I just feel beaten lately, so incredibly DONE with this grief and even with this current pregnancy (though please dont get me wrong, there is gratitude in my heart for this baby unlike anything I've ever experienced, and yet I feel like I am being punished still in many ways as I can't enjoy this pregnancy, and I feel so scared all the time, I'm just exhausted with longing for this time to bring JOY instead of sorrow.). I just can't relate to other pregnant women, I feel like everything I say is fake. What I really want to say alot are things like "hope you get to keep your baby", or "don't count on that". I want to feel happy and expectant as I enter the third trimester, but I'm just scared, more so than I have felt this entire time. I'm worried now that I feel attached to this baby I have something to lose.

Oh Mindy, I do wish there wasn't an ocean between us, because maybe if we were closer we could prop each other up.
I feel just as you describe. I'm exhausted by my grief and my longing and my worry, but at the same time so incredibly grateful for this opportunity of happiness, and terrified too.
I just can't see the third trimester getting any easier (I'm 26 weeks today), only harder.
Everyone thinks I'm doing great, and yeah I'm coping, but the constant ache in my chest and the whirring of my brain, and the flashbacks.....
I'll be your bereaved bump buddy, and maybe you can be mine?

Love Jeanette

Oh, Mindy and Jeanette. I wish I had any words of wisdom for you. I don't. I can only say that the fear is completely understandable. Maybe it is best not to try to fight it, but to let it sit within you. It will lose some of its power that way.

I wish I had words of advice or comfort, and I just don't.

Much love to both of you.

Jeanette: It's so strange, we are almost exactly at the same stage in pregnancy (Am 27 weeks today), maybe it's something to do with where we are right now? These babies are seeming more and more REAL but yet they are still so far away from us. So much hugs to you. And I would love to be your bereaved bump buddy. lol, that actually made me smile, thank you.

Steph: I know you are right. There is no use fighting it, it only makes me grow more embittered. I think I have to accept that this pregnancy will not be a "happy" one for me, and just accept whatever happiness I can find in it.

Eliza: Thank you honey, my love to you too.

Glad I at least made you smile Mindy. x

As negative as this may sound, I don't think there is a way out of those feelings until after your births. I can't say for sure, never having birthed or been pregnant since losing Calvin but knowing how I felt during pregnancy after six miscarriages, I could never let go of the fear of loss...of something untoward happening. I knew better than to assume that just because I had made it through so much time that everything would be okay...and unfortunately you both know that too. All I can suggest is to keep coming here to let off some steam, vent, vomit up some fear and know that we are here supporting you, praying for your babies and hoping that all will be well in the end. Love to you

This is SO normal that there was even a study pulled for my nursing class. PTSD for parents during a subsequent pregnancy after loss.

Also I know it is because during P's pregnancy after the miscarriage, that's how I felt. Then tried to "relax" with Aeryn, so now I feel guilty about that, like if I'd been as psychotic about drinking the pregnancy tea or something, it might have been okay. Try to hang on. Breathe. Cry if you need to. I'll keep you both in my thoughts, wish I could do more.