Hi - it's been a while since I've posted on this site. I'm sure this topic has been discussed over and over on this forum, but I'm having a difficult time finding the results I'm looking for using the search feature.

My first son, Fig (Figueroa), died during childbirth in 2013. My partner and I had our second son in 2015. He is 2.5 now and we've tried various explanations and while he sometimes seems to understand, he will then say something that makes me think he doesn't. I guess why should anyone really understand that babies sometimes die? Maybe this post is just about talking about death to toddlers - I don't know. Of course the only pictures we have of Fig are from the day he was born - so maybe the thought of Fig being an older brother doesn't make sense?

We also have pictures of my mother, who died in 2001. He asks me about my mother a lot and then he will say "she died". And then asks me "Is she not happy?" I never quite know how to respond to this. My dad is remarried and I'm sure that this adds to the confusion and I've explained to him a number of times that my dad's wife is not my mother and not his real grandmother.

We are not religious and want to avoid talk of heaven and such.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? Any success explaining it a certain way?

Thanks,
Brian (Fig's dad)

We have yet to broach this topic, it’s just not something that I feel ready to delve into. That plus the fact that our two year old doesn’t really talk yet. I just wanted to say that I try to remember that it’s Ok that he doesn’t understand certain things yet. I know that In time he will. Maybe In your case it’s not that you aren’t explaining it well, but that he just isn’t at the stage yet developmentally where he can understand. Keep talking about Fig, tell him all the things you want him to know, he will ask new questions and as time goes on he will understand. It’s a big thing for an adult to wrap their head around, and I would think even bigger for a child. I know there are a lot of books on the topic as well, if that is something you feel would be useful. Sending all of you love.

Hi Brian,

Congratulations on your younger son's birth, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult predicament of explaining a baby's death to a child... I'm there with you. We lost our son Stefan 6.5 years ago and have since been lucky to welcome two more boys who are now 4.5 and 1.5. We've been talking to our 4.5 year old openly about Stefan for a while now. We too are not religious so can't fall back on the comforting thought oif Heaven.

Here are the guidelines I have read and try to work with:
- keep it simple and age appropiate (which means the answers will change over time)
- answer questions honestly, it's ok to say "I don't know"
- let the child lead - don't push or avoid the topic
- don't use euphemisms such as "went to sleep", "layed to rest", etc. because they can cause anxiety around daily activities such as sleeping and resting

With that in mind we say things such as: "Stefan died. That means his body stopped working - he can't walk, talk, see, hear, etc.". As our son has grown, we have talked about the fact that every living thing has a lifetime - butterflies, trees, animals, people. Of course he asks "will I die?, "when will I die?" and we explain that most of the time people live long and healthy lives - children grow up, become adults, grow old and finally they die. We show him block chains of 4 compared to a chain of 90, to show him how much further he has to live, etc. (Now, when he sees a really old person on the street he asks "she will die soon, right?", which is something else we have to work on, but anyways...). Somehting else we emphasized is that Stefan's was hurt while he was in my tummy, but he and his younger brother are out and safe. We also explain that such accidents happen very rarely.
Our son has even asked what happened to Stefan's body once he died, so we've explained about cremation and burials.
And on the topic of what happens with people after they die, we say we don't really know. We know that we love Stefan and miss him and remember him, but don'r really know beyond that. Our son himself brought up Heaven (not sure how he heard about it) and declared that he believes Stefan is there. I just said that a lot of people believe that and left it at that.

Anyhow, long-winded answer, but the bottom line is - the conversation will evolve over time. Our 4.5 year old knows/talks about death more than his peers and it's an unfortunate side effect of our family's story. But I wouldn't want to hide Stefan's life and death or act like it's a taboo. And maybe it's made our son a bit more anxious (he's aware that he could die if he got hit by a bus), but hopefully it will also make him more empathetic and open about his feelings as he gets older.

As far as books, I havent found anything great. But check out Lifetimes and the Invisible String. Also, the movie Coco (once your son is a bit older) did a lot to normalize the relationship with dead loved ones.

Sending love to you and your family,

Hi Brian,

Congratulations on your younger son's birth, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult predicament of explaining a baby's death to a child... I'm there with you. We lost our son Stefan 6.5 years ago and have since been lucky to welcome two more boys who are now 4.5 and 1.5. We've been talking to our 4.5 year old openly about Stefan for a while now. We too are not religious so can't fall back on the comforting thought oif Heaven.

Here are the guidelines I have read and try to work with:
- keep it simple and age appropiate (which means the answers will change over time)
- answer questions honestly, it's ok to say "I don't know"
- let the child lead - don't push or avoid the topic
- don't use euphemisms such as "went to sleep", "layed to rest", etc. because they can cause anxiety around daily activities such as sleeping and resting

With that in mind we say things such as: "Stefan died. That means his body stopped working - he can't walk, talk, see, hear, etc.". As our son has grown, we have talked about the fact that every living thing has a lifetime - butterflies, trees, animals, people. Of course he asks "will I die?, "when will I die?" and we explain that most of the time people live long and healthy lives - children grow up, become adults, grow old and finally they die. We show him block chains of 4 compared to a chain of 90, to show him how much further he has to live, etc. (Now, when he sees a really old person on the street he asks "she will die soon, right?", which is something else we have to work on, but anyways...). Somehting else we emphasized is that Stefan's was hurt while he was in my tummy, but he and his younger brother are out and safe. We also explain that such accidents happen very rarely.
Our son has even asked what happened to Stefan's body once he died, so we've explained about cremation and burials.
And on the topic of what happens with people after they die, we say we don't really know. We know that we love Stefan and miss him and remember him, but don'r really know beyond that. Our son himself brought up Heaven (not sure how he heard about it) and declared that he believes Stefan is there. I just said that a lot of people believe that and left it at that.

Anyhow, long-winded answer, but the bottom line is - the conversation will evolve over time. Our 4.5 year old knows/talks about death more than his peers and it's an unfortunate side effect of our family's story. But I wouldn't want to hide Stefan's life and death or act like it's a taboo. And maybe it's made our son a bit more anxious (he's aware that he could die if he got hit by a bus), but hopefully it will also make him more empathetic and open about his feelings as he gets older.

As far as books, I havent found anything great. But check out Lifetimes and the Invisible String. Also, the movie Coco (once your son is a bit older) did a lot to normalize the relationship with dead loved ones.

Sending love to you and your family,

Hi Brian,
We haven't even come close to explaining 'death' to our 4 year old, let alone talk about his stillborn older brother. But I recently saw a children's book called 'Life is like the Wind', by Shonna Inneswhich seems to be dealing with the concept of death in a gentle way. You may want to check it out.

Dear Brian, I was just talking this over with a friend. If you don't mind, I'm going to paste part of my response to her here for you.

"On grieving with a child, it's hard. There is a quote from Robert Burns, "A child is among you, taking notes." A child not only dislikes the way you make him feel when you are sad, he worries about you and tries to make it better. He cares, deeply, that Daddy/Mommy is sad. It is a life long process, teaching our children to care and to grieve and about death. One of the lessons they learn is that it is okay to fail. That we can fail utterly and still go on and have a happy life, we can still love. Teach H. how to help you, little by little. He will do better if he feels he can help. Cry once in awhile and let him get you the tissues and wipe your tears. This only happens once in a blue moon, but that matters. Teaching them not to ignore another persons pain is a great gift to give them. Not worth J.'s death, ever, but it is still a wonderful thing for them to learn. To not turn aside from people, to not fear another's pain. To help, with words, ears and action. By letting him into your world, now and again, as much as you each can handle, opens all kinds of door between your hearts. It is teaching him to be the kind of person you want him to grow into. "Oh, H. it's okay. Mommy is just sad. You had a big brother who would have been 6. It is sad you never got to know him, it is sad that he is dead and Mommy misses him. It's okay for me to cry, but you could help Mommy and get me the tissues from the end table." "Thank you, sweetheart, you are good at helping Mommy to not be so sad, to be happy."

I hope this might give you something to mull over, to think about how and why you are explaining death to a toddler. As Mira said, it is a life long process. My daughter died in 1991, my older children were 2 and 3. They now are in the years of becoming parents and they are very interested in how to deal with the fear and worrying that being a loving parent involves. The conversations are just a continuation of how we handle our emotions. Now, it includes their babies and it includes my approaching death.

Wishing you and your family some peace.