My husband and I are talking about getting pregnant. I am feeling extremely scared, nervous, and generally emotional.
My story starts almost seven years ago when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. At the first ultrasound, my boyfriend and I found out that we were having twins. I went through the shock phase which was followed by the hope and excitment that would be bringing two wonderful lives into the world. We went in for another ultrasound where they did a pelvic exam and found out I was 4 cm dilated at 23 weeks and 3 days gestation. I was put on bed rest and given steroids to help the babies lungs. 2 weeks of bed rest at the hospital and the labor started to progress again which was evidenced by losing my mucus plug. I was then put on a magnesium drip which was horrible. I felt groggy and hot, but I would do anything to bring the babies into the world healthy. After 2 days of magnesium, I was taken off the drip. Less than 24 hours later I was fully dilated and effaced, and was taken for an emergency c section due to baby A being breach. The oldest was born 25 weeks and 6 days at 1 lb 14 oz and the second at 2lb 2 oz. The first few days were hard, but nothing compared to when the youngest couldn’t digest his food properly and needed to have surgery. Less than 24 hours after the surgery, the youngest, my son’s organs failed and he passed away at 9 days old. This was absolutely hard on both of us since we still had one baby to care for. The first few months were rough with the NICU stay. Bringing her home was exciting and wonderful although laced with feelings of guilt. Less than a year later, I found out that I was pregnant again and those feelings of guilt came back. The second pregnancy was much smoother and delivered 3 weeks early due to concerns about my size. The loss of our son ultimately tore me and my ex apart. Now, I am married to my best friend and we are talking about getting pregnant and I’m not sure how I should be feeling, but I am nervous and terrified.
Thank you for a safe place to vent
JM

Hi JM,

I don't have much wisdom to offer but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. That's quite the journey you've been on, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

My daughter Maia died almost four years ago due to complications during birth at full term. She lived for two days, most of it in NICU. Her death changed both of us and not really for the better. But we are still together and have a two year old son, who has brought so much joy to live with our sadness. We are currently debating whether to try to extend our family or not. I'm getting old and need to decide in the next few months.

I don't know what is the main source of your anxiety so can't comment on that but mine is a mixture of paralysing fear of something going wrong and destroying the little peace we have and our ability to raise another child if all goes well. We're pretty stretched in terms of resources as both our families live far away so it's really just us, no backup. I don't know. Depending on the day is the fear of whatever comes through my head. I just don't know what's the best way forward. And the ticking clock doesn't help.

Anyway... You're not alone in being worried, anxious and emotional when thinking about a second pregnancy after losing your child.

Sending you love and peace as you navigate this