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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.
Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.
I am a father. My first son (F) died during childbirth 9 years ago on June 17. I miss him so much. I also have a 6 year-old (A) and a 1 year-old (Z). My father died a few months before my daughter Z was born.
So - father's day. Father's day has been a weird and difficult day obviously because I lost a child, but also because of when I lost my child. It was the day after father's day, which of course means that it's very close to father's day each subsequent year. And then of course, my father is no longer living.
Every year my family goes to the beach (the same one each year) and we have some rituals. It is very nice and we feel more connected to F when we're there. I'm pretty emotionally stupid and often don't know what I'm feeling until after the fact or unless I specifically focus and check-in with myself in the moment. This has been increasingly more difficult with managing children and such.
Anyway - all this is to say that I've never really had a father's day experience. And it's complicated. It would feel weird and wrong to focus on me at this time. But also, I would like to have some time to focus on me. Not sure if anyone has any advice on this. Every year, I get my wife donuts on mother's day and give her time to do whatever she wants to do and we focus on her. My son A and I make a mother's day project each year. But there is literally zero reciprocation. Last year, I posted on social media how I was having a very difficult time and detailed all the aspects of my sorrow and my wife came to me later in sort of an accusatory way, as I hadn't said anything to her about any of it. I could see why that would make her feel hurt, but also, shouldn't she come to me in a consoling way instead? Now I'm not suggesting that I am great in that area, as I am definitely not - I've already stated that I am emotionally stupid. This year, at the beach we went mini golfing and the cashier announced 'fathers are free today'. My wife later said to A - 'did you know today was father's day'? And that was it. She clearly didn't even know either and didn't say anything more than that.
Are my feelings valid and legitimate? Anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this?
Thank you for taking the time to read my rambles.
Brian