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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

parenting after loss > Freaking out in advance

My little rainbow is now 2 months and a half, and needs to do a transfontanelle ecography to check if the fontanelle is not closing too soon...
And I am freacking out... the doctor said that even if the bones have fused already, it is treatable...
ButI am freacking out all the same.

I should be ok with this because it is just a precaution, and maybe nothing at all... and it is a normal problem, as opposed to my older daughter who has a facial assimetry since birth, caused by ... a linfangiome ... as the latest diagnosis goes, apparently confirmed by biopsy at the age of eleven. And in consistency with the latest MRI results. Eventhough these MRIs usually are consistent with whatever stupid diagnostic was suggested at the time.
Whatever she has, the doctors don't really understand what it is, and she has been to a dozen different specialist who keep refering her to someone else and keep suggesting that it is better to do nothing.
So, yes, I know how to deal with risks and scares... and yet I am freaking out, afraid of... the worst!
I had been so ok since he was born, feeling so confident in the happy future...
My brain says, there is no reason to panic,. just wait for the exam and see what needs to follow... my heart is going aaaaaaaaah, what if... this? Or that?

Just ranting about it has already calmed me down a little!
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Oh Marta!! I'm so sorry. The last thing we need is extra scares. Feels like as soon as you start to relax and believe everything will be alright the universe has other thoughts. Not fair at all. I'm sorry.
I really hope it's all OK. There's nothing I can say to offer peace to you other than send you a virtual hug and hopes everything will be ok.
Keep us updated.
Another hug
May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thank you Gaby for your words and hugs...
May 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hello Marta, i had that scare with my daughter (now 8) too. Our doc was pretty relaxed about it. He explained that even if it had closed early, this does not necessarily cause problems, often the head can still grow anyways just fine. and in the rare case that it does cause problems it can be fixed by surgery, not quite a minor one but not a major/scary one either. Our daughter's had indeed closed very early but it was fine. She has a small head, but so do I and my mother too, and she is a healthy and happy kid. Hope this helps to put your mind at rest at least a little bit!
May 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterB
Hi Marta,
Any news? Thinking of you.
June 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
B, thank you so much for your words... they soothed me so much.
Gaby, thank you for caring...

We did the exam, an ultrasound, and inside everything is ok. We waited nearly three weeks for the next doctors appointment, because she read the results and felt at ease and would just check him again the next month. I could not come and write this just then because the us report also said that for better info on the plakes overlap and early sealing, only by x-ray.
My husband who was more in tune with the little ridge said it was less proeminent... but I still felt it there... the doctor agress with us. It is less visible, but it is there still. His head grew proportionally as it should over the last month and he is developing nicely his motor skilss and social skills (he is not becoming a vegetable, I say to myself... he will not have cognitive problems or insufficient neural development issues!)

Next tuesday the doctor suggested we meet her at her hospital where she will ask for an xray to put everyone at rest...

I could not bring myself to writecsooner and say out loud, why haven't we gone earlier to his doctor and just waited calmly for the regular consult. I know it was just my fear driving me nuts with worry... there was no need... she read the us report... but still... I was freaking out just the same.
So I forced myself to calm down and just monitor his evolution...

thank you for listening,
June 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
It is all ok. It is not closing too soon. Finally I am relieved.
I know a lot more scares will come... they would, even if it was a "normal baby"... It is just now I am more aware that babies/children can die, and not of old age!

June 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta