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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > A better sister

My son (3 years old) has been asking me recently if his daddy and I can make him a better sister, since his died. I know this is normal and I try to compassionately answer him that we might make him ANOTHER sister at some point, but that she wouldn't be BETTER. My question is does anyone have any strategies for me to deal with this question. It breaks my heart every time he asks it. I want him to be able to express his feelings, and talk about his sister and that he wishes she had lived, but I don't know how to keep it from hurting so much when he asks this. I'm not really asking what to say to him, I think I'm handling that aspect of it fairly well, I'm more looking for ways to deal with my own emotions when he asks this question
July 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Nicole, I can see where this would hurt. No, of course you don't blame your three year old for his words. It comes down to power and control, I think. To your son, you are all powerful. You control everything. No question in his mind. And we struggle with that all the time. How much control we have and how little we have. In your son's world, you make everything better.

I wish I knew how to ease your pain. Wishing you some peace, Jill A.
July 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
Oh Nicole, I think you are dealing with his feelings perfectly. I can't really give any advice for how to deal with yours. I remember when my living daughter was around 4 and I was looking at pictures of Shelby's birth on her anniversary (my daughter had not seen photos of Shelby at that point)- I didn't realise my daughter had walked up beside me and seen a photo until she blurted out "Ew- who's that gross baby"? My heart dropped and suddenly I just burst out laughing in the most irrational response possible. It was weird but I think my brain just realised that my heart couldn't cope with more hurt. Her comment was innocent. She said what she saw. And I just had to not take it personally. Shelby was perfect in my eyes but daughter had to express what she felt too. I understand the hurt and I still think about that day.

I hope you can find a way to be peaceful with your son's thoughts as well as your own x
July 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum