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glow in the woods

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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Meltdowns in front of your child/children

Triggers can come at the most awful times. Infront of my child I can usually control them, keep the lid on then let them out when I'm in a safe space, ie the loo 😂
This is how is usually works: He will see that I'm sad, I will weep a little, wipe my eyes, look to him with a smile and say "it's not your fault why mummy is crying. I am sad because I miss Maria-Rose". He will most often say he's sad too, that he too misses her, maybe cry a little with me then go about doing his thing.
This is empathy and I'm grateful that my child has this quality, I just hope he doesnt absorb too many of my sad feelings.

But today was just OTT! Tomorrow we are scattering her ashes so I am a little fragile, the last thing I want to see outside my son's school was a mum (who has the perfect life with her two perfect little girls) showing off her newborn. What made it heart wrenching was that distinct newborn cry that it would not stop producing. So even when I forced myself not to look I could still hear it. The noise must have been folllwing me because when I reached my son's classroom it was so loud I had a hardcore breakdown infront of everyone: the teacher, the assistant, the kids, their parents and most worryingly my son...
I could still hear the crying plus I could now see everyone staring at me, I could feel my sons arms around me (he's almost 5) and I could taste my salty tears. I felt a wave of guilt for doing this which increased the intensity of my crying, which was now so intense it crippled me.

So there I was a hysteric grief stricken mother curled up in a corner outside my son's classroom unable to control herself.

How does this effect my son is now what's beating me up?

Glad to have this place to share because what ive just said is kinda embarrassing.

Thank you for reading.
May 13, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMachaela
Oh Machaela, that sounds so so hard. And to compound that with the guilt it sounds like you feel for breaking down in front of your son. It sounds like you’re a wonderful Maman to him though and that he knows that sometimes you miss his sister so much, it just makes you very sad. I think I’d just sit with him and tell him how much you love him, how sad you were about his sister and that it’s not his fault and thank him for giving you a hug, and that you’re sorry if you scared him by being so sad. And then I’d just listen to him too. Bon courage Maman. Il sait à quel point tu l’aime.
May 13, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
It's so hard. One of the hardest everyday things for me was the school run. It took months to stop feeling anxious when entering the school grounds.

Machaela. All things considered, I think your son would be far worse off if you didn't show your grief to him. He knows that even a stillborn child of yours is desperately loved and missed, so he knows you must love him as well. Imagine if he thought a child of yours could die and it didn't affect you! It is all right to try to stay strong for him so as not to overwhelm him. But it's also all right to be weak in front of him sometimes. And even better, to let him comfort you when he can. It gives him back some control and power, and is a lovely bond to share. As long as the roles are not constantly reversed, that bond will not damage him.
May 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAna