The last couple of days - extending into today - I've felt anxious and scared. I know the big fight between some friends was responsible for some of it yesterday, but I felt in a good mood going home from work. By the time I went to bed, I was a mess. On the verge of tears, desperate for reassurance.

I don't know if it's just a hormonal thing (I believe I ovulated yesterday), or a fatigue thing (I'm running short on sleep and not feeling great), or just a resurgence of disquiet about this whole process.

I found out yesterday that there is someone else I know who is pregnant. Normally these don't bother me, and in fact, I'm extremely pleased for this woman, who has had a rough road. But I felt so sad and down about us. Three/four cycles isn't a long time, but coming up on 2 years is. I'm wondering if I'll ever be a mother to a child that lives longer than the blink of an eye. I asked my husband what we'll do if this cycle doesn't work and he said "Try again." I asked him how long we will continue to try. He said as long as it takes to work. I asked him how long my sanity would last and he had no answer. I asked him what we would do if it never worked and he said that we'd have each other and for the first time I said what I was thinking when he says that and asked him "What if it's not enough?" Eventually he said we'd get a monkey. (an effort to make me laugh - if nothing else, it was distracting, as we launched into negotiations about what kind of monkey and whether or not it is appropriate to spay/neuter a monkey and arranged monkey marriages so we can be monkey grandparents.)

I just don't think I'm coping well with the fact this is outside my control and all my efforts and all the wishing in the world won't make a difference to the biology of the matter. I just want to have children.

I don't have anything profound to say other than I know that feeling well and I'm here hoping along with you.

My heart just aches for you my friend, as I can't imagine how horrible the wait is, coupled with the knowledge that pregnancy itself has its own set of anxieties and trauma. I wish I could snap my fingers and magically fast forward your life to the exact moment you are holding a heatlhy and much alive and thriving baby in your arms. I know that it will never make your love and longing for Gabriel go away, but I just want to save you from this hard journey of TTC and worry.

I know I've spoken of my IF several times on here. I don't know what it's like to TTC after a loss...but I know for my own sanity with IF...TTC breaks were INCREDIBLY important for my own sanity. Month after month to be disappointed really took a toll on me and also my relationship with dh. If you find yourself feeling crazy burnt out with the rigors of TTC...give yourself a month or two month (or more) respit. I never regretted those breaks and always happily indulged in caffiene and cold medicine (if needed of course) and all the other things I was trying to avoid while TTC.

Hoping beyond hope that you don't need that break, that the TTC wait will be over very soon.

I think the anxiety is to be expected after the loss of a baby. There is so much that can add to the stress and anxiety. As you said about so much of it being out of your control is the big issue. There were no choices when it came to the loss of our babies, that was for the most part taken out of our hands, and again TTC for the most part is also out of our control too. And it bites! Its not fair at all! I wish life was much easier. I struggle with similar feelings. All I can suggest is to have a good support base and keep talking as much as you want, to get those feelings out.Or atleast have a good counsellor or therpist that you can talk to.