What did you expect to be hard, what is taking you by surprise?

We are on our second medicated cycle of TTC...what makes me crazy is that I am working so damn hard to get prego that who knows if I will end up with a live baby at the end.

When we tried to have baby #1 we ended up with triplets (2 dies in Nicu)
So I have buried 3 babies...
I know I am crazy for trying again...but I just have to. So we trigger tomorrow and have IUI for Monday and Tuesday.

This may sound trite, but quite honestly I expected this experience to kill me, and it hasnt. I never expected to feel any happiness at all after Henry died, ever again. I dont feel "happy" as a person, but I have had happy moments. I have laughed and I have felt pleasure, even if in just small amounts -- but that is more than I expected. I truly did not believe I could live through the death of my child, but here I am, pregnant again -- subjecting myself to more anxiety in the pursuit of that elusive happiness. I think the human heart is alot stronger than anyone knows.

I have to say, similar to Judith, what has taken me by surprise is that i am on my 3rd medicated cycle of TTC and have booked in with our IVF clinic and had our first appointment. I just stupidly expected to fall pregnant on my 1st medicated cycle because life really couldnt be that cruel to make ttc slow and painful could it? What also surprises me is the thought in the back of my mind that I may never be able to have another baby again.

Cindy, and all of us without living children -

What's interesting to me is that each of us, quietly and from deep within our scarred souls, seem to 'know' somehow that we won't ever give birth to a baby who lives. At the heart of it, I suspect, we think everyone else here will eventually succeed, but we will be that yearning and lonely one who won't.

Once, we 'knew' we'd be mothers - one day, one way or another.

I just want to remind us all that we knew shit then, and we know shit now. This is not the wisdom of the universe that we carry in our waters. It is a protective mechanism and it, too, can't be trusted.

Keep the faith, you dear women. xxx

Moops, I think you are exactly right, and though I have a living son, I feel that lesson applies to me as well in the vein that I "don't know shit" either -- I am convinced this baby inside me now will die too as Henry died. All of my dreams are filled with babies that arent mine. But I know deep down that this is in fact a protective mechanism just like you said, and it cant be trusted. I think faith that we CAN and will succeed is all we have.

moops - thank you thank you thank you, from the depths of my soul.
your words make me believe that there is hope, even if i don't believe that myself right now.
it's such a relief.

thank you more than i can say for reminding me that there is still hope.

It's hard knowing that having had one loss is no guarantee against having another. After having a 1 in 14 000 hit stats don't really comfort me anymore.

Interesting, moops. You may be right about that. I know that is certainly one of my darkest fears, anyway.

What's hard for me is the fact that this didn't happen quickly. Third cycle of actually trying, fourth of the possibility. One chemical pregnancy. Excellent timing, which has always worked in the past. I want it now. My mind is already well beyond this trying stage, into the next pregnancy and how it will work and what we'll do, so to continually be caught short by this is frustrating beyond belief.

I mean, I know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to try on my own and have decent success rates, but only 1 viable pregnancy of 4 isn't good odds, you know?

And having long cycles and long fertile periods doesn't help. I'm trying different supplements in an effort to better regulate ovulation, but I may just be fucking things up. I feel like I have to try - it's a compulsion - but . . . it's tiring.

And I can't take a break. I know too much. I've charted for 8 years. Even if I stop temping (which drives me insane), I will know when I'm fertile and I won't be able to stand not trying. It feels like there is no real choice involved.

Thanks moops for helping me reconcile bits of conflicting thoughts.
You actually spelled it out clearly, directly and used swear words.
That is perhaps my most favourite writing style.
I think Tash might like it too....
Smiling,