pain is more acute, more relevant -- it was your lost son, and you had every right to hurt. But your sister also has a right to grieve losing her nephew, and grief often brings out the uglier parts of ourselves.

I remember once my mom complaining *TO ME* about how terrible her life was and how she had lost her grandson and woe is me. I was so pissed off, and awkwardly got the hell off the phone, fast as I could. I get that she has right to be upset about that, but complain to someone ELSE please. Because if we're having a "wah Caleb is dead" pity party, I win this one. Maybe that is selfish too, but you have enough of your own hurt without everyone expecting you to shoulder theirs too.

If your sister is angry at you because you didn't do what she wanted to with your grief, that's her problem. It is a selfish expectation of hers that you would reach out to her, behave the way she wanted you to, etc.

All I can say is it happens, it sucks, and if you want to be the bigger person and mend fences, you may have to make an overture to your sister, and keep in mind that while she is being selfish, she may be hurting too, and that is okay. If you don't want to be the bigger person, or don't have it in you right now (I understand, I've been there, I purposefully let friendships die because I didn't have it in me to make it work when they were being trying) then step back, let your sister hurt, and let time dull the sharp edges.

Oh, Mindy, that is so horribly shitty, I don't even know where to begin. Honestly, it seems like there has to be a mistake. Surely, your very own sister couldn't be offended by ANYTHING that you could've done since you lost your son, right??? It seems impossible to imagine.

That being said, I have no doubt that people in my life have had expectations of me-- expectations that I have sorely disappointed-- in the months since my loss. One of my best friends had a baby a few months ago and, trust me, even though she would never say it, I KNOW that she is upset by my lack of enthusiasm and lack of contact. But, you know what? In my head, I say a big "F- U-" to anyone who feels that way. I don't have the energy to take care of anyone but myself. I don't have the energy to make things okay for everyone else. If people can't even attempt to put themselves in my shoes (and, honestly, I think very few people have made this attempt) then that is their problem.

It all comes down to the fact that very few people get this unless they've gone through it. If your sister can't get it then, seriously, it may just be time to let her exist in her own deluded world without interference. Just focus on yourself and, if she comes to her senses, then hopefully your relationship can be repaired.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Yes.

I was 'yelled' at (via email, hence the quotes) because I wouldn't let my friends help me. I was scolded for not appreciating the things they did for me - things I never asked for, wanted, or needed - for being passive aggressive when they read themselves into my posts on my blog, so on and so on.

We're not friends anymore, and I can remember the day I realized they'd dropped me on FB and how awkward I felt. I can remember the day I realized they'd blocked me on g-chat, and how hot and squirmy and ashamed I felt. But I can also remember how it felt to scream at the top of my lungs what I needed and be told that wasn't what I needed at all and what I needed was actually this and that.

I think Melissa is totally correct - people do need to relate to your loss by relating how it's effected them. And that, I think I can live with. I prefer that people just abide with me in my pain, but I can take their pain to a degree.

What I can't take is when someone takes my loss and shines it on them like a beacon and makes it their own stage for drama. Woe is them for what they've experienced. Give them credit for how awesome they are. See what good friends/relations/people they are? They've done this and that and that and this and by God they want the applause. Because they aren't doing it for you, they are doing it for them. It's not about supporting you in your time of need, it's about how awesome they are. That, I can't stand.

Sometimes, even when things are well-intentioned, they are wrong, painful and hurtful. I can recognize good intentions, but I can't always let things slide just because they were meant well. It doesn't remove the hurt. Which is why my friend Kate was totally amazing. Very early on she wrote me and said - Look. I can't tiptoe around you. I can only be myself. That is going to mean that sometimes I'm going to say pinchey things that hurt you or that I'm going to stomp on your toes without realizing it. I need you to know that's unintentional and I need you tell me if you are hopping up and down holding your foot. Ok?"

And that was awesome. And we are still friends.

I don't have good advice about your sister. Because she's family and that's a little different. But it sucks. And you aren't alone in that.

This is all true, yes. I do have a small piece of me that feels guilty that I can't feel sorry for other people for being sad that MY son is dead -- I think I just left that behind somewhere when I decided that I had to survive. I wish she could get that, that its not that I dont see that she's hurting and sad that he's gone, but that I can't give any part of myself to HER grief, because my own is so encompassing.

I think I'm just going to let it lie. I feel like the things that she's done have been inappropriate to the point of being ridiculous, and that if I acknowledge them, and get into it with her, then I'm just throwing myself down into that muck, and I've already got so much muck of my own. Getting through the next 6 1/2 weeks has been all thats on my mind lately, just getting to the f-ing finish line, and maybe getting to bring home a baby this time. I think she just doesnt get that, and sees me as being standoffish when really I just have to focus so that I dont fall off this high wire.

Mindy - Your sister's behaviour sounds very inappropriate to me. Maybe it's better just to steer clear for the remainder of your pregnancy and move on without ever acknowledging it? My thought would be that if she thinks that's appropriate behaviour there's probably nothing to be gained by getting into a conversation with her about it.

Eliza - 'What I can't take is when someone takes my loss and shines it on them like a beacon and makes it their own stage for drama. Woe is them for what they've experienced. Give them credit for how awesome they are. See what good friends/relations/people they are? They've done this and that and that and this and by God they want the applause. Because they aren't doing it for you, they are doing it for them. It's not about supporting you in your time of need, it's about how awesome they are. That, I can't stand.'

This is what I've been trying to say about a couple of friends but haven't managed it anywhere near as clearly as you. When I first saw my SIDS counsellor after Matilda died, she specifically warned me that some people would react like this but I couldn't really imagine it at that point - I can now.

I've had two specific instances - both friends who've never been pregnant and don't have children. One I used to cycle with regularly before I got pregnant but saw maybe twice during my pregnancy and just after I'd been through hell at 20 weeks with the scan and amino knowing that Matilda was going to need surgery after she was born and met her for coffee and explained most of this, her very next question was 'Are you still going to the gym?'. At that point, I realised she was never going to get it. I didn't see her for the rest of the pregnancy. After Matilda died, she kept texting and ringing wanting to know when we could 'catch-up for lunch'. I just kept ignoring them till word got back that she'd been calling mutual friends wanting to know why I wasn't replying and she was 'worried about me'. So I text her and said 'Thanks for the support but it's going to be months not weeks before I feel like doing anything like that'. Then a couple of weeks later (4 and 1/2 weeks after Matilda died) I got a letter that literally started 'I hope things are starting to get back to normal'. UGH. I've been in contact via email a couple of times but don't really have any intention of seeing her again at this point.

Another friend I was close too (she was part of our wedding party just over a year ago) but again just can't relate which I know isn't her fault, it's just the way it is. She was coming round each week to see me and tbh I don't really get anything out of the visits - they just feel like something to be done. Because she can't relate, I don't actually talk about anything I'm feeling. Then before I went away to NZ and my scan I just stopped answering phone calls and again, heard back that she'd been calling mutual friends and arrived home to a 'I'm worried about you, let me in' email. So I took a deep breath and replied with the following:
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Everything's fine. I know you're worried about me but feeling like I need to check in with everyone that's worried about me to reassure them I'm OK every week is actually more stress for me. I know you miss me and want to support me and I love you for that and appreciate it. Unfortunately though, the place where I really feel support is from other Mum's that have been through this and generally I find it exhausting to be around people at the moment. I'm working a bit more now so a lot of the time just want to be at home by myself or with Mick.

Please believe me when I say I have enough people keeping an eye on me and supporting me. I think you've got more than enough on your plate already and your family needs you more than I do at this stage.

I don't say of this to hurt you and I really hope you're not - it's just the reality of what's a difficult time for me.
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And now I've heard nothing. I've sent an email to see if she was going to a meditation class we both go to and got no response to that either. I don't think I've got the energy to try and explain this to her face to face so I'm just letting it be for now.

This is a huge novel so I think I'll leave it there - sorry for hijacking your thread Mindy but this is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. I just wish that people could see that respecting our wishes is the best way to offer support - not what they think is the best for us.

Maddie x

Short story time:

One of the friendships I let die (mostly because I couldn't stand speaking to this person after some of the shit they said/did, and didn't want to get into it) was someone who...

A. While my son was on ECMO after crashing after his heart surgery, told me "I know just how you feel, we were so scared when [daughter] had jaundice."
This about sent me through the moon. Jaundice isn't even in the same universe as being on life support after coding after surgery for your laundry list of heart defects that will never get fixed and suffering a substantial brain bleed. You know how I feel?! Really now.

B. After my son died, literally back to back said "Sorry to hear about Caleb. Hey, check out this video of [daughter] blowing raspberries." It's a damned good thing we moved 1200 miles away and I can't actually kill anyone with my crazy through the internet; jail probably sucks.

Hopefully, stories of other people's jerks will help you feel better, Mindy. Cause it's not anything you did wrong, people just are inconsiderate.

Oh Mindy, I am so sorry this just sucks. In my opinion, (for what it is worth), your sister was/is inappropriate. Of all times to have to go through this. Actually, anytime would suck. My family, my parents mostly, were less than there for me when we found out Devyn was sick, and then died. They never say his name or acknowledge him as a grandchild.

My oldest sister lost her first child, a daughter, full term through medical mal practice when I was 13 years old. I remember being devastated for her at my age. Going to the first day of school in total shock. There was of course a memorial service and funeral for my niece. At my parents church every year to commemorate her birth there are alter flowers, and I was one who would make the floral arrangement. She has always been remembered and counted as a daughter, grandchild, and niece.

But when Devyn died, there was nothing. I was shooshed whenever I would talk about him. No one came to the hospital with me except my husband. There were no alter flowers for him. When I showed my mother his footprints and urn, there was no response she just changed the subject. My oldest niece was pregnant at the same time I was with Devyn, and then Devyn died. When she was given a baby shower I managed to (barely) purchase a gift and sent it along with a family member. I did not go, and I got all kinds of flack about not attending from certain family members. I was told that they had to keep HER from cying! Imagine that, SHE was crying. (insert sarcasm here)

Only after I screamed at my mother, a little under year later, did they do something at the church for Devyn. But even then it truly wasn't just for him. They put alter flowers there for him, but at the same time they put the flowers there for my niece who died, and also my brand new living nephew. I know I sound bitchy but to be honest it was "a day late, and a dollar short" as far as I am concerned. Devyn's death "celebrated" with a new birth... my living, breathing, nephew? And way after the fact at that on top of it? SERIOUSLY?

So, I guess I am saying that I agree that family does act inappropriate, too, and I completely understand you "letting it lie" for now. You have to concentrate on your grief for Henry, and your current pregnancy. I don't see how there is any room left in your mind and thoughts for anything else. Though painful, and beyond insensitive your sister's behavior is, at this point in my opinion it's not what you need to spend your energy on. You have enough to fill your head.

Hugs to you, Mindy.

Oh Paula that makes me so sad. I can't believe they treated you and Devyn's memory like that, how sick and wrong. Its just unbelievable to me how some people can be in such incredible denial that A CHILD HAS DIED and that our worlds are beyond altered. I suppose I'm lucky that my mother does acknowledge Henry and has a picture of him up in her house but she never brings him up and when I say his name it seems like family members get very hushed. I know they dont know what to do but its just silly to act as though people, CHILDREN, dont die -- and when they do, that its important to remember them and talk about them or else it feels like they never existed.

So many hugs to you Paula, I'm so sorry your family behaved that way.
Love
Mindy

Paula, this is heart-breaking. I am so sorry that Devyn wasn't properly acknowledged by your family. A day late and a dollar short indeed.

I'm sorry about your sister's behaviour Mindy. I don't think you're wrong. As other people have said, sadly you've got the trump card on this occasion. You shouldn't have to rise above it and be the bigger person but you might just have to. Which is unfair. I'd go with Maddie, perhaps just avoid her over the coming weeks. And the whole people never die thing? Incredibly silly, I agree.

Eliza - Your friend, Kate, sounds lovely. I wish that all your friends had been so honest and supportive.

Maddie - for what it's worth, I think that e-mail was beautifully worded and very gentle. If she doesn't respond to something put so kindly, I don't see what else you could have done.

Melissa - After A, to say nothing of possibly even more mind-blowing B, I think a plea of 'I took revenge via crazy through the internet' would probably have been more than allowable.