parenting after loss > Rainbows and storms
You are definitely not alone. We lost our first in labor due to placental insufficiency. My second (now 15 months) didn't sleep more than two hours in a row for almost six months. We were so so tired. And I was still on maternity leave so I was home all day long with her and I just was not enjoying it. Plus, I don't love the early baby stuff as much as other people do - I'm having a LOT more fun now (especially since she sleeps).
Parents - especially mothers - feel a lot of pressure with babies to enjoy every moment or at least to be seen to be enjoying every moment. This goes triple for loss mamas. If you are anything like me, you swore up and down you'd never complain about sleepless nights. But, it's ok if you aren't enjoying every moment - or even a lot of them during a certain phase. Parenting babies can be hard - frankly, they are doing a ton of fun stuff yet at that age (I mean, they are always doing some fun stuff but they aren't interacting as much) so, for me, a lot of the days felt pretty monotonous, combine that with not sleeping, emotions about parenting a child after a loss, and a huge change in your lifestyle, and your identity and it is a lot. Be gentle with yourself. Don't feel pressure to enjoy every single second - you can be grateful and happy that your baby is here and healthy and with you and also not be pleased about waking up multiple times a night. Both those emotions can co-exist at the same time. When I accepted that, it helped a lot. I also found a good crew of mothers that had babies the same age in other activities to get me out of the house and to text with - it helped SO MUCH with the monotony and to have people who felt similarly and were happy to bitch about being over trying to figure out food/sleep/etc. If you can, see if there is a group near you or a library song class, etc. For me, having adult company was key.
Another thing I'd say is that you might want to talk to your doctor and just do a screen for PPA/PPD. 5 months in is still prime time for PPD/PPA, especially if you've recently gone back to work and are juggling a ton. At the height of my lack of sleep, I started getting extremely grumpy and feeling like I had no patience anymore for anything, and my doctor recommended I take a small dose of Zoloft and it really helped for a few months. I was surprised because I hadn't needed it after I lost my first, but the combination of that grief, anxiety over a few things with my daughter, and the sleep finally breached my limit.
One more tip that I didn't follow but will if I ever am in this position again - sleep train. It all feels better with some sleep.
Good luck - you've got this, mama!
Parents - especially mothers - feel a lot of pressure with babies to enjoy every moment or at least to be seen to be enjoying every moment. This goes triple for loss mamas. If you are anything like me, you swore up and down you'd never complain about sleepless nights. But, it's ok if you aren't enjoying every moment - or even a lot of them during a certain phase. Parenting babies can be hard - frankly, they are doing a ton of fun stuff yet at that age (I mean, they are always doing some fun stuff but they aren't interacting as much) so, for me, a lot of the days felt pretty monotonous, combine that with not sleeping, emotions about parenting a child after a loss, and a huge change in your lifestyle, and your identity and it is a lot. Be gentle with yourself. Don't feel pressure to enjoy every single second - you can be grateful and happy that your baby is here and healthy and with you and also not be pleased about waking up multiple times a night. Both those emotions can co-exist at the same time. When I accepted that, it helped a lot. I also found a good crew of mothers that had babies the same age in other activities to get me out of the house and to text with - it helped SO MUCH with the monotony and to have people who felt similarly and were happy to bitch about being over trying to figure out food/sleep/etc. If you can, see if there is a group near you or a library song class, etc. For me, having adult company was key.
Another thing I'd say is that you might want to talk to your doctor and just do a screen for PPA/PPD. 5 months in is still prime time for PPD/PPA, especially if you've recently gone back to work and are juggling a ton. At the height of my lack of sleep, I started getting extremely grumpy and feeling like I had no patience anymore for anything, and my doctor recommended I take a small dose of Zoloft and it really helped for a few months. I was surprised because I hadn't needed it after I lost my first, but the combination of that grief, anxiety over a few things with my daughter, and the sleep finally breached my limit.
One more tip that I didn't follow but will if I ever am in this position again - sleep train. It all feels better with some sleep.
Good luck - you've got this, mama!
November 28, 2019 |
SR
SR
I just wanted to say how much your reply helped me last month SR. I was feeling terribly alone in all of this until you wrote something that I could’ve myself. Thank you a thousand times over.
December 17, 2019 |
Anon
Anon
Hi Anon,
SR has provided so much sound advice, and I really don’t have anything to add in that regard. What I do want to say is I felt exactly the same way when I had a baby 1.5 years after my loss. I knew I should be so thrilled, but the exhaustion and mega life shift that happens when you finally bring home a baby is something no person is prepared for: loss or no loss. I had a good friend say to me before my live baby was born “just because you went through hell and back to have a baby doesn’t mean you don’t get to complain about all the hard stuff” and I just couldn’t comprehend this at the time. But, now I fully understand! When you start to get more sleep (I too strongly encourage sleep training), everything gets easier. And now, my son is 2 and I am genuinely happy about my parenting role 90% of the time. In those early months, I would probably would have said it was more like 10%. It gets better! Hope you are feeling better since you posted this a few months back.
SR has provided so much sound advice, and I really don’t have anything to add in that regard. What I do want to say is I felt exactly the same way when I had a baby 1.5 years after my loss. I knew I should be so thrilled, but the exhaustion and mega life shift that happens when you finally bring home a baby is something no person is prepared for: loss or no loss. I had a good friend say to me before my live baby was born “just because you went through hell and back to have a baby doesn’t mean you don’t get to complain about all the hard stuff” and I just couldn’t comprehend this at the time. But, now I fully understand! When you start to get more sleep (I too strongly encourage sleep training), everything gets easier. And now, my son is 2 and I am genuinely happy about my parenting role 90% of the time. In those early months, I would probably would have said it was more like 10%. It gets better! Hope you are feeling better since you posted this a few months back.
January 19, 2020 |
Amy
Amy
I have a five month old, two years after losing our first to pre-term labor.
I am finding this so hard. Our baby doesn’t sleep well. I’m so tired and I often find myself not enjoying motherhood.
I feel something like guilt and/or ungrateful after it being such a hard road to get here, that I should be enjoying this more. That I should be grateful that I have what I wanted for so long. That expectation on myself is just not helpful.
Has anyone else gone through this? How did you get through?