I am determined to wait 6 months and try to wean of the AD's before trying again, but I keep having to squash down that part of me that screams it wants a baby, NOW NOW NOW!

I don't feel that being pregnant again would push Aiden out of the picture. I don't think anything can do that. I don't feel physically or emotionally ready to try again. I'm kind of worried I'll still feel that way when 6 months rolls around. And there is a big part that just wants to get pregnant now, it hurts incredibly badly to not be pregnant.

Did any of you resolve your internal conflicts before trying again? Did you plan when to try or have to force yourself to do it? Any advice for making the decision or what to do once the decision is made?

Hey Jen. Like with so many other things, I've found the anticipation to be worse than the reality (though that's easy to say after only three cycles - if I'm still trying after six, my tune may change).

At first I never wanted to try again. Volunteer to possibly go through that again? Hell no. As the first shocks wore off, it became evident that we would try again. I was initially (at the hospital) told 6 months wait, minimum. Because that was the 'norm' and truly, having had 3 pregnancies in about a year, giving my body a break wasn't a bad idea.

When I saw the new OB for my 6 week post-partum visit, we arranged to start me on anti-depressants and follow up in a month. She stated then that she didn't think 6 months was necessary for an otherwise uncomplicated vaginal birth, but that a couple more cycles was a good idea, with an eye towards trying again in the New Year. At the follow-up visit, she arranged for all the testing she wanted to do to rule out a major problem and told me we could conceive as soon as we were emotionally ready, once the testing was complete.

That was November, and the start of the third cycle post-Gabriel. I did all the blood-work that week, but had to push the sonohysterogram off until the following cycle in December. Because I wasn't putting a lot of stock in it (I'd expected the blood work to turn up a clotting disorder, but had a good idea that the uterus was structurally sound), I wasn't quite as careful in November as I ought to have been, and we inadvertently had good timing for ttc. It didn't end in pregnancy, thank God, because the SHG showed that the uterus was, in fact, structurally fine, but the cervix is damaged and a cerclage is a necessity in any future pregnancy.

But it was a good thing in another way too. Once I'd found that our timing was accidentally good (I wasn't temping, just using opk's and going by fertility signs. Signs stopped, thought I'd had a positive opk of the non-digital variety, and then bam! they all came back and the opk turned clearly positive again), I was a little back and forth, back and forth about it all. I was scared of another pregnancy, but also scared I wouldn't be pregnant. And I was really disappointed when my period started. That was probably the thing that really told me we were ready to go ahead.

So we started in December after the shg. It worked, but ended in a chemical pregnancy, and despite a good looking chart, last cycle didn't work, so I'm in the midst of cycle 3 now.

I will tell you that there are definitely still times I question what we are doing - both on the level I've always questioned (the - you know, our life is pretty good, is this really what we want? can we really afford this? how will this work? level) and the loss level (the Oh, Dear God what are we thinking? How can I possibly face this all again? What will happen to me if we lose another? This cannot possibly be a good idea). It hasn't all gone away for me. But then, I was questioning our preparedness and readiness and everything while pregnant each time. I think it's a big fear of the unknown that won't change or go away. And it's only compounded by such loss, because the fear has a shape and name and it's terrifying.

At the same time, though, I think that perhaps I am compelled to keep trying. We want children - living children - and always have. We want to raise a child, to hold a living child in our arms for more than a few minutes, to love them. We want there to be a brother or sister for Gabriel. It's not always easy (in fact it's a lot harder and more emotionally charged than ever before), but it feels right to me.

I think a break is good. I feel a bit frustrated to be on cycle 3 and still not pregnant. I'm glad I took some time in between though - and not just for the medical diagnoses. I know that despite wanting to conceive again quickly, I wasn't in the best mindframe. Pregnancy is a mindfuck for me at this point, no way around it. It's going to be an anxious, scary time. And I feel that by dealing with my grief and coming to a place where we live each day in relative happiness, and getting the depression under control, I've done the best I can to make the next pregnancy as good as it can be mentally and emotionally. I don't think I'll ever feel 100% ready to tackle it, but I do think there is a point at which you kind of have to take the leap of faith, because all the rationalizing in the world won't remove the emotions from it.

But I also think it doesn't necessarily have to be an all or nothing proposition (for most people - I don't halves well) - I think it's possible to simply let nature take its course by having sex when you feel like it without regard to fertility and timing and medications and take it if it comes. Or to try a cycle and realize you don't feel ready, and take a cycle or two off. These options, of course, do carry a small risk of pregnancy, so I think you have to be at least somewhat open to that idea and comfortable with it.

Gah. I'm sorry this is so long. Brevity is not something I've ever been accused of.

I'm going to think about any more direct advice and come back to it later on.

Hi Jen,

My daughter Isla was stillborn on July 1st at 25 weeks. In my intial shock I was talking about getting pregnant again before she was even born. My OB gave us the go ahead just 4 weeks later and I thought she was ludicrous!

I decided that I needed to wait for Isla's autopsy results to come back before I could even consider trying. I needed to know for certain that whatever caused her death was not something that would recur again. Of course the autopsy came back inconclusive and offered little comfort. I then decided that I wanted a pre-pregnancy consult with an MFM specialist at another hospital before I wanted to try again. But when an an appointment wasn't available until February, after a major anxiety attack, I decided to throw caution to the wind and try again.

It's now been six cycles and I'm still not pregnant. I got pregnant in November 2008 the very first cycle we tried - and by tried I mean just not using protection on one or two occassions. I miscarried in December 2008 and was pregnant again with Isla in January, 2009. So I assumed that getting pregnant would not be an issue for us. WRONG!

So, if you want it more than you fear it, I say go for it. There are no guarantees that you will get pregnant again right away (although I'll cross my fingers and toes for you), and after just one failed cycle, my desire to have another baby way out weighed my fears. Don't get me wrong. I'm scared, VERY scared to be pregnant again, but now I'm more afraid I may never get pregnanat again.

I was charting and using ovulation pee strips, etc. Last month I threw out the chart. This month I thew out the pee sticks. I'm now trying to relax about the whole thing and hoping it helps. The sex is much better this month - it was a problem when I was trying to time everything - so I suppose that can't be a bad thing right?! :)

Good luck with whatever you decide. xo

We started trying pretty much as soon as we got the go ahead from our ob. I first saw her 6 weeks after Matilda was born and she said preferably wait to have another cycle (I'd just had my period then) but we didn't need to use contraception that month unless we wanted too. So I thought we'd just go with the flow that month and start trying the following month. We had unprotected sex once and then I spent all night reading about uterine ruptures and completely freaked out (I had a c-section with Matilda). So we waited until my next period - 8 weeks after Matilda was born and fell pregnant that cycle. I'm 9 weeks now.

There wasn't much rational thought to it to be honest. After the first couple of weeks I was obsessed with when we'd be able to try again and was really scared our ob would say we had to wait six months. We were waiting on genetic results (Matilda's syndrome is sparodic 85% of the time and familial 15% of the time). But knowing what we know about BWS we were going to try again either way so weren't waiting on those to start trying (the testing can take over 6 months). As it was, we found out just before we started trying that her case was most likely sparodic and have since had it confirmed.

I was convinced that we wouldn't fall pregnant quickly the second time or at all so I was desperate to start trying. I couldn't bear the thought of waiting 6 months and then taking months to conceive.

It is scary and anxious being pregnant but I'm not sure if we'd waited that wouldn't have been the case. I am exhausted though - I was already exhausted from grief when I got pregnant and I think it's just been compounded.

So no I didn't resolve my internal conflicts. And I don't feel emotionally ready - I'm terrified of having another loss. I don't think I'm in a place where I'd cope with that at all but I guess if I have to then I'll figure out how. And I do worry about how hard this is going to be on my body. Because my last pregnancy was complicated and I was on bed rest for the last 5 weeks it's been a long long time since I've done any regular exercise. On the other side, I've got some hope too (well some days anyway).

Good luck and whatever you decide we'll be here with you.

jen – i think waiting six months is a wonderful idea, and would highly recommend sticking to that plan!

my son was born still five months ago. during labor we did not know he would be born still (they were tracking my heartbeat, not his.) while i was pushing the nurse was trying to make small talk with me. "do you plan on having more children" she asked? "ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME LADY? NO WAY!!!" was my reply. three hours and one still son later, i knew that i wanted another shot at this. and sure enough, we just fell pregnant a few weeks ago.

the wait felt like eternity. it took my body three months just to start my period. here i was ready to be pregnant again and i felt like my body was broken. in a lot of ways i thank my body for taking its time. gave me three months to really sort out my thoughts without the pressures of TTC looming in the background.

ultimately the decision is yours. you are the one that has to carry the baby and it will be you who constantly worries that your body will fail, or something won't grow properly inside your womb. my husband is extremely hesitant about this new baby, but it just doesn't come close to the worry and anxiety i carry around.

i would have NEVER in a million years thought being pregnant after loss would be so difficult. it might seem that being pregnant again would soften the blow of grief, maybe help inject some hope into our lives, and really it does – but it's also extremely scary and dare i say stressful.

good luck and remember, don't rush. let your body, mind and spirit heal. we will always carry the wounds of our lost babies, nothing will ever completely heal our wounds, especially not another pregnancy/child.

our first son was stillborn at 26 weeks - though he died at 25 weeks. we began ttc after my second cycle. this was mainly driven by my husband's desire to parent a living child. i was beside myself with grief and on top of that felt like a failure - i could not give my husband what he needed to be complete in this life. i knew that if i waited too long and thought about it too much - or actually had time to process the situation - that i would be too scared to try again. hallelujah we all survived the second pregnancy with our health. it was the scariest time of my life. i don't know if i will ever do it again - but i'm glad we didn't wait. i don't think i would have gone through with it and i wouldn't have my second son. i think you should go with your gut instinct when your ob gives you the go-ahead.

I don't have any advice, as I am wondering the same myself.

My son died from his CHD at 2 months old. I had a cesarean, and wanted to wait until it was safest to deliver again VBAC. I talked to 2 OBs, got their timing, and even waited a couple more months. (They were fine with 6 months between, I waited 9 based on research that it would put me in the lowest risk for uterine rupture.) I had my Mirena out, and was going to wait for my first period to try, but DH and I grew impatient. We got pregnant that month - Dec 2009.

By the end of Jan 2010, I was waiting to miscarry a blighted ovum. I've had my first post-miscarriage period now, and so I am trying to figure out when I am emotionally ready. I think I am physically ready (OB said whenever, at this point.) I had a difficult miscarriage. I ended up in the ER with a hemorrhage. I lost enough blood to feel positively awful, and have my blood pressure plummet on standing, but not enough to need transfusion.

I am impatient, tired, broken, lonely, childless. I tried to hard to work through all the emotions from losing my son, and the medical battles. I thought long and hard to put my thoughts in order. I wanted so much to hold nothing back from this second pregnancy, to no give in to fear of loss, and go all in with my heart. I did. I pushed myself hard, to reach down deep, find the better parts of me, and having a miscarriage tore me down to bits. I feel like I lost those better parts of me.

I don't know when I am ready to try again. I don't know when, if I ever, I will be willing to go through the same thing. I was really physically hit hard by the loss, too. I wonder if I will ever not be broken for all the hurt, and loss, and want for a child that I'll ever be in a "good" place to try again.

But I don't know if I am yet still TOO broken to venture out in the fickle, hurtful, devastating experiment that is reproduction.