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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Does the hate ever go away?

Sometimes the little things hurt the most. It’s been almost two years since my son was stillborn at 28 weeks. His little brother is here and will be approaching a year soon. Why do I still feel angry, lost and hurt? I grew up in a Christian household and I still believe but if it weren’t for my kids I wouldn’t go to church. I know that’s the “wrong” thing to say. Seeing moms with their happy, healthy pregnancies hurt my heart. Watching the babies that would have been my son's age hurts. Seeing large families is like a dark cloud. It’s not just church it’s anywhere. One of the most hurtful things I’ve heard lately is when I took my son to nursery abs stayed with him, a dad came in to check on his daughter to “make sure she wasn’t dead” and it was like someone smacked me in the face. I’ve delivered a dead baby. I kissed his cold forehead and held him until physically it was time to say goodbye. People say that all the time to “make sure they are still breathing”. For some reason it breaks my heart to hear these words. I’m still struggling. Even though I have an alive baby here with me. I’ve tried to pray and then I haven’t. Everyone forgets the pain you carry everyday. My friend is pregnant and I hate it. I’m rambling and I’m sorry. I’m an only child and all I ever wanted was a big family. I constantly worry that something will happen to my three children. If God allowed this in my life it hasn’t made me better. It’s made me bitter and scared. I’m always afraid what will happen next. How can I say this and be a Christian? Im hurting and God feels silent.
March 17, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterHurting mom
Hi Hurting Mom, I’m sorry that things are still so raw for you. Have you been screened for post partum depression? I’m almost five years out from my daughters stillbirth at 28 weeks and her little brother is 3. I think PPD/anxiety in bereaved parents is under diagnosed, especially since it gets mixed up with grief and this perception that if you’ve had a healthy living baby after such a horrible loss, you’re fine now, when obviously, you’ll never be the same again...sending you peace.
March 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Hurting mom,
I'm so sorry for your loss dear.
I, like AB is almost 5 years out of loosing little miss S in week 28/29. Sometimes I still feel that little sting when I see 3 siblings playing together, or when I see a pregnant mother of two excpecting their third. I allways wanted 3 live kids, now I've got two dead ( little rose (w 19) and little miss S (w 28/29) and two live rainbows.
Grieving is hard work, and it hurts when everybody dosen't acknowledge your sorrow and think that everything is ok now that his little brother is almost one year.
Sometimes it feels like people forget abut them, and that their lives didn't matter, that hurts really bad, but I have found out that a lot of my friends don't mention my little miss S because they either don't want to upset me or that they don't know whar to say.

I hope that jou find someone to talk to, a peer or proffetional, just to say things out loud. Sometimes that helps, talking with someone without beeing afraid to say things as they are so you don't scare friends and family away. I still talk to my babyloss moma friends about things I even can't think to say out loud to non-loss parents.

Lots of love
March 23, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Sad Medicine.
When you find something that aides your pain, dose yourself. Continuously. No matter how simple, strange, or silly the coping tool may be, take it and run with it.. I don't have a lot of experience with religion in my upbringing, but of course I have my opinions. If praying and a religion aren't serving you, maybe it's time to table that lifestyle for a bit. There is no "sure thing" that will apply to and help everyone under the sun. Everyone has their own style of healing/grieving/growing. You will find a new, individualized path on this twisted journey if you set your mind to it. Coping without religion is entirely possible, though i'm sure the thought of adapting a new thought process provokes anxiety/fear. Simply observe the overwhelming thought and let it pass by like a cloud in the sky.
Envelope yourself in the simple daily activities that you enjoy, and don't think too hard about it. Our personal religion can be a strict afternoon tea schedule. Upholding a personal promise to yourself. Mantras about self love become your prayers. Grief meditation can help guide you and is unbiased to religion of any kind.
Hope this sparks some ideas of daily activities that give you comfort and joy, no matter how mild. I gave my girlfriend an essential oil locket necklace with her favorite scent (eucalyptus) that she wears and smells constantly, and that aromatherapy really seems to help her ground herself during a moment of despair. Motherhood is a wild ride and i'm sorry you've been derailed by the loss of your son, but believe this. No child wants to be the cause of their mother's eternal misery and pain. He deserves to have played a positive roll in your life, like all of our children have.
Constant negative internal dialogue is detrimental to our bliss and well-being. Recognize your pain and release it. Reject all that is not love. Be love.
March 28, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterHolly
I think you’re entitled to pain, to grief and to the view that nothing good game of losing your baby. Almost five years out, I still love this verse from a song I love about someone we love dying: “there’s like a bitter taste in us, like a taste of dust in our mouth. And anger that follows us everywhere. we keep this wound inside, like a splash of mud, that changes nothing and everything. Of course, we still dance to the songs we love; of course we still laugh at silly things like children do. But not like we used to.” Your way of grieving is the one that’s best for you, there’s no time frame for anything here except your own, there are no “shoulds”. There is only patience, kindness, gentleness and love. If religion helps with that, then great. If it doesn’t, if things people say make you angry or upset, then you’re entitled to not speak to them/listen to them etc and take a break and find a place where you feel heard, respected and loved. Sending you peace mama.
March 30, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB