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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Possible Post Partum Depression after Rainbow

This is a very long post/tia for reading. I think I’m suffering from post partum depression. My husband wanted his mom at our daughters birth partly because she never held our first daughter -she saw her at the wake and she’s his mom. My mother was not there she died 5 yrs ago but my family did hold her. Anyways I really wanted to see how it went and how I felt with her birth on visitors but since she lives out west we couldn’t do that-although I don’t feel she needed to be at the hospital everyday. I had a c section and was there for I think 4 days or 5. She didn’t come one day. And she only stayed for one hour maybe each time or 1.5 but I was exhausted. my daughter was born at 36 weeks and they asked me to breastfeed, pump, and formula feed if I didn’t get a lot pumping-every 2 hours. My husband helped a lot. Also my mil came a week early because I was hospitalized and then sent back home but nobody else was able to bring me to the hospital in case of an emergency and she wanted to come in case she was born eaelier(I was scheduled to deliver at 36 weeks via section) then she stayed for 2 whole weeks after-she did leave with her husband the 2 weekends and came back to give us some space- but 3 weeks was way too much. And my husband doesn’t want to say you know this is too long-even though she told us more than once that she had to kick her parents out after one week of being with them after one of her births. But then again my husband says that the second weekend she left-he had to tell her to and she didn’t want to, so there are conflicting things there.
Anyways a little background on my mil-she doesn’t deal with grief well. She can’t handle negative emotions. And after our daughter died we were supposed to go on a family reunion with his family for thnnksgivin-literally 2 weeks later. Her, her mother, and sister all called us up one at a time pressuring us to come. ALL of his cousins except one had babies at the time and another one was pregnant and due the mth after I was. His sister also had a 3 and 1 yr old at the time. I literally had a breakdown because my husband then started pressuring me. We didn’t go. Later, maybe almost a year later-all the women in his family were going to plan a trip together and put me on what’s app without my permission to plan the trip -which is fine but I asked to be taken off because I didn’t want to deal with them all talking about their kids and I wasn’t going anyways. I wasn’t pregnant yet again or anything and in my experience a bunch of women with kids talk about their kids and they do this on the family what’s app. Next time I saw his mom-she asked me why I came off and I told her. And she said-when are you going to start pushing the envelope? I got upset and left the room. The next day she did apologize and said that she was being judge mental. She also pressured us the same year after my daughter died and the next to put up Xmas decorations and said how Xmas trees-the real ones are symbolism of something-I can’t remember what.
When I was pregnant again we told her-and at 16 weeks she started talking about coming out for the birth-which I didn’t want to talk about. We lost our first at 26 weeks during an emergency c section. My husband also pressured me to have her there and we argued about it. He told me she was crying when he told her I didn’t really want pple there. Then throughout the pregnancy she kept mentioning the other pregnant women in the family(now his cousins were having their second children) and he asked her to stop. She told us the genders even though I didn’t know what they were and didn’t want to know. Also nobody knew that I was pregnant only her, his grandmother, and sister.
When she came out here a few days before the birth-I told her I was worried that the spinal would give me the shakes which is actually pretty common-and that I wouldn’t be able to hold my daughter right away or breastfeed. She said, and I quote-ugh-you always worry the worst will happen. Don’t think of it and it won’t happen. It really upset me because one-when I lost my first we were in the hospital and I thought I was going to wake up and she would be in the NICU—and two-the worst did happen to me already. She had also been pressuring us to tell the rest of the family for a long time and wanted to be able to talk to her sister about it. We said no. Not till 33 weeks did we announce.
When they were here we had issues with the heat in the apartment-his mom kept complaining it was too cold but we wanted it at 72 or below because of SIDS. She also had an argument with my husband about taking out our daughter and said his cousin flew with her one mth old and another cousin also flew with one of her Babies. This time I heard my husband and he basically yelled at her.
One cousin had her first baby—also a girl-6 days after I had my rainbow. My rainbows name is Adelina-my Angel’s name is Alyssa./ she named her daughter Alinah. Also my rainbow was born on 10/31, my first daughter-11/8. My husbands cousins due date was 11/9. So we were discussing something and I told his mom I’m just glad her baby wasn’t born on Alyssa’s bday(my angel) and I don’t know if she said me too-or her too-but then she said but maybe she was channeling her. And I was like no. And she goes well you can’t control it. And I said I don’t want anyone in the family’s bday to be the same day. She’s not here-let her at least have her own day. But yes of course I can’t control it-but in my own mind why would my daughter want to share a bday with someone whom I dont want her to share a bday with. Silly I know. Anyways she said a lot of people have the same bday. And I said I’m not talking about a lot of people I’m talking about your family. I got very upset after this again and we had a long discussion and I was crying-she apologized and said I took it the wrong way which I probably did-she was not trying to hurt me she just can’t deal with negative feelings. But I had just given birth and my other daughters bday was like the next day.
On her actual bday/his mom wanted to see a brick we had put down for her at a hospital where I go to group. That day his mom kept mentioning his cousins newborn daughter -Alinah-and how close her and my rainbow were. I don’t know if she meant names or age-but I felt like no one cared about Alyssa. All she talked about were the pictures on what’s app of the other baby. I started crying on the way to see the brick -my husband and I were alone in the car. And I asked if he had put on the whatsapp that it was Alyssa’s bday because they are just talking about all the other children in the family and it’s her bday. So he hasn’t gotten a chance and I was just upset. So we stArted arguing because I’m upset that his mom is just talking about this other baby and he said all you care about is Alyssa. You don’t care about Adelina (my rainbow) he did not apologize till we left to come back home from the brick. He said later that he meant that I’m causing a fight even though Adelina was just born. And I tried to explain that I wasn’t mad at him or his mom, I was just upset that no one was mentioning our angel. The day didn’t feel about her-even thigh we went to see the brick. Mind you I’m post partum-9 days-and it’s my other daughters 2nd bday. I can’t get over any of this. I feel that he knew I was at risk for PPD and still had his mom there, still said this to me, etc etc. his Mother would make pouty faces when I would take my daughter away to feed or change or just because I wanted her. When she went away the second time I had anxiety literally the whole time knowing they were coming back.
We are doing a whole family reunion with the whole family reunion in August which I’m not looking forward to because everyone has 2 or 3 kids and I feel that should be me. All the sibling interactions will be hard and I know that they don’t understand that-they think I should just be happy now. Also his parents want him And his sister to plan a trip for all of us with her kids too for their 40th wedding anniversary and 70th bdays this June. This will be our first family vacation with my rainbow. I’m dreading it and I think it’s ridiculous that we are doing so much over the summer with them.but of course it is his family. I feel that I’m angry and resentful at the same time towards my husband and his mom and it takes away from my time with my rainbow. Also another thing was one of his cousins was pregnant before we got pregnant again-and when she announced she told us first which was really nice-but she wanted to talk to me on the phone. I didn’t want to I already knew she was pregnant -I think maybe she told him first and then wanted to talk to me after she announced-and I felt she wanted me to make her feel better about being pregnant (with her second) and my husband pressured me to talk to her. I didn’t. But these are the reasons I’m resentful because I feel that he’s more concerned with his family’s well being than mine. And I’m not close with his cousin either so it’s not like we needed to talk. i did explain later that an announcement was told to me in person by another loss mom that i had just met and i just wanted to get out of there(even though i know she felt it was better to say in person, i don't blame her. FYI-we had to wait a year to try again because i had an upside down T insicion with my angel)
I just wanted someone to hear me out with this post. I know it’s all over the place. I do yoga everyday I try to go to a pregnancy and parenting after loss group but most of the women are still pregnant, and i feel that most of hem and their husbands are on the same page which we are not. and I speak to a therapist that gets it-but needed to get some more feedback. I almost feel like my husbands and my grief are too different and like he picks his family over me or wants to please them more than me. And I’m angry that I didn’t get that beginning of time with my rainbow to be the way I wanted it. Don’t get me wrong there were great memories but I don’t feel I should’ve had more anxiety than Necessary or judgement. My husband says he yells at his mom all the time but i never hear it and i feel like he can't see her crying but he's seen me crying a million times. He even said after all you've been through you're so upset about how the visit with my mil went? and he probably has a point but that just made me feel like yeah-you think i can take things but she can't
and it is already so hard to deal with all the diffrerent emotions and rollercoasters of grief and raising a new baby, feeling isolated not only because you have a new baby but also because you are forever a loss mom too. i literally cry everyday and my rainbow is 4.5 mths old. if it's not about the fact that we are fighting all the time it' about my other daughter., or the lack of support i have as a loss mom and new mom. i hate that my daughter sees me like this-
March 18, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Melissa, It has been a rough journey!. obviously it is because you are a loss mom, but more so it seems.

it is ok to have post patrum depression, dont worry about having it, or if anyone has an opinion on it.

you are allowed to feel down, to feel isolated, to cry be angry, to worry and have anxiety. it is ok to question everything you do,what others do, and love deeply. you are a loss mom, you are getting through the day, the hour, the minute. no one will ever understand what you are going througj. remind others when they question or are rude that you are doing your best today for you, for your rainbow and for your lost baby. that it is difficult and right now you just need everyone to mind their own and let you grief. it is ok.

you got this, you can do it. is ther ea moms group you can join wher you are? I have found mine incredibly supportive.
April 2, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517