It is almost 10 years since my middle son was stillborn. Little by little life has added more and more traumas on to my plate. I have found a way to manage the ache in my heart most of the time, but the hole is always there and it is full of a sucking dread at times. I realise lately that my trauma remains so deep in my body sometimes lately it just reaches back up to completely eat me alive. I live in fear of something happening to my two living children and the pandemic has made this so much worse for me, as now no where feels safe any more, Their schools are always full of covid and it seems I can’t protect them even though I try my best to. No one else seems to care or share my concerns about their health and potential risk of repeat infections over and over. My daughter has been very sick with the flu recently and I find myself consumed by trauma flashbacks and panic responses. I think I have ptsd but I just don’t know what will help. When she coughs and has a high fever, I panic that terrible things might happen. My family members say I need to practice mindfulness but honestly I am not sure what to do once we learn as a human being that terrible things can and do happen even to good people. I feel so lonely and am constantly on high alert. Does anyone else with surviving children find themselves terrified for their safety especially since covid? Therapy just seems to be pointless and I get asked “what is the worse that is likely to happen” which just doesn’t give comfort to someone who has already had to bury a child. I don’t know why I am writing this but just want to talk to people who understand

Hi Anonymous, I’m so sorry to read about your son and how much you are still suffering. It will be 9 years in a couple weeks for me and there are still days where it’s hard. I know the next few weeks will be hard for me too, in the run up to this awful anniversary day. I also have terrible anxiety sometimes that my living child will also die in a terrible accident (he’s 7).

Have you seen a trauma informed therapist or someone who specializes in PTSD? I agree that some therapists are completely useless. But, I saw one early on who specialized in this kind of loss and trauma and she was very helpful. She made me feel seen and validated and helped process everything I was feeling and living. I’ve also been reading “The Body Keeps the Score : Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. It’s very interesting to read what trauma does to your body and your mind. It’s a difficult read, but useful. Perhaps you can look for a therapist who is aware of this work and can help you in a useful way. Psychology Today’s website has a search function where you can specify the kind of therapist you need. If that’s not an option for you, perhaps you can find a support group. I think the star Legacy Foundation and Return to Zero have them.

All this to say, thinking of you and sending you lots of courage.