It's 3 years since my little girl passed away, my rainbow baby is 4mth and although I'm so relieved he's here safe, sometimes I'm still so overwhelmed by the sheer shock and devastation of what happened. I try my best to be upbeat and keep busy. I try not to think of what could have been as its too hard but then feel guilty for doing so. I'm finding it harder not easier, the constant anxiety of what if something happens to him, disbelief that I get to keep him, anger but why not her too are all too real. The mixture of emotions are more previlant than ever. How do you all cope?

Oh Anna, I completely understand what you’re feeling. My son is 4 now and sometimes I look at him and still worry that my time with him might be cut short and each milestone fills me with love and pride for him but also a deep sadness that I’ll never get to see his sister do that. In that first year, the sadness was sometimes completely overwhelming...I’d just break down in these animal streams of tears, often during middle of the night feedings, I was just so desperately sad that she wasn’t here while being deliriously happy that he was, even when he was up screaming at 3am...and I think I underestimated the roller coaster of post partum hormones (and with all that I was still on a low dose of Zoloft-that probably saved me)...anyway, these feelings are normal but post partum anxiety and depression, particularly when combined with grief can be too much to handle on your own so if you’re overwhelmed, please talk to your OB now (you’ve had your six week visit, does nt matter, call them back and tell them you need to be seen). Sending you a hug.