I don't really know where to start so this will probably be a jumbled mess, but that is sort of how my brain is right now.

I am a father. My first son (F) died during childbirth 9 years ago on June 17. I miss him so much. I also have a 6 year-old (A) and a 1 year-old (Z). My father died a few months before my daughter Z was born.

So - father's day. Father's day has been a weird and difficult day obviously because I lost a child, but also because of when I lost my child. It was the day after father's day, which of course means that it's very close to father's day each subsequent year. And then of course, my father is no longer living.

Every year my family goes to the beach (the same one each year) and we have some rituals. It is very nice and we feel more connected to F when we're there. I'm pretty emotionally stupid and often don't know what I'm feeling until after the fact or unless I specifically focus and check-in with myself in the moment. This has been increasingly more difficult with managing children and such.

Anyway - all this is to say that I've never really had a father's day experience. And it's complicated. It would feel weird and wrong to focus on me at this time. But also, I would like to have some time to focus on me. Not sure if anyone has any advice on this. Every year, I get my wife donuts on mother's day and give her time to do whatever she wants to do and we focus on her. My son A and I make a mother's day project each year. But there is literally zero reciprocation. Last year, I posted on social media how I was having a very difficult time and detailed all the aspects of my sorrow and my wife came to me later in sort of an accusatory way, as I hadn't said anything to her about any of it. I could see why that would make her feel hurt, but also, shouldn't she come to me in a consoling way instead? Now I'm not suggesting that I am great in that area, as I am definitely not - I've already stated that I am emotionally stupid. This year, at the beach we went mini golfing and the cashier announced 'fathers are free today'. My wife later said to A - 'did you know today was father's day'? And that was it. She clearly didn't even know either and didn't say anything more than that.

Are my feelings valid and legitimate? Anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this?

Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles.
Brian

Brian, I am so sorry to read about your son F and also about your Dad. It’s a lot. Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to celebrate (or not) Father’s Day in whatever way you find meaningful. You’re also entitled to ask for the support and love and kindness that you need as you grieve and go through life. I’m not a father, but like you, my husband struggles with Father’s Day too because our daughter was stillborn the weekend of Father’s Day too. He has disliked it since, even after the arrival of a healthy living son 18 months later (he’s 6 now). He prefers not to really mark the day, but that’s his choice.

It sounds like your wife is struggling too, which isn’t an excuse. But it’s completely fine to say: I was really hurt when you completely ignored father’s day. It’s a difficult day for me so I would really appreciate it if you could support me by doing xyz. Sending you a hug Brian, you sound like you’re a great Dad.