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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Hover parenting

I'm having a hard time parenting my four Month old rainbow son. He currently naps in my arms as he was asking when put down and not napping. Now I'm terrified to put him down. I want to watch over him like a hawk. Yet I do want freedom as well. I'm struggling with the thought of leaving him with someone. I'm a helicopter just hovering around everytime he is with someone else even when in my own home.

Has anyone else experienced this? My anxiety about it is high. I feel like it might get worse as he gets older and we do actually leave him with someone and I go back to work in two months.

Thanks in advance
February 5, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterStill0517
Still0517, yes! I had this kind of anxiety. I read somewhere that it’s normal for loss parents to go to one of two extremes: either they’re super anxious and want to bubble wrap their living kids or they’re completely nonchalant because they’re convinced their kids will die anyway too, so why bother...anyway, my son is two now and it’s basically gone though I still get periodic panic attacks. Have you been screened for post party depression? It can manifest as anxiety. What helped me, in terms of leaving him, was small steps...leaving him with a trusted sitter (eg a relative, or a good friend), while I went for a mani pedi a block away, then 1.5 hours for dinner, then the entire morning, then a day...I haven’t had to do overnight yet but now he goes to daycare and I’m fine, last weekend I had a sitter take care of him for the afternoon because his dad was traveling and I needed 3 hours of me time. It was great. Good luck
February 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB
*post partum not party!
February 7, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAB
My daughter is a little younger than your son but I've been back to work two days a week for a couple weeks now. I'm actually doing fine with her in childcare, I think in part because my older sons went/go there so it feels safe to me. I'm struggling more with moving her to her own room. She was in her bassinet until she became so big she couldn't lie in it without having to stick her arms up. Plus I think we were disturbing each other's sleep so we decided to move her into a crib in her own room. We have not 1, not 2, but 3 monitors in there with her (sound, video, and owlet). And I still worry if she's doing okay in there. I wasn't like this with my older children.
February 11, 2018 | Unregistered Commentermom2htb
Still0517, the only way I could sleep was to buy a movement monitor for my rainbows to wear. We used the "Snuza" brand that clips onto baby's nappy and it eased the anxiety just enough for me to be able to put them down so I could sleep.
February 15, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
My daughter is 3.5 mth old. We do let her sleep on her own in her pack and play -and at night she wears a snuza. But if we go on long drives I worry about her and wish I put the snuza I her. You can’t see in the mirrors if she’s breathing or not. No one has watched her except my husband and his mom-once. His parents don’t live in this state and my family did not want to get the flu or Tdap vaccines so they honestly have not met her. We don’t want to put her in daycare till she’s like a hear old-and for now my husband will watch her when I go to work and vice versa. I feel overprotective of her in that I don’t want other pple holding her and stuff-mostly because my family has not been supportive at all with the death of my first and my mother who passed 4.5 yrs ago(she did not raise me). And I feel guilty about that-about being overprotective with family.
But when she is ready to be pot I her crib I told my husband I want the crib moved into our room at first. Not sure if that’s a good idea but whatever.
February 16, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa