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glow in the woods

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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > devestation

I lost baby P. in March 2015. It was awful. You all know the 'sting'. It's so much more than a sting. So hard on my family, especially kids- 6 and 2.

I hoped again, I was ready but husband wasn't. Then I wasn't, and then we both were up to the possibility.

Roller coaster pregnancy... Doctors expected serious problems, but it was all ok. My son keeps expecting this baby to die, too. We finally convince him it's ok. And it really is!

We just couldn't believe it. We finally have a healthy baby... finally life has settled. Older kids are falling in love with him. We all are in love with him, sweet baby boy E. So blessed.

Today, baby E. is a day away from turning 7 months old. But it's not ok. Tomorrow we will be finding out what kind of cancer it is that my perfect, beautiful, baby has. Tomorrow we find out how bad the cancer is- which type. Thursday we find out if it's only a serious abdominal surgery, or if we need to start chemo, right away too. Or if we can wait a bit to see if chemo is that necessary.

I quit coffee so this boy would be healthy. I make my kids eat wheat bread. I promised my four year old that this baby would be ok. And that if he died, we would let him hold his baby anyway. I finally believed it would all be ok. Now I have to figure out how to explain that our perfect baby, will be moving to the hospital for a while. That I can't take them to gymnastics or go camping like we planned.

Now I have to tell them that it's not all ok, or I have to lie. I have to show them the printed up handout that teaches kids that sometimes babies do get tumors, and that it's nobody's fault.

My pain, and disappointment, and distrust, and it's just not fair! There is just no word for this. I wouldn't feed my baby formula, because I know that breast is best. But tomorrow I'm taking him to get pumped full of a radioactive isotope. I just don't have the strength for this. Where is my pass? Where is mercy? Where is my help? This pain is so heavy I can't move.
May 1, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterapril
I am not a religious person but I am praying for you and your sweet family. I am so sorry that your sweet baby E is sick. It is horribly unfair that this is happening. I know you have the strength but you should not be asked to find this strength. In a just world no one would have to deal with what you are going through. Sending Love and prayers,
May 3, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterEm
I'm so sorry to hear this April. It's terrible how unfair and cruel life can be. Please keep us updated if/when you are able. I wish that everything goes as well as possible for your sweet baby.
May 9, 2018 | Unregistered Commentermom2htb
Dear April,
I think of you and your baby boy often and I so hope that things have improved since you posted this.
Sending you love
September 18, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterKE