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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Dictating other people's responses

Just wanted to know what you all think about this.

It's totally jumping the gun, as I'm not pregnant yet (... although my temps are all sky high, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up right now...). But I was talking to my husband about how we would tell people we were pregnant again once it actually happens (fingers crossed and knock on wood and all that). I said that I wanted to tell people very early on, because I couldn't go through another miscarriage without the support we had last time - but that I would tell everyone that I DIDN'T want them to say congratulations or get excited for us or anything because we have discovered the hard way that there are no guarantees or really safe times.

He says that that is something that we can't do - that we can't dictate other people's responses, because it will make them feel awkward and uncomfortable and they will feel excited and 'omg YAY congratulations!!!!'-y for us anyway. He would rather not tell anyone until after 20 weeks (except close family at 12 weeks). I think that is impossible. Not that I am actually seeing anyone outside work at the mo, but still.

So I wondered what you all thought.
April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterB
It's a very personal thing. For me I didn't even tell my family until 13 weeks and we didnt tell friends in a general way until I was 20 weeks and we had found out the sex. A few people found out early and I told some close friends but for the most part we kept it private. I can see though why you would want to tell early to have the support of friends and family, it just depends on how you feel about your support network. I didnt want all the inevitable congratulations (like your husband talked about) and so that's why we kept it quiet, I was also terrified of having to call everyone if anything went wrong (but I'm a very private person). You just need to go with your gut on this one. Good luck!
April 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermindy
Like Mindy said, I think whether to tell or not and when is a very personal decision. Unfortunately it's one you will probably have to agree on with your husband or it will cause problems. That being said, if you need people to know, then you should try to get it across to your husband that it is an emotional need for you.

I don't agree that you can't dictate other's responses. Of course you can't make them do something, but you can ask that they respect your wishes and not offer congratulations. It is perfectly reasonable to me to say, I can't have hope that this will be okay, please don't offer congratulations right now.

Personally, I would point out to your husband that there is no such thing as a "safe" date. I'm sure you know this, you know what happened to me, so I know I'm not alarming you. He probably hasn't been reading all the support sites you have and doesn't realize that 20 weeks does not make you safe from loss, safer maybe, but not completely safe. My husband and I don't want to tell our work until we have to because that was the hardest part - explaining to acquaintances why we weren't going to have a baby. I will tell my family and close friends right away, because like you said, I will need the support.

I hope you get what you need with this. People should really be able to understand that a mother that has lost her first (or second, or third, etc.) child needs some special consideration during a subsequent pregnancy. Good luck and lots of love to you.
April 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjen
I'm 31 weeks pregnant right now. My husband didn't tell his co-workers until I was nearly 28 weeks along. I, of course, had to tell my co-workers a bit sooner than that! We are pretty superstitious this time around. We told family around 8-9 weeks after seeing the heartbeat for the first time via ultrasound. We didn't tell most friends until at least 15 weeks or so. Some even later than that. I agree that it's very personal and you do what feels right to you. I think people understand.

I'm still not comfortable when people tell me the obligatory "congratulations." But, what else can they say? We lost our son at 38 weeks two summers ago so EVERYONE knows of our previous loss. I truly believe they are hoping as much as we are that this one turns out differently. There are still a few aquaintances at work that I haven't told face to face. But it's pretty obvious now that we're expecting. It's just hard. Best of luck to you in becoming pregnant and the journey beyond...

Take care,
Jenny
April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenny
Telling the news of a new pregnancy after a loss is so difficult, and a very personal decision. I think only you and your husband can decide when/how you will tell.
i told *very* close friends early on, and then gradually told more people as time went on, but there are lots of people that still don't know, and despite my very obvious bump wont ask me outright either!
Yesterday I took my four year old to a party of one of his classmates. I was sat at a table of five other Mums, not one mentioned my bump, and all baby subjects were avoided...rather bizarre, but I was glad the topic never came up.
As for congratultions, yes I hate that, but people genuinely are pleased for you...doesn't stop it grating though.
I think it's ok to pre empt the congrats , wish I'd thought of that. Be prepared for other reactions too, several people I've told have simply burst into tears!
x
April 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJeanette
It's a very personal thing when you tell people. I still haven't told many people and probably won't tell people unless I see them.

And like a few others I disagree about not being about to dictate people's responses. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of phone calls and emails congratulating us so when DH tells people I make him tell them I don't want them contacting me. I can't deal with the thought of people asking me how it's going all the time when we all know there's no gurantee even if all the scans etc look fine. I don't like telling people either because I'm sure they think we're fine now that we're pregnant again and that is really not the case and I hate the idea of people even thinking that.
April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaddie
It is very personal and I think you'll do what feels right to you. I have found most people are just really happy for us - which I try and remember is them just being generally happy that we are pregnant again. What drives me crazy is any conversation about "when the baby comes..." or any talk of due dates, delivery, maternity leave....I can't even think that far ahead and I want people to be as cautious as we are - an impossibility of course but it would be nice if someone remembered that we no longer have the luxury of assuming being pregnant = bringing home a baby.

I hope you find something that works for you guys and best of luck this month.
April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMonique
We told people very early, earlier than I really wanted to, but my sister-in-law had just gone on hospice care and my husband thought she would like knowing. I think it felt to him like some little thing he could give her.

People were very excited for us. Some almost seemed relieved. I would tell people over and over that we were excited and happy but also very scared and very anxious. It was easier for me when people could understand that rather than brush it off.
April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara
Monique - I hate talking about due dates and when the baby comes as well.
April 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaddie
thank you all so so much for answering. it helps that noone seems to think that i'm completely crazy.

mindy - we had to tell everyone last time and while it was horrendous, it was something i needed to do, in a weird way. also - i will expect that telling people will immediately jinx any pregnancy whether i tell straight after i POAS or whether i'm 30 weeks.

jen - he will not expect everything to be ok until after a baby is born alive, so he gets that. i just think he thinks that after 20 weeks and two scans is about as long as we can realistically leave it without people starting to ask questions :(

i think i'm going to be ridiculously superstitious jenny - my blog readers already know this. i drive myself mad with it.

jeanette - thank you SO MUCH for that warning - thinking about it i'm sure that a lot of my friends will burst into tears too! forewarned is forearmed, eh?

maddie - what you said about others thinking everything is ok once you are pregnant again - spot on. that really scares me.

thank you monique. i hope everything becomes clear once it happens again (i hope it happens again...)

sara/maddie, people are already saying to me that everything will be ok next time. i wish they could understand how terrified that makes me.

thank you again to everyone.
April 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterB